It Takes Two to Tangle
Aired 27th March 2001 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Wil Shriner
Roz
Hi, Niles. [She sits.]
Niles
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hey, how's Daphne?
Niles
Actually, I just got back from visiting her at the spa. It wasn't easy, but she's already lost nine pounds and twelve ounces.
Roz
Wow, good for her! It's all about willpower.
Roz
Oh, thanks.
Niles
Um, I'm going back to the spa this coming weekend, if you need a ride...
Roz
Oh, these aren't for me. Alice's school is having a picnic and I'm bringing the goodies.
Niles
[looking at her cleavage] Yes, I see. Just don't get them sunburned. [off her look] I'm sorry, it's just... aren't you a little overdressed for a picnic?
Roz
Well, there is this cute single dad named Greg. He's going through a divorce, his wife cheated on him. He's so nice, too. He deserves a woman he can trust. Do these look like I baked them?
Niles
Yes. Just as long as they don't taste like you baked them.
Roz
I gotta go.
Niles
All right.
Frasier
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
[to server] Can I get a latte to go, please?
Frasier
Well, Niles, it's official: our old high school is on the verge of bankruptcy.
Niles
Well, what happened to the fundraising committee?
Frasier
We disbanded it this morning.
Niles
I don't believe it. Bryce Academy gone. No more third floor library. No more science lab.
Frasier
Oh, gosh. I stole my first kiss in that science lab. Jill Solomon. She was pretty upset about it, but I was beaming all the way to the nurse's office.
Niles
No more nurse's office! I spent many a happy gym class there. Frasier, we can't let this happen.
Frasier
I don't see how we can prevent it, Niles. Believe me, there are no more alumni arms left to be twisted.
Niles
Well, maybe we're twisting the wrong arms. We know plenty of people who give to any cause that comes along.
Frasier
Perhaps you're right. Let's get some of that cash flowing Bryce's way!
Niles
Yes. Now, how soon do you think we can get some of our well- to-do friends together?
Frasier
No time to waste, Niles. How's Wednesday evening?
Niles
I can't, theater tickets. How 'bout Thursday?
Frasier
I've got an appointment at the spa.
Niles
Well, can you change it?
Frasier
Well, not willingly. It's with the good masseur, the blind one.
Niles
He's blind?! When they said he couldn't see clients, I thought he was just booked all week.
Niles
Now, we should probably talk strategy before the guests get here.
Frasier
Yes, all right. We don't want to pounce. Let's let them get settled in, have a few cocktails, and when they're sufficiently relaxed comfortable, we'll shear them like Delilah!
Niles
Our first guest.
Frasier
Let the fundraising begin!
Frasier
Hello, one and all. Please, come in, come in, please. Let me take your coat. Please, make yourself at home.
Guest
Frasier, the place looks wonderful.
Frasier
Thank you.
Guest
I love that painting!
Frasier
Really? Well, it's hardly as impressive as that portrait Hockney did of your wife.
Guest
You like it? Make me an offer.
Frasier
Excuse me?
Guest
Between you and me, I'm getting hammered by margin calls. Need a watch?
Frasier
Actually, that's not... [He breaks off and goes to greet the new guest.] Mertzie! Good to see you. How is everything?
2nd Guest
So the judge voided the pre-nup and if that's not enough on top of it, I'm paying half her lawyer's fee. These Russian gals look good on the internet, but...
Niles
How are things going on your side of the room?
Frasier
Not very well. It seems Marshall sank all his money in a new house. Sally sank all her money in a new boat. Which sank.
Frasier
Wait! Niles, at the door, isn't that...?
Niles
Oh, yes it is. Eleanor Lynch. I hear she got a huge settlement from the Mariners after that bat flew into the stands and...
Frasier
No, no, no, the woman next to her. Isn't that Penelope Janvier?
Niles
Of the Penelope Janvier Foundation? Yes, it is!
Frasier
Niles, this is amazing luck. She could write a check covering the whole amount without batting an eye!
Niles
Yes! Don't put it that way in front of Eleanor. Let's go talk to her.
Frasier
No, wait. We're only going to have one crack at this, we better make it a good one. Let's devise a little plan, come with me.
Niles
Oh, all right.
Penelope
Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?
Server
Oh, I just twisted my ankle.
Penelope
Well, sit down, I'll take this back to the kitchen for you.
Server
Oh, thank you.
Martin
Psst. Hey, sweetheart. I need some more Crunch 'n' Munch.
Penelope
Oh, I'm not...
Martin
I'm sorry. I'm sure your busy, but if my sons see me traipsing through their party, they'll think I'm gonna embarrass them in front of all their stuffed-shirt friends. [He takes a cracker from the tray she's holding.] You look familiar. You ever dance?
Frasier
Now, we've got to appear casual.
Niles
All right, all right. Should we start with a little small talk?
Frasier
Perhaps, perhaps. Yes. I remember an aphorism that's usually attributed to Santayana, but I have my own little version...
Niles
We've go to get out there right now!
Frasier
Just give me the chance to get the words right. "Money can not so enrich a man..."
Niles
She's talking to Dad!
Frasier
Let's get the hell out there!
Frasier
Dad, Dad, what happened with that woman just now?
Martin
Nothin'. She got a phone call and she had to leave. She said to say thanks.
Niles
Oh, come off it. You offended her somehow.
Frasier
What was it, Dad? A bawdy joke? Nose whistling?
Niles
Do you have any idea who that was?
Martin
Yeah, she said her name was Penelope John Veer or Jeen Veeair or somethin'...
Frasier
Janvier, Dad, Jean, JEAN! Oh, it doesn't matter.
Martin
Well it does to me. I wanna say her name right if we're havin' dinner tomorrow.
Frasier
You didn't ask her out, did you Dad?
Martin
No, she asked me out.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad, it's just that I'm a little shocked.
Martin
Actually, I think that's pronounced "Sorry, Dad, I'm a condescending jaque-ass."
Niles
Dad left to meet Penelope five hours ago. What could they be doing?
Frasier
I can think of one possibility.
Niles
You think...? On a first date?
Frasier
Niles, they went to a steak house. Penelope's paying. I'm sorry, but I don't think a forty-eight-ouncer is out of the question.
Frasier
You know, Niles, hard to believe but Penelope Janvier could actually become Dad's girlfriend.
Niles
Well, that's not so preposterous. Mom was as cultured and intelligent as they come, and he certainly made her happy.
Frasier
That he did. You know it might be good for Dad, too. [He takes a sherry from Niles.] Thank you.
Niles
Yeah. It certainly won't hurt our fundraising efforts. [raises his glass] For Bryce.
Frasier
For Bryce.
Niles
He's back! Is that a woman's voice?
Frasier
My God! She came home with him!
Frasier
Dad.
Niles
Dad, hey, how was your evening?
Martin
Ah, couldn't have gone better.
Frasier
Dad, am I mistaken, or did we just hear the sound of a woman's voice out here?
Martin
Yeah, she's in the powder room, but listen...
Frasier
The powder room! I haven't changed the hand towels for three days!
Frasier
Don't you cluck your tongue at me!
Martin
Uh, Estelle, I'd like you to meet my boys. This is Frasier and Niles.
Frasier
Hello.
Estelle
Nice to meet you guys.
Niles
Hello.
Estelle
Thanks for lettin' me use the john.
Martin
Oh, sure. See you tomorrow, okay?
Estelle
Great.
Estelle
Bye guys.
Frasier
Bye-bye.
Martin
I'm beat. Well, see you guys tomorrow.
Both
Dad?
Martin
Oh, all right, here's what happened. Penelope and I got along great, but after I dropped her off, I was still hungry. So I went to this little coffee shop near McGinty's for chili fries. Now, I know what you're wondering: doesn't McGinty's have chili fries? Yes, and they're very tasty, but…
Frasier
Who the hell is Estelle?!
Martin
She works in the coffee shop. We got to chattin' and the next thing you know, we're havin' a nightcap at McGinty's. Hey, when it rains, it pours.
Niles
Yes, Dad, but what about Penelope?
Martin
Oh, I'm seein' her Tuesday.
Niles
You just made a date with Estelle.
Martin
Not for Tuesday.
Niles
You're going to date both of them? Are you sure that's wise?
Martin
It's just dating. I met 'em both at the same time, I like 'em both. Where's the harm in it?
Niles
Well, don't you think that's a bit risky? What if one of them should find out?
Frasier
Penelope for example.
Niles
Yes, yes, you wouldn't want to alienate her permanently.
Martin
Oh, don't worry. I've watched you juggle. I got a pretty good handle on what not to do.
Roz
Oh, hi, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Roz. Off to another picnic, I see.
Roz
Yeah, Greg and I are really hitting it off. He loves my cooking.
Waiter
I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of lemon bars.
Roz
Well, make some more. And give me a dirty pan. I need to put it in my sink.
Waiter
I'm sorry, our baker doesn't come in 'til tomorrow. I can give you the recipe.
Roz
What am I supposed to do with that?
Waiter
Bake?
Roz
Is that supposed to be funny?
Frasier
Good lord, Niles, you won't believe this. Bryce trustees are already reviewing a proposal for the purchase of their land.
Niles
Dad just walked in. Let's drop another hint about meeting Penelope.
Frasier
The time for hints is passed, Niles. We've got to be direct.
Niles
Dad is not going to let us ask his girlfriend for money.
Frasier
I didn't say "honest," I said "direct." Try to keep up, for God's sake!
Martin
Hey, guys.
Frasier
Hi, Dad.
Niles
Dad, have a seat.
Frasier
So, wow! Is that espresso?
Martin
Yeah, a little pick-me-up in between dates. This juggling thing isn't as easy as I make it look. But don't you worry: they're both gettin' first class passage on the "S.S. Martin."
Niles
Oh, THAT'S where you get that from.
Martin
Oh, that's me.
Frasier
You got a cell phone?
Martin
Well, sure, I had to. You don't think I gave them both my home number, do you? Come on, Fras, that's amateur hour. See, I programmed the phone for different rings depending on who's calling, so that way I don't get caught off guard. Now, this is "William Tell", rhymes with "Estelle."
Martin
Hello? ... Oh, hi, Este... nelope!
Martin
Penelope, that's right! Her son's name's William. [into phone] Uh, yeah. Oh, sure, Tuesday sounds great! Pick me up at seven? Okay. See you then, Penelope.
Niles
Very smooth.
Frasier
Yes, yes. Dad, about Penelope, actually, we were wondering...
Martin
Now see, that's Estelle. [He answers.] Hello? Hey, Estelle, I had a feeling it might be you. Tuesday at seven? Sounds great.
Martin
Oh, hold on a sec. [to them] What?
Frasier
Didn't you just make a date for Tuesday at seven with Penelope?
Martin
That was Thursday, wasn't it?
Niles
No, no, we both heard Tuesday.
Martin
Oh, thanks. Boy, that coulda been ugly. [into phone] Estelle, sorry no, Thursday's out. It has to be Tuesday. [The boys gesture again.] No, wait, uh, no, Thursday. Thursday's what I meant. Yeah, okay. Talk to you later. Bye.
Martin
She's got it bad and that ain't good.
Frasier
Dad, listen, we were thinking it might be time that we meet Penelope. She sounds enchanting.
Niles
Yes, enchanting. How's tomorrow?
Martin
Oh, guys, I don't know. Meetin' the family, that's taking it up another notch. I'm not sure if I want to get that serious yet. Maybe in a few months, but right now I want to keep it simple.
Niles
Simple? As in "Estenelope"?
Martin
Hello... Who's that?
Frasier
Dad, for God's sake! Isn't there enough on your plate as it is?
Martin
What can I tell you, Daddy's got a big appetite!
Frasier
Dear God, what'll we do now?
Niles
I don't know. I guess we could have him neutered. Well, I suppose we could try to get to Penelope through her foundation.
Frasier
I already tried that, but there's a six-month waiting list just to see her.
Frasier
Good lord, Dad must have left his phone. Maybe I better run and tell him it's Penelope.
Frasier
You know, I'll never catch him.
Niles
No, he's long gone and would probably want you to take a message.
Frasier
Hello? No, this is his son, Frasier. Penelope Janvier? Oh, how nice to speak with you. A cocktail party, tomorrow night. He'll be there. In fact, I'll make sure of that, I'll be driving him myself. You see, my brother Niles and I will be with him all day. It's our once a year family day and we do just about everything together. What's that? Are you sure, really? Well, then yes, we'd love to come.
Frasier
My, Penelope certainly has good taste.
Niles
Well of course, she likes Dad, doesn't she?
Martin
Oh, can it. I'm still mad at you guys for inviting yourselves. Now, remember, be careful what you say in front of Penelope. I've got a delicate balancing act going here, so don't mess it up.
Penelope
Don't mess what up?
Martin
Oh, ah, uh, your lovely living room, my boys really like to rough-house.
Martin
Penelope, these are my sons, Niles and Frasier.
Frasier
Yes, hello, we spoke on the phone. It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Penelope
Thank you.
Frasier
Dad speaks about you all the time.
Niles
Yes.
Martin
Oh, uh, that's just my alarm, to remind me to... take my pills.
Penelope
Oh, well, let's get you a glass of water.
Martin
Oh, no, that's all right, I'd rather do it in private.
Niles
Yeah, he has trouble swallowing.
Frasier
A small epiglottis.
Niles
"Epiglottis." Haven't heard that word since biology class in high school.
Frasier
Oh, yes, high school. It's a pity about our old high school...
Penelope
Oh, William!
Penelope
Niles, Frasier, I'd like you to meet my son, William.
Frasier
Ah, hello.
William
[deadpan] Nice to meet you.
Penelope
These are Marty's boys.
William
[deadpan] Oh, hi. [to Penelope] Did I just hear Doctor Kallman asked you for fifty thousand dollars for a new CAT scan machine at the hospital?
Penelope
It is a worthy cause.
William
Yes, Mother, they all are. But it's inappropriate to hit you up for money at a party.
Penelope
Teddy was your father's closest friend.
William
Bourbon was my father's closest friend. I showed Ted out.
Penelope
William! He delivered you. Excuse me, I have to go get him.
Frasier
Yes, all right.
William
People look at my mother, all they see is dollar signs. Makes me sick. What are you guys doing here?
Frasier
Us? Oh, well, actually, your mother invited us here.
Niles
She did.
William
Uh-oh. Mother's been cornered by Father Patterson. Or should I say, "Father Sponge"?
Niles
Oh, my goodness. It's going to be hard pressing our case to Penelope with him around.
Frasier
Don't worry, Niles, we'll get a chance. We've got all night.
Niles
All right.
Martin
Don't get too comfortable, boys, we've gotta leave.
Frasier
What?
Martin
Well, it turns out I had a date with Estelle tonight, she's been waitin' half an hour. It's not like me to screw up like this.
Niles
Well, what about Penelope, Dad? You cannot just walk out on her party.
Martin
Hey, Estelle took the evening off special just to be with me, you know, and she's pretty steamed. Rules of the game: angriest woman wins.
Frasier
Oh, good lord.
Martin
Ah, geez! Grab your coats.
Penelope
Frasier? Where's your father off to?
Frasier
He, he had to take more pills.
Penelope
My goodness, I had no idea he was on so much medication. Are you concerned?
Frasier
Well, not really, no. He'll be fine. I just wish I could same the same for our old high school.
William
What are you three taking about?
Niles
Umm, William, there you are. Excuse us. [Niles takes his arm and leads him away.] I just wanted to alert you to a possible situation. I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wanted your mother to produce.
William
Okay, which one?
Niles
I think it was something by Chekhov.
Frasier
The long and the short of it, Ms. Janvier, is, is that my alma mater, Bryce Academy, is in dire straights. The coffers are bare, and our only hope is to find a savior. Forgive me for being presumptuous, but I was hoping it might be you.
Penelope
Actually, I'm familiar with Bryce.
Frasier
Oh, well then you must also be familiar with their excellent standards.
Penelope
Yes, I am. They wouldn't let in William.
Frasier
Well, with your endowment, I'm sure he'd be a shoe-in. I, I'm sorry, Ms. Jean Vie, please, we are desperate.
Penelope
Ordinarily, I wouldn't even consider this, but... I'm very fond of your father. Call the foundation tomorrow with the details and we'll issue you a check.
Frasier
Thank you, thank you. That's very kind of you, thank you so much.
Penelope
It's my pleasure. I'd do anything for your father. He's a rarity: he's an old-fashioned gentleman.
Martin
Well, I gotta go.
Penelope
Marty, what's wrong?
Martin
Oh, I'm feelin' a little under the weather.
Penelope
Oh, well then maybe you ought to see my doctor. He's here at the party.
Martin
No, I don't need a doctor.
Penelope
Those were my husband's last words. Don't move.
Martin
All right, if you insist.
Martin
Pull the car around, I'm goin' out through the kitchen.
Frasier
Dad! Dad! For God's sake, you can't leave now! Penelope will get suspicious!
Martin
Estelle's already suspicious. Besides, I've decided to break it off with Penelope.
Frasier
What?!
Martin
Well, hearing Estelle just now, how upset she was on the phone, it made me realize how much I cared about her.
Frasier
All right, listen Dad. Bryce Academy is going bankrupt. Penelope is going to write a check tomorrow to save it. So until then, I need you to pretend that you're still interested in her.
Martin
I can't believe this! You and your brother have been using me!
Penelope
Martin? This is Doctor Kallman.
Martin
Oh, well, it's nice to meet you, but I'm feeling a lot better now, thanks.
Penelope
If I let you leave without knowing if you're sick, I'll worry all night.
Frasier
And you wouldn't want that, now would you, Dad? Here we are.
Martin
All right, all right.
Frasier
Doctor, be thorough.
Martin
But the pants stay on!
Frasier
Ms. Janvier, I realize that I've been a little pushy...
Penelope
Oh, not pushy, just assertive. I like that.
Frasier
Oh, well, then be prepared to love me, because I need that check right now.
William
Was it this one, Deviled Egg Guy?
Niles
Uh, you know I'm not sure. He and Chicken Sate Guy look so much alike.
William
All right, listen up: Which one of you snack jockeys is trying to get a play produced?
Frasier
Ah, Ms. Janvier. Thank you again, so much. Just make it out to "Bryce Academy."
Penelope
Do you have a pen?
Frasier
Oh, yes, when you sign as many autographs as I do, you always have to have your... oh, good lord, I'm...
Penelope
Never mind. [calling out] William, I need a pen.
William
What for?
Penelope
I'm writing a check.
William
Oh, that's it. Look, we're going down to the "special" room, and we're going to talk about this.
William
Mother, I...
William
Mother, I forbid you to write another check.
Penelope
Oh, just give me a pen.
William
I don't have one.
William
Mother...
Frasier
Oh, lord.
William
...this could be an elaborate scheme to bilk us. You don't even know who these guys are.
Frasier
We're Marty's boys.
Penelope
And I trust Martin.
Penelope
Oh, that's Martin's alarm.
Frasier
Just ignore that.
Penelope
This is a phone!
Niles
Here, I'll take it.
Penelope
Hello? This is Penelope, who is this? Estelle, Martin's girlfriend?
Penelope
May I take a message?
Martin
Pill time! Time for more pills.
Penelope
I'll tell him. [She closes the phone.] Estelle says don't bother coming over tonight. Oh, Marty, how could you?
Martin
I'm sorry. I was gonna tell you, but... I guess this means breakfast Tuesday is off?
Penelope
That's right. And it was Thursday!
Penelope
I don't need this pen anymore.
Frasier
Ms. Janvier, please. I don't blame you for being angry, but if you believe in the hope of tomorrow and a brighter future, then please, please don't punish the children of Bryce Academy for our misdeeds.
William
Oh, boo-hoo.
William
Mother!
Penelope
That's enough, William. I made a promise to these men, and I'm a woman of my word.
Frasier
Thank you. Thank you so much!
Niles
You're more gracious than we deserve.
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
Well done, Frasier!
Frasier
Oh, Niles, I can't wait to see the expression on the headmaster's face when he sees this check for... [he looks at it] ...fifty dollars.
Niles
What?!
Frasier
Uh, well, I, I guess it's fifty dollars more than we had before.
Martin
Well, let's go fellas, grab my coat, will ya?
Frasier
Right, Dad.