The Wizard and Roz
Aired 8th May 2001 · Written by Saladin K. Patterson · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Daphne
Hello
Niles
Hey.
Frasier
Ah, the weekend warriors have returned.
Daphne
Yeah. You better watch out, Dr. Crane, I'm getting pretty good at kickboxing.
Niles
It's true. She hits so hard they're calling her "The British Pound."
Daphne
You hit pretty hard yourself there, "Nails." [She kisses him.] I'm going to hop in the shower.
Frasier
"Nails"?
Niles
Oh, you scratch one guy... Oh, my electrolytes are plummeting. Care to join me in a sherry?
Frasier
Ah, actually, I'd love to, Niles, but I'm off to see Dr. Tewksbury.
Niles
Oh, I didn't realize your mentor was still in town.
Frasier
Yes, and because of it, I've been the fortunate recipient of some informal therapy. It's really been quite enlightening. You know, I consider myself lucky to be in the hands of such a master.
Niles
Well, I'm happy for you, Frasier. He is a gifted psychiatrist, even if I don't share your god-like worship of him.
Frasier
Oh, I simply have a healthy respect for the man, Niles. It's hardly worship.
Niles
Oh, please. You're one step away from seeing his image appear in a tortilla.
Daphne
Niles, thank heavens you're still here!
Niles
What's wrong?
Daphne
You can't go to Nervosa today.
Niles
Why not?
Daphne
I just had a psychic vision that something bad's going to happen to you.
Niles
Oh, come on, Daphne...
Daphne
Niles, I'm serious! I know you don't believe in visions, but it's important to me. Promise me you won't go.
Niles
All right, if it means that much to you, I won't go. I'll go straight home.
Daphne
Thank you. I feel much better. [She gives him a kiss.] I'll see you later.
Frasier
Wow, that was scary.
Niles
Don't tell me you believe in that stuff...
Frasier
No, I meant the way she can manipulate you like that.
Niles
Oh, please, I was just being diplomatic.
Frasier
Tell me, is it difficult to kickbox without a spine?
Niles
You're gonna find out.
Roz
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Roz. Oh, been on a shopping spree, I see.
Roz
Yes, Alice is been visiting her grandmother for the week. So, I finally have some time to myself. I tell you, it's great shopping without her pulling down a display rack. Not only that, I actually woke up today without someone jumping on the bed and sticking her little fingers up my nose.
Frasier
Yes.
Roz
And I didn't have to spend half the morning combing knots out of that little girl's curls...
Frasier
[hands her his cell phone] Give Alice my love.
Roz
[getting up] Thank you, I will.
Niles
Psst, Frasier. Can you get me a latte?
Frasier
Why don't you just get it yourself, Niles? Oh, that's right: it's bad moogambo for you to enter.
Niles
You know I promised Daphne.
Frasier
[rising] Yes, yes, and woe betide he who disobeyeth the oracle!
Niles
All right, all right, wait. Maybe if I get it to go, and don't sit down, I won't actually be breaking my promise to Daphne.
Frasier
Step aside everybody, big set of onions coming through!
Niles
Latte to go, please.
Tewksbury
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Dr. Tewksbury. Well, gosh, this is quite a surprise. What are you doing here?
Tewksbury
Well, I've heard you mention how good their coffee is here, I thought I'd give it a try. May I join you?
Frasier
Oh, yes, of course. I'm terribly sorry. Oh, Roz, meet Dr. Tewksbury. Dr. Tewksbury, this is my producer Roz Doyle. And my brother Niles. Niles, Dr. Tewksbury.
Niles
Hello, how do you do?
Tewksbury
I don't believe we've ever met, but I seem to recall reading a fascinating paper of yours recently.
Niles
Oh, yes, it was probably the one about phobias. Oh, can't sit, can't sit.
Frasier
It's a long story. Anyway, Dr. Tewksbury, I was just wondering, did you happen to read the article on behavior modification in...
Tewksbury
Now, Frasier, let's not talk shop. You don't want to bore Roz.
Roz
Oh, it's all just white noise to me, now. [Tewksbury laughs]
Frasier
Yes, all right. Niles, please, would you stop hovering and please sit down?
Niles
All right. What could it hurt?
Daphne
Niles!
Niles
Daphne!
Daphne
How could you come down here? You broke your promise!
Niles
And my patella!
Daphne
Well, nothing bad would have happened if you'd paid attention to my premonition!
Niles
Well, actually, nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't shown up.
Daphne
Well, it wouldn't have not happened had I not shown up.
Niles
Well, it wouldn't not have happened if you hadn't not shown up!
Daphne
And I wouldn't have shown up had I not known that you wouldn't have been able to not come down here!
Niles
Well, I'm not... not... not... what?
Daphne
My point exactly! You don't listen.
Niles
Daphne!
Frasier
Niles, Niles, you all right?
Niles
Oh, no, I've aggravated my old bossa nova injury.
Frasier
Well, perhaps I better drive you. I'm sorry, Dr. Tewksbury.
Tewksbury
I understand.
Frasier
Bye, Roz.
Roz
Bye!
Tewksbury
Well, what was that all about?
Roz
Well, she thinks she's psychic, but he doesn't believe her.
Tewksbury
Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
Roz
No, no. She's not his patient, she's his girlfriend.
Tewksbury
Oh, well in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, HE's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
Frasier
Is there anything I can get you, Niles? Perhaps a cold pack, perhaps?
Niles
No, no. If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use her icy stare. Frasier, if you don't mind, I'm going to have to cancel on the opera tonight.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, you know I hate going to the opera alone. Throwing a woman's shawl over the seat next to me and glancing expectantly back at the ladies room all night.
Niles
You do that?
Frasier
No!
Niles
Hey, why don't you ask Dr. Tewksbury if he'd like to go?
Frasier
Oh, no.
Niles
Oh, come on. Ever since his divorce I'm sure he's anxious to get out of the house.
Frasier
Well, we're in a quasi-therapeutic relationship right now. Truth be told, I was actually a little uncomfortable socializing with him at Nervosa.
Niles
Oh, I understand. You don't want to see the wizard behind the curtain. Everyone needs an idol, someone who represents a higher plateau of truth and knowledge.
Frasier
Very insightful, Niles. For so many years I must have represented that plateau to you.
Niles
Thank you, Frasier, laughter is indeed the best medicine.
Niles
[rising] Oh, Daphne. My knee's feeling much better.
Daphne
[deadpan] Oh, good.
Niles
Well I hope she doesn't expect me to run in there after her.
Frasier
Good for you, Niles!
Niles
With this knee I can only hobble.
Niles
Daphne, I'm sorry.
Daphne
Are you sorry for breaking your promise or for not believing me?
Niles
I'm sorry for breaking my promise.
Daphne
So you still don't believe I had a premonition?
Niles
Well, it wasn't a premonition...
Daphne
It certainly was! I told you if you went to Nervosa, something bad would happen, and you hurt your knee. What more proof do you need?
Niles
Something a little more scientific than that, I'm afraid.
Daphne
You need scientific proof? Well, I think we can do something about that.
Niles
What do you mean?
Daphne
There are people around who do this sort of research.
Niles
Are those people here now?
Daphne
No! I'm talking about legitimate professionals.
Niles
All right, all right. But it has to be a real scientist. Not some huckster who comes here with crystals and a ghost- o-meter.
Daphne
As long as you have an open mind. And it's pronounced "ghost-ah-meters".
Niles
I'm glad we worked this out.
Daphne
Me too.
Niles
And now that we've made up, maybe we could...
Daphne
Well, I guess we know who's not psychic.
Roz
Frasier! I thought you were the pizza guy.
Frasier
I thought we were writing promos tonight. You forgot, didn't you?
Roz
NO! Yes. I'm sorry.
Tewksbury
Pizza! We're gonna have pizza! We... [stops and puts on his glasses] Frasier! Hello. What are you doing here?
Frasier
Oh, just, ah... wearing clothes.
Tewksbury
Oh, right.
Roz
Frasier brought over some work from the office.
Tewksbury
Ah. I'll just... go get dressed.
Frasier
I've gone blind. And ten seconds too late. So, since when have you and Dr. Tewksbury been seeing each other?
Roz
Well, uh, the other day at Nervosa we really hit it off after you left and he asked me out for dinner and... we've been out every night since.
Frasier
Really? Well, I must say I'm a bit surprised.
Roz
Why? He's smart, very insightful. and he's such a great listener.
Frasier
Yes, well, I'm happy for you, Roz. It's just a little difficult imagining the two of you together.
Roz
You don't think I can appreciate a sophisticated man? You know, it's not just about sex for me, Frasier.
Tewksbury
Uh, do you have a stepladder? My pants are stuck in the ceiling fan.
Tewksbury
Frasier, listen. Before we begin, I hope it wasn't too awkward seeing me with Roz last night.
Frasier
Not at all. Well, it was just a little... jarring to see you out of context that way. But your personal life is your business. Speaking of which, let's, let's get down to business: The Crane mind!
Tewksbury
Yes, let us.
Tewksbury
Now, last time we had just broached the subject of your father's expectations and their effect on your early adulthood.
Tewksbury
As we know, the internalization of a parent's moral code is crucial to the development of a superego. And considering the strict nature of your father's strictness... Frasier, is everything all right?
Frasier
Yes, yes, of course. Please, continue.
Tewksbury
Well you must admit that having a father whose very job is the enforcement of the moral code, would lead to an overdeveloped superego.
Tewksbury
I believe I have a paper on this subject.
Tewksbury
It's right here.
Frasier
Oh, hey, Dad.
Martin
Hey.
Frasier
How was your day?
Martin
Why don't you just tell me what happened to you?
Frasier
What are you talking about?
Martin
Well, you know how my day goes: play with Eddie, watch TV, do my stretches. You only ask so I'll ask you about your day, so I'm askin'.
Frasier
I am hurt. You're my father, of course I care about your day.
Martin
Oh, well, uh, I played with Eddie, watched TV, did my stretches.
Frasier
Oh, good.
Martin
So, how was...
Frasier
I just came from Dr. Tewksbury. Throughout the entire session, I just couldn't focus on anything he was saying.
Martin
Wasn't he talkin' about you?
Frasier
Yes, yes, but recently I saw him in... well, a less than dignified light. And ever since, I've just found it impossible to take him seriously.
Martin
I know exactly what you're talking about. In Korea, I had this commanding officer, Lieutenant Franks. I would have followed that guy into the gates of hell. I saw him a few years later, he was flippin' hamburgers in a fast food place. That was hard to handle. I mean this guy took me under his wing and molded me.
Frasier
Like a mentor?
Martin
Yeah, exactly. He always used to say that one day he'd be takin' orders from me. I just never thought it'd be for extra onions.
Frasier
So how did you handle it?
Martin
Well, I just realized it was my problem, not his. And I wasn't gonna let it erase all that he'd meant to me. So I marched right back into that kitchen and saluted him. And after we were talkin' a while, I realized nothin' had changed. He was still the same hard-chargin' man's man who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty. Which is why I never ate there again.
Niles
Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room.
Martin
[rising] Ooh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Frasier
Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.
Daphne
Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.
Martin
[smugly] Thank you.
Niles
Don't worry, I will thoroughly appraise the examiner and his testing methods.
Frasier
Good luck.
Niles
That'll be him.
Niles
Come in. I'm Dr. Niles Crane, this is Daphne Moon.
Daphne
Hello.
Morey
Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Morey.
Niles
Oh, doctor? Doctor of...?
Morey
Spookology! [then] Kidding. That's just what most people expect. Actually I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle University.
Niles
Really? Please, have a seat.
Morey
Thank you.
Niles
So, hmm, you're more of a debunker.
Morey
Well, no, not at all. Actually, I apply scientific principles to the search for paranormal phenomena. Believe me, nothing would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic.
Niles
Oh, so, then you've never found one.
Morey
Well, if by "psychic" you mean people with above-normal prescience, then a few. If you mean somebody who could beat the house in Vegas, then no. I thought I had one for a while, but, uh... no.
Niles
So, Daphne, do you still want to go through with this?
Daphne
I'm ready if you are.
Niles
All right, Doctor, she's all yours.
Morey
Great. Now, I've got a card...
Daphne
Ace of spades!
Morey
...with my office and fax number on it.
Daphne
And your address!
Morey
Correct.
Daphne
Star... Circle.
Morey
And finally?
Daphne
Circle.
Morey
That's it. That was your final test.
Daphne
And I'm psychic, right?
Morey
Well, first we have to compare your results to those of the rest of the control group. It'll just take me a few minutes to run these numbers, okay?
Niles
So? How do you think you did?
Daphne
I think I did pretty well on the cards. The premonition test was a little tricky, but all in all I was in the zone.
Niles
Well, we'll soon find out.
Morey
You know, Daphne, I'm always curious: when was it that you first suspected you had psychic ability?
Daphne
Oh, years ago, when I was a little girl. Grammy Moon first saw the gift in me. See, I was a girl in a house full of boys, which I hated, until Grammy told me that only Moon women had second sight. She had it, her mother had it and so on. After that, I noticed I could sense things before they happened, sort of like a secret power. Anyway, it's just always been a part of who I am.
Morey
I see. Well, we have your results.
Daphne
All right. I don't know why I'm a bit nervous.
Morey
So, Daphne, from what I see here...
Niles
Wait, uh... Wait. I don't think we should this, I don't want to know.
Daphne
What do you mean?
Niles
I'm sorry, I think this was a bad idea.
Daphne
Well, I thought you wanted scientific proof.
Niles
I changed my mind. I don't need a stranger telling me... anything about who you are. I want us to get to know each other on our own. Over time.
Daphne
I knew you were going to say that!
Niles
You did?
Daphne
No, but I loved hearing it.
Daphne
I'm sorry, Dr. Morey, we wasted your time.
Morey
It's okay. The dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
Morey
I'm kidding. They weren't that funny.
Tewksbury
All right, Frasier, let's start with our last session. As I recall, you were having difficulty getting rid of a certain image in your mind?
Frasier
That is correct.
Tewksbury
Well, perhaps we should confront that.
Frasier
Oh, dear lord, I assumed that was Roz's.
Tewksbury
It is. I was at her apartment this morning, I started thinking about your issue with the robe, and I decided to bring it with me. [He puts the robe on.] Now Frasier, you consider me a competent psychiatrist, don't you?
Frasier
Of course I do.
Tewksbury
Does seeing me dressed like this diminish that?
Frasier
No, of course not. It's just, well... I know, on a conscious level, that the garment does not change who you are. But on, on an unconscious level, I'm all weirded out! You're my mentor, and you're wearing Roz's robe.
Tewksbury
I'm still the same person.
Frasier
Yes, but, it's Roz's robe.
Tewksbury
And what does Roz's robe signify to you?
Frasier
Roz.
Tewksbury
Then maybe this isn't about you and me. Maybe this is about your relationship with Roz.
Tewksbury
Seeing me dressed like this brings up deep feelings. Don't be afraid of those feelings, go with them. [He notices the student.] Ah, Peterson. Here for your make-up test?
Peterson
I was. But I'll just take the D.
Roz
Oh, Frasier.
Frasier
You got a minute?
Roz
We're not supposed to be working, are we? 'Cause I'm kinda busy right now.
Frasier
It's not about work.
Roz
Oh, come on in.
Roz
Have a seat.
Frasier
Thanks.
Frasier
Listen, uh, something's been troubling me ever since I saw Dr. Tewksbury in your robe and, uh, at first I thought it was about the toppling of a hero, but I've since discovered that it's really about you.
Roz
Let me guess: I'm not good enough for your precious mentor.
Frasier
No, that's not it, Roz. Uh... When you were describing what attracted you to Dr. Tewksbury, I couldn't help thinking "That very well could have been me."
Roz
So?
Frasier
So, Roz, I've known you for, what, eight years now. And in that time I've seen you date hundreds of...
Roz
Careful!
Frasier
All right, dozens of men. Yet you never showed any interest in me. Well, except for that one drunken flirtation at the station retreat.
Frasier
Well, anyway, I assumed it was because I wasn't your type. Then I see you drawn to someone who's similar to me.
Roz
You're jealous?
Frasier
Well, no, not jealous, not exactly. It's more along the lines of "Why everybody else and not me?"
Roz
Frasier, did you ever stop to think there may be something special about not being picked?
Frasier
Roz, that didn't work when I was cut from pee-wee football, it's not gonna work now.
Roz
Okay, I'll be honest with you. When we first started working together, I had a little crush on you.
Frasier
Really?
Roz
Yeah, sure. I mean, you were handsome and sophisticated and you had your French suits and your Italian shoes...
Frasier
Actually, it was vice-versa, but go on, go on.
Roz
But you were coming off this divorce, and you were my boss, and the whole thing was just too weird, so I never acted on it.
Frasier
And you were right. You were. Anyway, it's nice to know how you felt. Thanks.
Roz
Sure.
Frasier
So, just for the record, though: you did have the hots for me?
Roz
Yes, yes.
Frasier
You're not just saying that?
Roz
No. But, can you imagine the two of us together?
Frasier
Oh, gosh, no. [rising] Strange idea, isn't it?
Roz
Really strange.
Frasier
Gosh, it's really hard to picture, isn't it? Of course, I mean, it wouldn't be your problem. It would be all me, trust me, all me. I mean, you're a perfectly wonderful person.
Roz
What are you doing?
Frasier
Well, I'm just saying how great you are.
Roz
No, you're giving me the "It's not you, it's me" speech. If anyone should be giving that speech, it's me, not you.
Frasier
Well, whatever you have to tell yourself, Roz.
Roz
All right, get out!
Frasier
Sounds to me like somebody still has a soft spot for the ol' boss man.
Roz
OUT!