And The Dish Ran Away With The Spoon (Part 2)
Aired 24th October, 2000 · Written by David Angell andPeter Casey · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Daphne
Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
Niles
Well...
Frasier
If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
Daphne
And what about Niles' dignity?
Frasier
Well, Maris got that in the divorce. [laughing] Sorry, Niles. [rising] Would you like some sherry?
Niles
Uh, yes, thanks.
Frasier
Daphne?
Daphne
[rising] Yeah, all right, I'll get your precious wedge of brie and your water crackers.
Frasier
No, I meant would you like some sherry?
Daphne
[stunned] Oh, love some, thanks. [She sits back down.]
Niles
Listen, Daphne, I know this is all very awkward, but if it speeds up the divorce process and avoids the misery I went through with Maris, isn't it worth it?
Daphne
Well, I...
Niles
Oh, come on, Schnookums, we can get through this together. What do you say?
Daphne
What did you just call me?
Niles
Schnookums.
Daphne
Schnookums...
Niles
It was an attempt at a pet name.
Daphne
Well, if it's all the same to you, can we keep looking?
Niles
Absolutely, there's no rush whatsoever... Truffles. [an awkward pause] It's the chocolate, not the fungus. [another pause] It's a work in progress.
Daphne
Yes.
Frasier
Here we are.
Niles
Thank you.
Frasier
For you... here it is: To better days. For all of us.
Daphne
Why, what happened to you?
Frasier
Well, I went down to talk to Donny, try to convince him to drop his lawsuit against you. Instead, he's now suing me as well for the part I played in getting you two together.
Daphne
Well, I am so sorry, Dr. Crane. This is turning into such a horrible mess! Not that I expected it to be a bed of roses, mind you, but it's gotten so you're wonder what God-awful calamity's going to befall us all next.
Simon
Something smells in your elevator. Oh, now it smells in here, too. I'm beginning to think this is not such a ritzy building after all.
Daphne
Did you get my wedding gifts down to the post?
Simon
As we speak, they are winging their way towards their rightful owners.
Daphne
Thank you, Simon.
Simon
And in a totally unrelated matter, I am pleased to announce that the Winnebago is now fully equipped with a state of the art DVD, complete with surround sound.
Daphne
I don't believe this!
Simon
Tonight's feature is "Braveheart", starring Australia's favorite son, Mr. Mel Gibson. Showtime is at eight sharp, everyone is invited.
Daphne
As tempting as that sounds, I have a date. Niles is taking me to dinner and dancing. At least this day will end on a high note.
Niles
I guess I can't avoid telling you this any longer...
Martin
I just want you to know, I'm attending this wedding reception under protest.
Daphne
Wedding reception?
Niles
Thanks, Dad. Yeah, well, you know those social obligations I was talking about? One of them is tonight.
Daphne
A wedding reception? For you and Mel?
Niles
It's at the equestrian center. It's nothing major, it's very impromptu. Champagne, cake, we pet the horses, we're out of there by eleven!
Daphne
But what about our...
Frasier
Oh, gosh, Niles, look at the time. I'm sorry Daphne, but we've got to get cross town in an hour. You better get home and get changed.
Martin
Oh, don't forget to wear that watch Mel gave you.
Daphne
Watch?
Niles
Thanks again, Dad! I can explain that. I, I can explain everything. Tomorrow. It's just a twenty-four hour delay. [He heads for the door.] I switched all the reservations. Dining, dancing, everything. I promise I will make it up to you... pookie. [pause] Even I hate that one.
Daphne
But what about our date?
Simon
Now, now, now, Daphne. Don't cry, don't cry. It's all right. This sounds like a job for Braveheart.
Martin
Don't look now, but there's a guy over there in a bow tie who's been checking me out for the last twenty minutes.
Frasier
Oh, one of Mel's colleagues. I met him earlier.
Martin
What's he keep staring at me for?
Frasier
Well, he's a plastic surgeon. Maybe he's looking at your eyelids and planning his next trip to Maui.
Frasier
Good lord! Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everyone he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
Martin
How 'bout you and Lilith?
Frasier
It was a rhetorical question!
Niles
Thank you.
Mel
Niles, I'd, I'd like you to meet Adrianna Pettibone.
Niles
Hello.
Mel
Adrianna stables General Prescott, our current grand champion right here at the Equestrian Club.
Niles
Wonderful! Speaking of grand champions, how about this little filly, hmm? I didn't even have to check her teeth!
Mel
What are you doing?
Niles
I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.
Roz
Well, I'm here. Congratulations and all that BS, where's the bar?
Niles
Roz, what are you doing here?
Mel
I invited her. Your side of the guest list looked a little sparse.
Roz
Well, forgive me if I'm not in the spirit of this - wink, wink — "happy occasion," but I'm in a very crappy mood.
Niles
Are you limping?
Roz
Yeah. I twisted my ankle on the stairs. You know how that happened? I couldn't find the shoes that went with this dress, so I had to wear these stupid three inch spikes. And the "check engine" light on my dash keeps coming on.
Niles
What does that have to do with your ankle?
Roz
Nothing, it just really ticks me off! The bar, the bar! [Niles and Mel both point.] Thank you!
Niles
That was so sweet of her to come.
Mel
Niles, this is important. If anyone should ask about the honeymoon, we're flying to Paris, then we're taking the Orient Express to Venice, where we'll spend two weeks at the Monsarta Palazzetto suite at the Cipriani.
Mel
What's the matter?
Niles
Sounds like a wonderful trip.
Mel
It's not my fault we're not going.
Niles
I know.
Photographer
Ah, here's the happy couple. All right, you two, show me those pearly whites.
Photographer
All right, now how 'bout a kiss?
Niles
All right, I hardly know you, but...
Niles
Here we go.
Photographer
Come on, Doc, this is your wife, not mine.
Niles
All right, well...
Mel
Thank you.
Niles
Yes, I'll, uh, I'll go check on Dad and Frasier.
Frasier
Yes, they do make a lovely couple.
Woman
Don't they? I'm sure they'll be happy together for many years.
Martin
Well, you never know.
Frasier
Dad?
Martin
Well, you don't, do you? I mean, I'm just saying you never know.
Woman
No, I... guess you don't.
Frasier
Lovely talking with you. Enjoy the party.
Frasier
What the hell's wrong with you?
Martin
In a few weeks, I'm gonna look like a genius.
Roz
Well, I really feel stupid. I just came on to the guy in the tux. They really should make waiters wear name tags.
Frasier
Oh, yes, Roz. Carrying trays and taking drink orders leaves so much room for ambiguity.
Roz
Shut up!
Niles
Well, well, I think it's going pretty well. Don't you? You think anyone's suspicious?
Martin
No, no. It's the greatest phony reception I've ever been to. So, how you holdin' up, son?
Niles
Oh, well, if I have to stretch my muscles into a smile one more time, I think my face may crack...
Mel
Niles?
Niles
[smiling big] Yes, Darling!
Mel
It's time to cut the cake, so why don't you just gather everyone around?
Niles
OK.
Mel
All right. [He moves off, she turns to Martin.] Um, excuse me, I need to borrow Frasier for just one moment.
Martin
Sure.
Mel
Uh, Frasier, I had an interesting little phone call from Donny this afternoon.
Frasier
Oh?
Mel
Yes, he said you'd been by to see him earlier today.
Frasier
I may have done so.
Mel
Yes, he said you were a busy little bee before the wedding. First buzzing in Niles' ear, and then you were buzzing in Daphne's ear...
Frasier
Let me explain Mel. You see...
Mel
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz...
Frasier
Just stop that, please!
Mel
You see, I've been torturing myself trying to figure out how this all happened so quickly, and now I know. I won't forget about this.
Martin
What was that all about?
Frasier
Donny talked to Mel.
Martin
Told you not to go down there.
Frasier
Oh, just stop that!
Mel
Attention everyone! Before we cut the cake, Niles' brother, Frasier, would like to make a toast in our honor.
Martin
I didn't know you were doin' this.
Frasier
Neither did I.
Frasier
Well, ah... Love...is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother... and the love of his life.
Frasier
For she is truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I could not be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy couple!
Mel
Well, wasn't that clever of your brother? It's only too bad your little English muffin couldn't be here to enjoy it as well. Which reminds me: you do realize that while we are pretending to be married, you absolutely cannot be seen in public with Daphne?
Niles
I, I...
Mel
I love you too, honey!
Simon
Hello? Hello, is anybody home?
Martin
[from the kitchen] Hey, Simon. Just making coffee, you want some?
Simon
[lying down on the couch] Ahh, I was thinking of something colder with a bit more of an amber hue.
Martin
Beer?
Simon
Brilliant! if you aren't the finest detective in Seattle, I am the Prince of Wales.
Martin
How did Eddie like his walk?
Simon
The little nipper loved it. I think nature's callin' him again. His bladder's worse than mine. I'll be back in a flash.
Frasier
Was that Simon's voice I heard just now?
Martin
Yeah, he just took Eddie on a walk for me.
Frasier
Well, it's about time that chowder made himself useful.
Martin
Ah, don't be so hard on him. He tries.
Frasier
Yes, well, if you're talking about my patience, he certainly does.
Frasier
Ah, Niles, come on in.
Niles
Frasier. Oh, hey Dad, about a block from here, I saw a dog that looked remarkably like Eddie tied up outside a bar.
Martin
Impossible, he was just here.
Niles
[sitting on the couch] Oh. So, uh, did you say anything to her?
Frasier
No, no, you told us not to.
Martin
You want us out of here when you drop the hammer?
Niles
No, I think I'll be safer with witnesses.
Daphne
Niles. I didn't hear you come in.
Niles
[rising] I just got here.
Daphne
Hey.
Niles
Hey.
Niles
How are you today?
Daphne
Wonderful. I realize that postponing our date one day doesn't really amount to much in the great scheme of things. So how was your wedding reception?
Niles
Oh, it was your average night in hell.
Daphne
Well, that's behind us, now. We have a wonderful evening to look forward to. I bought a new dress. It's much too expensive, but you're worth it. And I'm getting me hair done and me... [to Frasier] Why are you looking at each other like that?
Frasier
We're not looking at each other like that. Like what? What, like anything.
Martin
Uh-uh.
Daphne
Yes you were. Those darting little glances mean something's up. Niles?
Niles
About tonight...
Daphne
I hate the way this is starting.
Niles
Mel feels that as long as she and I are acting to be married, you and I can't be seen together in public. So that means...
Daphne
I know what that means.
Niles
But it's just until the divorce.
Daphne
Whenever that bloody is.
Niles
Daphne...
Daphne
If you'll excuse me, I have a splitting headache.
Niles
You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of view, it really does make a lot of sense.
Frasier
He came so close.
Daphne
What did you say?
Niles
I said "Damn that Mel!"
Daphne
No you didn't. You should have, but you didn't. It sounded to me like you were taking her side.
Niles
All right, all right. Can we just turn the clock back two minutes and pretend this conversation never happened?
Daphne
Why don't we just it back to ten minutes before my wedding and save everybody all this trouble?
Niles
What are you saying?
Daphne
[stopping again without turning] What do you think I'm saying?
Niles
It sounds like you're saying you're sorry you did this.
Daphne
[turning to him] Maybe that's what I'm saying.
Martin
Oh, boy.
Frasier
Now listen, before anyone says something they'll regret...
Daphne
Butt out! If you hadn't opened your big mouth we wouldn't be in this mess! Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight and I wouldn't be out two weeks salary for a dress I'm apparently never going to wear, [to Niles] and you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of a wife of yours!
Frasier
This is all my fault?!
Niles
Oh shut up, Frasier! The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence is your big fat head!
Frasier
I AM WOUNDED! I intervened only out of love for the two people who are most important to...
Daphne
Oh, put a sock in it! I am sick and tired of listening to you yammering on about everything under the sun!
Niles
Daphne...
Daphne
And I'm sick of listening to you, too. You got anything to say, old man?!
Daphne
Good!
Frasier
I'm waiting!
Niles
For what?
Frasier
An apology. For that unprovoked broadside you leveled at me.
Niles
You expect me to apologize to you?
Frasier
Expect it, sir, and demand it!
Niles
Well, then, here's my answer: No!
Frasier
No?!
Niles
[heading for the door] No! And furthermore, why don't you take your broadside, stuff it in a chair, and keep your unlimited supply of opinions, suggestions, proposals and recommendations to yourself?!
Frasier
Well, I never!
Niles
No, you always!
Frasier
GET OUT!
Martin
[rising] How's a corned beef sandwich sound?
Frasier
I am appalled!
Martin
Well, no problem, there's some smoked turkey in here, too.
Frasier
What is my offense? What egregious sin have I committed, that I should be so maligned? Was I to just sit idly by and watch these two misguided souls embark on doomed relationships? Would they have thanked me for that? Not very likely, I dare say.
Martin
Who moved the mustard?
Frasier
Top shelf, door.
Martin
Bingo.
Frasier
And then, when they were perched on the very brink of disaster, I snatched them from the gaping maw and placed them gently into one another's arms. But am I accorded a hero's welcome for my troubles? Am I hoisted on their shoulders and paraded about the room?
Martin
I don't have my glasses, what's the expiration date?
Frasier
Last week.
Martin
I'll chance it.
Frasier
No! Those two ingrates turn on me like vipers, and make me the villain of the piece. Well, hear me now, this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere with those two! This is it! Finished, finito! Non quam postea! [N.B. Latin, "never again"]
Martin
Uh-huh.
Frasier
I know I've made declarations like this before, but I tell you what, Dad, you mark the calendar! You note the time on your watch! [points to his own] This - Is - It!
Martin
Well, if you figure out a way to get them back together, I'll be in my room if you need any help.
Frasier
Have you been listening to me?
Martin
[from the living room] Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got through.
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Daphne.
Daphne
Making yourself a sandwich?
Frasier
No, Dad did.
Daphne
Hope he didn't use the mayonnaise, I meant to throw it out.
Frasier
I've seen him eat worse.
Daphne
I'll say. Remember when he dropped his hot dog at the petting zoo?
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry I said those things about you! I didn't mean them.
Frasier
Oh, I know, Daphne. Come here.
Daphne
I guess this all finally came crashing down on me.
Frasier
Yes, I know. It's perfectly understandable. Listen, I know you can't go out on your date with Niles tonight, but what's to stop two friends from going out to dinner? My treat, you can even wear that new dress of yours.
Daphne
Thank you. That's a lovely offer, but I, I think I'll just stay home tonight, have a quiet night.
Frasier
I understand.
Daphne
Thank you.
Frasier
Sure you won't change your mind?
Daphne
Positive.
Simon
Hello, all. My furry friend and I have just concluded our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket tonight, eh?
Daphne
All I want is a quiet night at home.
Simon
[lying on the couch] Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started, and then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago where Mr. Jean Claude van Damme, the "Muscles from Brussels", will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
Frasier
Ready at eight?
Daphne
Make it seven-thirty.
Niles
Good idea, Dad. An evening out, just the two of us. I had no idea you enjoyed the Natural History Museum.
Martin
Oh, sure. And that documentary on the rain forest is supposed to be great.
Niles
That's what I hear.
Martin
Hope it has pygmies, I like pygmies.
Niles
I know you do. So, where's um...
Martin
Oh, she went out with Frasier to a restaurant for dinner.
Niles
Oh. She happen to ask about...?
Martin
Sorry.
Niles
Dad, we're going up.
Martin
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Well, we'll just have to take the long way.
Niles
Why do you like pygmies so much?
Martin
They're short and they blow darts. What's not to like?
Martin
Come on, come on up here.
Niles
What could possibly be so important for me to see up here?
Martin
The guy in 1708 got some homing pigeons. He built a coop up here for them.
Niles
[coming up] Pigeons? I don't like pigeons, they have no respect for public art.
Martin
Trust me, you're gonna like this.
Niles
Dad, I don't think I handled things very well today. Do you think Daphne will ever forgive me?
Martin
Why don't you ask her for yourself?
Frasier
Your table is ready, sir.
Niles
You look stunning.
Daphne
Thank you. You look dashing.
Frasier
[holding a chair for Niles to sit] I trust this will be to your liking?
Niles
Everything is to my liking.
Daphne
Looks like we're having that first date after all.
Niles
You went to so much trouble!
Daphne
It wasn't me, it was your brother.
Frasier
Well, you know me, I hate to butt in.
Niles
Oh...
Frasier
I had planned to take Daphne to dinner, when suddenly inspiration struck. Since you two couldn't go to Au Pied du Cochon this evening, my faithful companion [Martin bows.] and I would bring it to you courtesy of their caterer. If dancing at the Starlight Room was impossible, we'd give you the real thing.
Daphne
It's all so overwhelming.
Niles
Frasier, Dad, I don't know what to say. You even got that man to move his pigeons.
Martin
There were no pigeons.
Niles
Ohhh...
Daphne
How can we ever thank you two?
Frasier
Just have a beautiful evening.
Niles
I think we can do that. And Frasier, listen...
Frasier
Apology accepted, Niles. Oh, just remember to give the lingonberry sauce a little stir...
Martin
They can figure it out.
Frasier
Right.
Niles
Daphne, about today...
Daphne
Let's just forget about that. Why don't we start from here?
Niles
I would love that. To us!
Daphne
To us.
Daphne
I'm usually so nervous on a first date. But not tonight.
Niles
Would you like to dance?
Daphne
I'd love to.
Niles
So where you from?
Daphne
Manchester, England.
Niles
Oh, my. Big family?
Daphne
Hideously. And you?
Niles
I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet.
Niles
Tenzing Norgay used to carry me to school.
Niles
You know what I've always wondered?
Daphne
I think I can guess.
Niles
Yeah...