Semi-Decent Proposal
Aired 15th May 2001 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by Katy Garretson
Niles
You sure Daphne will like this one?
Frasier
Oh, it's perfect, Niles. Look, it even says on the box, "for the perfect DVD viewing experience."
Niles
[reading] What do you suppose "multi-angle capability" means?
Frasier
[know-it-all] Well, it means that the remote control will respond from any angle.
Claire
Not to intrude, but actually it means you can see a scene from different camera angles.
Niles
Oh, thank you.
Frasier
Oh, I-I was just, uh, teasing him. You see, my brother's technologically challenged.
Claire
If you're, uh, new to DVD, you might want to rent the director's cut of "Das Boot." It's amazing - I mean, if you don't mind subtitles.
Frasier
Mind them? I prefer them! In fact, I-I do speak a-a bit of German, so in this case they might actually be a distraction!
Claire
Really?
Frasier
Mmm.
Claire
I speak German too.
Niles
You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.
Frasier
He's a bit defensive. Nimm ihn einfach ncht zur Kenntnis. [Just ignore him.]
Claire
[responds in German, they laugh]
Niles
You thought your CD-ROM drive was a cup holder.
Frasier
Thanks a lot! I was interested in her.
Niles
Well, how was I supposed to know?
Frasier
I was speaking German!
Niles
Oh yes - the language of love!
Frasier
Oh dear, it's Lana, it's Lana.
Niles
[excited] Where, where?
Frasier
Oh my God, no, no, just turn around, turn around! I don't know why the woman frightens me.
Niles
Well, she should frighten you, she was prom queen!
Lana
Hi! Sorry, it took me forever to find a parking spot. [Claire hands Lana the shopping bag she's carrying] Thanks. [sees Frasier] Frasier!
Frasier
Lana! Uh, look Niles, it's Lana.
Niles
[giggling like a teenager] Hi, Lana.
Lana
Hi! Oh, this is my friend, Claire French. Frasier Crane, his brother Niles - we've known each other since high school.
Frasier
Yes, we've already met. Uh, guten tag, Claire.
Claire
I knew I'd recognized your voice. You're on the radio.
Frasier
Yes, yes, well, I'm flattered that you've listened.
Lana
You should have seen him in high school. Do you remember when you petitioned the school to have interpretive dance added to gym class? [laughs]
Frasier
Oh, is that a CD organizer? I'll be right back! [moves off]
Claire
Oh, I need one of those myself, excuse me.
Lana
So Niles, how's things?
Niles
Things are good.
Lana
Are you married now?
Niles
No, no. I was, but, uh, I'm not now. [cocksure] But I'm goin' with someone.
Clerk
Next!
Lana
Oh yes, I need to return this. [takes a portable stereo from the bag and puts it on the counter]
Clerk
Oh, it's scratched.
Lana
Well, it was like that when I bought it.
Frasier
You know, I'm not much of a faux walnut grain enthusiast.
Claire
Uh, Frasier, I-I wanted to ask you something. Saturday night, are you free?
Frasier
Only with a coupon. [they laugh] What did you have in mind?
Claire
Well, a bunch of us are throwing a surprise party for Lana, I was wondering if you could bring her.
Frasier
Well, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this. You see, last year Lana and I dated for a brief period, and, uh, well, things just didn't work out. Don't get me wrong, it's not that she isn't a lovely person-
Clerk
Next.
Lana
I don't give a rat's ass about your policy! Get me the manager!
Frasier
Perhaps you could ask someone else.
Claire
Come on, just ask her out as a friend. Once you're there, you can leave... [with unmistakable suggestiveness] Or stay.
Lana
Are you calling me a liar?! [to the whole store] DON'T BUY ANYTHING HERE, THE SERVICE SUCKS!
Frasier
Well, it is her birthday.
Martin
Red wire, red wire, where do you go? Oh, here we are.
Martin
Uh, maybe the red wire's extra. Niles, hand me that yellow one, will you?
Martin
What's the matter?
Niles
Oh, Daphne punched me in her sleep last night. Honestly, she is the most aggressive sleeper I have ever known.
Martin
Wow. You being a psychiatrist, you probably think she's acting out some form of repressed hostility towards you, huh?
Niles
That was the furthest thing from my mind... until now.
Martin
Oh, don't worry about it. Sounds to me like you guys are still finding your sleeping groove.
Niles
Sleeping groove?
Martin
Yeah. First six months your mother and I were together, we were like Dempsey and Tunney! [then] You see, Dempsey and Tunney were-
Niles
Oh Dad, please, I know a little something about vaudeville.
Daphne
I've got our movie.
Daphne
Oh, knock it off! [punches his arm lightly] I told you I was sorry.
Niles
[rubbing his arm] It's all right. [sees] "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
Daphne
Yeah, it's got everything - action, romance, and humor. I mean, who's funnier than Roger Rabbit?
Niles
No one?
Daphne
Exactly.
Frasier
Well, I'm off to pick up Lana.
Niles
You're oddly chipper about it.
Frasier
Well, of course I am, Niles. The sooner I deliver her to the surprise party, the sooner I can cast my net of romance over a butterfly named Claire. You know, I've got a good feeling about this one.
Niles
Oh Frasier, you always have a good feeling. You think it's going to be perfect, and then when she turns out not to be the Kierkergard-reading, soufflé-baking, haiku-writing cellist, you're disappointed. You have to learn to settle.
Daphne
[looks at him] What does that mean?
Frasier
Have fun, Niles.
Roz
Oh, hi!
Frasier
Roz, hi.
Roz
Where are you going?
Frasier
Oh, just to a little party.
Roz
Have a good time.
Frasier
Bye!
Roz
Hey, everybody. Am I too late?
Martin
No, you're perfect. We're all hooked up and ready to go.
Roz
Great. I brought "Caddyshack"! Who's funnier than that gopher?
Daphne
Roger Rabbit, that's who-
Martin
Hey, what about my movie, "The Longest Day"? It's got D-Day and the Duke!
Niles
Whoa, that is an embarrassment of riches. Each movie more appealing than the last. Well, perhaps there's a happy compromise in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." [holds it up]
Roz
Well that would be a happy compromise, except for one thing: Boring!
Daphne
I think we should use the manual.
Martin
I don't need a manual! I need a pair of wire strippers, a hammer, and a beer. [goes to the kitchen]
Niles
All right, well, while he's doing that I just have to pose the question: who's funnier than Daniel Day-Lewis?
Frasier
You look lovely tonight.
Lana
Thank you, you look nice too.
Lana
Look, I'm gonna be real direct. We're just two good friends going out for dinner, OK?
Frasier
Of course.
Lana
I only say that because you went a little heavy on the cologne, and I don't want you to have any expectations.
Frasier
I have nothing of the sort. And by the way, it's scented soap.
Lana
I mean, I only accepted because it really sounded like you could really use a night out. I don't want some awkward scene where you try to get in my pants.
Frasier
I assure you, there will be no such scene.
Lana
Good. [pause] Unless of course I have too much to drink, [slightly manic laughter] and I change my mind!
Frasier
So, how are those kids of yours doing?
Lana
Oh, my youngest is good, he's in the ninth grade. But Kirby, if he doesn't pass U.S. history he's not going to graduate.
Frasier
Well, have you considered getting a tutor?
Lana
That's a good idea. You used to do that sort of thing in high school, didn't you?
Frasier
Well, yes, yes, I-I did. And I-I would do it for Kirby in a heartbeat. It's just that I'm asked a lot, and if I helped him I'd have to do it for everyone, and I'd hate to open those floodgates. You understand.
Lana
Yeah. I mean, my ex is the one I should be asking, but that would be a waste of time.
Frasier
He doesn't help out with the kids?
Lana
No, the only kid he has time for is Kathy, his 22-year old receptionist. It's sickening. Mind if I smoke?
Frasier
Well, actually-
Lana
I'll just crack a window.
Lana
You know, I'm glad you asked me out tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday!
Frasier
Really? Oh, happy birthday.
Lana
Hardly. That's the day Bob and Kathy have chosen to get married - in Tahiti! Some birthday.
Lana
All right. That's good, tonight'll get my mind off of it. Just promise me that I won't even hear the word "birthday" for the rest of the night, OK?
Frasier
Are you sure? I mean, maybe a big celebration would be the best revenge.
Lana
[almost crying] What am I celebrating? The fact that I'm becoming an old trot and no one's ever going to love me again? Oh God, shut up! [stubs out her cigarette]
Lana
Aren't we going to Bella Lucia?
Frasier
Well, actually I-I know this little Thai place that I think will be better.
Lana
Well, were you even going to ask me? I hate Thai food! Typical man, "I like Thai food, so she must like Thai food."
Frasier
All right, Bella Lucia it is.
Lana
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm being snappy. It's just... I-I guess I just always thought that I'd be the one who got remarried first, you know? Now everybody's just going to feel sorry for me. Oh God, I hope I don't run into anybody I know tonight! [Frasier is worried] And you're not a typical man. You're very thoughtful. Forgive me?
Frasier
Yes, I'm afraid I do. Oh gosh - you know, I-I do know another little Italian place that I think you might really enjoy just as much - well, what do you say?
Lana
Great, sounds great.
Frasier
OK.
Lana
You know, it's funny, as much as I hate the thought of my birthday, I'm kind of hurt that none of my friends asked me to do anything. I mean, not like I wanted a party, but, well, something would have been nice.
Lana
OK, OK, Frasier, you know what, just because I'm vulnerable doesn't mean you're getting some!
Frasier
No! Listen: fifty of your friends are sitting in Bella Lucia right now, wearing party hats and waiting to yell, "Surprise!" Do you want to go or not?
Lana
[happy] My friends are throwing me a surprise party?!
Frasier
That's right.
Lana
[Carrie] And you tell me and ruin it?!
All
SURPRISE!
Lana
[feigned] Oh my god, you didn't! [to Claire] You, you did this!
Lana
Frasier, you tricked me, you awful thing! [shoves him playfully]
Frasier
It wasn't easy, you nightmarish carp!
Lana
Thank you - Debbie, oh hi! Bruce, hi! I am so thrilled you all came here for this! I thought a lot of you would have flown to Tahiti for the wedding of Dumbo and Bimbo!
Claire
Thanks for getting her here.
Frasier
Well...
Claire
How did you manage to keep it a secret?
Frasier
Well, as a psychiatrist, discretion happens to be the cornerstone of my profession.
Claire
Ah, of course. Mine too - I'm a family therapist.
Frasier
Really? You know, I-I sensed we have a lot in common.
Claire
You know, it's funny how things turn out. I started out as a music major, studying the cello.
Frasier
You're a cellist?
Claire
Yes, but psychology is my true calling. "Spawning fish that leave upstream for many seasons, yet come home to stay."
Frasier
Was that a haiku?
Claire
Yes. It's, uh, it's a habit of mine. They just sort of spill out of me.
Frasier
Well, that's amazing! [loosens his collar] Uh, may I get you a drink?
Claire
Yes. Uh, a martini - two olives.
Frasier
Ah. I knew it.
Frasier
Kierkergard?
Claire
Love him.
Frasier
Don't move.
Lana
Claire! What are you doing staring at the moon? I want you to meet Neil, the guy I told you about.
Martin
All right, what's it say now?
Daphne
"Alternatively, see Appendix C: Advanced Troubleshooting Specifications and You."
Martin
That's it, I quit. [throws cables up in the air]
Daphne
Well, what do you want to do?
Roz
Well, I went to a party once where we each went around the room and confessed our most shameful secret - except it had to be something that you've never told anyone before.
Niles
Oh, I don't think that's something we really want to get into.
Daphne
No, sounds like fun.
Niles
OK, I'll go first. Oh, let's see - all right, well, Daphne, you might as well make your acquaintance with my dark side. In fifth grade, there was a bully, Jack Winfield, who was bothering a lot of the girls, so one day I waited for him outside of school and gave him a sound thumping.
Martin
Wasn't that the kid with rickets?
Niles
Rickets and a smart mouth.
Roz
Daphne, you go next, and think of something juicier than that.
Daphne
Oh, well, um, mine's also a youthful indiscretion. I stole a teddy bear from the shops.
Roz
Then what?
Daphne
Well, I felt guilty, so I told my parents and we brought it back. Then as a penance, I... volunteered to work at the orphanage after school.
Roz
What the hell was that?! I'd put that story on my resume! Come on, Martin, you've got to have something! Shock me!
Martin
Oh, I don't know, it's kind of personal.
Roz
That's what we're looking for.
Martin
Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room: every time I watch "The Sound of Music"... I cry. And I don't mean a single manly tear. I mean real blubbering, girl-style. The nuns... those kids... that lonely goatherd.
Roz
These are your deep, dark secrets? This is baby stuff! "Ooh, I dropped my ice cream and I ate it!"
Daphne
OK, let's hear yours, then.
Roz
Oh, you can't handle mine. Let's play "Clue" or something.
Martin
Are you kidding? We can take anything you could dish out! I was in the war, I was a cop, I even worked Vice!
Roz
I don't think so.
Martin
Well, come on, I'll tell you what: whisper it in my ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them.
Roz
OK.
Lana
[mournful] Where was Kathy while I was busting my ass putting him through dental school? Oh, oh, that's right - she wasn't BORN YET!
Guest 1
Who wants more cake?
Guest 1
Not me, but I'll go with you!
Frasier
Here we are. This is one of my favorites.
Claire
That's so sweet of you, but Neil just brought me a glass.
Frasier
Oh, this one. Yes, that's a delightful little wine, yes, it's very nice. But this happens to be a Bavaresco Diam, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini! [laughs]
Claire
Well, they both taste wonderful. I-I don't, I can't choose between them.
Frasier
Taste mine again.
Neil
You know, if you're really interested in wine, Claire, you should let me fly you down to Napa in my plane. We could spend the day exploring vineyards.
Claire
Oh, that's very sweet, but those little planes make me nervous.
Frasier
Well, how do you feel about, uh, BMW's? You see, I-I happen to know several of the proprietors of the local vineyards here, and I'd be delighted to be your tour guide.
Claire
That sounds tempting.
Frasier
Well, allow me to enchant you further. You see, I...
Frasier
Claire, I'm sorry, uh, you'll have to excuse me for just a moment.
Frasier
Hi. How you doing?
Lana
Everybody's leaving.
Frasier
Well, it's getting late.
Lana
It's 9:30! Let's face it, I drove them all off. Even I'm sick of hearing me complain about Bob.
Frasier
No, come on, it's not all that bad. I mean, listen, you know, Bob is in the past. I mean, just look at all the friends you have. I know you've had a bit of a tough time lately, but it'll end soon. You're a vibrant, attractive woman.
Lana
Thanks, Frasier. You're being awfully sweet to me. Don't think this means you're getting any.
Neil
We're, uh, saying our goodbyes.
Frasier
Oh, you're leaving?
Claire
Uh, I have an early appointment and Neil offered to give me a ride home.
Frasier
Well, how thoughtful of him.
Claire
Happy birthday, Lana. [they hug] It's nice to see you again, Frasier.
Frasier
Lovely seeing you again, Claire. Neil...
Lana
Threw a gutter ball, huh?
Frasier
Thanks to you, you introduced them.
Lana
Well, you played it all wrong! You were hanging on her all night!
Frasier
So was he, but he left with her.
Lana
It won't last. She's probably sick of him already.
Frasier
Lot of good that does me. I blew it.
Lana
Not necessarily. I mean, I think you guys could make a great couple. In fact, I might be able to help you out there.
Frasier
Really? Would you?
Lana
Well, I could, but you know I get asked that all the time, and if I did it for you, then I'd have to do it for everybody, and I just don't know if I want to open those floodgates! You know what I mean?
Frasier
I think I do.
Lana
Kirby needs a passing grade in history.
Frasier
I can't guarantee that.
Lana
No passing grade, no Claire.
Frasier
All right, an hour on Tuesdays.
Lana
Two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Frasier
Two hours on Tuesdays, no Thursdays.
Lana
Three on Tuesdays.
Frasier
Done, happy birthday.
Lana
Thank you.
Frasier
Well, you're a very lucky young man, Kirby. You know, I loved studying U.S. history. What could be more fascinating than the rich and unfolding epic of the very soil on which we live?
Kirby
Uh, will that question be on the test?
Frasier
Doubtful. [opens textbook] So, which chapter are you on?
Kirby
Whoa, is that my book?
Frasier
I see - Chapter 1. [begins reading, then] You may want to take some notes.
Kirby
I don't have a pen. But just tell me, I'll remember it.
Lana
Oh yeah, yeah, that's gotten you far. [they look at her] GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN!!!
Lana
No, not you, not you, not you!