A Day In May
Aired 22nd May 2001 · Written by Eric Zicklin & Lori Kirkland · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Roz
Hey, Daphne.
Daphne
Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz
We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne
Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.
Roz
Actually, he's being very nice about it. Mine's in the shop, and I'm taking Alice and a few of her friends to an ice cream party.
Frasier
[emerging from hallway] You told me it was your friends, and the Science Center!
Roz
He said, she said, we'll never know what really happened. Frasier, don't be so uptight. I'm not gonna hurt your precious car.
Frasier
I am not uptight, it's just that I've had some unfortunate experiences before loaning out my car.
Daphne
[going to the hall] I left an umbrella in the trunk.
Frasier
It was a wet umbrella!
Roz
Can I have the keys?
Frasier
[sighs] Yes, yes. [drops them in her hand] After all, what are fine possessions for if not to be used and enjoyed? [lugubrious] And who better to enjoy them than the delightful souls of small children?
Roz
I'll put a tarp in the backseat.
Frasier
Oh, bless you.
Niles
Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?
Roz
Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.
Frasier
You said you were getting a tune-up!
Roz
[as the elevator doors close] It needs one, trust me!
Niles
Is, uh, Daphne ready?
Frasier
Uh, actually I think she's in her room. You two have plans?
Niles
Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can you believe she's never been before?
Frasier
Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year?
Niles
Can you believe she's never been before?
Niles
Hey, Daphne!
Daphne
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Ready to go to the gardens?
Daphne
Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for a walk first. [kisses him]
Niles
Where's Dad?
Daphne
I don't know, he's been gone all morning.
Niles
Oh well, here, I'll take him for a quick walk.
Daphne
Oh no, he's gonna need more than that, or he'll go stir-crazy. He's gonna need a full hour at the dog park.
Niles
[checks his watch] We don't have time to go the dog park, the-the Tour of Succulents starts promptly at twelve. Uh, hey, Frasier, can you take him?
Frasier
No, I'm sorry, Niles. Roz has my car, you see, and Lana's coming by to pick me up for a tutoring session with Kirby.
Daphne
I'll just get Eddie's toys. [leaves]
Frasier
[on phone] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow, for a complete cleaning of my BMW. June 10th?! But I've got a Clean Team Privileges Card! Yes, of course it's a platinum one! [takes it out and looks] No, no there are no diamonds on the corner. Well, then yes, I'd like to become a member of the Diamond Alliance immediately. Fine, put me on the waiting list. I'll see you in June. [hangs up]
Niles
[needling] You're not in the Diamond Alliance?
Frasier
Don't do that!
Niles
So this is it.
Daphne
Mmm-hmm.
Niles
I'd hardly call this a dog park. [looks around] It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?
Daphne
Don't stare, it only encourages them.
Niles
Well, hurry up, Eddie, there's lots of exciting depravity to explore. [Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne
[takes out a short piece of thick rope] He wants to play a little fetch.
Niles
Oh.
Daphne
Well here, you throw it.
Niles
With my bare hands?
Daphne
Oh come on, it's fun.
Niles
[takes it] Ready? Here we go. And, fetch!
Niles
All right, I didn't give you enough of a challenge. Here, ready, ready? And, ho! [throws it farther] Go get it! [Eddie runs after it] I'm sorry, I was a bit of a grouch. This is actually a fine way to spend the day.
Daphne
Yeah...
Niles
In fact, it's kind of...
Niles
Hello. Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there?
Jim
Good boy, good boy! Sorry about that, Daphne, but what with the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank here, Eddie can't keep up with him.
Daphne
It's no problem, Jim. Uh, Niles, this is Jim Grady and Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend.
Niles
[shaking hands] Pleasure.
Jim
Boyfriend? Ah, I should have known. It seems like every time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time you're single I'm in a relationship.
Daphne
Yeah, that's true.
Jim
I guess we just don't have-
Daphne
Timing!
Jim
-good... [Daphne laughs] And I'm a drummer!
Niles
Which, uh, makes it even more ironic!
Jim
Tank, that's rude! Now, chill. [Tank obeys]
Niles
Wow.
Daphne
Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's gonna get food.
Niles
Or one of my socks! [laughs, no one else does] But mostly food.
Jim
Well, it's all in the voice tone, really. Any dog can learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie. You, uh, want me to show you?
Daphne
I'd love it.
Jim
Come on. [she gets up]
Niles
Yeah, we'd all love it!
Niles
Oh uh, you guys, uh... [but they're gone] Be right back. [sits and answers] Hello?!
Martin
Hi Niles, it's me. I just wanted to make sure Daphne took Eddie for a walk, I completely forgot about it this morning.
Niles
Yeah, yeah, we're in the dog park now. Uh, where are you, anyway?
Martin
Uh, I'm at the track. Uh, had an itch for it when I woke up, and so just I dropped everything and went. Uh, I'm at the window... [puts the phone to his shoulder] I'll have a trifecta in the eighth. [into phone] All right, gotta run.
Niles
Wait, uh-
Frasier
Well, I didn't realize that I was going to be selling houses with you today! Why didn't you just drop me off and then come on your own?
Lana
Stop whining! It'll only take a minute. I hope we don't run into the sad sack who owns this place.
Lana
I've been trying to sell this house for over a year! But he keeps driving away every potential buyer.
Frasier
How does he do that?
Phillip
Oh... hi. I heard a woman's voice, I thought it might be my wife coming back to me.
Lana
[as if to a child] No. She lives in Portland now, with her new husband, Lamar, remember? [Phillip nods sadly] Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip Donovan, the current owner.
Frasier
Hello.
Phillip
Hi.
Lana
Well, see you later Phillip!
Phillip
Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and threw it to the dogs - which she also took.
Frasier
Well, uh, at least you're... getting out at the top of the market!
Lana
Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think today is the day!
Phillip
[opening the box] Oh, no!
Lana
Oh, God!
Frasier
What's wrong?
Phillip
The damn basement must have flooded again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap she wore home from the hospital, ruined; Danny's first soccer uniform, ruined!
Frasier
Well, you know, I have an excellent drycleaner-
Lana
[hissed] No!
Frasier
Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet pantaloons. [off their looks] Well, it's a long story. But, uh, he had it out in under a minute!
Lana
Frasier, just give him the address.
Frasier
Yes, yes...
Phillip
[shows him some pictures] I have two sons and two daughters. The perfect American family... until that bastard Lamar showed up to snake our drains. Now all I have left are weekend visits, and a few treasures from their childhood.
Phillip
Like this house little Danny and I made at day camp. Oh, thank goodness, it made it through unscathed. Just a little water damage in the basement. Just like this house...
Frasier
Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get easier.
Phillip
Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm dressed.
Lana
Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is to make a killing on this house! Now, don't you think you should get back to work?
Phillip
I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself. [gets up]
Lana
OK, here we go. [he heads toward the front] No, not the front door! Let's go out the side door. [steers him] It's good to see you again, Phillip, I'll call you when we sell the place, bye!
Frasier
Good lord, that man is obviously in pain, the least you could be is a little sympathetic!
Lana
I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days!
Frasier
Well, so where are these so-called buyers of yours? You told me they'd be here in a few minutes.
Lana
Well, they're obviously running late, OK? It'll give us time to go over the plan.
Frasier
What, what, there's a plan?
Lana
Well, sure. When the Smolenskis get here, you act like you want the house. You know, a little competition, put a little pressure on the deal.
Frasier
You're asking me to be your shill?
Lana
[slaps her forehead in mock surprise] That's the word! Yes, yes! Now listen, you don't have to say anything!
Frasier
I'm sorry, no!
Lana
Well, why not?! Well, look, OK, all you have to do is walk around with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll fill in the rest!
Frasier
I will do no such thing!
Lana
Why won't you help me?!
Frasier
Because I refuse to lie for you!
Lana
Oh fine, then go wait in the car!
Frasier
I never wanted to leave the car!
Lana
Oh, just get out!
Frasier
All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles, and something they call, uh, "Bomb Pops!"
Lana
I called the Smolenskis, I bought us a little extra time.
Frasier
Right, good, good. All right, let's spread out some paper and then build us a house!
Lana
So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do you justify faking this thing?
Frasier
Well... we're simply protecting the feelings of an innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that.
Lana
Uh-huh. [holds up a piece] So, uh, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I?
Frasier
[It's a dirty job, but] I'll do it.
Jim
Sit. Wave, wave. All right, hide your eyes, hide your eyes. Hide 'em...
Niles
Hey Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but...you have substance. She knows that.
Daphne
[coming back] How amazing is Jim? He's so connected to animals, it's almost magical.
Niles
Daphne, I've been musing about you and me, and I have a thought.
Daphne
Yeah?
Niles
In every healthy relationship, I may ask for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand.
Daphne
What do you mean?
Niles
Uh, a thing we insist the other do or not do, and the other one has to do it or not do it, without question.
Daphne
Is that fair?
Niles
It is. Because we each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship.
Daphne
Well, if it's important to you.
Niles
Then it's agreed?
Daphne
Agreed.
Niles
Good... oh, I've got mine!
Daphne
Already?
Niles
Yes. Uh, I want you to promise never to come to this dog park again.
Daphne
What?
Niles
I know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable - but that's the beauty of the irrational demand.
Daphne
Is this about Jim?
Niles
The, uh, demand cannot be scrutinized. It is, by definition, irrational.
Daphne
And are you sure this is how you want to use your only one?
Niles
Absolutely. I've thought this through, a lot. Irrationally, of course.
Daphne
OK, if you're sure. I promise never to come to this dog park again.
Niles
Thank you. I knew you'd understand. [kisses her]
Jim
All right, we're going home. Tank needs to re-hydrate, and, oof, I'm late for a deltoid workout.
Daphne
Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim.
Jim
Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first raft tour in Chile.
Niles
Really?
Jim
Yeah.
Niles
Wow, when do you get back?
Daphne
Oh, he's not coming back. He's moving there. [to Jim] Good luck, Jim.
Jim
Yes, you too. [hugs her; to Niles] And, uh, stay cool, buddy.
Niles
Oh, you know it.
Daphne
[sighs] I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand... oh, what's my rush? I've got years to think it over.
Joanne
Hi, Martin.
Martin
Hello, Joanne.
Joanne
How have you been?
Martin
Pretty good. Oh please, have a seat.
Joanne
Thanks. [sits] I was worried I was going to be late with all that construction going on.
Martin
Yeah, I know, it's a mess.
Joanne
How's your hip?
Martin
Ah, you learn to live with it.
Joanne
I think about you a lot, you know. I've wanted to call, but... I don't know.
Martin
I understand, it's OK.
Joanne
So... another year has gone by.
Martin
Yeah. Time really flies.
Joanne
I guess it goes a little slower for me.
Frasier
How's our roof coming?
Lana
Almost done.
Frasier
Good. [looks at her] You know, there was a time back in high school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a popsicle.
Frasier
It was a long time ago.
Lana
I think it's kind of funny that we became friends.
Frasier
We're friends?
Lana
Well, sure we are. Why wouldn't you think so?
Frasier
Oh, dear...
Lana
Nice going, dipstick! [takes a tissue and wipes his shirt]
Frasier
It's a brand-new shirt.
Lana
I hear a car. It's the Smolenskis. [gets up] OK, keep working.
Frasier
Right.
Lana
I gotta go up to Phil's room and spray some air freshener around. His room reeks of... I don't know, despair!
Mrs. Smolenski
It's even nicer than I remember!
Mrs. Smolenski
Well, hello there! Are you having fun making your little house?
Lana
Oh, there you are! Hi - oh, I see you've met Frasier. I am so glad you came today, because the interest on this place is really heating up!
Mr. Smolenski
Well, we're certainly interested as well, but we've- we've heard that a lot of homes in this area have a flooding problem. Now, what do you know about the basement here?
Lana
Honestly?
Mr. Smolenski
Yes.
Lana
This house is sixty years old, and I have only heard of it flooding once.
Mr. Smolenski
Oh!
Lana
And I could tell you for a fact that the permanent owner stores some of his most cherished keepsakes in that basement.
Mrs. Smolenski
Are you choking on your lolly?
Frasier
[takes out popsicle] No. I am choking on something far more dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's a prolific and powerful poison known as: deception!
Mrs. Smolenski
He's very verbal!
Lana
Oh, you know, I just remembered! Gosh, you know, the owner did mention something about a recent little moisture problem downstairs. Tell you what, why don't I give him a call and see if he'll come down just a tiny bit in the price?
Mrs. Smolenski
Oh, that'd be wonderful!
Mr. Smolenski
If he could give us a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer.
Lana
Oh, great! I'll call you tonight.
Mrs. Smolenski
Thank you.
Mr. Smolenski
[to Frasier] Bye, sonny.
Lana
[as they leave] Call you tonight!
Frasier
There now, you see? You did the right thing. That wasn't so bad, was it?
Lana
I guess not. Oh, look at our little house, it looks great!
Frasier
Say, you know, we got a few extra popsicle sticks left, why don't we add on a half a bath?
Frasier
You know, Lana, I think the house should go the other way around - with the door facing the couch. [off her look] Feng Shui!
Lana
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Frasier
Ah, perfect.
Lana
Perfect.
Frasier
Now you see, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? It's like breathing a breath of fresh air, and-
Lana
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go!
Frasier
Oh, all right.
Roz
OK, Alice, before we see Uncle Frasier, let's remember together what really happened.
Roz
Now, did you throw up in Uncle Frasier's car?
Roz
No-you-didn't. That smell was there before, wasn't it?
Roz
That's-my-girl. [holds out a pack of M&M's] There you go.
David
And besides the library assignment, I've been taking a computer class on Wednesdays. I hope to get a job with computers... when I get out.
1st BM
Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?
David
Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry.
2nd BM
The victim is here. Mr. Crane? [Martin stands up] Would you like to make a statement?
Martin
I have nothing to say. [sits back down]
3rd BM
Would you give us a moment?
3rd BM
Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery — and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied.