A Passing Fancy

Frasier

All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before your mother gets here. One last question: In our studies this week, what did we learn about William Henry Harrison?

Kirby

Well, I guess I would say that this week we learned that William Henry Harrison was... a great man... who was important ...because he was...

Frasier

President?

Kirby

No. Yes! Yes.

Frasier

Good, good. And which president was he?

Kirby

Of the United States.

Frasier

I mean which number?

Frasier

All right, here's a hint: He was elected in eighteen-forty.

Kirby

Eighteen.

Frasier

No.

Kirby

Fortieth?

Frasier

Kirby! Did you do any reading this week?

Kirby

Sort of.

Frasier

What does "sort of" mean?

Kirby

No.

Frasier

Right. Why not?

Kirby

'Cause it's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to know.

Frasier

Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem unimportant to you now, but knowing something about where we came from may help you to decide where you wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you be condemned to repeat it. [He pushes the text book over to Kirby.] Start reading. Continue until your mother gets here.

Frasier

Hi, Dad.

Martin

Hey, Fras. You know that guy, Roger, on fourteen, has that little Scottish Terrier?

Frasier

MacDuff?

Martin

Right. Well, Roger's invited all these dogs from the park to a party, for MacDuff's birthday. Except Eddie, thank God! Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?

Frasier

I see. And putting a hat on Eddie, for every major holiday, that's normal?

Martin

Well, it's not every holiday.

Frasier

Oh, Dad, please! He's got a Santa cap for Christmas, he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve, he's got a tam o'shanter for St. Patrick's day...

Martin

Well, they're just hats! It's not a whole party. I mean, a dog doesn't know it's his birthday any more than he knows it's Friday or Saturday or...

Frasier

Or Cinco de Mayo?

Martin

That sombrero was a gift!

Frasier

Keep reading!

Martin

It's nice you're helpin' the kid out.

Frasier

Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad, I'm actually... I've made a little agreement with Lana. You see, if I help Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one of her girlfriends, Claire.

Martin

Oh. I remember when you used to tutor kids so they wouldn't beat you up. So I guess this is progress, huh?

Frasier

That'll be your mother.

Frasier

Hi, Lana. Come on in.

Lana

Hi, Frasier. You guys have a good study session today?

Kirby

Primo.

Frasier

Oh, yes, we're making excellent progress.

Lana

Really? So, what did you learn today?

Kirby

Uh, well, today I learned about William Henry Harrison, who was our...

Kirby

...uh, ninth president.

Frasier

I mean tenth. [Frasier waves.] I mean ninth.

Lana

Good, not bad. So you're one step closer to getting your prom privileges back.

Kirby

Mom, I told you, I'm not goin'.

Lana

Why not? Because you and Kristi broke up?

Kirby

Thanks for spreadin' that around, Mom!

Lana

Oh, Frasier doesn't care. He went to the prom with his brother.

Frasier

Thanks for spreading THAT around! Kirby, listen, can I have a word alone with your mother, please?

Kirby

Sure.

Lana

Here, sit in the car. You can listen to the radio.

Lana

But don't change my presets again. When you're in my car, it's my hits OR NOTHING!

Lana

What did you want to talk about?

Frasier

Well, actually, I was wondering if you'd had a chance to talk to Claire, yet, seeing as how Kirby may be getting a passing grade.

Lana

Actually, I saw Claire yesterday.

Frasier

Oh, you did! That's wonderful news! Now, I was thinking for our first date, I thought perhaps Tapas. Now I know that sounds a little whimsical, but hear me out on this...

Lana

Frasier, Frasier, look, all I did was mention you were tutoring Kirby. But she was very impressed.

Frasier

But you were supposed to set us up. We had a deal!

Lana

I'm phasing you in slowly. Look, she just broke up with Neil because he was rushing things. Trust me, if you don't time this right you're going to blow it.

Frasier

All right, there's no need to explain it to me. If anyone understands the value of restraint and taking things slowly, it's yours truly.

Lana

Frasier, as I recall, on our first date, you got me up to your apartment on false pretenses, you plied me with wine, you got me into bed and then tried to weasel out of ever seeing me again.

Frasier

I think "plied" is a bit strong!

Roz

Hey, Frasier. I have a work-related proposal I want to run by you.

Frasier

Well, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas. Creative thoughts, outside-the-box thinking, that sort of thing.

Roz

I want Friday the fifteenth off. But be aware, if you say "No," you'll be crushing a dream I've had since college.

Frasier

A three-day weekend, that's quite a dream.

Roz

My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage with him.

Frasier

I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon?

Roz

No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I want to be the first in line.

Frasier

Oh, well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa," I would have found a polite way to no, but as it is, no.

Roz

I can't believe I could have just called in sick instead of telling you the truth. I just wasted perfectly good honesty on you!

Daphne

Hey, Roz.

Roz

His Royal Highness is here.

Niles

Hey, Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, hi, Niles.

Daphne

Coffee, Niles?

Niles

Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three shots of espresso.

Daphne

The Defibrillator?

Niles

Yeah, that's the one.

Frasier

A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?

Niles

Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...

Frasier

Stop the simile! No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later.

Niles

I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate jughead.

Daphne

Hey, sweetie.

Niles

Hey. I was just telling Frasier about your nightly tossing and turning.

Niles

She's like a tuna on a trawler deck.

Daphne

I told you: I'm gonna need time to adjust to sleeping with someone. Until then you're just going to have to fight me off.

Niles

Oh, I tried, you hurled me to the floor!

Daphne

You've never minded the rough stuff before.

Frasier

[closes his book] No that's it, I'm leaving.

Frasier

Good lord, it's Claire.

Daphne

I thought you liked her.

Frasier

Oh, I do.

Niles

So what's the problem?

Frasier

Lana has told me I am under no circumstances to ask her out on a date! She says that if I rush things, I will ruin my chances.

Claire

Frasier!

Frasier

Claire, hi. Fancy seeing you here.

Claire

I just came from the opera house. Can you believe Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a subscription.

Frasier

Oh, you know, I could... I could call someone for you.

Claire

Oh, hey, that would be great. And hey, while you're at it, see if you can't find someone who likes sherry. You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much as I do. Of course, I always have trouble finding people who share my interests, I've been trying to convince someone to go to London with me and see the new Tate Gallery and the Old Globe Theater and finally I just gave up and tomorrow I'm going alone for ten days. Life's just too short!

Frasier

Go out with me!

Frasier

The trick to remembering the difference between William Henry Harrison and William Howard Taft is a simple mnemonic device.

Kirby

A what?

Frasier

It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first month, so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly Healthy". And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters f-a-t.

Kirby

So now to remember two things, I have to remember two other things. Plus the first two things. That's FOUR things.

Frasier

Yes, yes, but the first two things are easier to remember and they are clues to the second. Will you just try to keep up, Kirby?

Kirby

What are you getting all up in my face for?

Frasier

Because you are not working hard enough.

Kirby

Well, who's fault is that?

Frasier

Yours!

Kirby

Whatever, dude.

Lana

How's it going?

Kirby

Well, I'm cool.

Frasier

As am I.

Lana

Oh, Frasier, you staying for dinner?

Frasier

Sure.

Lana

Kirby, go wash up. [He gets up and heads out.] And USE WATER!

Frasier

Listen, Lana, um... I, I ran into Claire this afternoon, and well, we got to talking, and it seems as though we'll... we're going to be going out together.

Lana

You what? I told you the timing wasn't right. You went behind my back!

Frasier

Yes, well you convinced me you held the keys to Claire's kingdom and the truth is, I didn't need the key! When I got there the gates were open, the mat said "Welcome Frasier"!

Lana

Well, if you think you are walking out on Kirby, you can think again!

Frasier

Listen, there is no point in tutoring him if he is not willing to learn!

Claire

[v.o. from answering machine] Hi, Lana, it's Claire. Listen, Frasier asked me out today and I said yes. He seems very sweet. [Frasier grins.] Of course, he was also a little eager which is always a turn-off. [Frasier's grin fades.] So I might back out, unless you think he's a catch, do you, is he? So anyway, I'll be back next week, give me a call, let me know what you think, bye.

Lana

[now the one smiling smugly] Hmmm, what do I think?

Frasier

Perhaps I spoke hastily.

Lana

I think... I want Kirby to get a C.

Frasier

What? You said all he had to get was a passing grade!

Lana

Well, that's before you went behind my back. And just for arguing, I want a B!

Frasier

That's crazy!

Lana

Well, keep talking mister, and I'll go for an A!

Frasier

All right, all right, a B it is!

Kirby

What am I doing again? Oh yeah, I'm washing up.

Lana

Okay, a B minus.

Frasier

All right, Kirby, I'm going to make you an offer: If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous meal at Les Habitants. How does that sound?

Kirby

You and me at a fancy French restaurant?

Frasier

That's right.

Kirby

Kinda gay.

Roz

Hey, Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, hi, Roz. Kirby, this is my producer, Roz Doyle. Roz, this is Kirby, my... tutee.

Roz

Well, study hard, but remember: school isn't everything. I wasn't exactly an egghead and look how I turned out.

Frasier

Yes, all right, Roz. I'm just trying to motivate the boy, not scare him straight.

Kirby

She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?

Frasier

Oh, yes, well, sometimes. But she's union, so you put up with it.

Kirby

No, I mean she's hot!

Frasier

Just stop that. You stick to girls your own age.

Kirby

Yeah, I had one, she dumped me.

Frasier

Sorry to hear that.

Kirby

I don't care. She can go to the prom with anyone she wants.

Frasier

Wait a moment. Is that what all this current malaise is about? Heartbreak?

Kirby

No! I'm way over it. But you know what would be awesome is if I could go to the prom with some totally hot older chick like Roz. That would totally burn up Kristi. All my friends would be like "Whoa, she's so hot!"

Frasier

Kirby, you just put that thought completely out of your mind because....

Frasier

Kirby, if I could convince Roz to go to the prom with you, would you commit to learning this material? And think hard before you answer, because if it's "yes", you're in my house, mister.

Kirby

I'm in.

Frasier

Deal. Now listen, we'll just keep this between us. There's no need to tell your mom.

Kirby

No problem.

Frasier

Great.

Kirby

So, how you gonna get her to go with me?

Frasier

Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.

Kirby

[raising a fist] The Boss!

Frasier

No, Bruce Springsteen.

Kirby

You never said there was gonna be pop quizzes.

Frasier

That's the "pop" part. But don't despair, Kirby, you got nineteen out of twenty-five, well done. [laughs] Looks like you're well on your way to that prom. Now let's see that essay you wrote.

Martin

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...

Frasier

Dad, you mind? We're trying to work here.

Martin

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to raise Eddie's spirits. Today's that stupid doggy party he wasn't invited to.

Frasier

You still on that?

Martin

Eddie's the heart and soul of that doggy group. He's been goin' to that park for years. Half those people wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us. Now they're down there drinkin' beer and swappin' stories. Look at him, it's just breaking Eddie's heart.

Frasier

Eddie's fine, Dad. Seems you're the one who feels left out.

Martin

I do not! And it just so happens that we've got plans for this afternoon, anyway, big plans.

Martin

Hello? [nonchalant] Oh, hi, Roger. Oh, party? No, hadn't heard about it. Oh, really? Well, yeah I guess we could come down. Sure, okay. Well, uh, be right down. Okay, bye.

Martin

I knew it! The invite musta got lost in the mail. Well, see you later boys, it's party time!

Martin

[sheepish] Forgot the dog.

Frasier

This is fun.

Claire

It is. You know, I think restaurants are like museums. Great food, like great art, has the ability to both elevate and inspire.

Frasier

Oh, I so agree. But one must dine with some savoir faire. You won't get much out of it if you're just some Philistine walking in off the street.

Friend

Dude, fancy!

Kirby

[to Maitre D'] Hello, my good man. Reservation for Gardner.

Maitre D'

Of course. This way, please.

Kirby

[whispering to Roz] So, um, would you order some wine for us?

Roz

No. Let's get something straight: if you get drunk, the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it?

Kirby

Man, you're like a total prude, huh?

Roz

Yes, I am.

Maitre D'

[as they sit] Would any one of you like a drink?

Kirby

Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.

Roz

Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it. [to Kirby] Never order for your date, it's cheesy.

Frasier

And the lady will have the filet.

Frasier

Well, a toast: To this moment, too long delayed and too quick to pass.

Lana

Hey, you guys! Hi. What are you doing here? [gives Frasier a playful shove]

Claire

We're having a date.

Frasier

Yes, what are YOU doing here? [gives her a warning shove]

Lana

Oh, I'm looking for Kirby, it's his prom night, he left his camera at home.

Frasier

Kirby? Is here?

Lana

Somewhere, he said you told him about this place.

Frasier

Right, right. So I did.

Lana

Oh, there he is. See you guys later.

Frasier

[rising] Listen, Lana, Lana, wait! You know, maybe I should take the camera to the boy. I mean, seeing you here will only embarrass him.

Lana

Oh please, he's used to that. Besides, the one who should be embarrassed is that boy who's with his mother.

Claire

Lana is such a great mom. She really cares about her kids.

Frasier

She sure does.

Lana

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S WITH YOU?!?!

Frasier

Will you excuse me a moment?

Kirby

Mom, would you cool out?

Lana

How do you expect me to cool out when you're with... what are you, a hooker?

Roz

What?

Friend

You're a hooker?

Roz

No, I'm not!

Frasier

She works for me.

Friend

You're her pimp?

Maitre D'

Is there a problem?

Frasier

No, no, everything's perfectly fine.

Lana

You know this tramp?

Frasier

Yes, I do.

Roz

Frasier!

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry! Lana, please. This is all innocent enough. I only did this to motivate the boy.

Lana

By promising him sex?

Roz

You promised him sex?

Friend

You're gettin' sex!

Frasier

I did NOT promise him sex!

Lana

[grabs Kirby by the arm] You are coming with me!

Kirby

Mom, I'm not going.

Frasier

Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in exchange for his studying.

Lana

That's disgusting!

Frasier

It's no different than you promising me a date with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby.

Claire

Excuse me?

Frasier

Claire.

Claire

You traded me like a commodity?

Lana

Oh, get off your high horse!

Kirby

You tutored me to get to her?

Frasier

Kirby...

Claire

I can't believe you used me, Lana!

Lana

Well, get a little perspective here, my son's here with a prostitute!

Roz

[rising] If you call me that one more time, lady...!

Lana

Listen, sister, I'll call you anything I want to...!

Claire

What did you do, dangle me like bait?!

Roz

Who's the prostitute now?

Claire

Who the hell are you?

Lana

Sit down!

Kirby

You said you cared about my education, but you're just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty-seventh president!

Maitre D'

I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.

Lana

Fine with me. Kirby, let's go!

Kirby

I'm not goin' anywhere.

Claire

Well, I am.

Frasier

No, no, no, STOP IT EVERYBODY!

Frasier

Fellow diners, if you will all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you are going to pass history and you are going to graduate from high school. Roz, you are going to get your Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom your son could expect to have a thoroughly wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle. Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out of love for her son.

Frasier

And if I compromised my ethics, it was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by you.

Claire

Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.

Frasier

You have no idea.

Frasier

Hi, Lana, it's Frasier. Yeah, I was hoping I could uh, maybe switch times with Kirby tomorrow. Say, move it up to four o'clock, just after school? Great, great, good. Well, Claire and I have plans. Yeah, I guess we are hitting it off. [He laughs.] She said what about me? You're joking! Oh, you are joking. What DID she say about me? Really? Well, I guess it just proves she's a sucker for sophistication, taste and, dare I say it, old world charm.

Man

Hey buddy. If the cops come back around, can I stash something in your bag?

Frasier

I'll have to call you back.