Cranes Go Carribean
Aired 22th May, 2001 · Written by Mark Reismanand Rob Hanning · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Frasier
Oh, Niles? Listen, when Claire gets here, can you give us a moment of privacy, please?
Niles
Of course.
Frasier
Actually, I'm planning on asking her to go to Belize with me next weekend.
Niles
Oh, Belize-imo!
Frasier
You'd better Belize it!
Niles
Let's see what we can do with "Ecuador."
Frasier
Maybe later.
Niles
Wait, next weekend? That's awfully soon, I hope Claire's free.
Frasier
Yes, well actually Lana told me on the Q-T that Claire's already gotten wind of the trip, and she's eager to go. So all that's left for me to do is ask her and act surprised when she says "Yes."
Niles
Wow.
Frasier
So, are you jealous?
Niles
Well, I might be jealous, but as it happens, I have plans next weekend myself. You know Daphne and I are celebrating one year of being together.
Frasier
Niles, that's wonderful. Gosh. So, what do you have in store?
Niles
Oh, a weekend alone at my apartment. You see, we don't need beaches or sunsets, just a simple Victorian bathtub filled with champagne, us, and a non-slip mat.
Frasier
It's romantic and yet prudent. Very good.
Niles
Thank you very much.
Frasier
Here's where I'm taking Claire. Do you think she'll like it?
Niles
Lush grounds, white sandy beaches, this hotel looks amazing, she's going to love it!
Frasier
Oh, Niles, I also took the liberty of buying myself a new piece of luggage by Moritzio. Would you care to see it?
Niles
Moritzio?! Try and stop me! I'm green with envy!
Daphne
Oh, hello, Claire.
Claire
Hi, Daphne. You seem so happy. What?
Daphne
Well it seems Niles is going to surprise me with an exotic trip for our anniversary.
Claire
How funny. You know, Frasier...
Daphne
I'm so excited. We've only recently started going away together. We wanted to wait until we got to know each other better.
Claire
Really?
Daphne
I know, it sounds old fashioned. But there's nothing worse for a relationship than moving too fast.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Claire.
Niles
Hello.
Claire
Oh, hi.
Daphne
I've just been telling Claire about our anniversary plans.
Niles
Oh, yes! There's no place like home.
Daphne
Right, home.
Frasier
Claire, listen, uh, I know this is coming out of the blue, but how would you like to go away with me next weekend, to Belize?
Claire
That sounds wonderful, Frasier.
Frasier
[sitting beside her] I thought you might say that.
Claire
Only... do you think maybe it's too soon for us to go away together?
Frasier
Well, I, I don't know. Do you?
Claire
I don't know.
Frasier
Well, I'd hate for us go away before we're ready.
Claire
So are you saying we're not ready?
Frasier
I... don't know. Are you?
Claire
I don't know. I just don't want to jeopardize our relationship.
Frasier
Would we be?
Claire
I don't know.
Frasier
Well, if we don't know, maybe we should wait.
Claire
Okay, you know best.
Daphne
So Niles...
Niles
Mm-Hmm?
Daphne
About our anniversary weekend, I'm trying to figure out what to bring. Will your apartment be warm that weekend, or unseasonably cold?
Niles
Well, I keep the thermostat at a steady seventy-one, but I'm flexible within a degree or two.
Daphne
Will we snorkel?
Niles
Daphne, you're making me blush.
Daphne
Oh, Niles, stop it. I know about the trip to Belize! I'm sorry, I overheard you talking to your brother. Trust you to plan something so romantic!
Niles
That isn't what...
Daphne
Stop the charade! A bathtub full of champagne, please! We used to do that in high school!
Frasier
Well, turns out I'm not going to Belize after all. Claire thinks it may be too soon for us to go away together. Or I do. I forget who spoke last.
Niles
Well, I'm so sorry. You must be devastated.
Frasier
Well...
Niles
Can I have your reservations?
Frasier
Excuse me?
Niles
Well, I've decided to go away with Daphne for our anniversary.
Frasier
Why not? At least one of us should have the most romantic weekend of his life.
Niles
Thank you Frasier. I only wish it could be you. Do you suppose I could borrow your new luggage? [off Frasier's look] That's too far.
Daphne
Well, it's official. Niles is whisking me away next weekend. I'm so excited. Each trip just gets better and better.
Claire
[rising] Because you waited.
Daphne
I suppose, but looking back I can't believe we held off for so long. All the fun we missed. Let's face it, when it's the right person, there's no sense in waiting.
Frasier
Well, here we are, Claire.
Claire
Thank you. Frasier, about Belize...
Frasier
[sitting] Now, now, Claire, we've made our decision and I think it's a good one.
Claire
Maybe it's not too soon to go away.
Frasier
Go on.
Claire
Are we possibly denying ourselves a wonderful trip?
Frasier
Well, examining it from all angles, one could certainly make a case...
Claire
Let's go!
Frasier
I'm already packed!
Claire
Oh, I better run!
Frasier
[rising] I thought we were having lunch.
Claire
Well, if we're going to Belize, I've got some shopping to do.
Frasier
What do you mean "if"?
Claire
What do you mean?
Frasier
Just go shop!
Claire
Ahh, bye!
Frasier
Bye-bye.
Frasier
Niles, I'm sorry, it turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go someplace else.
Niles
Wait! Daphne has her heart set on Belize!
Frasier
Niles, this is not "Cranes Go Caribbean", I want to be alone with Claire!
Martin
Hey guys.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Dad.
Roz
Hi, guys. Ariel, come and say hello to Frasier and Niles.
Roz
Say hello.
Niles
Hello.
Roz
Say hello.
Frasier
Hello.
Roz
Say hello!
Frasier
Yes, all right, Roz, that's enough, please.
Roz
Ariel just joined Martin's dog group at the park.
Martin
Eddie was his sponsor!
Roz
And Ariel discovered squirrels. I discovered I'm not the only woman using my dog to meet men. Apparently we also hunt in packs. Come on, let's go get some water.
Martin
Hey, Frasier, I got a little favor to ask you. Duke and I are going on a fishing trip next weekend, and I need you to look after Eddie.
Frasier
Actually, I've got plans next weekend, Dad. Where are you going?
Martin
Belize! Yeah, I saw that brochure you had lyin' around. The fishing looks fantastic, not to mention the sandy beaches, the lush grounds...
Frasier
Yes, Dad, I'm familiar with it. That's where I'm taking Claire.
Niles
And I'm going with Daphne. [Frasier glares at him.] Well, if he's goin', I'm goin'!
Martin
Great!
Frasier
What the hell. The more the merrier.
Frasier
Oh, by the way, thanks for driving me and Claire to the airport.
Lana
Frasier, please, are you kidding? Because of you, my Kirby got a "B" in history. A "B."
Frasier
Yes, it turned out well for both of us. For once, somebody else got the grade and I got the girl.
Lana
God, I just hope Claire is waiting outside. This traffic is terrible.
Lana
I didn't know you smoked.
Frasier
I don't. The way you're driving I'm not gonna die of natural causes anyway.
Lana
Give me that. Do you have a problem with my driving?
Frasier
No, no, it's fine. Just wish you'd pick a lane, that's all.
Lana
Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick. Well, you're certainly an expert at that.
Frasier
What is that supposed to mean?
Lana
It means... that nothing is ever good enough for you. You complain about everything.
Frasier
That is not true!
Lana
Oh, come on, Frasier! I have been out with you! "The wine has turned." "The silver has tarnished." "The service is too slow." "The cheese is runny."
Frasier
Fine, it was Camembert. If anything, it wasn't runny enough. Yes, I may have exacting standards, but what you choose to characterize as fault-finding, I think of as my steadfast refusal to settle.
Lana
Please! This Newport is more alive with pleasure than you are. The truth is, Frasier, you don't know how to be happy.
Frasier
That is ridiculous.
Lana
Admit it. You know I'm right.
Frasier
Want to see me happy? You leave more than half a car length between us and that Taurus.
Frasier
At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.
Manager
Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane? I understand your room is not satisfactory?
Frasier
YES, I HAD A RESERVATION FOR AN OCEAN-VIEW SUITE AND INSTEAD I GOT A SINGLE ROOM OVERLOOKING AN ABANDONED BUS!
Manager
Please, sir, you don't have to yell.
Frasier
OH, I'M SORRY. YOU SEE, MY EARS GOT CLOGGED SOMEWHERE ABOVE OAXACA AND THEY HAVEN'T POPPED YET! NOW IF I COULD JUST GET THE ROOM THAT I RESERVED...
Manager
I'm afraid we gave your room away. Check in time is three o'clock and we never heard from you.
Frasier
LET ME SEE... AT THREE O'CLOCK, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAD JUST DISEMBARKED IN PUNTA GORDA FROM OUR PLANE, THAT WAS LATE BECAUSE THE PILOT HAD TO DUST SOME CROPS. I COULD HAVE CALLED DURING MY CONNECTING TRACTOR RIDE, BUT I HAD TO FIND OUT WHICH OF FOUR AIRLINES HAD LOST MY LUGGAGE, NOT TO MENTION... my ears just popped!
Manager
Congratulations, sir.
Frasier
I still want a better room!
Claire
FRASIER, THIS PLACE IS WONDERFUL! YOU SHOULD SEE THE POOL!
Frasier
It's all right, my ears are better now.
Claire
Oh! Well, that's good news.
Frasier
Yes, we're on a roll.
Daphne
Well, look who's here.
Niles
Well hello there. We thought you'd decided to hide in your hotel room all weekend.
Claire
Well, actually, we just got here, we missed our flight this morning.
Daphne
Oh dear, what happened?
Frasier
Well, Lana happened. We were on our way to the airport...
Claire
Frasier, please. They don't need to hear the whole story and God knows I'm good for a while.
Niles
So, who's up for a drink?
Daphne
Oh, yes, you've got to try a Belize Bomber. Couple of those and you'll be flying. Come on.
Niles
Yes, plus every one you kill they put a decal on your coconut.
Frasier
You go ahead Claire, I'm still working on our room.
Niles
Frasier, this vacation is going to do you good. This place is completely freeing. Would you believe today I dabbled in public nudity? Daphne and I found a secluded cove on the beach. We shed our garments and surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea and one rather curious grouper.
Frasier
Don't you have a diary?
Martin
Well, look who finally got here!
Frasier
Hi, Dad.
Martin
Fras, how was your flight?
Niles
Oh, don't poke the bear, Dad. How was fishing?
Martin
Oh, Duke and I caught the biggest marlin you've ever seen. The swells were huge, it took us two hours to reel it in.
Niles
Where's Duke?
Martin
He's up in his room. Sunburned, heaving his guts out. You guys oughta come out tomorrow.
Hostess
Sir? Your table is ready.
Martin
Oh, thanks. Fras, why don't you and Claire join us?
Frasier
Oh, no thanks Dad. We've reserved a romantic table for two at the water's edge.
Martin
Oh, say no more.
Martin
Well, I've gone on long enough about fishing. What'd you guys do today?
Niles
Oh, you know, took a swim, got some sun.
Martin
Well, just make sure you keep your suits on. The skipper of the fishing boat has a telephoto lens. He posts the photos in the bait shop under "Catch of the Day."
Martin
Oh, look who decided to join us.
Frasier
Right.
Martin
What happened to your table?
Frasier
Well, we waited an eternity for our table but it never opened up.
Claire
Frasier, this is fine. Let's just turn our chairs around. Look, ocean view.
Frasier
Oh, all right.
Waiter
Would you like a menu?
Niles
Oh, you know what? You have got to get the John Dory.
Daphne
No, it can't be any better than this halibut.
Martin
No, don't listen to 'em. These soft-shelled crabs are meltin' in my mouth.
Waiter
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of all three.
Frasier
Wonderful. Well, what fish do you have?
Waiter
We make a decent swordfish.
Frasier
"Decent"? That's what I traveled four thousand miles for? "Decent"? You should put that on your menu: Home of the Decent…
Claire
I'll have the swordfish.
Frasier
Right. Swordfish is fine, thank you.
Claire
Frasier, what's the matter?
Frasier
Didn't you hear? They're out of everything...
Claire
Frasier! We've both had a long day, but we're here now, why can't you make the most of it?
Frasier
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know, you're right. Okay, not another word.
Martin
Well, as long as everyone's here, I'd like to make a toast.
Frasier
All righty.
Martin
Uh, there's nothing gives me greater joy than to see both my boys happy.
Daphne
Mr. Crane, is something the matter.
Martin
AHH, it's reelin' that fish in today, my arms are shot. I'll be all right. Anyway, what I wanted to say was- AHHH!
Niles
Dad, don't be a hero. Put down the coconut.
Martin
Well, I just want to say that I'm not the only fisherman in the family. In fact, I'm not even the best one. One year ago, after seven years of trying to get her to bite, Niles finally hooked Daphne. And I think we'd all agree that she's quite a catch.
Daphne
Oh, thank you.
Martin
And Claire, I just want you to know how glad we are that you're here. I don't remember Frasier being this happy in a long time.
Frasier
Out of swordfish too?
Waiter
I'm sorry sir, may I suggest the pepper steak?
Frasier
Steak? That's what we should eat at Belize's finest seafood restaurant? There's an ocean full of fresh fish not fifteen feet away, but why not try a slab of artery-clogging, hormone- injected, frozen red meat instead?!?!
Frasier
I'm sorry Dad. Please continue.
Martin
No, that's all right, I'm done.
Claire
Actually, I think I am, too. Excuse me.
Frasier
[rising] Oh, Claire. Claire!
Martin
You didn't tell me you had steak here!
Frasier
Claire?
Claire
[calling from the bathroom] Yes?
Frasier
Listen, uh... I, I don't blame you for wanting to leave, but before you go, I, I'd just like to say that I'm really sorry for getting so upset. You see, it's just that since I met you, I thought... I've thought you were pretty much perfect for me. And I guess I just wanted our first trip together to be perfect too. I think it still can be. What can I say to convince you to stay?
Frasier
I see I'm off to a pretty good start.
Claire
Frasier, I wasn't going to leave. I'm crazy about you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here with me.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, nothing could be further from the truth.
Claire
I mean, this weekend doesn't have to be perfect, let's just try to have fun.
Frasier
Fun? Oh, I can do that. Fun's been my nickname since math camp.
Claire
Math camp? You're just trying to get me into bed.
Frasier
I must say, this trip has certainly taken a turn for the better. I'll tell you something else: I'm happy. Utterly and completely happy.
Lana
I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy too.
Claire
Frasier? Frasier? Frasier? Are you okay? You were talking in your sleep.
Frasier
Oh, yes, I'm okay, I'm fine. Go back to sleep.
Frasier
Hi, it's me, Frasier. Listen, I'm aware of the time, it's just that... Well, you're the last person on Earth I thought I'd be calling but I had this dream and I had to talk to you about it.
Lilith
Oh, God. I suppose you expect me to be awake for this conversation, don't you?
Frasier
Okay, I'll be brief. It's just that I'm on vacation with my girlfriend Claire, a woman who by all conventional standards is perfect for me, and yet I just had a vivid sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely.
Lilith
A man?
Frasier
Not that different.
Lilith
Someone you've slept with?
Frasier
Well, yes, but it didn't work out. You see, I worshipped her for years, but then we had a parting of the ways because it turns out she was just unpleasant, confrontational, self- centered...
Lilith
Frasier, if you're dreaming about me, just say it.
Frasier
No, Lilith, it's not you. It's a woman named Lana.
Lilith
Well, it seems like a textbook simple dream. Why are you calling me?
Frasier
Well, because you know me better than anybody else, and you're a terrific psychiatrist.
Lilith
Thank you.
Frasier
So what do you think?
Lilith
As a working hypothesis, I'd say you have the hots for Lana.
Frasier
No, no, you see. maybe I'm not making myself clear. You see, the woman irritates me to no end. She's antagonistic and, and opinionated. Critical...
Lilith
Oh, so I see. What you're saying is unlike most women you've dated, she challenges you.
Frasier
Well, maybe so, that's not the point. You see Claire is perfect for me.
Lilith
All right. Why does this dream about Lana upset you?
Frasier
I don't know.
Lilith
Are you sure?
Frasier
Lilith? Do you think I know how to be happy?
Lilith
Of course you do. You just like a challenge. You've never been one to take the easy road.
Frasier
Well, it seems I've skidded right off the road this time and into a ditch. A deep one.
Lilith
Well, you could try to throw it into reverse and spin your wheels for a while. Or you could get out into the ditch and get a little dirty.
Frasier
I see. Lana's the ditch, right?
Lilith
It's your metaphor.
Frasier
Yes, well I guess I've got some thinking to do. Thanks for talking, Lilith.
Lilith
Any time. I love you Frasier.
Frasier
I love you too.