Cranes Unplugged
Aired 16th January 2001 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Frasier
Who's up next, Roz?
Roz
We have Cleo from Redmond on line three.
Frasier
[presses button] Hello, Cleo. I'm listening.
Cleo
[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. I've been dating three different guys, and I can't choose between them.
Frasier
Is it that you can't choose, or you don't want to choose?
Cleo
It's just hard. One's really funny, one's adventurous, and one's sensitive. They're all gorgeous too.
Roz
Oh, excuse me, Cleo! This show is for people with real problems!
Frasier
Roz. Um, it sounds to me as if each suitor possesses one quality that you admire. Rather than choose among them, why not try to find one person who fits all your criteria?
Roz
Why don't you call back when you're a working single mother whose choice in dates is between a guy with eight teeth and a guy whose hair is painted on?!
Frasier
Sadly, we're out of time. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day, Seattle, and good mental health - unless of course Roz has a problem with that.
Frasier
Is there something wrong, Roz? Because if there is, we should discuss it before it bleeds into your work.
Roz
I'm sorry. I'm just sick of hearing people complain about their love lives while I face another weekend without plans.
Frasier
Well, I empathize, but-
Roz
I know, look who I'm telling.
Frasier
It so happens I have big plans this weekend!
Roz
Let me guess. You and Niles are playing your zithers again at the Renaissance Fair.
Frasier
Roz, the Renaissance Fair is a fortnight after St. Swithin's Day. No, my son is coming to town. In fact, Dad and Daphne should be picking him up at the airport right now.
Roz
I didn't know Freddie was coming!
Frasier
Well, it was sort of last-minute, actually. You know, you remember I had that reunion of sorts with my old college mentor, Dr. Tewkesbury. Well, it led to a lot of soul searching. He helped me to realize that I've been defining myself by my career, and it's time that I rearranged my priorities. And my first priority is my son.
Roz
What is he now, twelve?
Frasier
No, thirteen, Roz.
Roz
Wow.
Frasier
Gosh, you know, the years really have flown by. I feel like I've missed so much.
Roz
So what are you guys gonna do?
Frasier
Oh, lots of things! I thought we'd go and see a play, and, uh, maybe take in the computer show - he'd love that - and, uh, oh, I've decided we are going to read "Walden" together.
Roz
Some vacation.
Frasier
No, no, Roz, it is, actually. You see, every year we pick a book to read and discuss. It's been sort of a bonding thing between us. Gosh, you know, I hate to brag, but Freddie really is a very articulate young man. He's very imaginative, and not to mention what a great sense of humor he has.
Roz
Oh, that reminds me, Frasier! Alice said the cutest thing this morning-
Frasier
Now careful, Roz, you don't want to turn into one of those mothers who bores everybody talking about her child.
Freddie
At Level Seven, grab the Bio-suit, and then teleport to the acid tank. Really? Hey Grandpa, put on MTV, Channel 46.
Martin
All right.
Martin
Oh, jeez! What is this? They're half-nude! It's just not right!
Freddie
[into phone] I saw this one already!
Frasier
Oh hello, Dad. [sees Frederick] Freddie, ha-ha! Come give your dad a hug!
Freddie
[into phone] I'll call you back.
Frasier
Gosh, it's so good to see you! Well, so how was your flight?
Freddie
Eh.
Frasier
Good, good, good, good. Did you get all your unpacking done?
Freddie
Yeah.
Frasier
Great! Gosh, I've been really looking forward to seeing you. We're gonna have so much fun. What would you like to do first?
Freddie
Whatever. [phone rings, he answers] Hello? Hey, Zack! Hang on, let me get some privacy.
Frasier
Well, that's certainly not the greeting I was expecting.
Martin
I've never seen such dancing. What do you think those shorts are made of?
Frasier
Some sort of... steel mesh. What the hell are you watching?!
Martin
Oh! [turns it off] It's Freddie's program.
Frasier
Good lord. He doesn't seem very happy to be here. He hardly said two words to me.
Martin
Oh, it's perfectly normal. You're his dad. Kids that age don't want to talk to their dad.
Frasier
I never stopped talking to you.
Martin
[sighs] I know, buddy.
Daphne
Evening.
Frasier
Oh hi, Daph.
Daphne
Dinner will be ready soon. Niles is joining us.
Frasier
Good, good. Say, Daphne, did Freddie say anything in the car?
Daphne
Not really. We put your show on the radio. Heard Roz give that caller the business.
Daphne
Oh, I'll get that. You know, it's a pity she hasn't found someone to love.
Frasier
Hmm.
Daphne
I mean, what could be sadder than growing old alone? [realizes] I wasn't talking about you, Dr. Crane. You've got your father to grow old with.
Frasier
Ah, yes.
Daphne
Niles, hi.
Niles
Hello. [kisses her]
Frasier
Hey Niles, I didn't miss a squash date, did I?
Niles
Oh no, no, no. I was playing with Jack Belcher from the club. He pummeled me but good! From now on, I'll stick to playing you. Where's Freddie, I can't wait to see him.
Frasier
Oh, oh, I'll go and get him.
Daphne
You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
Niles
[butch] It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.
Jack
Hi, there.
Daphne
Oh, hello.
Jack
I'm Jack, I just dropped Niles off.
Niles
Jack?
Jack
[hands him a sweater] You left this in my car.
Niles
Oh, thank you. Uh, Jack, this is Daphne, my girlfriend.
Daphne
[eyes him appraisingly] Oh, you're a fine-looking one, aren't you?
Jack
Oh, I don't know.
Daphne
Modest, that's good. I don't see a wedding ring, you single?
Jack
Yes.
Daphne
Looking?
Jack
Sure.
Daphne
For a woman?
Jack
Right.
Daphne
Employed?
Jack
A surgeon.
Daphne
Mmm, impressive.
Jack
Thanks.
Niles
OK! Well, uh, it's good to see you again, Jack, thanks, goodbye.
Niles
What's happening? I think I'm having some kind of stroke.
Daphne
Roz is lonely, so I got to try and set her up with someone.
Niles
Ohhhh, maybe Jack?
Daphne
Oh, there's a thought!
Niles
OK, I get it.
Frasier
Here we are.
Niles
Hello, Freddie.
Freddie
Hi, Uncle Niles.
Niles
Daphne, would you give us a moment?
Daphne
Sure.
Niles
Freddie, about what you just saw - I know you've always had special feelings for Daphne, and there's something I need to tell you.
Freddie
I already know about you guys.
Niles
Oh. Uh, and you're OK with that?
Freddie
I liked her when I was a little kid. I'm over it now. I mean, she's like a hundred.
Niles
She most certainly is not. [Nyah Nyah!] It just burns you up that I got her-
Frasier
Niles! Why don't you get us both some sherry? [he does] Well, Freddie, you know, I've made some wonderful plans for our time together. Uh, I've already chosen the book we're going to read. I'll give you a hint: published in 1854, this paean to self-sufficiency was known as the "cornerstone of the transcendental movement."
Frasier
Yes, yes, Niles, I'll let you get the next one. Freddie, any thoughts?
Freddie
No.
Frasier
Niles?
Niles
It's "Walden" by Henry David Thoreau.
Frasier
Of course it is! It is life near the bone, where it is sweetest! Should be the source of much lively discussion, wouldn't you say?
Freddie
[gets up and goes to the hall] I don't know. Why don't you just talk about it with Uncle Niles?
Frasier
Niles? Well, uh, yes, if that's what you'd like. We'll discuss it together.
Niles
"As the engine whistles, let it whistle till it is hoarse for its pain!"
Frasier
Oh, shut up, Niles.
Martin
Hey, how was the computer expo?
Freddie
OK. [tosses his coat to Frasier]
Frasier
Say, Freddie, why don't you tell Grandpa about the new virtual reality-
Frasier
And he's gone.
Martin
You guys have fun?
Frasier
Oh, yeah. It was a blast, he spent the entire time trying to ditch me. You know, I only get to see Freddie a few times a year, and usually we make the most of it. Now all he wants to do is play that damn computer game!
Martin
Well, you know, Fras, he's not much different than you were at that age. Except instead of video screens and electronics, you always had your head in books.
Frasier
That's entirely different, Dad-
Martin
No, it isn't. We couldn't get you to do anything. You know, I remember when you read that "Walden" book. It was on the family camping trip.
Frasier
So? What better time to read about nature?
Martin
Well, that's just it. While you were in the cabin reading about it, we were outside enjoying it. You'd rather read about something than experience it firsthand.
Frasier
You know, my mentor remarked on that very thing.
Frasier
Freddie? [pulls off his headphones] Freddie, I've made a decision. We are going to the woods.
Freddie
What for?
Frasier
We are going camping. It'll be good for the both of us.
Freddie
But I don't want to.
Frasier
Too bad! It'll be fun! Fathers and sons should do fun things together!
Freddie
You and Grandpa don't do fun things together.
Martin
Hey, leave me out of it.
Frasier
That's why he's coming along as well! There will be no TV, there will be no electronics, there will be no distractions! Just three generations of Cranes cooking over a fire and sleeping under the stars! We leave at daybreak!
Martin
Good work, Freddie!
Frasier
Oh, what an idyllic spot! I'm already beginning to feel like Thoreau.
Freddie
We can't sleep here, this place bites.
Frasier
It does not bite. "It is shelter, as good as the best, and sufficient for its coarser and simpler wants."
Freddie
That you talking, or that guy from "Where's Walden?"
Martin
[laughs] Good one, Freddie.
Frasier
Yes. [takes out two notebooks] You know, the two of you may want to immortalize this good-natured reality in these journals that I bought for you.
Martin
Well thanks, but I don't know what to write.
Frasier
Well, Dad, you simply write down your experiences.
Freddie
I have to go to the bathroom.
Frasier
Freddie, I... I don't see a bathroom.
Martin
You're surrounded by fifty thousand acres of it.
Frasier
Ah. Oh, how quaintly rustic! Yes, Frederick, just pick a tree and make it your own!
Frasier
So Dad, I thought we might do an activity later.
Martin
What kind of activity?
Frasier
Oh, I don't know. Maybe press some leaves, or-or whittle a bird call and see if we can lure some finches to our sill.
Martin
Take it easy now, we want to save something for tomorrow.
Frasier
Dad, could you please be a little more supportive?
Martin
Well, I'd like to, but I tried to get you to come camping a million times, and you had to wait until the playoffs were on!
Frasier
Dad, you can watch the playoffs all year!
Freddie
The kids at the next campsite have got a rope swing. Can I go over?
Martin
Don't see why not.
Freddie
Thanks. [leaves]
Frasier
What the hell was that?
Martin
It's just a rope swing. Wait'll he sees us drying leaves in the sun, he'll come running.
Frasier
You know, I'm just about fed up with your sarcasm. I'm trying to do some father-son bonding here, so will you just butt out?!
Martin
[opens his journal] You know what? I just thought of something to write in this thing!
Roz
This is a bad idea. My hair's flat. Never have a good date when my hair is flat. If it's flat after, that's a good date.
Niles
Your hair is not flat, Roz. It's delightfully frizzy.
Daphne
Hello.
Jack
Hi.
Niles
Hey, Jack, come in. You remember Daphne, and this is Roz.
Roz
[overcome] Hi, Jack.
Jack
Hi.
Niles
So, uh, where are you two going for dinner?
Jack
I thought we'd try the Pergalu. They have a garden patio. Unless you'd rather eat inside, I don't want you to get cold.
Roz
Oh, don't you worry about that.
Daphne
Come on, Roz. I have a couple of wraps, you can borrow one.
Niles
What do you think?
Jack
She's pretty. [takes out his cell phone] You know, I should check my service before we go.
Niles
Oh, OK. Can I pour you some wine?
Jack
Sure. [into phone] It's Dr. Belcher. Really? Well, isn't Dr. Unger on call? I'm kind of busy right now. All right, I'm on my way. [hangs up] There's an emergency with one of my post-op patients. Please tell Roz I'm really sorry.
Niles
Of course.
Jack
Thanks, Niles.
Niles
Yeah, good luck.
Daphne
We need a man's opinion: the velvet trim or the multi-colored? [sees] Where's Jack?
Niles
He left.
Roz
He left?!
Niles
It was an emergency.
Roz
What kind of an emergency? Like he-saw-me-and-he-thought-I- was-a-dog emergency?!
Niles
No, no, no, he said you were pretty.
Roz
That's it?
Niles
Well, he flew out of here as soon as you left the room.
Roz
Oh God, he was just trying to get out of this date! I've been dumped!
Daphne
Oh, I'm sure you weren't dumped! He was paged, right, Niles?
Roz
Oh yeah, the whole fake page routine!
Niles
No, no, no, not even, he actually called in.
Roz
[rock bottom] I should go.
Niles
[shows her to the door] We understand, you want to be alone.
Daphne
No Roz, I won't hear of it, you'll stay right here with us!
Roz
Oh, I don't want to be a pain. You guys had a big evening planned.
Niles
[keeps her moving] Roz, you are so considerate.
Daphne
We can have an evening any old time. You'll stay for dinner.
Roz
All right.
Niles
[disappointed, takes her wrap] Allow me.
Roz
Well, what are we having, �cause I don't like fish.
Frasier
Oh, Freddie, there you are! Thank goodness.
Freddie
Can I have dinner with these guys? They're having Sloppy Joe's.
Frasier
I'm sorry, but Frederick is going to be having dinner with his family this evening.
Freddie
Come on, Dad!
Melody
It's OK. Come by later, we're making s'mores.
Frasier
Yes, we'll see. All right, now off you go, young people. [they leave] Just sit down, Frederick, and eat your meal.
Martin
Have a good time?
Freddie
I guess.
Frasier
What'd you do?
Freddie
We played some Frisbee.
Martin
Oh.
Freddie
It sucked with all those trees in the way.
Frasier
Yes well, perhaps one day civilization will cut down all those trees, and pave over this grand wilderness, then you and your friends can play Frisbee without constraint, how would that be?
Freddie
I don't know. [eats a bite] I'm done, can I go now?
Frasier
No!
Freddie
Why not?
Frasier
Because this is your first camping trip, and we're gonna enjoy it together!
Freddie
This isn't my first camping trip.
Frasier
You never told me that.
Freddie
I don't tell you a lot of things.
Frasier
Oh ... I see. Well, you may go. [Frederick leaves] So, he's been camping before. Instead of this being something special between us, it's just another thing I've missed out on. This trip was a bust from the get-go. We leave at daybreak!
Martin
What's with you and daybreak? [gets up] I'm gonna see if those kids have a generous grandpa with a six-pack.
Frasier
Sit!
Daphne
I once dated a guy who was so grabby I jumped out of his car while it was still moving.
Roz
Did I ever tell you about this jerk named Nick?
Daphne
I dated a Nick!
Daphne
My Nick had a silent "g" at the beginning of his name. He was Vietnamese.
Niles
I wonder who this could be?
Niles
Oh! What an incredible surprise, it's Hans! Hans, come in. Roz, Daphne, this is Hans. He's a doctor from my building.
Roz
Nice to meet you.
Daphne
[suspicious] Hello, Hans. What brings you by?
Hans
[obviously reciting lines] I'm a friend of Frasier. Uh, I was downstairs, so I thought I'd pop by, see if he was here.
Daphne
Yeah, well he's not.
Niles
But still, you could stay for a drink. Why don't you come here, sit next to Roz?
Daphne
Niles, help me fix those drinks, will you?
Niles
[evening's back on track!] Yes, dear.
Daphne
Doctor, my eye! That's Ted, the moron from the deli.
Niles
Are you sure?
Daphne
Oh, stop it! You invited him over here for Roz. Well, she's in no mood to be trifled with, and neither am I.
Niles
I'm sorry, I was trying to help.
Daphne
Yeah, well if you want to help, get rid of him.
Niles
[one last try] Love you.
Roz
Can you believe this, Daphne?
Daphne
Roz, I am so sorry. This evening's been a disaster.
Roz
No, I mean things are looking up! Hans and I are really hitting it off. Do you have any mints in here?
Daphne
Uh, try the cupboards.
Roz
Thanks. I have a really good feeling about Hans. He's very funny - he just told me he was Chief Doctor of Brainiatrics! [laughs]
Daphne
Where did he go?
Niles
Uh, I gave him the boot, he's gone.
Roz
[coming out] Who's gone?!
Niles
He had an emergency.
Roz
Oh, you have got to be kidding me!
Daphne
Oh, Roz-
Roz
I thought this one liked me! Man, I've driven away two doctors in one night!
Niles
No, uh, Hans is just the-the meat slicer from the deli.
Roz
And that's supposed to make me feel better? Oh God, I just want to put this whole night behind me!
Daphne
I don't blame you one bit.
Niles
I'm sure it'll all look better in the morning.
Roz
I sure hope so. You two have listened to enough of my problems for one night.
Roz
Oh look, "Titanic" just started.
Martin
When you hear that scratching at your window late at night, remember that young couple ... [thrusts out his hand, with a fork sticking out of the sleeve] and Fork Hand!
Martin
Oh, come on! That's scary stuff. I told that to Duke last summer, and he wet his sleeping bag.
Frasier
Wait a minute. Isn't this Duke's sleeping bag?!
Martin
Now you're scared!
Frasier
Oh gosh, Dad, I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. You know, I guess I was just hoping this trip might give me and Frederick some sort of, I don't know, golden moment. I guess I'm just disappointed.
Martin
I know. But you know, none of this would be happening if we had a TV. TV makes everyone get along.
Martin
Hey, buddy.
Frasier
Hi, Fred.
Martin
Well, I'll just take a little walk.
Frasier
OK. See you in a bit, Dad.
Martin
All right.
Frasier
Frederick, we're gonna be leaving in the morning.
Freddie
But I don't want to go.
Frasier
No? I thought you'd be dying to get back to your Game Boy.
Freddie
Well, yeah. But I kind of made plans.
Frasier
Oh, really? With who?
Freddie
Nobody.
Frasier
Oh, then you don't have plans. We leave at... nine-ish.
Freddie
OK, fine. I have plans with Melody.
Frasier
The s'mores girl?
Freddie
Yeah.
Frasier
She's cute.
Freddie
She's a cheerleader.
Frasier
Ho-ho! I remember a particular cheerleader from my youth: Lorna. She was a beautiful girl. In fact, I was so intimidated by her I-I could never even work up the courage to approach her-
Freddie
Dad, I kissed her.
Frasier
Oh...
Freddie
I know. It was her first time. It was my first time too.
Frasier
I see.
Freddie
Don't tell Mom about this, OK? She'd ask all kinds of stupid questions.
Frasier
Don't worry, son. It's just between you and me.
Freddie
You know, I think I'll write for a while before bed.
Freddie
Whoa! Did you see the stuff that Grandpa wrote about you?
Frasier
Give me that! [snatches it away]