The Show Must Go Off

Roz

Frasier, I knew when you bought me lunch there was going to be a catch! How long is this gonna take?

Frasier

Well, it shouldn't take too long, Roz. I can't believe I'm actually scouring a science-fiction convention for "X-Men" comics. I feel like I'm contributing to the decline of my son's intellect.

Roz

Then why are you doing it?

Frasier

Well, because I said no to the eyebrow ring.

Frasier

Oh excuse me, good sir, um, could you direct me please to Cubby's World of Comics?

Klingon

Yeah, it's right over there.

Frasier

Oh, thank you, thank you very much. You are a fierce but helpful people.

Frasier

Good lord, that's Jackson Hedley.

Roz

Who?

Frasier

Jackson Hedley, the famous Shakespearean actor. He came to my school when I was a teen. He did a one-man show of soliloquies, and began my love affair with the Bard! Excuse me Roz, I think I'll just go pay my respects to Mr. Hedley.

Frasier

Excuse me, um, what's Jackson Hedley doing here?

Dwayne

Signing autographs, and being awesome! They've got the whole cast of "Space Patrol" coming this weekend!

Frasier

You mean Jackson Hedley was on a television show?

Dwayne

What, are you kidding? He's Tobor, the ship's android! Where've you been, man?

Frasier

I don't know. Reading, attending the theater, [under his breath] getting haircuts.

Noel

Hi, Roz!

Roz

[horrified] Hi, Noel.

Noel

So you're a closet Trekker! I always had a feeling we were more than mere coworkers. This explains the heat between us.

Roz

I feel heat all right - because I'm in hell!

Jackson

There you are, Dwayne.

Dwayne

Thanks, Tobor.

Frasier

Hello, Mr. Hedley. Uh, may I say, it's an honor to see you again.

Jackson

Thank you. So what would you like to be autographed today?

Frasier

Actually, I already have your autograph. I got it after seeing your performance of "Hamlet."

Jackson

Oh, my... that was a long time ago.

Frasier

But not forgotten. May I say, on behalf of my brother and myself, thank you for opening our young eyes to the wonders of Shakespeare.

Jackson

You are more than welcome.

Frasier

Tell me, do you get to do much theater anymore?

Jackson

Oh no, I'm afraid those days are over. The show became so popular. I can't get cast as anything but an android, a cyborg, or, when I get the chance to really spread my wings, a mutant.

Frasier

Ah well, what a shame. For you, and the theater.

Jackson

Oh, you are very kind. Well, my fans await. It was lovely meeting you, Mr....?

Frasier

Frasier Crane. Thank you, Mr. Hedley.

Frasier

It just breaks my heart to see that man reduced to this. It's so demeaning.

Roz

Well, so he's not doing Shakespeare. But look, he's got tons of fans that worship him! What's so demeaning about that?

Fan

Hey, Tobor, would you do my kid's birthday party?

Jackson

[sighs and gives him a card] Here's my card. Uh, travel time is extra, and I eat by myself.

Niles

Hey, look who I found at the airport!

Frasier

Oh-ho, welcome home, Dad! So, how was Florida?

Martin

Oh, it was a whirlwind! Duke and I hit the dog track, and then we met the "Michael Jordan of High-Life Players" at the Red Lobster, but the place I went back to most of all was Cap'n Pete's Gator Farm.

Frasier

Ah, did you go see the Hemingway home?

Martin

Well, you know Fras, you can't squeeze everything in. But I tell you, these gators are amazing! You're out in the Glades in this fanboat, and it's just you and Cap'n Pete and that cooler full of raw chickens!

Niles

And to think I wasted my last vacation in Vienna.

Martin

And then he dangles a chicken at the end of the stick, and before you know it a fifteen-foot monster comes rushing out of the water, and he's yelling, "Hurry up and take the picture, this sumbitch is heavy!" [laughs]

Frasier

That's delightful, Dad.

Martin

Where's Daphne?

Niles

Uh, my honeybunny has the flu.

Martin

Oh, that's too bad. [aside to Frasier] Probably got it standing in front of an open refrigerator.

Frasier

[laughs] Nice to have you back, Dad.

Niles

Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, thank you, Niles.

Niles

You will never guess what I found.

Frasier

Hmm?

Niles

This is the autograph Jackson Hedley gave me in junior high school.

Frasier

Ah, Niles. [reading] "Dear Coach Palet, please excuse Niles from gym, for obvious reasons."

Niles

The other side.

Frasier

Ah, yes. "To Niles, my kingdom for more fans like you. Jackson Hedley." That's lovely.

Niles

'Course, I'm still envious that you got to see him.

Frasier

Oh, you wouldn't be if you'd been at that convention, Niles. To see the man who defined Hamlet reduced to hawking t-shirts and sci-fi gee-gaws.

Niles

It's a terrible waste of talent.

Frasier

Tragic. No artist should have to endure that.

Niles

If only people could see him the way we did.

Frasier

Niles, how difficult would it be to mount Jackson's one-man show? It's relatively simple.

Niles

That's true: there's minimal scenery, no supporting ca-... wait a minute, are you suggesting-

Frasier

Well, why not? There's certainly no shortage of theaters in this town.

Niles

We could do it on a Monday night when they're all dark anyway.

Frasier

We could revive the man's career, just think what a gift it would be to return this man to the stage, where he belongs!

Niles

It would be like repaying him for giving us the gift of Shakespeare!

Frasier

Yes, and if the evening goes very well, then who knows? We could be in for a long run, we might even take it on the road!

Niles

Why not a television special, we'd reach a much larger audience!

Frasier

It could become a cottage industry! T-shirts, posters, personal appearances!

Niles

Thank God we've come along to save this man!

Frasier

Gosh Niles, I can't wait to show Jackson his new venue. Gosh, what an honor it is to be reuniting such a great talent with the stage. Is he here yet?

Niles

No, he's cutting the opening ribbon at Galaxy Mattresses.

Frasier

Well, once this show opens he'll be able to throw away his oversize novelty shears.

Niles

Yes, yes. Oh, I just came from the box office. Ticket sales are going at quite a brisk pace.

Frasier

Oh, I'm not surprised. I've got half the station coming.

Niles

Well, I've got a whole group coming from the wine club.

Frasier

Yes, you know, Niles, we've really done a good job of getting the word out. That's why we get to be producers.

Jackson

Hello, lads!

Niles

Oh, Mr. Hedley. Please, join us on the stage.

Frasier

Or shall we say, on your stage.

Jackson

[does so, breathless] Oh, it's been such a - such a long time since I've trod the boards. Do you really think people are going to pay money to see me? After all these years?

Niles

The way things are going, we expect a sell-out!

Frasier

One week from today, you'll be looking out on a packed house!

Jackson

Really? Do you know, the one thing that I-I don't miss about performing live, it's-it's the jitters. [breathing heavy] It's the [dry heaves] dry heaves. Maybe this wasn't the best idea!

Niles

No, sir!

Frasier

Please, please. The theater is your true destiny. It courses through your veins, it fills your lungs. This... is your stage. Welcome home.

Jackson

And you said you'd never produced before.

Frasier

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you to a hall in Elsinore Castle.

Niles

[extending his own hand] Denmark!

Jackson

Ohhhhhh, I die, Horatio! [gasp] The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit! [gasp] I cannot live to hear the news from England, But I do prophesy the election lights On Fortinbras; [gasp, lies down] he has my dying voice. the rest is... [exaggerated whisper] silence! [gasp]

Jackson

[getting up] You know, you boys were right! It's as if I never left!

Martin

Hey Fras, I just got my alligator pictures back.

Frasier

Oh!

Martin

Take a look.

Frasier

Mm-hmm. [does] Yes.

Martin

That's Cap'n Pete.

Frasier

Right.

Martin

That's the gator boat.

Frasier

Uh-huh.

Martin

That's a chicken.

Frasier

Yeah.

Martin

Oh, and that's him: the one I call Snappy.

Frasier

[last photo] What's that?

Martin

Oh, that's Duke's bypass scar. I had to use up the roll.

Frasier

Well, we'll have to look at these later, Dad. That'll be Niles, he's here to discuss our show.

Martin

You want a show? Well, take a tip from me, Mr. Producer: one alligator, one chicken, one satisfied audience.

Frasier

Oh hello, Niles, come on in.

Niles

Frasier, I got your message, it sounded urgent.

Frasier

Yes, yes, it's about Jackson.

Niles

Oh please, don't tell me he's getting any worse. Yesterday I saw the stagehands passing out earplugs.

Frasier

It's not his fault! He's only rusty! After years on that ridiculous space opera, he's picked up some bad habits! Well, I was fortunate enough to find a videotape of his one-man show. Once he sees this, it will remind him of what good acting is; you know, shake loose the artist from the android!

Niles

That, sir, is why you are the first "Crane" in "Crane & Crane Productions!"

Frasier

Yes, thank you. All right, listen, Jackson's on his way over here. Let's take a quick peek at this.

Niles

Good idea.

Frasier

Oh, his Lear. Oh gosh, that brings back memories. Here, let me turn up the volume. [does]

Jackson

[on TV] Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow! You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout till you have drrrrrrrrrrrrench'd our steeples, drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrown'd the cocks!

Niles

He's awful.

Frasier

The man has no instincts. Just stinks.

Niles

I guess we were just too young to know it. Frasier, this is going to be humiliating - not just for us, but for Jackson. What are we gonna do?

Frasier

[thinks, then gets up] What all good producers do: we'll shut down and blame the director!

Frasier

That'll be Jackson now. All we have to do is get Jackson to bow out gracefully, and we'll refund all the tickets.

Jackson

Hello, lads!

Frasier

Please come in, Mr. Hedley.

Jackson

Ah, you must be the Crane pater! It is a pleasure to encounter the headwaters whence bridge these twin rivers upon which I have launched my humble craft.

Martin

Likewise. [goes to his room] I'm telling you: one gator, one chicken.

Frasier

Please, Mr. Hedley, won't you sit down?

Niles

Yeah.

Jackson

[does] Oh, I see my producers have long faces. I think I know why.

Frasier

You do?

Jackson

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

Frasier

It is to us.

Jackson

Well, your worries are at an end: I fired the director! The man's a clod! I mean, not even the stagehands follow his directions! He shouts at them and they pretend not to hear.

Frasier

Mr. Hedley, it's not the director. We have a problem.

Jackson

What sort of problem?

Frasier

Let me be frank, because an artist of your caliber deserves honesty... an acting performance is a journey of discovery. This brief rehearsal time that we've given you is-is far too short to reach Parnassus, home of the Muses.

Niles

Forgive us for being so blunt.

Jackson

Ah, I see! We're getting to the real problem: I've got untested producers, and they've got the jitters. Ah, but not to worry, it's perfectly natural! Do you know I've never worked with producers who haven't wanted to pull the plug before the opening night? But I won't let you quit! This show is going on! In the words of our great author, "stiffen the sinews! Summon up the blood! Disguise fair nature with hard-favored [nearly falsetto] rage! They lend the eye a terrible aspect!"

Niles

I think he's getting better, don't you?

Stage Manager

[o.s.] Fifteen minutes to curtain!

Frasier

Look out there. Everybody we know is out there. Look at all those smiling faces, soon to be frozen into a rictus of revenge!

Niles

The place is packed!

Frasier

It's standing room only! [gets an idea] You know, Niles... I think we may have exceeded maximum occupancy.

Niles

That could be... a fire hazard.

Frasier

It would be a shame if someone should... call the fire marshal and he should shut us down.

Niles

Yes, it would. A damn shame if the old phone in the marshal's office should start to ching-ching-ching...

Frasier

Just call!

Manager

Ten minutes to curtain!

Frasier

No, I'm-I'm sorry, I-I believe that your watch happens to be a tad fast.

Manager

It's electromagnetically set to Greenwich Mean Time.

Frasier

Get me a Sprite!

Niles

Well, the marshal will be here as quickly as he can. There's a five-alarmer in the paper district.

Frasier

Just our luck!

Niles

What are we going to do now?

Roz

Hey, guys!

Frasier

Oh, Roz!

Roz

This is Jackson Hedley's father, I found him wandering around out front looking for Jackson.

Frasier

Lovely to see you.

Cecil

Thank God I'm not late! You know, I'm Jackson's lucky charm. Do you know, he's so superstitious - one day I didn't turn up for opening night, and he refused to go on.

Niles

Is that so?

Frasier

Then we must get you to him immediately! You see, you're at the wrong theater!

Cecil

Oh!

Frasier

Yes, yes, Jackson's performing clear across town!

Cecil

But the sign outside says "An Evening With Jackson Hedley!"

Frasier

I know, you see, there's been a terrible snafu-

Niles

Snafu!

Frasier

-with the marquee letters. You see, they got ours, we got theirs.

Cecil

Oh, what's playing here?

Niles

"Cats."

Cecil

Ah, I love "Cats."

Frasier

Who doesn't, but surely you love your son more!

Frasier

This young lady knows this town inside and out! Roz, please escort Mr. Hedley to the Portland Playhouse A.S.A.P.!

Roz

But-

Frasier

There's no time for buts, please do it now!

Roz

Right, let's go, Mr. Hedley.

Cecil

Oh please, call me Cecil.

Roz

All right, Cecil.

Cecil

Do you know, I have a predilection for brunettes.

Niles

Well, should we go break the bad news to our star?

Frasier

Yes!

Frasier

Mr. Hedley, I'm afraid we have some bad news.

Niles

It's about your father, it seems his plane is going to be late.

Jackson

What, you mean my father won't make it for the show?!

Frasier

We know this must be devastating to you-

Jackson

On the contrary! For once my performance won't be inhibited by that judgmental nitpicker! Tonight I can really cut loose! Those seats in the very back row will be rattling!

Frasier

That is good news.

Manager

Five minutes to curtain. [leaves]

Jackson

And now if you'll excuse me, it's time to center.

Niles

Any more ideas?

Manager

These are the producers. The, uh, fire marshal's here.

Marshal

Do you guys have any idea how many people you got out there? You're way over capacity.

Frasier

You're not gonna shut us down, are you?

Niles

Frasier, I knew we shouldn't have added all those dry wooden seats.

Marshal

Well, maybe next time you'll know better.

Jackson

Has anyone seen my other skull?

Frasier

Mr. Hedley, I'm afraid we have some bad news-

Marshal

Hey, you're Tobor!

Jackson

Oh, correct.

Marshal

I used to watch your show all the time! I even have that old Playboy when Space Princess Alexa did that spread.

Jackson

Oh, the one on the lava rocks? Yes, I've got that one too.

Marshal

I didn't know he was the one performing tonight. I'll let you guys stay open, on one condition: I get to watch the show.

Frasier

[last try] We're out of seats!

Marshal

It's OK, I'll sit in the aisle.

Manager

Three minutes to curtain!

Jackson

[finds his skull] Ah, here's the right one!

Niles

Well, we may as well just take our lumps.

Frasier

No, no! We're not going to take any lumps! Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Niles

What are you doing?

Frasier

Shield yourself, Niles, "for the rain, it raineth everyday!"

Frasier

This place really is a deathtrap!

Niles

This is hopeless.

Cecil

I managed to shake that woman, I want to see "Cats!"

Cecil

Son!

Jackson

[feigning] Father! My good luck charm!

Frasier

Oh my God! Oh Mr. Hedley, are you all right?

Jackson

I think I've broken something!

Niles

Oh my God, [to the stage manager] call an ambulance! Make sure Mr. Hedley is comfortable!

Frasier

Dear God, Niles, I feel horrible. It's as if we wished it, and it happened.

Niles

Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved. Actually, it's about 30-70.

Frasier

Well, I guess I'd better go out and make an announcement.

Frasier

If I may have your attention, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight my brother Niles Crane and I had hoped to bring a great talent back to the stage. A truly, truly gifted actor, a man we greatly admire...

Frasier

[claps his hands] Yes, yes, he does deserve your applause, but in a tragedy befitting of the Bard himself, it seems that...

Frasier

...it seems he's ready to begin. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you now to a hall... in Elsinore Castle.

Jackson

Ohhhhhhhhh, I die, Horatio! [gasp]