Daphne Returns

Frasier

Hello Roz. [she doesn't respond] I said hello, Roz.

Roz

[looks up] Oh, sorry.

Frasier

Oh, don't be. I didn't mean to interrupt your reading.

Roz

Actually, I'm doing a little research. I have a meeting with a publisher tomorrow. I'm thinking of writing my own children's book.

Frasier

Really?

Roz

Yeah, it's a story my mom made up for me when I was a little kid. I tell it to Alice all the time now, and I thought it would be such a kick if I could get it published.

Frasier

Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I when we were boys wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a "Hardy Boys" or a "Nancy Drew"...

Roz

"The Nancy Boys"?

Frasier

No. It was called "The Crane Boys Mysteries." We were two plucky lads who used their keen psychological insights to solve crimes brought home by their detective father.

Roz

How many of these did you write?

Frasier

Thirty-four. Let's see, there was "The Mystery of the One-Eared Monkey", "On Your Mark, Get Set, Die!"...

Frasier

And there was the one where our father was kidnapped and the only clue was a dented Ballantine can.

Niles

"The Suspicious Six Pack"!

Frasier

Excellent! Niles, pull up a chair.

Niles

All right, I will. I can't stay long, though. [to waitress] Latte, to go, please. [He sits.] I'm on the way to the spa to pick up Daphne.

Roz

Oh, that reminds me. What time should I be at the apartment tonight?

Niles

Well, let's see. It's an hour's trip to the spa, and there's a two hour graduation ceremony at the end of which they all throw their fat pants into the air... let's say seven o'clock.

Roz

Okay, great. I'll see you there.

Frasier

Bye, Roz.

Niles

Speaking of Daphne, I was hoping you could spare her this Friday. I'm planning on taking her for a weekend getaway, where I think we may be taking our relationship to the next level.

Frasier

Oh, my God, Niles! You're going to propose?

Niles

No, not that level, the level before that.

Frasier

You're going to ask her to move in with you?

Niles

One more level before that.

Frasier

Well, you're already dating...

Niles

No, that's two levels.

Frasier

Oh, for heaven's sake, just tell me!

Niles

Well, you know. We're going to... consummate our relationship.

Frasier

What? Well, uh... Gosh, it's none of my business, I just thought you'd already reached that level.

Niles

What made you think that?

Frasier

Oh, I don't know. I guess everybody just assumed...

Niles

Who's everybody?

Frasier

Nobody. But Niles, you have been on overnight trips together, haven't you?

Niles

Yes. But they were all perfectly chaste. Daphne wanted to wait until the time was right. And well, we've both just been missing each other these past few weeks, I think the time is upon us.

Frasier

Oh, I'm so happy for you, Niles.

Niles

Thank you.

Frasier

Gosh, nobody's gonna believe you two haven't slept together.

Niles

Who's nobody?

Frasier

Nobody.

Daphne

I love you, Niles.

Niles

I love you too. Oh, hey, I got you something.

Daphne

Oh, Niles. It's lovely. But I already have a dress like this.

Niles

I know. That's it. THAT'S the dress you wore five years ago when we danced the tango.

Daphne

I don't understand.

Niles

It's for this weekend. Only this time, instead of ending in heartache, the evening can end...in triumph.

Daphne

That's very romantic, but I'm not sure I can fit into it. Not yet, anyway.

Niles

Oh, nonsense. You're as svelte as you ever were.

Daphne

You're sweet. And it was cute when I came out of the spa and you pretended you couldn't see me.

Niles

Who said that? Who's in my car?

Niles

Well, you worked so hard, you stuck with it. I'm proud of you.

Daphne

Actually, I'm proud of myself. The staff therapist even complimented me on me willpower.

Niles

Oh, so you did see a therapist?

Daphne

It's all part of the program, to help you find the cause of your overeating.

Niles

Uh-hmm. Well, if you ask me, it's a classic case of sublimation, using substituting food for sex. I recommend you see a certain doctor, I know very well. He can help you.

Daphne

That's not what Gloria thinks.

Niles

Gloria?

Daphne

The therapist.

Niles

Oh. My patients call me "Dr. Crane", but whatever... So, what does Gloria think?

Daphne

She thinks I may have gained the weight as a way to create distance between us.

Niles

Oh, and why would you want to do that?

Daphne

Well, when you and I first came together, we agreed to wait a while before bringing the relationship into the bedroom. Then as time went on, you told me all these stories of how you pined for me for seven years. How I'd been your unattainable dream. How could anyone live up to that? Gloria thinks I was terrified of letting you down, of not being perfect, so I ate. And ate. And, apparently, ate.

Niles

Daphne, you couldn't possibly let me down. And as for the weight, that didn't matter. I never noticed.

Daphne

That's another thing, I gained sixty pounds. Don't you think it's strange you couldn't see it?

Niles

No, it's not strange! I love you.

Daphne

I love you too. You know what Gloria says?

Niles

[tense] No.

Daphne

She says you couldn't see the extra weight because you were seeing the perfect me you've carried in your head for seven years. She calls it "looking through love goggles".

Niles

All righty, let's get her on the phone, shall we?

Daphne

Niles, don't. I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just telling you what we discussed in therapy.

Niles

I understand, I understand.

Daphne

And I know how much you've been looking forward to this weekend, but I sort this out, I may need a little more time before I...

Niles

Say no more. We can easily postpone the weekend. Of course, if my theory is correct, and you ARE eating as a substitute for sex, then you're taking a terrible risk.

Daphne

I love you, Niles.

Niles

I love you too.

Martin

Roz, you know, if you really want to do a kid's book, you oughta write one about Eddie. I'd buy one about Eddie.

Roz

Thanks, but I already have an idea. Besides, if I were gonna use a dog, I'd probably use about my own.

Martin

Well, you wanna make your dog happy, or do you wanna sell books? Now I was thinkin': Eddie joins the circus and he has all this clown makeup on and everything and juggles and stuff. And then you could do one where he invents this flying machine and has all these wacky adventures.

Roz

That's kinda cute. He could join a flock of geese or he could become the world's first dog traffic reporter.

Martin

Eddie would never do that. You really don't get Eddie, do you?

Martin

Hey, look who's home!

Martin

Hey!

Daphne

Is this all for me?

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, God we missed you.

Roz

You look great, Daphne!

Martin

Great? You look fantastic. I don't know what they did to you there, but what a difference!

Daphne

Yes. I was getting pretty big, wasn't I?

Martin

Big? You were gi-normous.

Frasier

Dad.

Martin

I was just tellin' her how big she was.

Daphne

Oh, come here old man.

Frasier

You really do look lovely, Daphne.

Daphne

Oh, thank you Dr. Crane. But I still have to be careful what I eat.

Frasier

Yes, yes, of course. And to that end, actually, I have a little surprise for you in the fridge.

Daphne

Oh, you didn't have to do that. It's not some of those low cal dinners, is it?

Frasier

Just go look.

Daphne

That's hysterical.

Frasier

It's called the "Refrigerator Pig". It's this little plastic pig, he's got a recording in its belly, every time you open the refrigerator door, you'll hear his scolding squeal.

Roz

So Daphne, tell us about the spa.

Daphne

Well, it was lots of hard work. We had hikes every morning and sessions with a personal trainer.

Niles

And a wonderful therapist. [to Frasier] You're going to love this.

Daphne

Yes, there was a professional therapist on staff.

Niles

Named "Gloria."

Daphne

Who helped me dig down to the root of my problems.

Niles

Gloria's very handy with a shovel.

Martin

Well, she must have been very good. I mean, obviously, look at you.

Daphne

Yes. Gloria's very empathetic, because she had a similar weight problem. Only she didn't have anyone to help her deal with it. She had to battle it herself for years.

Niles

She didn't have a boyfriend she could blame?

Daphne

Is there something you want to say to me?

Niles

No.

Frasier

Well I've got something to say. I would like to propose a toast.

Daphne

I was very lucky to have someone like Gloria at the spa.

Niles

Yes, usually you have to go all the way to a hair salon for that kind of insight.

Frasier

Well, Daphne, the important thing is that you're feeling better and that your back home, where you belong.

Daphne

I better make mine water. Champagne is pure sugar, you know.

Frasier

Niles, what the hell is wrong with you?

Niles

Oh, Frasier, you would not believe the hack psychobabble this woman has filled Daphne's head with.

Martin

Well still, that's no reason to be acting like an ass. So you just shape up and treat Daphne with respect!

Daphne

Apparently that pig of yours can dish it out but he can't take it. So, how 'bout that toast?

Roz

Oh, good idea.

Frasier

Right. To Daphne, your warmth and spirit have helped make this place a home. Your influence can be seen in a thousand different ways.

Niles

Unless, of course, one's wearing his love goggles.

Daphne

That's it. Niles, I think you should go.

Niles

What?

Daphne

I want you to leave. Right now.

Martin

Nice call on the "Refrigerator Pig".

Patient

So, you don't think I have a germ phobia?

Niles

Not at all, just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. [Niles hands him a card.] Ah, here's the number of the man who cleans my telephone. The best in Seattle.

Niles

Oh, don't touch. There you go.

Niles

Frasier. What are you doing here?

Frasier

Oh, I just wanted to see how you're doing after last night. Daphne caught me up on what's been going on.

Niles

Wonderful. So she's talking to every therapist under the sun but me.

Frasier

She said she tried to talk to you.

Niles

No. She tried to blame me. According to her puppet master Gloria, Daphne overate because she was afraid that she couldn't live up to my image of her.

Frasier

Well, there may be something to that. She does have seven years of fantasy to live up to.

Niles

What fantasy? I have a very realistic picture of Daphne. I love her for who she is, I have since the very beginning.

Frasier

All right. When exactly was "the very beginning" for the two of you, anyway?

Niles

Well, don't you remember? You introduced us.

Frasier

Daphne? This is my brother Niles.

Niles

You're Daphne?

Daphne

Why, yes I am!

Niles

When Frasier told me he hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?

Daphne

Right again. It's very nice to meet you.

Frasier

Look at you, Niles. The woman's a stranger to you and yet you're ready to hand her your heart.

Niles

Well, I may have been a tad smitten. What's your point?

Frasier

My point is... Niles, pay attention! My point is your so-called realistic picture of Daphne has been clouded from the start by your intense attraction to her.

Niles

All right. Perhaps at the beginning I was blinded by infatuation. But over the years, I've learned everything about her. And my love has only deepened. I've learned that she is caring and, and compassionate. And she can be moody, sometimes. She likes jelly on her pancakes, instead of syrup. Uh, her laugh is like music. Oh, and that girl can dance!

Niles

You're beautiful! You're a goddess!

Daphne

I don't ever want this moment to end!

Niles

Then let's not let it!

Niles

This is one of my favorite memories. See, that's the dress I wanted her to wear this weekend. Isn't she spectacular?

Frasier

Indeed she is.

Niles

She's perfect! Oh, oh, wait! Look at this. Watch.

Niles

[smiling] I come here often.

Frasier

I suspect part of you has never left.

Niles

Can you blame me? Look at us! We're magnificent together. We're moving in perfect synch.

Frasier

There's that word "perfect" again.

Niles

I know what you're thinking. Just because this evening was perfect doesn't mean I'm idealizing Daphne.

Frasier

Niles, did you hear yourself out there? You called her "a goddess". You can't build a higher pedestal than that. Who could possibly compete with that sort of image?

Niles

That's not fair. I'm well aware that's just one side of her. I'm also acquainted with her ordinary, domestic, everyday side.

Daphne

[in time with the chopping] Doomp-da, doomp-da, doomp-da, doomp-da.

Niles

Hear and soul, I fell in love with you... Heart and soul, the way a fool would do...

Both

Madly! Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night.

Frasier

Oh, please!

Niles

What?

Frasier

Even your everyday memories are idealized. How long until the cartoon blue bird lands on her shoulder?

Niles

All right. So maybe my memories of Daphne are perfect. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Daphne just IS perfect?

Niles

I held you tight, It served you right, I stole a kiss... in the night.

Frasier

That's it. I'm going home.

Niles

Wait, wait. How come?

Frasier

I've nothing else to say. Niles, I love you. And I love Daphne. I just hope the two of you can work this thing out together.

Niles

No, wait, don't go, don't go. Help me understand, why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.

Frasier

Yes. Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love WITH her, you were in love AT her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.

Niles

No, that's not true.

Frasier

Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds, and everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.

Niles

Okay. If you're right - and that's a big "if" - why would I do that?

Frasier

Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion.

Frasier

Roz. What a pleasant surprise.

Roz

[coming in] Break out the champagne! I just sold my children's book.

Martin

Hey, that's great!

Frasier

Well, congratulations, Roz.

Roz

Thanks! You know, this young editor, he's like twenty-three years old, his name's Scott. And I figure he'll just be into action figures and video games and there I was with this simple little story, but he loved it.

Frasier

Great, congratulations. I've been saving a very special bottle for just such an occasion.

Martin

Yeah, while you're in there, get my very special can.

Roz

I gotta call my mother, she is gonna get such a kick out of this. Mom? Hey! Remember that story you used to tell me when I was a kid? You know, it was about the little girl and her grandfather? Yeah, well, I just got it published. What? Well you never told me that! Okay fine, just forget I called. Yeah, bye.

Roz

Well, you can put that away.

Martin

What happened?

Roz

Apparently I just sold my publisher... "Heidi"? I better get over there and let him know before he...

Roz

Hello? Oh, hello Scott. I know, I just heard. Weird, huh?

Martin

Hey, tell him about Eddie! [flaps his arms]

Roz

I'm so sorry. It was a movie too?

Roz

Hey.

Niles

Hey.

Niles

Hello, Frasier. Hi, Dad.

Both

Hi, Niles.

Niles

Hello, Daphne.

Daphne

Hello.

Frasier

Dad, what do you say we head out for dinner at the steakhouse?

Martin

The steakhouse? Really?

Frasier

What the hell. The blood's been flyin' through my arteries lately.

Martin

Just give me a minute to get ready.

Frasier

Right, right.

Niles

Daphne? I want to apologize for the other night. I was rude, and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you.

Daphne

Apology accepted. Oh, come here.

Niles

Thank you.

Daphne

You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner. Would you like to join me?

Niles

I would love that!

Niles

Actually, wait, Daphne? I'm going to pass on dinner.

Daphne

Oh, it's no trouble.

Niles

Oh, I know that, it's just that...I don't really care for your cooking.

Daphne

What?

Niles

Well, you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking. At all. Bad, BAD cook!

Martin

What the hell is he doing?

Frasier

Uh... Well, we're off.

Martin

God bless you, son!

Niles

You okay?

Daphne

How could I be, after that horrible thing you just said to me?

Niles

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I just want to show you I see you the way you really are.

Daphne

And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying?

Niles

No, that's not fair. I, I thought this was what you wanted.

Daphne

Well it still hurts. I have got my feelings, you know. I thought you loved my cooking. Well, you certainly could have handled this better.

Niles

Well, then... I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know! And by the way, neither can you!

Daphne

[gapes] Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!

Niles

Not if you thought I loved your cooking!

Daphne

Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat!

Niles

What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious?

Daphne

Huh, you'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name!

Niles

Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself!

Daphne

Fine! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking!

Niles

I am so sorry! I love you so much!

Niles

I didn't mean any of those things.

Daphne

Yes you did. And I did too. You're a pretentious snob with your wine and your opera.

Niles

Well...you NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental.

Daphne

And you're a clean freak.

Niles

Well...I hate your unicorn collection.

Daphne

And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine!

Niles

Well...you're too tall!

Daphne

You're too short.

Niles

Well...

Niles

Oh, Daphne...

Daphne

Oh, Niles...

Frasier

Ah, there you are, Niles. [to waiter] May I have a latte, please? [he sits] So, how are things with you and Daphne?

Frasier

Thank you. Niles, is everything okay?

Frasier

Ah.

Niles

You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it.