The Bad Son

Skyline

Doppler Waves radiate from the tip of the Space Needle as if

Roz

Rule number one: always stand in back of the curb until the bus has come to a complete stop. Now take your money and put it right in here.

Frasier

Yes, thank you, Roz, but I am not completely lacking in street smarts. [to the driver] Good day, busman. The northwest corner of Highland and 1st, please.

Driver

That's not a stop.

Frasier

I know. [takes out a dollar bill] Perhaps if I just shove a little encouragement into this box-

Roz

Come on!

Roz

Keep your eyes peeled for a seat, and hold on to a pole.

Frasier

Doesn't look very clean, Roz.

Roz

[looks down] Well, would you rather wind up on the floor?

Frasier

[looks down] Dear God!

Miranda

[British accent] Francine!

Francine

Miranda! Oh, long time. How are things at the Colonnade?

Miranda

Oh, just for you, a mess. Things have gotten so crazy there, they put me in charge.

Francine

Oh, that's great! You deserve it.

Miranda

Oh, thank you. How are you doing?

Roz

[whispering] Which one are you staring at?

Frasier

I'm not staring. That would be rude.

Roz

Which one?

Frasier

Blonde.

Roz

Why don't you go over and talk to her?

Frasier

Oh please, Roz, come on, the woman's a perfect stranger.

Roz

Stranger? You know her name, you know she has a job, you know she's attractive. It's like an A&E biography compared to what I used to know going in.

Frasier

Gosh, look at me - soaked through, hair's a mess.

Roz

Believe me, you could look a lot worse.

Frasier

After I specifically told people on the air not to do that!

Roz

Look, why don't you go over and talk to her? It's not like you'll ever see her again if she shoots you down.

Frasier

Perhaps you're right. What harm could it do? [looks at her again] My goodness - who would have thought that such a rare butterfly could exist in this tin cocoon?

Roz

Hey, for your information, plenty of refined, sophisticated women ride the bus every... Open your eyes, nimrod, that was my stop!

Roz

[as she's leaving] Good luck.

Miranda

Oh please, take mine.

Frasier

[gets up] Oh, uh, you'd better take mine, too. That way you can spread out. Well, not that you need to spread out, actually, uh, well, right... it's my first time on a bus.

Frasier

Excuse me, Miss? Uh, Miranda!

Martin

Well Duke, how's the weather in Florida? Eighty-two! Oh, I sure envy you. Yes, none of the rain here. Yeah, Channel Four said it should clear up tomorrow, but the Channel Five guy said probably not till the weekend.

Martin

Yeah, then there's the Weather Channel. Early-morning guy said it'll probably break by Saturday, but then the mid- morning guy... what do you mean, you got to go? Shuffleboard? Oh come on, Duke, get a life!

Daphne

Hey, Niles! I thought you were working.

Niles

Well, the patient cancelled, so I thought I'd drop by and see you. [breathless] Oh my God, you have no idea how good it feels to say that! I'm here to see you! No more flimsy pretenses. No more making tedious small talk with Dad.

Martin

Hey Niles, it's eighty-two in Florida!

Niles

Here to see Daphne, Dad!

Daphne

Well, I'd better check on the roast in the oven. It's three- seventy-five in there!

Martin

All right, no more weather talk. Probably just getting a little stir-crazy from being cooped up for two weeks. But won't be too much longer. It'll all end with the meteor shower on Saturday, if you can believe those Channel Seven Doppler guys. Ooh, I wonder what they're up to.

Daphne

You know that meteor shower we had a few years ago?

Niles

Oh please, don't remind me. I was over here having dinner with Maris. I will never forget that night.

Daphne

Neither will I. I've never seen a person cut a caper in half.

Niles

No, no, I was out on the terrace witnessing this incredible display, and I was absolutely miserable. Now I know it's because I would much rather have been sharing that moment with you.

Daphne

Well, I'm here now. Why don't we watch it together this Saturday?

Niles

Oh Daphne, that's a wonderful idea! We'll-we'll recreate the entire moment, right there on the terrace, right down to the last detail. Except we'll be together. And instead of serving the '92 Dom Perignon, we'll serve the '90, and we'll right two horrible wrongs!

Martin

Wow. Frasier, what happened?

Frasier

What happened? I went six months without replacing my pollen filter in my car, so it was in the shop. Couldn't get a cab, so I took the bus home. Which splashed me! And I fell down, missed my stop, and had to walk home ten blocks in this downpour!

Niles

You went six months without changing your pollen filter?!

Daphne

Looks like you could use a spot of tea.

Frasier

Desperately!

Daphne

What'll it be, then? I've got Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Chamomile, Orange Pekoe, Oolong, Lapsang Sou-

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, just throw a bag in some hot water! [pause] Earl Grey.

Martin

Hey Fras, I know it's not your thing, but Duke sent me a couple of tickets for tomorrow's Sonics game. You want to go?

Frasier

I've got plans.

Martin

What plans?

Frasier

Just plans.

Martin

Well, if you don't want to go, just tell me.

Frasier

I don't want to go.

Martin

Would it kill you to spend one night with me?!

Frasier

For God's sake, I spend every night with you! God knows, I have done my best to keep you entertained, but in the seven years since you've landed at my doorstep, have you ever known me once to show any interest in basketball?!

Niles

You know I'd go, Dad, but I have the quilt show.

Martin

Please Niles, I feel bad enough already.

Frasier

Care for a sherry, Niles?

Niles

Thank you. [Frasier pours two] Little rough on Dad, weren't you?

Frasier

Oh, I suppose so. It's just been a rotten day. You don't even know the topper — there was an enchanting young woman on the bus. Just when I'd worked up enough nerve to go and talk to her, I slipped on something that I can only hope was an old burrito! Before I could manage to get up, she was gone.

Niles

Well, I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.

Frasier

Wait a minute. You know, I did happen to overhear her name, and where she works.

Niles

Well then, what are you waiting for? Seize the day! You think I got together with Daphne by just sitting around? Take a chapter from my book.

Frasier

Exactly what chapter would that be?

Niles

[admitting] The last chapter.

Frasier

Yes. Suppose I did go and talk with her? What would I say? "I spied on you on the bus, and I've managed to hunt you down here where you work, would you care to have dinner sometime?" I might as well just lop off my ear and mail it to her.

Niles

No, just pretend you're there on business. Where does she work?

Frasier

It's a retirement home.

Niles

Oh... oh, well, uh, tell her you're there looking for someplace for Dad. In fact, bring him along for cover.

Frasier

No, no, you know how he hates those places. He'd never agree to it.

Niles

Well, he doesn't need to. Just take him to the game tomorrow, and make an unannounced stop on the way.

Frasier

So you're suggesting that I-I go crawling back to Dad, beg him to let me take him to the basketball game, use him to meet a pretty girl, and sit through a sport I loathe.

Niles

All right, I see your point.

Frasier

No, I'm just trying to get the sequence right. [heads to the kitchen] Oh, Dad!

Martin

You could have told me we were stopping here when we left for the game.

Frasier

If you'd known that, you never would have agreed to come.

Martin

Well, you didn't have to trick me. I mean, I would never do anything like that to you.

Frasier

It seems someone is forgetting sending Niles and me off to Boy Scout Camp to earn our "Opera Badges!"

Frasier

Oh, there she is! All right, now listen, remember, you're interested in living here.

Martin

All right, but I don't want to be late for the game.

Frasier

Excuse me, uh, I'm Frasier Crane, this is my father Martin.

Miranda

Hello.

Frasier

We're interested in finding out a bit more about the Colonnade. Is there someone we could talk to?

Miranda

Oh well, I'm the director here, Miranda Rogers. Um, why don't I get you a couple of brochures, and if you like what you see, you can fill out an application.

Martin

Application?

Miranda

It only takes about twenty minutes.

Martin

Twenty minutes?

Frasier

Yes, Dad, application, twenty minutes. [to Miranda] He likes to repeat things, it's a soothing mechanism. [strokes Martin's hair, speaking carefully] Twenty-minutes, twenty-minutes.

Miranda

You're very patient with him. I'll be right back.

Martin

You didn't say I'd have to put anything in writing. You haven't even seen her before, have you? You're trying to put me in here for real!

Frasier

No, I'm not!

Martin

Well, you said you met her on the bus, I knew that story was full of holes!

Frasier

For God's sake, will you just stop it? No one's going to put you anywhere!

Martin

You're damn right they're not, because I'm not filling out any application! So will you hurry up and make your date, and let's get off this ice floe!

Miranda

You know, I'm starting a tour in a few minutes, it'd be a good way to get your questions answered.

Frasier

Oh, that's a splendid idea.

Martin

A tour?

Frasier

Yes, Dad, a tour. [strokes his hair again] A-tour. Now come along.

Miranda

As you can see, we're a full service facility...

Martin

Will you hurry up and ask her? If we move any slower in this place they're gonna start harvesting our organs!

Frasier

All right! It's kind of difficult with all these people around.

Martin

Well, the game's already started. Two minutes, and I'm calling a cab.

Frasier

All right, all right.

Lee

Hey, I know you. McGinty's, right?

Martin

Yeah, Marty Crane.

Lee

Yeah, Lee Zeppowitz.

Martin

Hi, Lee.

Lee

Hey, we could really use a fourth for poker, if you're moving in.

Martin

Oh jeez, no, I'm sorry. I'm just here to do a favor for my son. We're on our way over to the ballgame.

Lee

Uh-huh. They told me I was going to the Space Needle.

Frasier

Thanks for the tour.

Miranda

Oh, you're welcome. If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Frasier

Well actually, you know, I do have, uh, one more question, um... do you think it'd be possible to have dinner sometime?

Miranda

Oh, sure. Um, come by with your father around five tomorrow and I'll set you up at the cafeteria. I should warn you tomorrow's steak night, so be prepared to throw a few elbows! [laughs] And you just asked me out on a date, didn't you?

Frasier

Yes, but that was before I knew it was steak night.

Miranda

Sure, why not? Um, how about this weekend?

Frasier

Well, that's-that's great. Uh, I'll-I'll call you.

Miranda

Okay. Um, you know, I-I don't normally date people I've just met, but you seem like such a nice person. I can tell by the way you are with your father.

Frasier

Yes, well, we're very close.

Frasier

All right, Dad, I checked and the rain's letting up a bit.

Frasier

Niles! What are you doing here?

Niles

Daphne and I are watching the meteor shower on the terrace.

Frasier

No, you're not, I have a date! [turns off the stereo]

Niles

That's tonight?!

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

Well-well-well, what are we gonna do?

Frasier

I don't know. Uh, go to the roof.

Niles

We can't do that, we're having a recreation!

Niles

Oh, you'll never believe this. Frasier wants to send us to the roof!

Daphne

What a romantic idea.

Niles

[grins to cover] Isn't it?

Frasier

Yes, yes, it's very romantic, now get your crap and go! Coming, coming!

Niles

Where'd you put Dad, in storage?

Frasier

I have no idea where Dad is. All I know is that he's not here, and you are!

Miranda

Hello.

Frasier

Good evening, Miranda. Come in. Uh, I'd like to introduce you to my brother, Niles Crane.

Miranda

Hello.

Frasier

And this is Daphne Moon-

Miranda

Hi.

Frasier

His... lady friend.

Daphne

Oh, I suppose I am!

Frasier

I'm so sorry, my brother's not very social, really. Uh, here we are. [shows her in] Would you care for some wine?

Miranda

Oh, I'd love some, yeah. Oh, you have a beautiful place!

Frasier

Thank you.

Miranda

[sees the Armchair] Ah, something tells me this must be your father's chair.

Frasier

Yes, well, you know, I insisted that he bring it with him when he moved in here. I mean, after all, this is his home too.

Miranda

How thoughtful of you.

Frasier

Yes.

Miranda

Well, I imagine he'll be bringing that with him when he moves in.

Frasier

Gosh, Miranda, you know, I've got to be honest with you, uh... as much as I like the Colonnade, I'm not sure Dad's really ready to move in yet.

Miranda

Well then, I guess he hasn't told you. Your father filled out an application today.

Frasier

Application? My father? Today?

Miranda

Sounds like he's moving out just in time, you're picking up that repeating thing.

Niles

You know, I've been giving a lot of thought to this idea of a pet name for you.

Daphne

[hopeful] And you've decided to give it up?

Niles

No, I don't give up that easily... "Woggles."

Niles

I was kidding. You're not really a "Woggles." You're more of a "Cuddles." No, I was kidding again! Someone stop me!

Daphne

[re: basket] Well, what have we got in here, then?

Niles

Uh, oh well, we have the finest champagne, and beluga caviar... [lifts out a plate of peanut brittle] oh, and broken bits of pottery.

Daphne

That's peanut brittle. I made it myself so we could have something sweet. Try some.

Niles

Oh well, I hardly need something sweet with you here.

Daphne

Oh, [kisses him] you are such a dear. [no-nonsense] Seriously, try some.

Niles

Mmm. Oh...

Daphne

Is it good?

Niles

Oh, it's like little shards of heaven.

Daphne

Oh dear! The wind's picked up.

Niles

Oh dear! I hope nothing else blows away!

Daphne

What happened to the peanut brittle?

Niles

It blew away!

Niles

Oh, I'll run and get some books to hold this cloth down.

Niles

What happened?

Daphne

[from behind the door] I moved the block to hold down the blanket and [tries the door] now the door seems to be stuck.

Niles

[tries it himself, no luck] All right, uh, Daphne, you sit tight, I'll run and get the super, he'll have it open in a minute.

Daphne

All right.

Niles

Daphne, where's the key to the stairway door?

Daphne

Oh, I've got it. I'll slide it under.

Niles

Oh, all right. No problem, take your time, no need to panic.

Daphne

Oh, dear. There is no under. It's sealed tight.

Niles

Sealed? All right, now Daphne, [breathing faster] try and remain calm.

Daphne

Well, we'll just have to wait for the night watchman. He checks all these doors when he does his rounds in a few hours.

Niles

[hyperventilating] For the last time, Daphne, I told you not to panic, and so you don't make me say it again, I have to conserve oxygen!

Lee

Hey look, Marty, there's your son.

Martin

Yeah, nice try, like I'd take my eyes off you while you're dealing.

Frasier

Dad, can I have a word with you for a second?

Martin

Oh, Fras! Yeah, all right. Uh, keep going, guys, I'm in.

Martin

What happened to your date?

Frasier

Oh well, suffice it to say it didn't go so well. Spent the whole time worried about you. Listen, I-I came down to apologize. I've been selfish, and I've neglected you, and I'm sorry.

Martin

Oh well, apology accepted, son. We've both been a little cranky, it's probably just the rain.

Frasier

No, Dad, listen, listen, I want us to go to games together, I really do. And I want us to see movies, and go drinking at McGinty's-

Martin

Well, that's great, son.

Frasier

No, Dad, Dad, I'm trying to say something here. I'm not ready for you to leave.

Frasier

I-I don't want you to move in here. I miss you too much. Please, Dad, come home.

Martin

Well, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not moving in here.

Frasier

But Miranda told me you filled out an application, that you told her you'd found a new home.

Martin

[lowers voice] Well, I had to. It's the only way to stay in the game, it's for residents only.

Frasier

This was just a-a ruse so you could continue playing poker?

Martin

Well, it's not just poker, it's poker with the three worst players I've ever seen!

Lee

Hey Marty, you in? Sid's got a pair of tens showing.

Martin

Look at me, Sid!

Martin

Raise you twenty. [to Frasier] You dream about getting in games like this all your life, but you never think it's gonna happen!

Frasier

Dad, Dad, please, I can't let you go on taking advantage of these people!

Martin

Well, I'm not taking advantage of them, I'm-I'm giving them an education! Consider it, uh, an expensive seminar.

Frasier

Seminar, my eye! Now you're gonna give every cent of that money back to those men!

Martin

[sighs] All right. I'll let them win it back.

Lee

Come on, Marty, you in?

Martin

[sits down] All right, yeah, I'm in. Let's see — oh, Lee's got a pair of aces, whoa! And three tens here! What have I got? Four, five, seven... ah well, I'll just bet it all.

Lee

Too rich for my blood.

Frasier

I'll leave the light on for you, Dad.

Daphne

How are you holding up? Is that spider still around?

Niles

Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I am of him... [looks up] He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner! Oh, there it is, found him.

Niles

Oh Daphne, you must be starving. Please, please, don't wait for me, you go ahead and eat.

Daphne

[tries to sound empty-mouthed] You sure? [looks up] Oh, I just saw one!

Niles

A spider?!

Daphne

No, a meteor! Oh, it's beautiful! It just appeared out of nowhere!

Niles

That's it, that's it! I missed it the last time, I'm not gonna let it happen again! Daphne, stand back, this door is coming down!

Daphne

Okay, I'm ready! Oh, I just saw another one! Oh, it's breathtaking! It just streaked from one end of the sky to the other! Oh Niles, I wish you could see this.

Niles

Oh, so do I, my love.

Daphne

What did you just call me?

Niles

Oh well, it was kind of a place-filler. I didn't have time to think of a good one.

Daphne

No, I-I like it... "My love." It's nice.

Daphne

Oh, I just saw another one!

Niles

What's it look like?

Daphne

It's got a long, glittering tail. It reminds me of the time my father drove home from the pub with a trashcan stuck underneath his car. Sparks were flying everywhere! Did I ever tell you that story?

Niles

No, you never did... my love.

Daphne

Well, my father stopped in at the pub on his way home from work...