Hooping Cranes
Aired 27th February 2001 · Written by Jon Sherman · Directed by Kelsey Grammar
Frasier
Oh Roz, to what to I owe the pleasure?
Roz
A messenger delivered this for you after you left. It's marked "Personal and Confidential." I thought it might be important.
Roz
Oh, I already tried that, forget it. We could use some brighter bulbs at the office.
Frasier
Yes well, a brighter bulb wouldn't have admitted it. [opens the envelope] Let's see - oh! "Dear Dr. Crane, enclosed are four tickets to tonight's Sonics game as thanks for your advice on today's show. Sincerely, Allen from Earlemont."
Roz
That is gonna be a great game! You should take your dad and have a boy's night out.
Frasier
Well, actually Niles and I are already having a boy's night out. We're gonna go see the Northwest Chamber Ensemble's Spring Sing. After that, a late dinner at Le Cigare Volant!
Roz
Ooh, throw in a couple of strippers and that still sounds boring.
Frasier
And to think I was going to offer you these basketball tickets.
Roz
Well, can't use 'em anyway. I have a date with this French guy.
Frasier
So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
Roz
That's very funny. You know, I hope it goes well, because he doesn't speak any English, and the only French I know is "oui" and "non."
Frasier
I suppose you'll just be using one of those.
Roz
Before you get too clever, you're the one who's going out with his brother.
Frasier
[can say nothing but] Have a nice date, Roz.
Frasier
Oh Dad, I've got something here that I think you might be interested in.
Martin
Whoa-ho! Sonics tickets, how about that! Well, looks like I owe you an apology!
Frasier
An apology?
Martin
Well, last October you said we would go to a game together, but I thought that was just a lot of talk.
Frasier
Well, listen Dad, I intended to-
Martin
Well, it doesn't matter how long it took. You came through, that's what's important.
Frasier
[trapped] Glad to see you're so excited.
Martin
Well, who wouldn't be? [checks the tickets] Oh, look where we're sitting! Oh Frasier, you're the best!
Frasier
Listen Dad, there's something you should know-
Frasier
You're paying for the snacks.
Martin
All right! Well, we'd better get going! Who are the other tickets for?
Frasier
Well, uh, [the doorbell rings] they're for, uh, Niles and Daphne, of course. But, um, I made the arrangements so long ago I didn't anticipate Daphne going for her master's degree at the Fat Academy.
Frasier
But, uh, you know, Dad, uh, why don't I let Niles in, and then you can go get ready, all right?
Martin
I am ready.
Frasier
Don't you want to take your big foam finger?
Martin
Well, I got some nacho cheese on it last time, it smells kind of funky.
Frasier
[tries to sound cheerful] This is gonna be fun!
Niles
Oh good, for a moment I'd thought you'd left. You have the tickets?
Martin
Right here, we're good to go!
Niles
Dad's going with us?
Frasier
Yes, all three of us!
Martin
Well, we'd better get a move on, I'd like to get there early and see the players warm up.
Niles
Hey, me too! [to Frasier] What a surprise this is!
Frasier
Yes, just you wait!
Frasier
Ah, here we are, Row four. Here look, why don't we let Dad sit between us?
Niles
Good idea.
Announcer
[over P.A.] Now entering for the Sonics, Number Thirty-One, Brent Barry!
Niles
It's like those family road trips Dad used to drag us on. Uncomfortable seats, sticky floors, underlying threat of violence.
Frasier
However did we get through those?
Niles
Games, mostly. License plate spotting, I Spy, throwing up.
Frasier
You know, Niles, that wouldn't be so much a game as an activity.
Martin
Hey.
Frasier
Oh hi, Dad.
Martin
I sold the other ticket.
Frasier
Oh good, what'd you get for it?
Martin
Oh, these three frosty fellows and a chili dog that didn't make it.
Frasier
[takes a beer] Thank you.
Martin
[sits in the middle seat] Oh great, I didn't miss much.
Frasier
I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "V."
Niles
[looking around] Vagabond.
Frasier
No.
Niles
Vittles.
Frasier
No.
Niles
Vienna sausages.
Frasier
Where do you see Vienna sausages?
Niles
Well, I thought maybe that vendor might - oh, oh! "Vendor, vendor!"
Frasier
Excellent, Niles! Your turn.
Niles
I spy, with my little eye-
Martin
Would you cut it out, I'm trying to watch the game!
Frasier
We're just playing I Spy, Dad.
Martin
I know, and it's distracting.
Niles
Well, we used to do it all the time on family vacations.
Martin
And it was distracting then, so cut it out, or it'll end up like our family trip to Arizona.
Niles
You mean you'll turn around in your seat and almost drive the arena into the Grand Canyon?
Frasier
Tell you what, Dad, here. [getting up] Why don't you switch seats with me, and that way we won't disturb you?
Martin
All right, OK.
Martin
Oh, here's the lady who bought my ticket. I see you got yourself some suds there, huh?
Fan
Oh, you know it! You can't watch the Sonics without a beer or two! [to Niles] Especially this season, you know what I'm saying, huh?
Niles
Yes, might I. [to Frasier] I spy-
Fan
COME ON, BEECHAM, MOVE THAT SIDE OF BEEF DOWN THERE AND PLAY SOME DE-FENSE!
Fan
Come on, come on... YEAH-AAAAAHHHH!
Niles
Switch seats with me.
Fan
COME ON, HUSTLE! LET'S SEE SOME BALL MOVEMENT!
Frasier
[no fool] I'm going to say no.
Niles
Well, there's no way I'm enduring this for... however long this thing lasts! Uh, Dad, Dad, I'm sorry, eh, my leg is getting a little stiff. Would you mind switching seats with me so I can stretch it out?
Martin
Oh, stiff leg, huh? Must have been that bullet you had pumped into you while stopping a robbery. Oh no, wait, that was me!
Niles
Dad?
Martin
Oh, all right, all right, but this is the last time I'm moving.
Niles
All right, just uh, you go in there, and I'll step through here.
Niles
Ow, oh, my leg's very tender. [sits down] Oh well, better!
Frasier
Niles, my legs are much longer than yours.
Niles
So?
Frasier
So I should be sitting in that seat.
Niles
Well, I'm not switching.
Frasier
It was mine to begin with.
Niles
Well, I'm still not switching. I spy, with my little eye-
Frasier
I'm not playing.
Niles
Fine.
Frasier
Fine.
Frasier
Now what are you doing?
Niles
I'm staving off chapping. It's very dry in here, and I don't have any lip balm.
Frasier
[takes out a little jar] I do. [Niles reaches for it, but he pulls it away] Switch seats with me.
Niles
My integrity is not for sale.
Frasier
Suit yourself. [takes some balm and slowly applies it to his own lips] Oh my, these rich, waxy emollients are delightfully soothing...
Niles
All right, you can have the seat, for goodness's sake, here!
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
Give me that. [takes the balm and starts applying it]
Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, check your seat number! At half-time, one lucky fan will be taking your Northwest Cable's half- court shot! Are you ready? If your seat is Section 101-
Announcer
Row 4-
Announcer
Seat 2, congratulations!
Frasier
Good luck, Niles.
Niles
Thanks, Frasier.
Martin
Praying, Niles.
Niles
Thanks, Dad.
Woman
Come on, right this way. [holds up clipboard] Now, we need you to sign this release form.
Niles
Why, what happened?
Woman
No, it's just so we can use your image on television. [points] Right there is fine. [he signs it] OK, now I need you to put this on.
Niles
Oh, uh, OK, sure, uh, let me just- [takes off his suit jacket] Can I undo this?
Woman
Absolutely. Are you OK?
Niles
[tangled] I just haven't done a lot of basket-balling. I'm just a bit nervous.
Woman
Ah, don't worry. Nobody makes the shot.
Niles
Yes, well I'm not even sure I can roll it that far...
Niles
What's that?!
Woman
Oh, that's nothing. It's just half-time.
Frasier
Thank God we switched seats, that could be me down there! Poor Niles!
Martin
What do you mean? Every guy dreams of a chance like this.
Frasier
Dream or not, Dad, eventually he's going to try to take that shot. You know how Niles throws!
Martin
Yeah, and you're Pete Maravich.
Frasier
I don't know what that means.
Martin
Well, it means instead of criticizing him you might be a little more supportive. Because, no matter what happens down there, he's still your brother and my son.
Martin
Whoops, here we go. Hand me his beer, I'm going to need it.
Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, here to attempt your Northwest Cable's half-court shot, from right here in Seattle - Niles Crane!
Woman
There you go, Niles. Good luck.
Frasier
Now entering the apartment, a 5'9'' psychiatrist from Seattle, Niles Crane!
Martin
Yahoo! [as Niles hangs up his coat] He shakes, he bakes, he drives to the coat rack, he takes an arm out of the sleeve, he puts it up... and IT'S GOOD!
Niles
Thank you, Dad.
Frasier
[pouring sherry] Glass of sherry, Niles?
Niles
Please.
Martin
[as Niles takes the glass] He holds the glass, goes up to the sherry... IT'S GOOD!
Niles
OK, Dad!
Frasier
Gosh, Niles, you making that basket tonight was truly astonishing. And what's even more unbelievable is that you are now the proud owner of a rugged, ram-tough, all-terrain pickup truck.
Niles
It occurred to me we could use it to go antiquing.
Frasier
Ah! [clinks his glass against Niles's]
Martin
[checks the answering machine] Whoa, fourteen messages, new record! [presses button]
Duke
[on machine] Hey Martin, it's Duke. Was that Niles on Sports Center, or am I drunk? Call me. [beep]
Frank
[on machine] Marty, it's Frank. Bad news, Stosh had another heart attack... he saw your son make that basket, it's the greatest thing I've ever seen! Uh, give me a call. [beep]
Stosh
[on machine] Hey Marty, it's Stosh. Bad news-
Frank
I just did that one!
Stosh
Oh, sorry. Make sure you catch Sports Center! Congrats. [beep]
Martin
[stops the tape] We'll listen to the rest of them later. Oh Niles, I can't tell you how great you were tonight!
Niles
Well, thanks Dad, but I wasn't great. I just walked out on the court and heaved the ball as hard as I could and the rest was just luck.
Frasier
Well, that may be so, Niles, but still and all you did go down and do it. Not many people could have done that.
Martin
I know I always told you boys that sports aren't important... but they are! And what you did tonight out there makes me really proud.
Niles
Thanks.
Frasier
Good thing I wangled those tickets, eh, Dad?
Martin
[looks at the TV] Oh look, Niles is on TV! Oh, I can't believe it, he made Player of the Week! We've got us a real-life celebrity in our own home! [watching the replay] It's up... and IT'S GOOD!
Niles
[to counter person] Excuse me, nonfat latte to go, please. Hey Frasier, mind if I join you?
Frasier
Are you sure? The jocks usually sit over at that table.
Niles
Oh, this thing, yes, well, this was just part of a gift package the Sonics sent over.
Niles
I just didn't want to seem ungrateful. Not that I owe them anything; after all, I'm the one that drained it from way downtown.
Frasier
Yes, so we've been hearing.
Niles
Oh Frasier, don't grouse. I've earmarked a pair of practice pants for you.
Frasier
Thank you, Niles, but I'd like to think I've already mastered pants. I assume you're going to select a more appropriate jacket for this evening's concert?
Niles
Oh yeah, about that - Dad wants me to go with him to McGinty's so he can have me tell the tale.
Frasier
But Niles, we've already rescheduled the concert once!
Niles
Well, that was because of you.
Frasier
Well, not because of me, it was because of Dad.
Niles
Well, so is McGinty's.
Frasier
Well, it's not the same! We had an agreement! If you should choose to dishonor it, there will be consequences.
Niles
Why don't we compromise?
Frasier
Hmm?
Niles
Let's say we go and have a drink with Dad at McGinty's, and then afterwards proceed along to the concert?
Frasier
[fumbling] Well, I just don't, I don't, uh, well, I - all right, fine.
Niles
I'll see you later, Frasier.
Roz
Wow, Niles! You finally made varsity after thirty years, huh?
Niles
Yes, but it's not a real varsity jacket, Roz, so you're under no obligation to sleep with me.
Roz
See you around.
Niles
Take care.
Roz
Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
You may join me if you wish, Roz. Be forewarned, I am feeling a bit peevish.
Roz
[sitting] Oh, for God's sake, you're like Goldilocks with that latte. "This foam is too hard, this foam is too soft"-
Frasier
No, this is not about latte foam, Roz! Ever since Niles made that basket, his head's been getting bigger and bigger.
Roz
Well, you have to admit it was pretty amazing.
Frasier
Amazingly lucky! To hear Niles tell it, it all started with a little rubber factory in Sumatra, where an unsuspecting basketball began a journey that would lead to greatness.
Roz
So he's milking it a little bit, you'd do the same thing!
Frasier
I would not! I would treat it as the chance occurrence it was... like finding a terrific parking spot in front of the opera house.
Roz
[pouncing] You bragged about that for weeks!
Frasier
Well, it was right in front of the steps, Roz!
Roz
You know what I mean, Frasier.
Frasier
Yes, I suppose I do. Guess I'll just have to grin and bear it for a little while longer.
Roz
[gasps] There's Jean-Pierre.
Frasier
Oh, your French beau. How's that going?
Roz
I'm breaking up with him.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry.
Roz
Actually, you're going to do it for me.
Frasier
What?!
Roz
I don't speak French! I need you to translate-
Frasier
For God's sake-
Roz
Pleeease?
Frasier
Well, all right!
Roz
[cups a hand and yells in his ear] We're having coffee! Sit down!
Frasier
I can't imagine why this isn't working.
Roz
Jean-Pierre, this is Frasier.
Frasier
[shaking hands] Uh, C'est un plaisir de faire votre connaissance.
Roz
Now I want to do this gently, so will you tell him that I think he's a really nice guy.
Frasier
Uh-huh. Roz trouve que vous êtes génial.
Jean-Pierre
Elle veut rompre avec moi, n'est-ce pas?
Jean-Pierre
Tant mieux! Elle n'est pas mon type. Ça fait quelque temps que je cherche à m'en débarrasser.
Roz
What'd he say?
Frasier
Um, he said that he-he's very fond of you too.
Roz
OK, now tell him that these past few weeks... have been really fun.
Frasier
You can go faster, Roz.
Roz
Let me do this my way. Tell him!
Frasier
Uh, Voyez… elle a tout arrangé. Si ça ne vous dérange pas de la laisser faire.
Jean-Pierre
Je comprends. Dites-moi, où peut-on manger un bon bifteck?
Frasier
He says, what are you trying to say?
Roz
OK. Tell him, in another time, in another place, we might have a shot, but this just isn't working for me.
Frasier
Les «Cinq Couronnes» sont excellent pour filet – la carte des vins n'est pas mal non plus.
Frasier
Faire semblant de triste.
Jean-Pierre
[sadly] Est-ce qu'on peut fumer au restaurant?
Frasier
Is there any chance you'd reconsider?
Roz
I don't think so.
Frasier
Oh. Vous pouvez fumer dans le patio.
Roz
Is he OK?
Frasier
Yes Roz, he'll be fine. But, you know, I think for his sake we should wrap this up. [they get up]
Roz
Jean-Pierre...
Jean-Pierre
Roz...
Jean-Pierre
[over her shoulder, to Frasier] Merci pour le conseil, je meurs de faim!
Frasier
He says that he'll-
Roz
Please, Frasier. Some things don't need to be translated.
Bartender
So at this point, what were you thinking?
Niles
Stop tape, please. [the bartender does]
Martin
Boy, I'd be thinking about that sweet truck.
Barfly
Yeah, me, too.
Niles
[chuckles] Not me. If you're focusing on the reward, that's energy you're not using to make the shot.
Martin
And you know what else? He's donating that truck to the Police Activities League!
Niles
I just want the kids to know it's about the play-offs, not the pay-offs.
Martin
Is this a great boy, or what? You sure I can't pay you for this beer?
Bartender
Hey, your money's no good here. "Half-Court" Crane's dad doesn't pay for drinks.
Frasier
Excuse me, Niles, but we have a concert to make.
Niles
Oh, I know, soon, soon. I can't leave the fellas hanging, Frasier. Ah, back to the tape. Now, that's about forty- five feet to that basket. You see, I used my whole body, form is everything. You've already made or missed the shot even before you release the ball. And of course, we all know the rest of the story.
Frasier
[can take no more] Yes, yes! The story is, "once upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket, The End!"
Niles
I don't deny there was some luck involved, but as we all know, luck is the residue of design.
Frasier
Oh, please! Somehow managing to hurl a ball forward is hardly design!
Niles
You're just jealous because I have game and you don't.
Frasier
Oh, please! So you think you have game?
Niles
I do, yea.
Frasier
Oh-
Bartender
[to Martin] Think they're gonna fight?
Martin
[wearily] I got news for you, they are fighting.
Frasier
We'll just see about that! Barkeep!
Martin
What are you doing?
Frasier
I am going to challenge Niles to a game of One-on-One on that contraption over there.
Martin
[alarmed] What do you want to do that for?!
Frasier
[to bartender] Twenty dollars of your cleanest quarters!
Martin
Well, whoa, what about your concert, you guys better get moving, tick-tock!
Niles
All right, Frasier, game on!
Martin
Oh wait, it's not worth it! Sports aren't everything!
Frasier
All right, hotshot, after you. [Niles takes the ball]
Bartender
Let's go, Half-Court! Put it up, baby! [the barflies cheer]
Niles
Thank-thank you, I appreciate the support, but I think I might throw better with fewer voices.
Niles
Well, obviously I'm accustomed to shooting from further back.
Frasier
Yes, and just once! Allow me.
Frasier
All right, your turn.
Niles
All right, I believe I'm warmed up now.
Niles
Wait, yeah, I hit the round part, and that's worth, uh, a half a point!
Martin
I think I could use another beer.
Bartender
That'll be $2.95.