The Great Crane Robbery
Aired 14th November 2000 · Written by Gayle Abrams · Directed by Katy Garretson
Skyline
A silver dirigible floats across the skyline.
Frasier
I would like to close the show today with a truly inspirational tale. One year ago, a very successful friend of mine was struck by tragedy. Prognosis: not good. Hope: slim. But armed with only fortitude, this friend of mine fought back. I'm talking, of course, about the reopening of Seattle's finest restaurant, Chez Henri! Just goes to show you that a four-alarm fire is no match for five-star courage. This is Frasier Crane saying good day, and good mental health.
Roz
See you still don't have a table for opening night.
Frasier
And it's killing me!
Kenny
OK everyone, it's show time. The new station owner's on his way down. So look alive! [claps his hands] Watch what you say, watch what you don't say. Don't say too much, don't say too little. [wipes his brow and neck] What the hell's this thermostat set at, anyway?!
Frasier
Good lord, Kenny, calm down! We've done the "new owner" drill a million times. What'll it be today, Roz: the glad-handing sycophant, or our salute to teamwork?
Kenny
Yeah, yeah, very funny.
Frasier
Come on, Kenny, you know how these people come and go. They introduce themselves, they shake your hand, tell us they're big fans, and then they're gone. Nothing ever changes. So, you know, don't worry about it.
Kenny
Well, that's easy for you to say, you've got a contract!
Todd
Hey, guys!
Kenny
Oh hello, sir! [sees the candy bar] Ah, Clark-Bar! [gives him a thumbs up] Excellent choice, sir!
Frasier
You must be the new owner. Hi, I'm Frasier Crane and this is my producer Roz Doyle.
Roz
Hi.
Todd
[shaking hands] Todd Peterson.
Kenny
Mr. Peterson's one of the brightest stars of Silicon Valley.
Todd
Thank you, Kenny.
Kenny
And he's one of the youngest members of the Fortune 500.
Todd
Please, you're embarrassing me.
Kenny
And he's a big fan of your show.
Frasier
Oh, now you're embarrassing me! [chuckles] Go on.
Todd
It's true, I've been listening since college. I love the theme weeks. But I was really into "Follow-up Fridays," when you had previous callers call in, let you know how they're doing. Why'd you stop doing that?
Frasier
[gravely] Oh well, it wasn't my idea.
Frasier
You know, Todd, uh, seeing as how you are such a big fan, perhaps I could bend your ear sometime about a few ideas I have for the show.
Todd
Great! I'd love to hear them.
Frasier
Really? Well, how about later today perhaps, over cocktails at my place?
Todd
That would be cool!
Frasier
Ah, cool indeed!
Todd
Later.
Frasier
Right, and may I say it's truly an honor to be serving under your leadership! This is a great day for KACL, indeed for radio itself!
Roz
I see you decided to skip "glad-handing sycophant" and go straight for "boot-licking kiss-ass."
Martin
[groans with pleasure]
Daphne
Is that too much?
Martin
Oh no, it feels great, Daph. Lot of elbow grease there today.
Daphne
I suppose I'm a bit wound up. Niles is out with Mel. I don't trust that woman.
Martin
Oh, come on. He's not with her because he wants to be. He's just gonna give her what she wants so she'll give him the divorce. He's crazy about you, you know that.
Daphne
[smiles] I know. And I'm crazy about him.
Martin
Still, Niles has been gone for a long time.
Daphne
It's open!
Niles
Hello!
Daphne
Niles.
Niles
Sorry I'm late, Mel picked a restaurant on the other side of town.
Daphne
I'm getting so tired of that woman's antics.
Martin
Antics, that's what they are!
Daphne
This whole charade, making you pretend you're a happy couple, it's so unfair!
Martin
Criminal! She won't even allow you to be seen in public together! [she does nothing] Did you hear that?
Daphne
Give it up, old man, the massage is over.
Niles
Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris... Florence... Rio...
Daphne
[seductive] How about my room to fold laundry?
Niles
I hear it's lovely this time of year.
Frasier
Oh, uh, Dad, listen, you know, I've got some company coming over. So if you don't mind, uh-
Martin
Oh, hot date, huh?
Frasier
Well, actually, Dad, the new station owner's coming by to hear some ideas I have about my show.
Martin
Well, it's a woman at least, right?
Frasier
Whatever gets you out of the room faster, Dad.
Frasier
Oh Todd, come on in.
Todd
Hi, Frasier. [comes in] Whoa! Sweet view!
Frasier
Thank you, thank you. That's the Space Needle there, of course, and Elliot Bay, and actually on a clear day you can see Mt. Rinnear.
Todd
Epic! [looks down through the telescope] Is that a Pizza Hut?
Frasier
Well, we did start a petition-
Todd
Well, it must have worked. That is a Pizza Hut! [looks around] You've got a great place here, Fras!
Frasier
Thank you.
Todd
[picks up an African sculpture] I like this. What, did your kid carve it in camp?
Frasier
Actually, that's a fertility god from Central Africa, it's quite rare. [Todd hands it back with a naughty chuckle] Thank you. Say, uh, Todd, can I interest you in a sherry?
Todd
Nah. It'd be wasted on me. I don't know the first thing about that stuff.
Frasier
Oh well, in the great scheme of things, it's not really very important.
Todd
It kind of is. I mean, ever since my search engine went public, people have been inviting me to fundraisers and banquets. [picks up a sculpture from the coffee table and tries to pry it open] They expect me to know all sorts of things about art and music, wine - I don't know jack, it's embarrassing.
Frasier
I'm sure you're exaggerating.
Todd
No, I spent my whole life in front of a computer. I don't know Beethoven from... Beethoven's the only one I know!
Frasier
You know, it's never too late to learn. I'd be glad to give you some pointers.
Todd
Really?
Frasier
I'd be delighted! I will play Virgil to your Dante. [off Todd's blank look] In a few weeks, I can guarantee you, you will find that delightfully droll. Say, how about that sherry?
Todd
Oh, yeah!
Frasier
All right, then - which you should know, is a fortified wine.
Todd
Wow, Frasier, you really know your stuff! Look at these great paintings, cool furniture, African sex toys! This is how I should be living... how much you want for the place?
Frasier
Excuse me?
Todd
I could use a place in town. Name your price.
Frasier
Oh no, Todd. My humble home is not for sale. But, you know, as luck would have it, there happens to be a unit available directly below mine.
Todd
This'll be great, we'll be neighbors! You can teach me to have as much taste and style as you. And I can do everything possible to make you the biggest star on radio.
Frasier
I knew one day you'd come.
Frasier
Niles, mind if I join you?
Niles
Oh well, uh, just for a little while, I'm meeting Mel here. Oh, which reminds me- [slips on his wedding ring]
Frasier
Oh dear, I am sorry to hear that.
Niles
Oh no, actually this is wonderful news.
Frasier
Mm-hmm?
Niles
She called. She said my days of playing the devoted husband are coming to an end. Frasier, I think my wife is finally going to dump me.
Frasier
Oh, and they said it would last. [they laugh] You know, actually, I'm celebrating an event myself. You see, I've just become... a mentor.
Niles
Good for you, Frasier, helping the unprivileged.
Frasier
Actually, he's a billionaire.
Niles
Ah, the forgotten minority.
Frasier
It's the new station owner.
Niles
Oh, for heaven's sake, you're mentoring your boss? How did you flatter your way into that job?
Frasier
Well, Niles, I-I didn't. The boy practically begged me. I mean, he got rich overnight, and he's hardly had time to shed his fraternity house ways.
Niles
Sounds like an enormous project.
Frasier
Well, I am a teacher at heart, after all. You know, last night I took him to Le Café du Peridee, to practice sending back wine.
Frasier
Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Ah, Todd, yes, we were just talking about you! Yes, no. No, no, no, no, no, never French cuffs with a button-down collar. [Niles chuckles] He's being fitted by Haviare.
Niles
Very nice.
Frasier
[into phone] The long collar, yes. What sort of stripes? Don't move, I'll be right down there! [hangs up] I have to go.
Frasier
Ah, Mel.
Mel
[Arctic smile] Frasier. You're looking...
Frasier
And you, we must do this again.
Mel
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Uh, Mel, hello. Well, I, uh, I gather things are coming to an end. Thank you for being true to your word.
Mel
No, thank you for doing such a good job in... Phase One.
Niles
[fazed] "Phase One?"
Mel
Well Niles, it occurred to me that if we end things now, people will wonder why - when, you know, we've been so happy. So I've decided that it's not so much that I'm going to leave you, as you're going to drive me away.
Niles
How?
Mel
Through a series of staged events, in which you will thoroughly humiliate yourself by playing the part of a complete ass! [gives him a ticket envelope] For instance, this weekend we're going to the opera-
Niles
Ah, I see, I see. So you want me to... hog the opera glasses and remain seated during the ovation, something of that nature? Well, I-I suppose I could manage it.
Mel
No, not quite. At the intermission, invariably some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him!
Niles
That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town, [throws the envelope down] and nothing will make me behave that way!
Mel
Well, looks like we're going to be married for a long time.
Niles
[steely] I'll see you at Schwander de Dudelsach Feiffen.
Frasier
Oh, what are you two doing here? Todd's apartment's one floor down.
Roz
We know. But why walk into his housewarming alone when we can go in with his idol?
Frasier
Oh please, I'm hardly his idol. I'm a paragon at best.
Kenny
What's that?
Frasier
Oh, just a little something that Todd admired when he was over.
Kenny
I didn't know we were supposed to bring gifts! Oh, now I'm screwed! [they step onto the elevator] I am so fired. God, why did I give my wife the go-ahead for that above-ground pool?
Roz
Better calm down, Kenny. I gave you my last pair of dress shields.
Frasier
Now remember that Todd has had people working round the clock, transforming his apartment into his vision of style and taste. And no matter how primitive we may think it is, it's best to be kind. We don't want to stifle his budding creativity.
Roz
You also don't want to stifle that fat syndication deal he's putting together for you.
Frasier
Oh Roz, you are so cynical! That's why you could never be a mentor.
Todd
Hey guys, come on in!
Frasier
Hello, Niles. Say, if memory serves, you went to the opera with Mel last night. So, did you cause a public spectacle? I didn't read anything in the society pages.
Niles
No, well, it didn't go exactly as I expected. At intermission I got my drink and waited for someone to approach Mel. And finally someone did - uh, Founder's Circle stalwart Ace Linneur.
Frasier
Ah.
Niles
I coiled, panther-like, ready to fling my drink on his shirtfront, when I noticed he was wearing that wool crepe hand-tailored tuxedo of his. Well, [laughs nervously] I couldn't raise my hand against such a magnificent garment.
Frasier
Niles, that tux is a blend and you know it.
Niles
Yes, yes, of course I know it! Frasier, I-I just couldn't do it! That kind of loutish behavior, it's just not in my nature.
Frasier
Of course, Niles, that goes without saying. Just remember for whom you're doing all this.
Niles
Believe me, Daphne is the only thing that is keeping me going through all of this. Tonight I'm supposed to meet Mel for dinner at Chez Henri, and make an ass of myself in front of her society friends.
Frasier
Oh, lord - Chez Henri. Their menu is just the culinary minefield to test Todd's mettle. Hmm...
Niles
Oh, oh, your protégé. How's that coming along?
Frasier
Actually, things have taken a bit of an odd turn. You see, yesterday I went to his housewarming party. As it turns out, to my surprise, he has duplicated my apartment exactly.
Niles
Exactly?!
Frasier
Only thing missing is an old man and a little dog. I was beside myself.
Niles
Well, of course you were! I assume you read him the riot act.
Frasier
Well, he is my boss. He has big plans for my show. Do I really want to jeopardize that?
Frasier
There's Todd now. Uh, Todd? Over here! I'd like you to meet my brother, Niles Crane. [they ad-lib hellos and shake hands] Niles, this is Todd Peterson.
Niles
Hello - oh, and-and may I say, what a... what a lovely outfit. Hope you got the volume discount.
Todd
Guess who's officially hooked on classics!
Frasier
Oh well, good for you, good for you. Now Todd, I-I'd like to talk to you about your apartment.
Todd
You don't like it.
Frasier
Oh no, I do like it. I've liked it for eight years.
Todd
So what's the problem?
Frasier
Well, I was hoping that my influence would help you to find your own style, not that you would simply duplicate mine.
Todd
What am I doing? I'm in way over my head here, let's admit it, with all this culture stuff. I should just stick to what I know, computers - I'm a computer guy!
Frasier
No, Todd, you know, perhaps we just took on a bit too much too soon.
Todd
I need to move back to San Jose, sell the apartment, sell the radio station-
Frasier
Steady at the wheel, Todd. Now listen, uh, all we're really talking about is a couple of couches and some coffee tables.
Todd
But you said we shouldn't have the same apartment.
Frasier
Yes, and we shouldn't... Perhaps I'm being too hasty about which of us should be doing the changing. Perhaps I'm holding on too tight to my possessions! Décor is, after all, a fluid art!
Todd
[reaches for a pen] Should I be writing this down?
Frasier
No, no, Todd. Listen, Todd, I want you to keep the apartment the way it is. After all, it's a look that has served me well, but it's time that I move on.
Todd
Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier
No, thank you, Todd.
Todd
Hey, you want to come see my new car? I have a feeling you're gonna like it!
Frasier
I have a feeling I will.
Mel
Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect gentlemen all night, now cut it out! And do something offensive!
Niles
I don't know at which table you've been sitting! Did you not just see me unapologetically take the last roll?
Mel
I need more than that, and you know it. Now, my friends are giving you plenty to work with - Andrew has been drinking like a fish, and Margaret is wearing that revolting dress, again.
Niles
Meow! I'm glad you're on my side. [off her look] I can do this.
Mel
Sorry, everyone!
Margaret
Oh, you newlyweds! Just can't be apart for one second!
Mel
Oh, the bill! Oh, but we're not finished. Uh, we still have wine, would anyone like a refill?
Andrew
[tidges himself up] I'm a little dry.
Niles
Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking!
Mel
Niles! We just discussed you were not going to bring that up!
Niles
Well I did, so there. [she kicks him under the table] And I'll say it again! [to Andrew] You're probably seeing two of me, so you might as well hear me twice! You sir, are a complete drunk!
Andrew
Niles, how could you...
Niles
Well, uh-
Andrew
How could you know? I thought I was hiding it so well. I have a problem, it's time I face it.
Chip
I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't have the courage.
Lucy
Not like Niles. You're a good person.
Andrew
I'm getting help first thing tomorrow. I'm so sorry, baby.
Margaret
[takes Andrew's arm; to Niles] Thank you for giving me my husband back. Mel, darling, you married an angel.
Mel
[choking on the words] Don't I know it.
Frasier
Ah, Dad. What do you think of the new look?
Martin
Wow, nice stuff. You really tied the flow to the motif.
Frasier
Thanks for trying. Well, shall we give it a test run?
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
A little music...
Frasier
Dad?
Martin
[not looking up] Looks great, son.
Frasier
There's nothing here.
Martin
I know.
Frasier
I give up. I've tried a million combinations. I even had early Byzantine mingling with mid-century Danish!
Martin
Will they ever get along?
Frasier
The only furniture that looks good in my apartment is my own!
Martin
Well, I could have told you that three loveseats ago! So what are you waiting for? Go bring it back!
Daphne
Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
Frasier
Well Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
Daphne
Oh, yes. When God closes a door he opens a window.
Frasier
You know, Dad, even if I do get my furniture back, it doesn't solve anything! There's still someone downstairs with my apartment!
Martin
That's not your apartment, this is your apartment! And if every stooge in the building rips you off, it doesn't take anything away from you because you were the original!
Frasier
I am, aren't I? You know I did, after all, create that look, and that should be gratification enough.
Martin
Good for you, son.
Frasier
I mean, besides, you know, Todd's hardly ever here. He doesn't have very many friends. You know, in fact, the only person who's ever gonna see that apartment is probably the Pizza Hut delivery boy! [laughs]
Frasier
Ah Todd, come on in.
Todd
Hey, Fras, I just need to know the name of the chick who made our couch.
Frasier
Oh, right - it's a reproduction of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier. [Todd exhales] But why?
Todd
The writer from "Architectural Digest" wants to know.
Frasier
"Architectural Digest?"
Todd
They're doing a huge cover story on my apartment! And I have you to thank for it, buddy! Well, I got to go, the photographer's waiting. Later.
Frasier
I need to sit down!