Sliding Frasiers
Aired February 13, 2001 · Written by Dan O'Shannon & Bob Daily · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
All right, if you must know, I'm just about to leave for something called a "speed date."
Roz
What's a speed date?
Frasier
Well, apparently it's the latest thing: twelve men and twelve women get together in a room. They spend eight minutes talking to one other and then move on to the next person after a bell rings. Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.
Roz
Wow, talk about desperate. So what brought this on?
Frasier
Well, I'm just so tired of being surrounded by happy couples, I just thought I should do something a bit more proactive.
Roz
You wouldn't be talking about Niles and Daphne, would you?
Frasier
Oh, among others. Believe me, no one could be happier for Niles than I, but there are days when his lovesick swain act wears the tiniest bit thin.
Niles
Hello, all.
Niles
Notice anything different?
Roz
I like it.
Niles
Thank you. I've never worn an undergarment in public before.
Frasier
Is that my sweater?
Niles
Oh, yes, here. What's the emergency?
Frasier
Well, actually, I was going out this evening and I was thinking about changing my attire. While the suit projects a certain professionalism, you know "Dr. Frasier Crane," I was thinking perhaps the sweater could impart a more casual feel, "Just Fraizh." [He holds the sweater up.] Any thoughts?
Roz
[after a beat, she turns to Niles] So I bet you and Daphne have big Valentine's Day plans.
Niles
Oh, yes. She's cooking dinner for me and then I've a big surprise planned. I'm taking her to Cancun for a long romantic weekend.
Roz
Not bad!
Niles
Yes, I'm whisking her to the airport in a limo filled with exotic orchids. You don't think that's a too over the top, do you?
Roz
No, I think that boat sailed with your t-shirt.
Frasier
Here's an idea: what if put the sweater under the jacket? Then I'll get the best of both worlds.
Niles
[rising] Honestly, Frasier, could you be more self-absorbed? Goodbye, Roz. If you want to know more about our trip, we'll have pictures on our website when we get back.
Roz
Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, flip a coin.
Frasier
I know this may seem like nothing to you, Roz, but the tiniest decision can shape your whole destiny. So, which path should I follow? [He begins raising and lowering the sweater in front of himself.] Sweater? Suit. Sweater? Suit. Sweater?
Roz
[grabbing her head] Oh just pick one!
Frasier
Fine, you're right. Okay, fine. We'll go with... the suit.
Roz
You made the right choice.
Frasier
Wish me luck.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Say, don't you work at KACL?
Mike
Yeah, I just started. Mike Schafer.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Mike. Frasier Crane. Have you met Roz Doyle?
Mike
No.
Frasier
Oh, you are new, aren't you?
Roz
Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Monica
Oh, my god.
Roz
Frasier! Are you okay?
Frasier
Well, I - ow! Gosh, I think I've wrenched my shoulder.
Monica
Oh, I am so sorry.
Frasier
No, that's all right. Ow!
Monica
Oh, I'm taking you to the emergency room. Please, it's the least I can do.
Roz
Frasier, I have my car right outside, I'll take you.
Frasier
Roz, don't you have coffee waiting? [He turns to Monica.] Hi, I'm Frasier.
Monica
I'm... Monica. You must think I'm such a klutz!
Frasier
No, not at all.
Roz
Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, flip a coin.
Frasier
I know this may seem like nothing to you, Roz, but the tiniest decision can shape your whole destiny. So, which path should I follow? [He begins raising and lowering the sweater in front of himself.] Sweater? Suit. Sweater? Suit. Sweater?
Roz
[grabbing her head] Oh just pick one!
Frasier
Fine, you're right. We'll go with... the suit.
Frasier
No, no, the sweater.
Roz
You made the right choice.
Monica
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Mike
That's okay, no harm done.
Frasier
Good lord, what a klutz. All right, Roz, wish me luck.
Roz
Good luck!
Mike
Mike Schaefer. Looks like you're gonna need another cup of coffee.
Monica
Uh, yeah.
Monica
You know, you're not the first guy I've sent to the emergency room.
Frasier
Ah.
Monica
When I was ten my brother fell off my handlebars and broke his foot. Then, in art school, a pottery wheel got away from me and sort of rolled down some stairs and I broke one guy's knee and another guy's hip.
Frasier
I suppose after that you went on a kiln spree.
Monica
Uh, yeah. I guess you could say I've broken more than my share of bones.
Frasier
And more than your fair share of hearts, I'm sure.
Monica
I don't know about that.
Monica
Frasier, I am so sorry about your arm. I hope I haven't ruined your plans.
Frasier
No, actually, I didn't have anything special planned.
Judy
Hey, have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated "Aarr!"
Frasier
Yes, that's very droll.
Judy
Get it? Aarr!
Frasier
Yes, I do.
Judy
That's sort of my test joke, you know, to see if a guy's cool or not? Can you believe it, you're the first guy here who laughed? I mean, can't you just see it: a pirate walks into a movie theater, he's got his eye patch and his peg leg and…
Judy
Boy that did not feel like eight minutes.
Frasier
[dripping irony] Indeed it did not.
Martin
Hey, Fras! How did that speed date thing go?
Frasier
It could not have been worse.
Martin
That's nice.
Frasier
You're not listening, Dad.
Martin
Oh, I'm sorry, Son. Well, you get any phone numbers?
Frasier
No, but if I ever want to track any of them down, I can always write them, care of... the bottom of the barrel.
Martin
Ah, that's too bad.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Daphne. Let me give you a hand with that.
Daphne
Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
You're really loadin' up, aren't you?
Daphne
It's for Niles' Valentine's dinner.
Frasier
Oh, that's not 'til next week.
Daphne
Yeah, but it's a complicated recipe. I need to practice. You two are going to be my guinea pigs.
Martin
Maybe we can fake our own deaths.
Frasier
Daphne? Are you planning on using cumin in this recipe?
Daphne
Yeah, the recipe calls for lots of it.
Frasier
Oh, lord, Niles is terribly allergic to cumin.
Daphne
Oh, dear. I knew about the scallops. And the nutmeg, the oat bran, wheat germ, carob, parchment mites...
Frasier
Yes, yes, I know. He tried to wearing an allergy tag, but his neck was too weak to support it.
Martin
[rising] D'you see that? The character in this movie dialed the phone and at the exact same time, our phone rang. It's like Montgomery Cliff's callin' me.
Frasier
Yes, that's fascinating, Dad.
Martin
Hello? Oh, hey, Niles. [he looks towards the kitchen] No, she can't hear. Ah, geez. I don't know about that. Well, all right, if it means that much to you, I'll do it. Yeah, bye.
Martin
That was your brother. He wants me to pack a suitcase for Daphne for her trip to Cancun. Now I'm gonna have to go through her unmentionables.
Frasier
I wonder if I'll ever see another unmentionable.
Martin
Ah, come on, Frasier, it was just one bad date.
Frasier
It was twelve bad dates. And a hundred before that. [he lightly plays the piano and starts singing] I'm through with love... I'll never call again...
Martin
You're gonna be like this all night, aren't you? [to Daphne] It breaks my heart to see him like this. Fortunately, I can't see him from McGinty's.
Martin
Hey Fras! How did that speed date thing go?
Frasier
Actually, I didn't go, Dad. I went to the hospital instead.
Martin
That's nice.
Frasier
Dad, you're not listening.
Martin
Oh, I'm sorry son. [he turns and sees Frasier's arm] What happened? Are you all right?
Frasier
Actually, I tripped and sprained my shoulder, but I'm actually feeling no pain because I met a beautiful young woman.
Martin
Oh, is she a nurse?
Frasier
No, she's the girl that tripped me. Her name is Monica, she's a commercial artist, she's cute as a button, and she's a danger to herself and others.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Daph.
Daphne
Could you give me a hand here?
Frasier
Well, I would, except I sprained my shoulder. [she looks at Martin]
Martin
Bullet in the hip.
Daphne
You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
The doctor told me to take it easy.
Frasier
Oh, I met a girl today!
Daphne
[heading to the kitchen] Yeah, so did she.
Frasier
You know what? It might be a bit soon, but I think I'm gonna give Monica a call.
Martin
[rising] D'you see that? The character in this movie dialed the phone and at the exact same moment, our phone rings. It's like Montgomery Cliff's callin' me.
Frasier
Say hello to him for me.
Martin
Hello? Oh, hey, Niles. [he looks towards the kitchen] No, she can't hear. ... Ah, geez. I don't know about that.
Frasier
Hi, Monica. Yeah, injured anybody lately? [he laughs] Really? I was calling because I thought maybe we could have dinner tomorrow night. I don't know, maybe we could meet at Café Nervosa around seven and go from there? Wonderful. Great. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.
Frasier
She said "Yes"!
Martin
Hey!
Frasier
Tomorrow night, I have a date with an angel!
Martin
Oh, you're gonna be like this all night, aren't you?
Daphne
McGinty's?
Martin
I'm way ahead of you.
Frasier
So we had dinner again on Thursday night, and then again on Friday. She had plans with her parents on Saturday, so, to keep our streak alive, I actually sent her a videotape of me eating and talking into the camera.
Roz
That's cute!
Frasier
You don't think it's a little too much?
Roz
No. If you like her, go for it.
Frasier
So how are things with Mike?
Roz
Good. He's taking me to the Heart Association benefit for Valentine's Day.
Frasier
I'm going too. You know Roz, I think this a first: you and I in happy relationships at the same time.
Monica
Hey, Roz. Hi Frasier. How's your head?
Frasier
[rising] Uh, it's better actually. My peripheral vision's coming back.
Monica
[laughing] Oh, good. So sorry. Listen, everyone at work's talking about the beautiful flowers you sent me. Thank you.
Frasier
Wait 'til you see what's coming next. You won't be able to thank me in public.
Monica
Frasier, I hate to break it to you, but you don't have to keep sending me flowers and poetry. You officially have my attention.
Monica
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Frasier
Oh, let me get that for you.
Monica
No. You're sweet, but I think I can get my own coffee.
Roz
Looks like all that hard work you've been doing is paying off.
Frasier
Well, I'm not about to let up now. I never want her to feel as if she's being taken for granted.
Roz
Wow. You're giving Niles a run for his money.
Frasier
Oh, please. In the great golden book of love, Niles will be a mere footnote to my glorious saga. I'm gonna take his ball and run it to the end zone. [then, nervously] Is that a thing?
Roz
Yes.
Frasier
Good.
Martin
Oh, come on, Fras. You've been moping around here all week. Why don't you join me at McGinty's? It's crazy around there on Valentine's Day. Last year McGinty hired this fat guy in a diaper to go around shooting a bow and arrow at people. No, wait. That might have been the Super Bowl.
Frasier
You had me right up until "diaper," Dad.
Niles
You guys, you guys! You have to see this. Wait, wait, look: Daphne has sauce on her nose! Is that the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life? Wait, wait, let me get it.
Niles
Yumm.
Daphne
You've got some on your neck.
Niles
All right, seriously, wait. I was going to wait 'til after dinner to tell you this, but I can't: In three hours you and I are going to be on a plane to Cancun!
Daphne
Oh, I barely have time to pack!
Niles
It's already taken care of, Dad packed a bag for you.
Daphne
Oh, Mr. Crane!
Daphne
I've never been this happy in my life!
Niles
I'm happier than you are!
Frasier
Excuse me, somebody trying to watch "Behind the Music," here.
Frasier
Hello? Yeah, hi, Roz. No, no I'm not going to the benefit. Yeah, I'll bet she's got a great personality. Yes, well, thanks anyway, Roz. Listen, you have a good time. Right, goodnight.
Martin
Roz find you a date for tonight?
Frasier
Yeah, she's going with some guy lives in her building, he's got a sister.
Martin
Hey, you oughta go. Beats hangin' around here feeling sorry for yourself.
Frasier
Dad, please. The only thing worse than a blind date would be a blind date on Valentine's Day. Okay? I couldn't imagine a worse way to spend an evening.
Niles
You have to see this!
Niles
Let's get more! Come on, come on, let's do it again!
Frasier
Maybe Roz hasn't left yet.
Frasier
It's now 7:45. At this precise moment, she should be receiving a jeroboam of chilled champagne.
Martin
You're really layin' it on thick, aren't ya?
Frasier
Oh, God, Dad, you don't know the half of it. This morning she was awakened by a string quartet on her porch. Then, when Monica arrived at her office, there were seven dozen roses on her desk. A dozen for every day that I've known her.
Daphne
I'm sorry!
Martin
What happened?
Daphne
He's having some kind of reaction to the sauce.
Niles
[scratching] Did you put scallops in it?
Daphne
No.
Frasier
Nutmeg?
Daphne
No.
Martin
Wheat germ?
Daphne
No.
Frasier
Carob?
Daphne
No.
Niles
Cumin?
Daphne
Maybe.
Niles
Oh, this is a disaster! We have reservations to fly to Cancun tonight!
Daphne
Really?
Niles
Well we can't go now! I can't possibly sit still on a plane for five hours with this rash you've given me!
Frasier
Now, Niles, don't let a little mistake disturb the most magical evening of...
Niles
Oh, the whole weekend is ruined!
Daphne
Well, I said I was sorry!
Niles
I even had Dad pack a bag for you!
Daphne
You did what? You let him go through my things? How could you?!
Niles
I'm sorry! I was trying to something nice for our first Valentine's Day!
Daphne
Well, what do you think I was trying to do?
Daphne
Now I'm going to have to spend the whole night rubbing lotion all over you.
Niles
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Niles
You have sauce on your nose. Let me get it.
Daphne
You've got some on your neck.
Frasier
Hey, Roz. Where's Mike?
Roz
Oh, he's parking the car. Monica, what a gorgeous corsage.
Monica
Oh, thank you. It was a gift from Frasier. Along with about a million roses.
Kenny
Hello, young lovers.
Frasier
Oh, Kenny, look at you.
Kenny
What can I say? Under this gruff exterior beats the heart of a true romantic. I just love love.
Roz
So where's your wife?
Kenny
She had plans.
Roz
Come on, Kenny, I'll buy you a drink.
Kenny
Great.
Frasier
Why don't we sit down? Here we are, let me.
Frasier
I was thinking perhaps, after the party, we could take a carriage ride in the park and make our way to your place where, I believe, there is a two pound box of chocolate truffles waiting for you.
Monica
Oh, two pounds. Wow.
Frasier
Yes, well, your sister told me that truffles were your favorite.
Monica
You talked to Cheryl? I haven't talked with her in months.
Frasier
Well you'll have your chance on Sunday, we're having dinner with her and Jack.
Monica
There's a lot of people here.
Frasier
Oh, yes of course, I understand.
Roz
Hey Frasier!
Frasier
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Hi. Happy Valentine's Day.
Frasier
Same to you.
Roz
This is my date, Robert.
Frasier
Hello.
Robert
Nice to meet you.
Frasier
Nice to meet you, too. Well, Roz, listen, thanks for getting me out of the house. I'd been sitting there feeling sorry for myself long enough.
Roz
That's the spirit!
Frasier
You know, on the way over here, I was actually getting excited over meeting someone new.
Robert
Here's my sister now.
Frasier
Oh.
Judy
Oh, my God! Aarr!
Frasier
Aarr!
Judy
Aarr!
Frasier
Okay.
Roz
Wow, looks like you two already know each other. You even have your own language.
Judy
It must be fate.
Frasier
[pained] It must be.
Frasier
For you.
Monica
Oh, another rose. Frasier, I appreciate everything you're doing, the flowers, the carriage ride, the "Love Is..." cartoons from the newspaper...
Frasier
It's just a drop in the ocean compared to what you deserve.
Emcee
That song was dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. Terry Craypence, celebrating their thirtieth anniversary.
Monica
That's so cute.
Frasier
Well, I'm glad to hear you say that. You wait right here.
Monica
Okay.
Frasier
Good evening everybody, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Normally I deal with matters of the head, but tonight I'd like to share what's in my heart. Monica, this is for you.
Frasier
Have I a hope or half a chance, To even think that I could dance with you? Ooh, ooh. Would you greet me or politely turn away? Would there suddenly be sunshine on a cold and rainy day? Oh, babe, what would you say?
Frasier
Yes, oh, baby I know, I know I could be so in love (congratulations) with you. And I know that I could make you love me too. And if I could hear you say the words you do, ooh, ooh. Well anyway, what would you say?
Monica
Frasier, we need to talk.
Kenny
Ouch!
Monica
Don't get me wrong, Frasier. Everything you did was nice, it was just... too much. You made me feel like a project and not a person.
Frasier
Well, I could tone things down. And we could start fresh. How about lunch tomorrow? You see, I was going to say breakfast.
Monica
I think I should go.
Frasier
I see. Well, you know, I'll get my car.
Monica
No, that's okay. I'm gonna get my stuff and just take a cab. So, [she kisses him] bye.
Roz
Are you okay?
Frasier
Well, I'm humiliated.
Roz
Oh, Frasier, no one even noticed what happened.
Kenny
Ouch.
Frasier
It's my own fault, really. I guess I just saw what Niles had and I pushed too hard to get it for myself.
Roz
Well, if it means anything, I thought what you did was terribly romantic.
Frasier
Well, maybe...
Roz
Come on, let me walk you to your car.
Frasier
Oh, well, what about Mike?
Roz
Oh, it'll only be a few minutes, he'll be fine.
Monica
Oh, I'm sorry. I am such a klutz.
Mike
That's okay. Really, it's fine.
Monica
Let me get you another drink. Please, it's the least I can do.
Mike
I guess that'd be okay. Mike.
Monica
Monica.
Announcer
We now return to a repeat broadcast of "The Best of Crane". Please do not call in.
Frasier
[voice over from the radio] Before the break we were talking to Phil, who's having trouble getting over a relationship. Phil, if you're listening, it might help to keep in mind the old adage: It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Frasier
I do make a good point.
Frasier
What a load of crap.
Frasier
[v.o.] Let's go to our next caller.
Rachel
[v.o.] Hi, this is Rachel. I just want to let you know, I read that Thurber book you quoted, and man, is he funny!
Frasier
Glad you liked him.
Rachel
I also have a confession to make: You know, I have a big crush on you.
Frasier
Oh, well, I'm flattered, Rachel, but I make it a policy not to date my callers.
Rachel
[v.o.] Well, if you ever change you mind, I'm the chef at the Columbia Street Grill. You should come by sometime.