DocuDrama

Frasier

And sadly, no one was able to answer today's psychological mind-teaser, so once again the prize goes unclaimed. By the way, today's answer was "anhedonia." Anhedonia. [chuckles] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying good day Seattle, and good mental health.

Kenny

[low whistle] That was a real brain-bender, Doc. You know, the idea is to let people win once in a while.

Frasier

Oh please, Kenny, I will not pander. When some lucky individual looks at his prize, I want him to be able to say, "I earned this."

Kenny

It's an antenna ball!

Frasier

Well...

Kenny

[as Roz comes in] Oh Roz, I got some good news! Your documentary is a go!

Roz

Oh, that's great! Thank you, Kenny! [hugs him]

Kenny

Congratulations!

Frasier

Roz, you're doing a documentary?

Roz

Yeah well, I've been wanting to do something on my own, so I thought I'd do a special on space - what with it being 2001 and all. We're gonna do the Cassini mission to Saturn, and telerobotics, that kind of stuff.

Kenny

[re: Frasier] You got a show, [re: Roz] you got a show — I don't know who to kiss up to anymore!

Roz

You don't have to kiss up to anyone.

Kenny

Ho-ho-ho! I wish I didn't.

Frasier

So Roz, you're a space nerd!

Roz

I wouldn't go that far. There is just something about rockets, though.

Frasier

Ah, indeed. [Orson Welles voice] Roz, sounds like your show could be a portal from which we can glimpse the promise of the future - a promise linked by a billion stars. God speed, Roz Doyle.

Roz

You wouldn't by any chance be hoping to narrate this, would you?

Frasier

[innocent] Me?

Roz

Well, actually I was gonna ask you, but I was afraid it might be kind of awkward, you working for me. I mean, you've been my boss for eight years. I just wasn't sure if you could handle it.

Frasier

Oh Roz, pooh! I welcome a little role reversal, I think it'll do our relationship a lot of good.

Roz

As long as you promise it won't be a problem.

Frasier

No, of course not. Gosh, you know, actually I'm kind of excited. You may not know this, but as a tyke I had my heart set on space flight. [sighs] Tragic, isn't it? How a child's dreams can be squashed by a single ride on a diabolically speedy Tilt-A-Whirl?

Martin

Ah, jeez!

Niles

Hey.

Martin

Hey Niles, just in time for chili! It's my best batch all week.

Niles

Do you ever miss vegetables?

Martin

[sitting back down] For your information, College, the bean is a vegetable. So what's new with Daphne? How are things at the Fat Farm?

Niles

It's a spa.

Martin

Oh, sorry. How are things at the Fat Spa? [eats a spoonful]

Niles

Fine, fine. She's doing very well. She's losing weight and gaining friends. Uh Dad, I had an idea about something you and I could do together, you know? Did you happen to read the Arts & Leisure section today?

Martin

The jumble? Did it, "A good man is hard to find."

Niles

Actually, I was thinking of something a little loftier.

Niles

[after a pause] Dad, do you remember when Frasier was in college, a little tradition you and I had every spring?

Martin

Oh, the kite festival?

Niles

Mmm-hmm.

Martin

I thought they didn't do that anymore.

Niles

They're bringing it back this year! I want us to enter, just like old times!

Martin

Oh, we made some good kites, didn't we?

Niles

Great kites! The "Blue Baron."

Martin

The "Screaming Meamie."

Niles

The "Shield of Perseus."

Martin

You came up with that one, didn't you?

Niles

Thank you. So, what do you say? You want to do it?

Martin

Oh-ho, I'd love to, Niles. But I can't fly kites anymore, not with my hip.

Niles

Let me be your hip. We'll build it together, and then I'll fly it. I'm old enough now!

Martin

What the hell? You know, I'm gonna go make some sketches. You know, I always wanted to try a dragon.

Niles

That's a great idea! We'll name it Fafnir, after Siegfried's fiery nemesis!

Martin

Maybe we'll just make a fish.

Roz

And before we get started on the script, I have a couple of production notes. Ed, can you get me forty more seconds of the Mir transmissions?

Ed

No problem.

Frasier

Hello everyone, I'm terribly sorry I'm late. Please, continue. Lead on, maestra.

Roz

OK. Kenny's only giving me a couple of hours to record, so we'll do the big chunks first and the third two's last. And if we have any time at the end of the session, we'll tape the promos - Frasier, what are you doing?

Frasier

I'm sorry, Roz, I-I was just looking for a little caffeine kick-start.

Roz

Can it wait until we have a break?

Frasier

Yes, of course it can. You're the maestra.

Roz

Can you please stop calling me that? [he makes an OK sign] Does everybody have a script?

Frasier

Right.

Ed

Got it.

B.K.

Got it.

Roz

Now, I think basically we're in good shape, but I felt like it dragged a little in the middle. Any thoughts?

Ed

I agree. Uh, maybe we should talk about the social aspects — the panic that spread through the schools because they weren't emphasizing space-

Roz

Oh, I like that! Good idea.

B.K.

What about the space program as a tool for the politicians?

Roz

Good angle! These are great ideas, guys, keep 'em coming.

Frasier

You know, I thought we might intercut between the Russian and American programs and build up the tension of the space race.

Roz

I don't think so.

Ed

What about that dog the Russians sent up?

Roz

I love that! People like dogs!

Frasier

How about those chimps?

Roz

I don't know. I mean, this isn't "Zoo in Space." So, uh, it looks like we're filled out in the middle here, so I think we're doing OK.

Roz

What, Frasier?

Frasier

Well, it's just a teeny thing, Roz. I was thinking that, seeing as how it is the jumping-off place for the future, that we might devote two segments to the International Space Station.

Roz

Thanks, but I've worked this out very specifically.

B.K.

You know, I was thinking we could combine the stuff about the manned and unmanned missions into one segment and spread out the space station.

Roz

Oh, I like that! Good idea, B.K.

Frasier

I just said that.

Roz

Well, I didn't hear you.

Frasier

Well, you must have heard me, Roz, because you said no!

Roz

Frasier, let's move on, shall we? OK, let's talk music.

B.K.

What if we lead off the program with the music from "2001: A Space Odyssey"?

Roz

Home run, B.K.!

Roz

What is it, Frasier?

Frasier

Well, it - not to belittle your suggestion, B.K., which I love — it's just that particular piece of music, uh, has been a bit, ah, I don't know, a bit... overused. And it occurs to me that perhaps an equally evocative, but less familiar piece of music might better serve. Thank you.

Ed

You mean something like "The Planets" by Holst?

Frasier

Exactly, it's a little less on the nose.

B.K.

What about Phillip Glass? You know, go completely minimalist.

Frasier

It's like space! Now we're cooking!

B.K.

Have you listened to Sun Ra? It's from the sixties.

Frasier

This is good!

Ed

For the American program, we can use American music, like Copeland.

Frasier

Better yet, Charles Ives! And then for the Russians, we can use-

April

Shostakovich!

Frasier

Let's do it!

Roz

FRASIER! Can I talk to you for a second?

Frasier

Well, yes, of course, Roz. You're the boss. Be back in five, everybody.

Frasier

Uh, listen Roz, let me give you just one little piece of advice. I find that when I'm in a leadership position, the best way to rally my staff-

Roz

What staff?! I'm your staff, and I've been listening to you for eight years, and I would like for you to listen to me for a change!

Frasier

And I support that-

Roz

Then SHUT UP!

Frasier

[sulky] Well... I'm not sure that's a very wise tone to take if you don't want to lose your narrator.

Roz

Is that a threat?

Frasier

Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.

Roz

Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.

Frasier

Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show."

Roz

Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.

Frasier

Well then, "the show" can BITE ME!

Frasier

I realize I've gone on here a bit, Fred, so let me try to boil this down for you: if you want to be a good leader, you've got to be able to admit when you're wrong. [turns a gimlet eye toward Roz] No one ever stood so tall as when he - or she - stooped to say, "I'm sorry."

Fred

[v.o.] What's that got to do with my fear of intimacy?

Frasier

Which brings to mind another phrase: "There is none so blind as he"-or she-"who will not see." We'll be right back after the news.

Roz

[through mike] Subtle, Frasier. But just so you know, I do not owe you an apology. You were trying to take over my show, and that's why I fired you.

Frasier

You did not fire me, I quit. But at this late date, Roz, you should be spared the burden of having to replace me. So, why don't we agree to put aside our egos and continue with the program?

Roz

I've already replaced you.

Frasier

Oh, Roz. You've gone with an "also-ran." Who is it?

Roz

John Glenn.

Frasier

The astronaut?

Roz

Yes.

Frasier

The senator?

Roz

Yes. The John Glenn, American hero.

Frasier

[only card left] So I take it there was nobody available with any previous radio experience.

Martin

Loosen up, son. [Niles does] That's the way. Relaxed, but firm. It's not a fight, it's a persuasion.

Niles

OK, Dad, I am ready. I want to take her to the park.

Martin

Oh, out of the question!

Niles

I have to practice in real-life conditions, I can't keep running up and down the halls!

Martin

No, it's too windy!

Niles

All right, well, uh, can I at least hang her off the balcony so we can see how she looks?

Martin

Niles, what kind of dope are you smoking? The updraft would pull you off your feet! You know, you've got a lot to learn. This isn't like driving a car, you know, it takes practice and concentration.

Martin

Hey, Fras. Did you get things all patched up with Roz?

Frasier

On the contrary, every time I offer her an olive branch, she snaps it in two, sets it on fire, and writes "NO" with the ashes! She had the temerity to call me overbearing! This time the wound is deep, my friends, bone deep!

Niles

Well, maybe-

Frasier

[pouring sherry] Oh yes, of course sometimes I am forceful with my opinions, but that is only because I'm passionate! And right! And passionate about being right! "Overbearing," as if!

Martin

Well, she probably wants to-

Frasier

It's insupportable, Dad! She went out and got John Glenn to replace me!

Niles

The astronaut?

Frasier

Yes, yes, the American hero!

Martin

John Glenn? He's perfect!

Frasier

Oh, moondust and starshine, Dad! Yes, [contemptuous] he's "been to space." But does he have the voice, the savvy, the radio charisma, hmm?!

Martin

Batten down the kite, Niles, it's really starting to blow hard in here.

Niles

Frasier, your issues notwithstanding, getting John Glenn is quite a coup for Roz.

Frasier

John Glenn is just a space-age Band-Aid, Niles, and Roz is using him to cover up this enormous authority issue she has with me, which she persists in denying!

Niles

Um-

Frasier

You're right, Niles, it's time for action! I have got to show her once and for all that I am not some meddler and she is only being paranoid! Now I'll be in my room, plotting some way to prove it!

Martin

All I know is that a couple of your clowns wired up the dish a month ago, and now I can't even see the news. Now I do a lot of TV-watching, and I don't want to have to take my business elsewhere, but I will!

Martin

[faking static noises into the phone] Can't hear you, sorry. [hangs up]

Frasier

Senator?

Glenn

Yes.

Frasier

I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Glenn

[shaking hands] Oh, glad to meet you.

Frasier

It's a pleasure to meet you. I was the previous narrator on the documentary.

Glenn

That's a fascinating story.

Frasier

Well, you've heard her side of the story, maybe someday you'll hear mine.

Glenn

Well, I was talking about space travel. It was good of you to step aside, though - you have a scheduling conflict?

Frasier

Yes, unfortunately. The Opera Guild's annual... football tournament. Well, I'm the quarterback. Anyway, uh, here, if you wouldn't mind indulging me-

Glenn

Sure.

Frasier

I have a few suggestions that I didn't have a chance to run by Roz. [takes out some notes] Um, here we are. Now this first one is about a Seattle man who took his two sons to the roof to see if they could spot Friendship-7 flying by.

Glenn

Was that you?

Frasier

It's very perceptive of you, sir, yes. That was me, my father, and my brother. I thought a story from the glory days of space might help to launch the show.

Glenn

You know, that sounds great. I'll bring that up to Roz.

Frasier

Oh, about that - it's probably best that Roz never know we had this conversation.

Glenn

Why not?

Frasier

Well, you see, any suggestion that came from me right now, Roz would be inclined to shoot down, and uh, she's still a little ticked off at me for dropping out.

Glenn

Well, you know, I don't like to go behind someone's back-

Frasier

Oh, we're not going behind anybody's back! Even if we were, it's only temporary! At any rate, it is for the good of the show.

Glenn

Well, OK. I'll look through these things and I'll probably bring them up.

Frasier

Oh, that's terrific. Thank you, sir. It was a pleasure to meet you. Take care. [starts to leave] Oh, Senator? Uh, what do you drink up there, Tang?

Glenn

[checks his watch] Two minutes and twenty seconds: a new record.

Roz

So let me get this cued up, and we'll be ready to go, OK?

Glenn

Sounds great.

Roz

Frasier, what are you doing here?

Frasier

Roz, I'm just observing. If you want me to go, I will, but you have to admit this is sort of a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Roz

Fine. But no talking.

Roz

[through mike] OK, Senator, we're rolling.

Glenn

OK. Roz, I have an idea if you're interested.

Roz

Sure.

Glenn

I heard the nicest story, about a Seattle man who took his two sons up on the roof of the house, to try and see my Mercury spacecraft come over.

Roz

I love that!

Glenn

Yeah, well, I thought you'd like that one. And then, if we could get some of the old mission broadcasts, maybe we could use those for background.

Roz

Definitely! You are full of great ideas!

Frasier

[no longer humble] No, I'M full of good ideas!

Roz

Frasier, what are you doing?!

Frasier

Roz, you just agreed to two of my suggestions, which proves your problem is with me and not with them!

Roz

[through the mike] I'm so sorry! [to Frasier] Frasier, get out!

Frasier

Roz, it's all right, the Senator and I are old friends! I took the liberty of running a few irresistible ideas by him so that I could prove my point and let you come clean!

Glenn

That's not what you told me. You used me!

Frasier

I'm sorry, Senator, but-but if I used you it was only as the swift and terrible sword of justice!

Roz

It's terrible, all right! And outrageous! [to Glenn] You said these were your ideas! Why'd you do it, Senator Glenn?

Glenn

I was misled, and-and I feel awful, and-and you know, it's not like me to be that underhanded.

Roz

Oh, it's all right. Frasier, get out of my booth! I am so sorry, Senator Glenn.

Glenn

Well, I'm the one that's sorry. It's my nature to be honest, and...

Frasier

[speaking over him] Now listen up, Roz, I'm gonna tell you what I did this for.

Glenn

Back in those glory days, I was very uncomfortable when they... asked us to say things that I didn't want to say, and deny other things...

Roz

I am so mad at you, Frasier!

Frasier

Oh yeah, well I'm mad too, so just bring it on!

Glenn

Some people ask, you know, "were you alone out there?" And we never gave the real answer, and yet we've seen things out there, strange things...

Roz

This is my project, and I asked you not to try to take control, and now you've gone behind my back and done just that!

Frasier

But Roz, you didn't even give me a fair shake!

Roz

Well, if I didn't, it was because I was trying to protect myself because you can be so BOSSY sometimes!

Glenn

But we know what we saw out there, and we couldn't really say anything, and the bosses were scared of this, they were afraid of "War of the Worlds" type-stuff, and about panic in the streets, and so we had to keep quiet, and now we only see these things in our - well, in our nightmares, or maybe in-in the movies, and some of them are pretty close to being the truth...

Frasier

All right, Roz, I'll admit that maybe I was being a little too assertive, all right? But the least you could do is admit that perhaps you were a bit defensive?

Roz

Well, maybe you're right. But it was because I was trying to prove that I could do this on my own - so I was shutting you out, I admit it, it was unfair, and I apologize.

Frasier

Accepted. Oh Roz, come on, our friendship is much more important to me than this documentary.

Roz

Oh, it is to me too, Frasier!

Glenn

Uh, look, about what I just said out there, could we just keep that between us?

Roz

Oh, of course, Senator.

Glenn

Good. Well... [notices] oh, wait! You were recording all that?

Roz

Well yeah, but that's OK, we've got plenty of tape.

Glenn

[stern] I'm gonna need that tape.

Roz

He's a little tightly wound.

Frasier

Looks like maybe somebody should cut back on the old Tang.

Roz

[laughing] That's a good one, Frasier.

Frasier

Thanks, Roz.

Roz

Whenever you're ready, Senator.

Glenn

[reading] "Since the dawn of time, man has gazed skyward and dreamed of reaching the stars..."