Hungry Heart
Aired February 20, 2001 · Written by Gayle Abrams · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry. Care for some brie?
Frasier
No, thank you Daphne. Isn't Niles taking you to dinner soon?
Daphne
Yeah, but if I don't have a little snack now, I'll just make a pig of meself later.
Frasier
You know, I'm really starting to worry about her.
Martin
You're worried? Somewhere on a poultry farm a bunch of chickens are holdin' a prayer vigil.
Frasier
Ah! Hello, Niles.
Niles
[entering] Hello, Frasier. Look at what I brought: chocolate covered honey nougat praline bombs! And they're jumbos!
Martin
Well, we knew they weren't for us.
Frasier
Dad!
Frasier
Listen, Niles. This may be a bit of a sensitive subject, but have you noticed anything... different about Daphne lately?
Niles
Well, she's happier, as am I.
Frasier
Well, I guess I meant more in a... physical way.
Niles
Well, she trimmed her bangs, that was a week ago. Men!
Frasier
I, I guess what I'm really talking about is her... size.
Niles
Well, that's my fault. I was self-conscious about our height difference and I asked her to stop wearing high-heeled shoes.
Frasier
Niles...?
Niles
Yes?
Frasier
[giving in] I hope one day to love a woman the way you love Daphne.
Niles
Don't worry, you will, you will. [They hug.] Now, where's my little sparrow?
Frasier
She's in the kitchen.
Niles
All right.
Frasier
Kenny. Gosh, this is a surprise.
Kenny
I'm sorry to drop by like this, it's just that I'm in a terrible bind.
Frasier
Is there something wrong at the station?
Kenny
[entering] No, no, it's personal. I stopped by a bar last night to watch the game, and I started talking to this woman, Janice. She was so beautiful, and she had this great laugh, and she smelled... good. And for some crazy reason, she liked me too.
Frasier
Oh, Kenny, what did you do?
Kenny
I made a date with her. She's waiting for me right now at Chez Henri! I've never done anything like this before. I'm a married man with kids and I have a date!
Frasier
Kenny! Listen, if you go down and meet with this woman, it could be the end of your marriage. Now, I've never met your wife, but you've always spoken very highly of her. Are you prepared to lose her?
Kenny
No!
Frasier
Then you can't go.
Kenny
Stand Janice up? She'll wonder what happened, she'll call my house.
Frasier
You gave this woman your home number?
Kenny
I'm new at this!
Frasier
Oh, God. All right, well, you're just gonna have to go down there and tell her the whole thing's off.
Kenny
No, no. Don't make me go down there, Doc. I'm weak. One look in her eyes and those sexy, full lips... well, maybe a quick hello.
Frasier
Kenny, Kenny, wait! Maybe you're right, maybe you shouldn't go down there.
Kenny
Well, what else am I gonna do?
Frasier
All right, uh... Go home. I'll go down and talk to her for you.
Kenny
Wow. You'd really do that? Thanks Doc!
Frasier
Well, yes. All right. Okay. [He separates them and gets his coat.] What name did you make the reservation under?
Kenny
Kenny Daly.
Frasier
What are you thinking?
Kenny
They know me there, I wanted a good table!
Frasier
All right.
Mrs. Daly
Excuse me. Are you Janice?
Janice
Yes.
Mrs. Daly
The Janice who's meeting Kenny Daly?
Janice
Yes, is there a problem?
Mrs. Daly
Just one: I'm his wife!
Janice
Oh, my God! He didn't tell me he was married!
Mrs. Daly
Why am I not surprised?
Janice
[getting up] Well, I am so sorry. [She thinks a moment.] Oh, now you must have heard my message on your answering machine.
Mrs. Daly
Yeah. And for your information, Kenny's eyes are brown, not "hazelicious"!
Mrs. Daly
[to waiter] Uh, excuse me. Could you please take... this? [She hands Janice's wine to him.]
Waiter
Yes, ma'am.
Frasier
Excuse me, are you meeting Kenny Daly?
Mrs. Daly
You bet I am!
Frasier
Well, I'm Frasier Crane.
Mrs. Daly
Yes, I know.
Frasier
Oh, thank you. It's always nice to meet a fan. [He sits.] Anyway, I'm afraid I have a bit of bad news. You see, Kenny won't be making it tonight.
Mrs. Daly
Why not?
Frasier
Well, uh, there's something you should know about Kenny. Janice, isn't it?
Mrs. Daly
Uh... yes. Janice.
Frasier
You see, Kenny's married.
Mrs. Daly
Really?
Frasier
Yes. He wanted to come down and tell you himself, but I insisted that I come instead. You see, he finds you so attractive, that he can't control himself around you.
Mrs. Daly
Is that right?
Frasier
Yes. In fact, I practically had to wrestle him away from the door.
Mrs. Daly
I don't believe this.
Frasier
Janice... Listen, there's no need to cry. You know, there are other fish in the sea. And certainly a woman as beautiful as you could have her pick.
Mrs. Daly
You don't have to say that.
Frasier
No, no, it's true.
Waiter
Are you ready to order?
Mrs. Daly
Oh, we're not staying.
Frasier
Oh, just hang on a second. Janice, listen, I'm free tonight, what do you say I buy you dinner?
Mrs. Daly
Oh, I don't know...
Frasier
Come on, you deserve to have a nice evening.
Mrs. Daly
Well, I haven't been out in a long time.
Frasier
There, see? There you go. You know, they happen to make a sumptuous creme brulee here.
Mrs. Daly
Really? Well... why the hell not?
Niles
Here we go.
Daphne
Thank you.
Niles
Thank you. I'll just put this in the fridge.
Daphne
That sure was a snooty restaurant. The waitress' eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling when I asked for a doggy bag.
Niles
I don't know what their problem was, the people at the next table barely touched this pork chop.
Niles
Daphne?
Niles
What happened?
Daphne
I stepped on Eddie's chew toy and twisted my ankle. I don't think I can get up.
Niles
Here, here, let me help you.
Niles
Damn these weak shanks!
Daphne
Oh, it's not you, it's me!
Niles
Oh, don't be silly. You're light as a feather.
Daphne
Oh, Niles, look at me! I'm a tub!
Niles
Darling, no. You might be perhaps a bit sturdier, but I love you no matter what your size. I need to create some sort of fulcrum.
Daphne
I've spent weeks watching meself expand. I kept hoping it would go away by itself.
Niles
Well I'm sure all those sweets and lavish dinners I've heaped on you haven't helped.
Daphne
It's not your fault. I just need to develop some willpower.
Niles
I'll help you. We'll commit to a program of healthy eating and exercise. Together, there's nothing we can't...
Niles
Maybe if I throw a rope over that beam.
Martin
What happened?
Niles
Oh, Daphne tripped over something and fell.
Martin
Where's Eddie?! Oh my God! Eddie! Eddie!
Martin
[covering] Oh, there he is. I thought he might've ran away or somethin'.
Niles
Oh, darling, look at that. Your ankle's swelling up already. [He points.]
Daphne
It's the other one!
Martin
Here, let me give you a hand.
Daphne
Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
Martin
All right, on three. One, two, three!
Martin
Maybe the super has a hand truck.
Daphne
Kill me!
Frasier
Good lord, what happened?
Niles
Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
Martin
Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs.
Daphne
Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!
Martin
Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!
Frasier
Kenny. I thought you left hours ago.
Kenny
I tried to, but I kept circling the block. I couldn't go home until I knew everything was taken care of.
Frasier
Rest assured, you're off the hook.
Kenny
Oh, thanks Doc. How did Janice take it?
Frasier
I must say, she was rather attached to you, but I convinced her it was time to move on.
Kenny
You're sure she's over me? 'Cause once I get under a lady's skin, I'm like a splinter.
Frasier
I'm positive. Listen, Kenny, about Janice. There's something I'd like to ask you: See, we sort of hit it off. I made plans to see her again. Is that okay with you?
Kenny
Are you kidding? Anything for the guy who saved my marriage. I only hope this woman makes you as happy as my wife makes me.
Frasier
Thanks. Okay. Let's save a little for the ladies, shall we?
Frasier
Oh, Daphne, listen. My date'll be here any second and I can't seem to find the water crackers.
Daphne
Oh. Blame your brother. He cleared the kitchen of anything with any sugar, fat or flavor.
Frasier
Ah, well. You know, I must say Daphne, I've admired your resolve the past few days.
Daphne
Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Daphne
Bloody hell.
Daphne
Hi Niles.
Niles
Hello, Daphne.
Daphne
Oh, what's that?
Niles
Here it is: the Body Sculptor 100! Guaranteed to work twelve muscle groups all at once.
Daphne
I thought you were getting the 300.
Niles
Ah, couldn't lift it. Set it up in your room?
Daphne
Great, right behind you!
Frasier
Oh, Kenny!
Kenny
[entering] Sorry to barge in on you, I didn't know where else to turn. I think my wife's having an affair.
Frasier
Oh, now, Kenny, try to calm down. Isn't it entirely possible that because you were thinking of cheating yourself, you're just projecting your guilt onto her?
Kenny
No, no, Doc. She's been acting all weird lately. And tonight she went to a PTA meeting with her Wonder Bra jacked up to her chin.
Frasier
Oh, lord, that'll be Janice. We have a date.
Kenny
Oh, no, I don't want to see her! That might be a little awkward.
Frasier
Right, right. Okay, tell you what: why don't you wait in my bedroom, it's right down the hall there. And I'll send her to the kitchen and come get you when the coast is clear.
Frasier
Oh, Janice, come on in. [She enters.] Here let me take your coat.
Frasier
Well, gosh, you look lovely.
Mrs. Daly
Thank you. [She looks around.] What a nice place. I'm not used to a man with such good taste.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
Mrs. Daly
Oh, it is, it is.
Frasier
Janice, if you'll forgive me, I have something I need to take care of in the other room. I'll tell you what, why don't you head into the kitchen and select a wine.
Mrs. Daly
Oh, I wouldn't know what to pick.
Frasier
Well, all right. On the counter you'll find my wine log. Just select something from "Frasier's Favorites."
Frasier
All right, Kenny, Janice is in the kitchen so you're free to go.
Kenny
Go where? To an empty house? An all-night movie? Just walk the streets?
Frasier
All those sound good.
Kenny
I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna call her cell phone. I'll tell her I love her and demand she come home! Instead of crying on your shoulder, it's time I started acting like a man.
Frasier
Good for you!
Kenny
Can you dial for me? My hands are sweaty.
Niles
Daphne!
Niles
Good news. I fixed the exercise machine. Turns out you didn't bend the frame, you just popped one of the springs. What are you doing?
Daphne
Dr. Crane insisted I dust all knick-knacks before going out.
Frasier
Ah, hello, Niles.
Niles
Good God, man! Just because Daphne lives here doesn't mean she's at your beck and call twenty four hours a day! As soon as we finish our obliques, we're out of here whether you like it or not!
Daphne
Tyrant!
Frasier
Janice?
Mrs. Daly
Kenny, I'll have to call you back.
Frasier
Hi. Have you selected a wine?
Mrs. Daly
Uh, Frasier, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this date. It's about Kenny.
Frasier
Oh, lord, you're still thinking about Kenny. Listen, I know Kenny, I like Kenny, but he's married.
Mrs. Daly
Well, I know...
Frasier
And yet, he left his loving wife and family at home so he could go trolling bars for women.
Mrs. Daly
Maybe he regrets that.
Frasier
Oh yeah, sure. Men ALWAYS change.
Mrs. Daly
Are you saying I can't trust him?
Frasier
No. I'm saying that you deserve a man who thinks you're as special as I do.
Mrs. Daly
You are very persuasive.
Frasier
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be back in one moment.
Mrs. Daly
All right.
Frasier
Dad! I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date.
Kenny
Doc, I need you in the bedroom.
Martin
Pretty.
Frasier
Very funny!
Martin
I'm just taking Eddie for a walk and then I'll beat it on over to McGinty's, all right?
Frasier
Dad! For God's sake, how many times do I have to tell you, my Chihuly is not a trash can!
Frasier
All right, Kenny, time to go.
Kenny
Look at her. How did I ever let a woman like this get away?
Frasier
I'll tell you what, let me work up some preliminary thoughts over the weekend.
Kenny
Look at this one. It's her at the Grand Canyon. I ask you: which one is the true natural wonder?
Frasier
Oh, my God!
Kenny
Yeah, those were the breast-feeding months. Good times.
Roz
Hey, Daphne.
Daphne
Hi Roz, come on in.
Roz
I can't stay, I just brought you that low-fat cookbook I was telling you about.
Daphne
You look nice.
Roz
Oh, thanks. I'm going to a club tonight. I got this new perfume that's just loaded with pheromones.
Daphne
What are those?
Roz
I don't know, some sort of hormone that's supposed to get a guy all excited.
Daphne
[laughing] You really think it'll work?
Roz
It's worth a try. After all it is approved by the "Food and Love Administration." Check it out.
Daphne
I don't smell anything.
Roz
Really? Maybe I should put some more on. Do you mind?
Daphne
No, go ahead.
Kenny
What kind of person goes out with another man's wife and tears a family apart?! I mean there are children involved here!
Frasier
All right now, listen, let's not get overly dramatic, all right?
Kenny
God, if you're listening, let me have vengeance on his soul! [getting up] I gotta go.
Frasier
No! No, no, no. You're only going to do something rash. I'll tell you what, Kenny, I want you to lie down on the bed.
Kenny
What?
Frasier
Yes, yes. This is a very effective anger management technique.
Kenny
All right. [He lays down.]
Frasier
There you go. Just lean back, close your eyes and count to a hundred... thousand.
Mrs. Daly
Oh, Frasier, I'm ready for that wine, now. [She holds up the glasses.]
Frasier
You're Kenny's wife!
Mrs. Daly
Oh, God! [She puts the wine down.] How did you find out?
Frasier
He's in my bedroom.
Mrs. Daly
What?
Frasier
He came here asking for advice. He thought you were cheating on him, which you very nearly were.
Mrs. Daly
I've gotta get out of here!
Frasier
Right. Why did you lie to me?
Mrs. Daly
I was angry and hurt and mixed up and you were so nice to me and I don't know...
Frasier
Listen, you have to understand something, Kenny loves you. Yes, he was attracted to someone, but please, you have to forgive him for that. I mean, after all, you were attracted to me.
Mrs. Daly
That was more revenge.
Frasier
Ah. Well, that's neither here nor there. [He opens the door for her.] Listen, it was nice to meet you.
Mrs. Daly
It was nice to meet you. I just want to thank you. For making an ordinary housewife feel so...
Kenny
[from the hallway] Hey, Doc?
Frasier
Goodbye.
Kenny
That anger management's a load of crap!
Frasier
Kenny, Kenny. Your wife is not cheating on you. Don't ask me how I know that. Maybe it's because of the hundreds of people I've counseled over the years, maybe, maybe it's just a hunch, I don't know. It's just that yes, the two of you have problems, but they're the kinds of problems people have when they've been in a relationship a long time. All you need to do is talk. I want you to go home. I'm sure you'll find your wife there waiting for you.
Kenny
I hope you're right. Thanks Doc.
Frasier
Oh, any time.
Kenny
[noticing] That's my wife's purse.
Frasier
Hmm? That's not your wife's purse.
Kenny
Yes it is.
Frasier
No, it's not.
Kenny
I know my wife's purse, I got it for her birthday.
Frasier
Lots of women can have the same purse.
Kenny
Well, if it's not hers, why don't you let me see it?
Frasier
Kenny, I've gotta tell you something. It's a little complicated and I'm sure that in the future we'll all have a good laugh over it. It's just that well, I did not have a date with Janice tonight.
Kenny
Well, you had a date with someone. The wine, the fire...
Frasier
Yes, yes, I did have a date. But it was with...
Kenny
Roz?
Frasier
Exactly.
Roz
What are you guys talkin' about?
Roz
Wow! That stuff really works. Maybe I should wipe some of it off.
Frasier
Right. Here, take your purse.
Roz
Wait, Frasier, what are you talking about? This isn't my...
Martin
I don't want to know.
Kenny
You dog! Oh, by the way, Doc, I owe you some chocolates. I got a little hungry in your room and I noticed that box of Fanny Farmers you got stuck between two books? Thanks again.
Frasier
[confused] I don't keep chocolate in my room... [He knocks on the powder room door.] Roz! Get out here.
Roz
Try to control yourself!
Martin
Who stashed a box of doughnuts behind Eddie's dog food?
Daphne
[quickly] Well, we better get going.
Niles
Okay.
Niles
Daphne? Is there something you want to tell me?
Daphne
[sheepishly] I love you?
Niles
Anything else?
Daphne
[breaking down] I love chocolate. And pastries and, oh God, I can't stop eating. I'm out of control.
Niles
Come here, come here, it's all right my love. We're going to get you through this.
Frasier
Of course we will, Daph. You know, there are professionals who can help.
Martin
Yeah, they can wire your jaw shut, staple your stomach, put a balloon in your gut...
Frasier
Thank you Dad! I was referring to something more like a spa, all right? Although you might look into that jaw thing!
Niles
Daphne, I, I think a spa is a wonderful idea. They can oversee your diet and plan your exercise and help you understand why you're overeating.
Frasier
Yes. Most importantly, Daphne, you should know that we love you, and you're not alone.
Daphne
Oh, thank you.
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
No! You stay right there! I don't blame you, I blame the people at Mantastic.