Forgotten But Not Gone
Aired 17th April 2001 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Niles
Thank you, thank you, Brother Reynolds, for your inaugural ode, and may I congratulate you on your ingenuity in rhyming "Sauvignon" with "tie one on."
Reynolds
[with a sycophantic salute] Sir.
Niles
And now, as outgoing Corkmaster it is my privilege [takes ribbon off] to bestow the sash of office upon the newly- elected Corkmaster... which would be me! [puts ribbon back on, to applause] Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. It humbles me, and I only hope to live up to the shining example of my predecessor. [laughter] And of course the example of my opponent, the other brother Crane, who so graciously conceded after that fourth recount. Is he - is he here? I guess he's not. Well, I'm sure he's with us in spirit. Uh, if you'll indulge me, I've cobbled together a few remarks to express what this moment means to me-
Frasier
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm terribly sorry I'm late! Oh, it's just coming down in buckets out there!
Niles
Hello, Frasier. [resumes] Just as the cork protects the wine, as Corkmaster I hope to protect the wine club from the forces of metaphorical oxidation-
Frasier
Oh lord, Niles, are you in the middle of your inauguration speech? I'm so sorry.
Niles
That's all right, that's all right.
Frasier
It's just that I have an announcement of my own to make.
Niles
Yes well, uh, new business is concluded, Brother Crane.
Frasier
I move that we re-open new business.
Reynolds
Second.
Niles
Denied. [bangs gavel]
Frasier
Point of order: once a motion has been seconded, there must be a vote.
Niles
Oh, all right, just tell us your new business.
Frasier
To override procedure, there must be a quorum.
Niles
Very well. Move for a vote?
Reynolds
Second.
Niles
All in favor?
Members
Aye!
Niles
Motion carried. [bangs gavel] Secretary, make a note.
Reynolds
Noted, Corkmaster.
Niles
Thank you so much. [to Frasier] Proceed.
Endicott
[a member, to himself] I remember when we used to come here to drink.
Frasier
Corkmaster, members of the wine cabinet, esteemed brothers and sisters, I come here tonight with a heavy heart. You see, I am resigning from the wine club.
Niles
Frasier, this wouldn't have anything to do with my winning the election, would it?
Frasier
No, no, of course not, Niles, I couldn't be happier for you. You see, I've been afforded a marvelous opportunity to pass on what I've learned here to a much larger audience. Starting next week I will be hosting a new feature on KACL, called "the Wine Corner," just at the end of Gil Chesterton's "Restaurant Beat." [applause] Thank you, thank you.
Reynolds
Can't you do both?
Frasier
Oh well, no, regrettably no. You see, like this Camembert, I am at my most delicious when I'm not spread too thin. But this isn't goodbye by any stretch of the imagination. Please, I invite each and every one of you to call into my show, so that you can help me get Seattle hooked on our sometimes whimsical, always enlightened brand of discussion. But, I've taken enough time away from Niles. After all, this is his night. He has been elected Corkmaster of this fine club.
Niles
Thank you, Frasier. For a moment I thought you were settling in for a long farewell speech.
Reynolds
Second.
Frasier
All in favor?
Members
Aye!
Frasier
Well, if you insist! [takes podium] It was a short seven years ago, on a night very much like this one, a man had a dream...
Frasier
All right, Roz, now this is a very different kind of show we're going to be doing, so are you clear on the procedure?
Roz
What's so hard? You talk for a while, I screen calls, you answer them, I look interested — oh, I see the hard part.
Frasier
Oh, ha-ha, very funny. All right, now listen, this is a list of the members of the wine club. [hands it to her] If any of these names should happen to call, put them through immediately, and then fasten your seat belt for an all-out, free-wheeling symposium!
Kenny
Hey, there's my Renaissance man!
Frasier
Ah, Kenny!
Kenny
If he can't solve their problems with therapy, solve 'em with drinking!
Frasier
Yes well, let's just keep that out of the ads, shall we?
Kenny
Heh-heh, too late!
Frasier
Kenny!
Gil
And finally, no review of Le Petite Oiseau would be complete without a word about their décor: hideous! I'll be back after these messages.
Lance
[singsong] And we're out!
Kenny
Hi, Lance. This is Frasier, and this is Roz. She'll be producing the rest of the show.
Roz
Hi. [extends her hand]
Lance
Oh, my! [ignores it] Isn't that interesting?
Roz
Yes well, Frasier wants me to produce his segment of the show. We have to get the levels just right to accommodate the timbre of his voice.
Lance
Oh, my, my, my, isn't she the fusspot!
Frasier
Actually, it was my idea.
Lance
That's who I was talking about!
Frasier
Listen, Gil, I-I hope you don't mind my doing this segment.
Gil
Oh, perish the thought! I'm ecstatic - as ecstatic as you would be if someone hijacked the last fifteen minutes of your show.
Roz
Hey Gil, what is the deal with Lance?
Gil
Oh, smitten already, are we, Roz? Well, he's certainly catnip to the ladies.
Roz
No, that would- [confused] Really?
Gil
Well, that's what he claims. Of course, I've never actually seen him with a woman. Well, just between us I've always thought he went the other way.
Roz
[more confused] Which way would that be?
Lance
And we're back!
Gil
[into mike] Normally at this time I'd be doing my segment on food for the calorie-conscious, "All Things Light and Edible." But apparently health is going to take a backseat to the random musings of a radio psychiatrist on wine. So without further ado, I give you "The Wine Corner," with your host, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Thank you, Gil, for that gracious introduction. And hello, Seattle! Welcome to "The Wine Corner." I hope you're as excited about this new program as I am. I offer myself as sherpa — a guide, if you will, to lead you through the labyrinth of vintages and wine lists, chateaus and bodegas, and take you hopefully to a whole new level of sophistication...
Frasier
In summary, Linda, the year listed on the bottle is not an expiration date. So that wine from 1997 should be perfectly safe to drink. [disconnects] Who else, Roz?
Roz
We have ten seconds, Frasier.
Frasier
In that case, this is Frasier Crane, reminding you that a great wine is like a great woman: always intoxicating, ever-surprising, and only getting better with age.
Roz
Aww, do you really believe that?
Frasier
Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago. You're sure no one from the wine club called?
Roz
I'm positive. Don't feel bad, you got a lot of other callers.
Frasier
It's just that I was hoping to provoke the same kind of spirited debates we have at the wine club! No holds barred free-for-alls! Sometimes go into the wee hours of the night and even spill out into the streets. [mournful] Oh, Roz, we loved wine then.
Gil
Huzzah, Frasier! I'm sure everyone who was listening is hitting the bottle as we speak. Well, Lance and I are going for a boys' night out.
Lance
[with a twirly hand motion] Lock up your daughters!
Frasier
Dad, tell me if you think this is too subtle for my listening audience. [Martin puts his paper down] "This delightful offering is infused with the brooding, almost dangerous, presence of vanilla."
Martin
No, it's not too subtle. Unless you want them to know what the hell you're talking about.
Frasier
Well, you don't think it's clear that I enjoyed the wine?
Martin
I don't it's clear you're talking about wine.
Frasier
Oh lord, that'll be the new therapist.
Martin
Oh, lucky me.
Frasier
Oh now, behave yourself, Dad. It's only until Daphne comes back. And besides, you have no idea how difficult it is to find a therapist who can also cook. Her name is Frederika.
Martin
Oh, sounds German. You know what that means — she was probably kicked off the shotput team for using steroids.
Frasier
Now Dad, the Germans never threw anybody off the team for that.
Frasier
Ah, hello.
Frederika
Hi, I'm Frederika.
Frasier
Won't you come in? [she does] Here, let me take your bag. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my father, Martin. Here, let me take your coat. [he does]
Frederika
Pleasure to meet you.
Frasier
Listen, my father's been, well, letting his exercises slide a bit.
Frederika
Oh well, that's human nature, Dr. Crane. People neglect their exercising for many reasons — holidays, travel, illness, lack of time, death... and there's only one of those excuses that I accept: it's holidays! [laughs] Oh, it's just your leg I'm pulling!
Martin
[laughs] Oh, well, good one. You know, I was worried that you were going to be one of those drill-sergeant types.
Frederika
You'll show me your exercise mat.
Martin
That's my other leg you're pulling, huh?
Frederika
Now!
Frasier
Ah, yes... [sips, swishes, and sucks again; typing] "But discernible only to the educated palate is the hint of violets that lingers like a haunting refrain..."
Frederika
Shame on you, Dr. Crane! You really should have kept him at his exercises.
Frasier
Is he all right?
Frederika
No, indeed! He is shamefully out of shape!
Frasier
But I meant-
Frederika
But don't worry. I got here just in time. I'll shape him up, or know the reason why!
Frasier
Hello? Oh yes, thank you for returning my call, Brother Peabody. Yes well, I'm just wondering, how come none of the members have been calling my wine show? [shocked] No! Well, just because Niles is Corkmaster, it doesn't mean he has the right to dictate whom you may and may not call! Good lord, the man is my own brother! How can someone turn his back on his own flesh and blood- [Martin screams even louder] Someone on the phone here!
Members
Aye!
Niles
It is so resolved, [bangs gavel] any other business?
Niles
Ah, former Brother Crane, what are you doing here?
Frasier
You know very well. How dare you instruct the members not to call in to my radio show?
Niles
[indignant] I simply directed their attention to Law 10-C, which states that the club "shall not, through contract or deed, endorse-"
Frasier
[with him] "Any commercial endeavor," yes, yes, Niles, you can hide behind some flimsy bylaw if you wish to for as long as you like, but we both know the subtext behind this pretext: vindictiveness!
Niles
Oh!
Frasier
In light of this abuse of power, I move that the Corkmaster be stripped of his title! [gasps from the members] And that some more well-deserving member be named in his stead!
Niles
Oh, the motion fails for lack of a second.
Reynolds
Second.
Niles
Stop that! Motion denied. [bangs gavel]
Frasier
Point of order: a motion cannot be denied that has been seconded!
Niles
Yes well, the chair doesn't recognize motions from former members, ergo there can be no second to a motion that doesn't exist!
Endicott
I move whatever it takes to get us to the bar!
Reynolds
Second that.
Niles
All right, the chair declares a state of emergency and a five-second recess. [bangs gavel] Frasier, I want you out of here. It's bad enough you upstaged me the other night.
Frasier
I did no such thing.
Niles
Oh, no, you could have picked any time to announce your resignation, but you chose my inauguration to do it!
Frasier
For God's sakes, Niles, will you listen to yourself! This is just a wine club!
Niles
"Just a wine club?" That's not the platform you campaigned on two years in a row! Look, you can say anything you want now, you know how important this place is to me.
Frasier
Yes, and you know how important my radio show is to me.
Niles
Oh well, I guess then we're even.
Frasier
So you admit it. You have dishonored this club with your selfishness!
Niles
Yes well, at least I'm still in the club! You are a trespasser! Sergeant-at-Arms!
Hepplewhite
We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Frasier
[sarcastic] All right, call off your henchmen.
Niles
Thank you, stand down, Brother Hepplewhite.
Frasier
I'm just trying to save you from yourself, Niles.
Niles
I see, well, goodbye, former Brother.
Frasier
You took the words right out of my mouth!
Frasier
Hi, Dad.
Martin
Hey.
Frasier
Anything good on TV tonight?
Martin
I don't know, why?
Frasier
Oh, got the night free. Thought we might hang out together.
Martin
Oh... that's nice.
Frasier
Yeah, I usually have wine club on Wednesday nights.
Martin
Oh.
Frasier
What do you usually do Wednesday nights?
Martin
Oh, just sit back, enjoy the silence.
Frasier
Sounds good.
Frasier
[checks his watch] Seven-thirty... wonder what they're doing at the wine club right now.
Martin
Oh, jeez. Are you gonna do this all night?
Frasier
No, no, Dad, you're right, I-I'm sorry. It's just that I hate to see a once-proud institution making so many foolish mistakes.
Martin
Well, if it makes you feel any better, the club'll probably fail without you. It'll be no fun. All the members'll resign. This time next month, they'll probably have torn the building down.
Frasier
I never know when you're being facetious.
Martin
Yeah, you do.
Frasier
All right, all right, let's talk about something else. How's your physical therapy?
Martin
Oh, it was the most painful afternoon of my life. She did things to me. Bad things.
Frasier
Well Dad, I suppose we could look for another therapist-
Martin
Whup, hold on a second! Here, [takes a forkful of food from his plate] try this.
Frasier
My God, that sauerbrauten is ambrosial!
Martin
Oh, and wait 'til you wash it down with her papa's homemade lager! [takes a drink of beer]
Frederika
How is everything?
Frasier
Oh gosh, Frederika, I've never tasted anything so divine!
Frederika
Oh, ja, you see, Dr. Crane, I don't believe that fitness depends on starving yourself. The secret is exercise, hard work, then good food and lots of it when you've earned it.
Frasier
Oh well, this is fabulous food-
Frederika
You haven't earned it!
Frederika
That's just my way of having fun! Of course you're welcome, I'll get another plate.
Frasier
Thank you.
Martin
We ought to get Niles over here, you know? He'd love this stuff!
Frasier
Niles — Dad, I told you Niles is no longer welcome in this house. [Frederika brings him a plate] Thank you, Frederika.
Martin
Oh son, why don't you just ask your brother to take you back?
Frasier
I did. I called him and I apologized. He would hear none of it. All he did was keep quoting rules and bylaws.
Martin
It's just like when you were kids with that fort! You were always making up these big fancy rules and titles for yourself that always ended up in a fight! I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now.
Frasier
All right, Dad, then we just won't talk about it. Besides, I'm through with wine club.
Martin
Good! Why don't we just enjoy our Wednesday?
Frasier
Second! [to himself] All in favor... aye... motion carried. [off Martin's look] I'm done now.
Niles
Mmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm. I'm getting oak with plummy overtones.
Endicott
I'm getting screwed on alimony.
Martin
Niles, I want to talk to you.
Niles
Dad! What happened, is there something wrong?
Martin
You're damn right there is, it's about you and Frasier! [notices] Good God, you wear a sash?!
Niles
Frasier sent you down here, didn't he?
Frasier
[o.s. from above] No!
Martin
Frasier, get in here now!
Frasier
Dad, this isn't necessary.
Niles
Yeah, we-we can talk about this some other time.
Martin
Zip it up, both of you! I just gave up the best meal of my life to come down here, so listen up. Niles, let your brother play.
Niles
Dad, this is not a game, this is a club, and Frasier broke the rules!
Frasier
Technically, I-
Martin
[silences him] Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.
Frasier
First, I want an apology-
Martin
I said zip it!
Niles
He did, I heard him!
Martin
Don't get smart! Now, are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles
Dad-
Martin
Are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles
Why-
Martin
Are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles
I-
Martin
Are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles
Fine.
Martin
Am I gonna have any more trouble between you two?
Frasier/Niles
[humble] No.
Martin
No, what?
Frasier/Niles
No, sir.
Martin
Good. Now shake hands. [they do] That's more like it. Now if you don't mind, I've got a big plate of Gew�rzpl�tzchen waiting for me at home with my name on it.
Niles
Uh, well, [chuckles] let's get back to the wine, shall we?
Reynolds
You got yelled at by your dad.
Niles
Well, be that as it may-
Endicott
Zip it!
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Hello, Frasier. I thought we could drive over to wine club together.
Frasier
Actually, I'm thinking about not going.
Niles
Why not?
Frasier
Niles, truth be told, my enthusiasm for the wine club has started to turn.
Niles
I know what you mean! It used to be the wine club. Now it's just the teasing people club.
Frasier
Then let's not go.
Niles
Well, they'll put our names in the Absent bottle, we'll have to bring the crackers next time.
Frasier
What if there's no next time?
Niles
What do you mean?
Frasier
Niles, those people don't care about wine.
Niles
Not the way you and I do, no!
Frasier
So what's preventing us from starting a whole new club from scratch?
Niles
We could really get back to basics!
Frasier
Something that's just about wine! And a clear constitutional procedure for enjoying it!
Niles
Yes, only maybe this time the governing body could be bicameral!
Frasier
Well, I don't know, Niles, there is something to be said for the parliamentary system!
Niles
Well, either way we have to have a strong judiciary to keep it in check.
Frasier
God, I love wine.