Motor Skills
Aired 30th January 2001 · Written by Sam Johnson & Chris Marcil · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Oh Chelsea, you are in for a rare treat tonight. Hmm, this is the best opera, and Ben Heppner is singing the role of Tristan.
Chelsea
Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
Daphne
Why, you've never been bored before?
Frasier
Oh, dear. The car seems to have stalled. [turns the keys, no luck]
Niles
Oh great, now what?
Frasier
All right, let's not panic. Chelsea, if you would, please, open the glove compartment. You will find a flashlight and a small toolkit. Reach behind them, and hand me my cell phone. I'm going to call the auto club.
Niles
By the time they get here, we'll miss the opera.
Chelsea
You know, my ex-boyfriend used to restore Corvettes. Maybe I can poke around and take a look.
Daphne
I suppose I could give you a hand. You don't grow up with eight brothers and not learn a thing or two about engines. Or the importance of being first in the shower.
Frasier
Now, now, ladies, Niles and I are no strangers to the automobile. Niles, let's have a look. I'll pop the hood.
Niles
That won't void the warranty, will it?
Frasier
[laughs to cover] That's very funny, Niles. No cause for alarm, ladies. Here we go.
Martin
Ha-hey, Eddie! [to the puppy] This is my boy, Eddie!
Martin
This is my other boy, Frasier!
Frasier
Oh, dear God! Dad, you know very well we have no room in this house for another dog, let alone a puppy! They chew the furniture, they-they dig like demons, and they soil the carpet!
Roz
The puppy's mine, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh well, congratulations, everybody should have one.
Roz
Alice just begged me for one. Martin, thank you so much for helping me pick him out.
Martin
Oh, are you kidding? I had a blast!
Martin
Now, here's Eddie's old puppy collar, and his brush, and his first chew toy.
Roz
Oh Martin, I can't believe you kept all his things.
Martin
Well, always thought he'd have a brother or two. You know, you always think you're gonna have one more.
Frasier
[nearly smothered] Dad, I said you could have a fish! Roz, would you help me here, please?!
Roz
You know, Martin, I could use someone to help me walk him while I'm at work. You could be like his grandfather.
Martin
That'd be great! You know, he looks kind of thirsty, Roz, you might want to get him some water.
Roz
Oh, that's a good idea.
Daphne
Oh look, a puppy!
Frasier
Ah hello, Niles. Come on in.
Niles
Hello, Frasier. Took me half the morning, but I finally found it.
Frasier
Good.
Martin
Found what?
Niles
Uh, a night school catalog.
Martin
Oh, what classes you guys looking for?
Niles
Auto repair.
Martin
[laughs] No, seriously.
Frasier
No, no, we are serious, Dad. Niles and I felt completely helpless last night when my car broke down.
Niles
And I vowed never to be humiliated that way again.
Frasier
You know, I'm more than a little convinced that's why Chelsea turned me down for a second date.
Daphne
I'm sure that had nothing to do with it. If I had to guess, I'd say it was all that blubbering at the opera that killed your chances.
Frasier
But it was Ben Heppner singing Tristan!
Niles
You'd have to be stone not to weep at his tragic end!
Martin
Hey, hey! [covers his ears] Haven't seen it yet.
Frasier
[opens the catalog] Here we are: Basic Car Repair & Maintenance. I will call the bursar at once.
Martin
You guys are really gonna do this?
Frasier
Mmm-hmm.
Martin
Monkey around with engines, get calluses and grease under your nails?
Frasier
Yes. Actually, I'm looking forward to it, Dad.
Martin
Well, good for you, Frasier! I'm impressed.
Frasier
As the enigma we call Shakespeare once wrote, "I am a true laborer. I earn that I eat, get that I wear. O no man hate, envy no man's happiness."
Martin
You just couldn't let me enjoy it, could you?
Martin
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Grandpa. How was the little critter today?
Martin
Ah, terrific. Ate all his chow - least he did after I added some water, giving it a kind of gravy texture. Then we took a walk in the park. They're only young once, Roz. Savor the days.
Roz
You had a good day today, didn't you? Didn't you? Yes?
Martin
Roz?
Roz
What?
Martin
You shouldn't play with him that way.
Roz
Why not?
Martin
If you let him stand on you, it makes him think he's dominant, and you're below him in the pack.
Roz
Oh, I didn't know that. [puts him down, and he sits on the couch]
Martin
Don't worry, it's a common mistake. That's why I'm here. So, uh, you're just gonna let him sit on the couch like that?
Roz
Yeah. He looks cute.
Martin
Well, all right, but you know if you let him sit on the furniture, he's gonna think he's equal to you.
Roz
I've seen Eddie sitting on the furniture.
Martin
[laughs] You don't really want to compare this puppy to Eddie, now do you?
Roz
All I'm saying is Eddie breaks those rules.
Martin
And Hank Aaron held his bat all wrong! The great ones have always broken the rules. But first they learn the fundamentals, and that's what I'm trying to teach Frankie.
Roz
"Frankie?" You named my dog?
Martin
Well, he's got to have a name to respond to, and you were taking a long time coming up with one.
Roz
Well, Alice picked one last night: Ariel, from The Little Mermaid.
Martin
[appalled] Ariel? That's a girl's name!
Roz
I know, but she likes it, so we're going to stick with it.
Martin
Oh, all right. [under his breath] Shouldn't screw the dog up too much.
Roz
What?
Martin
Nothing, I-I'd better be heading home.
Roz
Wait, I'll walk with you. I'm gonna take Ariel with me to pick up Alice at preschool. [looks around] Where'd he go?
Martin
He's in the bedroom.
Roz
Ariel! Ariel! Oh shoot, I'm gonna be late. Ariel!
Martin
[not raising his voice] Frankie?
Roz
Not one word.
Niles
Feels good to be back in class again, doesn't it?
Frasier
It's fantastic. You know, I'm almost jealous of whoever gets to sit here during the day and make learning his full-time occupation.
Niles
[looks over] Well, judging from the carving on your desk, it looks like his name is "Ozzy."
Frasier
[looking down] Yes, and apparently he "rules."
Randy
All right, everybody, my name is Randy, and if you'll take your seats we'll get started.
Niles
We're already seated, Randy!
Randy
Welcome to Basic Car Repair & Maintenance. This is gonna be a real simple, low-stress class for people who don't know much about cars.
Randy
Yeah?
Shirley
What if you don't know anything about cars - I mean, absolutely nothing?
Randy
Well, then-
Frasier
[getting up] Randy, if I may? [turns and addresses the room] On behalf of the class, I would like to say that I-I feel that we're all a bit anxious. But with Randy as our driver, and Desire as our gasoline, we will complete this journey together. To paraphrase a famous little engine, "I think we can."
Randy
Thank you. [Frasier sits back down] Anyway, let's, uh, start with the basics. A car burns gasoline to create small, carefully-timed explosions, whose energy is converted by the engine into forward motion. [turns to the chalkboard] I'll show you how that happens.
Frasier
So, the engine is just like the timpani, the way it drives the orchestra forward.
Niles
[also whispering] The conductor drives the orchestra, not the timpani.
Frasier
Niles, the conductor guides the orchestra. He's more like the steering wheel. The actual driving forward - the driving forward is actually executed by the percussion section.
Niles
Seems like someone needs to take a class in orchestra rather than automobiles.
Randy
...which links the crankshaft to the camshaft, so that the valves are in sync with the pistons.
Shirley
Oh!
Randy
Now, as you can imagine, tolerance is very important in every component...
Niles
[as Randy continues, whispering] What's a camshaft?
Frasier
[whispering] I don't know, you were talking!
Niles
[looks through his textbook] Oh, here it is. [reads] "The camshaft is a system that opens and closes the valves." Oh right, so it's this thing here.
Frasier
Oh, right, right!
Niles
Whew!
Frasier
Good God!
Niles
That was close. We almost got behind.
Frasier
We must not let that happen again.
Niles
Agreed.
Randy
...And if you only take one thing away from this course, that should be it!
Randy
OK, moving on!
Randy
So, if you're finished changing spark plugs, you're free to leave, and I'll see you next week.
Frasier
Niles, it's down to us and Shirley!
Shirley
[ecstatic] I did it! I did it! Whoo!
Randy
Good job, Shirley.
Niles
All right, all right, perseverance, Frasier. We'll get this.
Frasier
Right, right. Oh, would you take off those stupid goggles?
Niles
Well, I'm sorry, it's for safety.
Frasier
Nobody else wore them!
Niles
No one else wore them in gym class either, but then Tommy Fritz scratched his cornea, and then they were mandatory!
Frasier
Give me that wrench. Give me that wrench!
Niles
I'm telling you, I'm telling you, they are too tight!
Frasier
Here, I'll just try to loosen it up.
Randy
Whoa, whoa! Remember, uh, spark plugs come out with a simple twist-and-pull. Twist-and-pull. Give it a try.
Randy
OK, uh, that's called stripping it.
Niles
Good job, Frasier! Here, let me strip one.
Randy
No, no, stripping it means breaking it. Uh, watch me.
Frasier
So you... twist, and then pull. You see, I was twisting and pulling simultaneously, as per your instructions: "twist-and- pull."
Niles
In the future, the phrase "twist, then pull" might help.
Randy
Look fellas, maybe that's enough for one night. But, uh, why don't you come in a little early next week and I'll try to get you caught up to everyone else. I've got a feeling you guys are gonna be my special project.
Niles
Frasier... we have to come in for tutoring. We've become remedial students!
Frasier
I know! It's humiliating!
Niles
I thought we signed up for this class to avoid humiliation!
Frasier
Well, I guess we're just gonna have to roll up our shirtsleeves and see it through for the next eight weeks.
Niles
Of course we will.
Frasier
Although...
Niles
I'm listening.
Frasier
What do we actually accomplish by learning to change our own spark plugs? Oh yes, of course we acquire a new skill, but aren't we taking a job away from a qualified mechanic?
Niles
Someone who may have a family to support. Not to mention all the merchants who dispend on his disposable income for their livelihood!
Frasier
Yes, yes, the human toll begins to mount!
Niles
Society decays!
Frasier
Not if I have anything to say about it! Niles, I'm quitting! If you care one jot about civilization, you'll quit too.
Niles
Our duty is clear. Do we have time for gelatos?
Frasier
I think so, yes.
Daphne
There's my burly mechanic.
Niles
Hello, Daphne.
Daphne
Your ears must have been burning tonight. I've been bragging about you on the phone to my mum. [kisses him] I know I said you didn't have to take this auto class, but I rather like the idea of my man being able to rescue me by the roadside.
Niles
You do?
Daphne
Yeah. It just shows me how much you care. [kisses him again]
Niles
Well, um, next week we're flushing radiators.
Frasier
Niles!
Martin
Hey, Mr. Goodwrench. Recognize this?
Frasier
No.
Martin
Well, it's your grandpa's old toolbox. He gave it to me when I was eighteen. I think you're ready for it now.
Frasier
Oh! Well, thanks Dad, but, uh...
Martin
I know it sounds kind of corny, but it meant a lot to me when my father gave that to me. Every time I use it I'd think of him. Maybe every time you use it in class, you'll think of your old man and how proud he is.
Frasier
Gosh, Dad, I don't know what to say.
Martin
Maybe someday you'll pass it on to your son.
Frasier
Well, first maybe I'll remove the topless playing cards. [does so]
Martin
Your grandpa loved the nudies.
Roz
Yes Martin, I'll be home in time to feed the puppy. I said I would be home! OK, bye-bye. [hangs up] Your dad is driving me nuts about this dog!
Frasier
Roz, do you mind? We're trying to study.
Roz
Wow, reminds me of college. Staying up all night before a big exam and wishing I'd studied instead.
Frasier
Yes, as much as we'd love to relive those four months with you, our class begins shortly. We're trying to learn last week's material.
Niles
[closes his book] Oh Frasier, it's useless, it's pointless, it's boring, and really, who cares?
Roz
Wow, it sounds like you guys should just quit.
Frasier
If only we could, Roz. I, it's just that Dad and Daphne are so proud of us, we can't let them down. They already bought mahogany frames so they could showcase our certificates of completion.
Roz
So complete it! I mean, it doesn't mean you have to ace it. Just sit there and nod your head a few times, and you're home free.
Niles
Are you suggesting we... coast?
Frasier
We have never walked the back alleys of underachievement before.
Niles
Dare we?
Niles
Ho! [laughs] I felt a chill!
Martin
Come on, Eddie, get in on this! [Eddie stares] Oh, what? You're too grown up for the sock game?
Martin
Come in!
Roz
Hey, Martin- [sees the puppy] What the hell is going on?
Martin
Well, you were late, so I brought Frankie here.
Roz
His name is Ariel, and I was fifteen minutes late!
Martin
Well, that's almost two hours in doggie minutes! Plus you didn't put the top back on his worm medicine, plus the water in his dish got dusty. You know, Roz, I don't think the set- up's working out too well.
Roz
I'll say!
Martin
So I was thinking it might be best if he lived here with me for a while.
Roz
What?!
Martin
Just until he grows up a little bit. You know, they need a lot of attention at this age.
Roz
I asked you to help me, Martin, not take over. You're acting like my mother!
Martin
[to the puppy] See how she talks to me? After all I've done for her, and this is the thanks I get!
Roz
Give him to me!
Martin
Roz, I don't think you're in the right frame of mind.
Roz
Give him to me.
Martin
No!
Roz
[picks up Eddie] Well, I'm leaving here with a dog, one way or another.
Martin
You wouldn't.
Roz
[heading for the door] Try me.
Martin
No, wait!
Martin
You first.
Martin
You're not holding him right.
Roz
Damn it, Martin, just because I'm not raising him your way doesn't mean I'm raising him the wrong way, so butt out.
Martin
All right. Can I at least come and visit him once in a while?
Roz
You think you can do it without criticizing me?
Martin
Yeah, I promise.
Roz
OK. You can come visit.
Martin
Bye, Frankie.
Roz
Hmm?
Martin
[grudging] Ariel.
Roz
See you later, Martin.
Martin
Hey, there's my boy! Yes, yeah, come on, OK... - (The phrase is Joe Keenan's, from his novel "Putting on the Ritz")
Randy
Uh, the brake pedal feels a little mushy. What is the possible cause?
Randy
Uh, let's get someone new this time. How about Frasier?
Frasier
What?
Randy
What would cause a mushy feeling in the brakes?
Frasier
I don't know.
Randy
Niles?
Niles
Uh, mush?
Shirley
It's caused by a leak in the brake line!
Randy
Good, Shirley, did everybody hear that?
Frasier
[aside to Niles] Her voice was kind of muffled, what with her lips being pressed up against Randy's butt.
Niles
Yeah!
Randy
Guys, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you, keep it down, OK? A leak in the brake line is, uh, certainly a possible cause.
Randy
Ah, another cause for it might be the wheel sill. If the caps are brittle and cracked, uh, you can develop a leak there or two. Either case, the hydraulics... [Frasier and Niles are still giggling] Is that a funny note there? I enjoy funny things. Why don't I share it with the class?
Randy
Does anybody here read French?
Randy
Anyone besides Frasier?
Randy
Let me see you guys out in the hall.
Randy
And bring your books and tools.
Frasier
Oh-ho, we're in trouble now.
Niles
[laughing] We're not in trouble, we are trouble.
Frasier
Please, please don't throw us out!
Niles
We'll shut up, we promise!
Randy
You've promised that four times tonight. Sorry, you're gone.
Frasier
But what are we gonna tell our dad?
Niles
And my girlfriend?
Randy
Maybe you should have thought of that before you started goofing off.
Niles
OK. So, uh, how's this work, Randy? You-you mail us our certificates of completion, or what?
Randy
[goes along] Yeah. Um, let me go get a pen and paper for your addresses.
Frasier
All-righty.
Niles
He's not coming back.
Niles
Not only did we stink at Auto class, we stunk at coasting through Auto class.
Frasier
We became back-row hooligans, Niles. The very students we hated back in school.
Niles
I always thought they were just mean. Now I realize they were simply acting out of frustration.
Frasier
So when Billy Kreizel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you. He was mad at Pythagoras.
Niles
Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.
Frasier
You know, we never should have lied to Dad and Daphne. If we wanted to quit, we should have just quit.
Niles
Yes, it would have saved us a lot of embarrassment. Well, that's the lesson here: never deny your true nature.
Frasier
That's right: honesty.
Clerk
This certificate look official enough?
Frasier
I think you finally got it.
Niles
Two, please.