Taking Liberties
Aired 21st November 2000 · Written by Sam Johnson & Chris Marcil · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Skyline
a heavy construction crane lifts a load above the skyscrapers.
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh hi, Roz.
Roz
Oh, checking out the personal ads, huh?
Frasier
Actually, I'm looking at the want ads. I'm trying to find a housekeeper. Now that Daphne is Niles's girlfriend, it doesn't feel right to ask her to pick up after me anymore, so-
Roz
Mmm.
Frasier
Awfully difficult finding someone, though.
Roz
It's hard getting what you want these days, isn't it?
Frasier
[a little wary] Indeed.
Roz
But you can still find convenience and value, if you know where to look-
Frasier
Dear God, what are you selling?
Roz
[produces a sample book of] Wrapping paper! It's a fundraiser for Alice's school.
Frasier
Well, at least it's a worthy cause.
Roz
Yeah.
Frasier
All right, let's have a look. [looks] Oh, that one's too garish... eh, don't like this one, either... ooh, I'm certainly not crazy about bunnies...
Roz
Oh, give me that! [takes the book] You're getting five rolls of "Peace on Earth" and thanks for your support!
Niles
Machiatto... make it a doup-iato.
Frasier
Niles! Niles please, whatever's wrong, the answer doesn't lie at the bottom of an espresso cup.
Niles
It's Mel again.
Frasier
Oh, lord. Still making you humiliate yourself at social functions while she plays the long-suffering wife?
Niles
I'm afraid so. But she said a couple more weeks, and I'll have my divorce.
Frasier
She said that two weeks ago! What was it this time?
Niles
Well, we attended Colonel Turner's very large, very High Episcopalian funeral, during the course of which my cell phone rang repeatedly. I was not allowed to answer it, and Mel had set the ringer on "La Cucaracha."
Frasier
Oh Niles, I'm so sorry.
Niles
Oh, it's all right.
Frasier
No, I called you twice.
Niles
Well, I ruined quite a sendoff, with an honor guard, the colonel's butler seating people, two archbishops-
Frasier
Excuse me, did you just say "butler?"
Niles
Oh yes, I know, an-an honest-to-goodness English butler. The colonel was a bit of an anachronism.
Frasier
Ah, yes. That's amusing. [they chuckle] I suppose this butler saw to the colonel's every need.
Niles
Oh, oh - clipped his cigars, poured his scotch...
Frasier
Laid out his clothes for him, and served him his meals...
Niles
I saw him first!
Frasier
You've had a gardener and a maid!
Niles
Yes, but never a butler!
Frasier
But it's my turn!
Niles
But it's my dream!
Frasier
Daphne won't have to clean anymore!
Niles
I tip my cap, sir.
Frasier
Ah, Ferguson. Is it morning already?
Ferguson
Indeed, sir. I trust you slept well?
Frasier
Best sleep I've had in years.
Ferguson
Excellent. Your coffee, sir.
Frasier
[takes it] Thank you. To think I was skeptical when you said these pillows could be better arranged.
Ferguson
Yes, preparing a suitable sleeping environment is one of the first tasks I learned at my father's knee.
Frasier
Oh, your father also "butled?"
Ferguson
Oh yes, sir. Even my father's father was a gentleman's gentleman.
Frasier
[laughs] Oh, that's a good one, Ferguson.
Ferguson
Thank you, sir, it's one of my staples. Will it be breakfast en suite today, sir?
Frasier
No, I believe I'll join the rest of the household.
Ferguson
Very good, sir.
Frasier
Thank you, Ferguson. Ah, you spoil me. Keep it up.
Frasier
Morning, Dad, Daphne.
Martin/Daphne
Fras./Morning.
Martin
Where's Lord Weirdo?
Frasier
Dad, his name is Ferguson.
Ferguson
Good morning, Dr. Crane's residence. Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Oh, thank you, sir, your phone manner is also delightful. [gives it to Daphne] It's Dr. Crane for you, miss.
Daphne
Oh, thank you. [gets up; into phone] Hello, Niles. Oh, yes!
Frasier
Dear God!
Martin
What's wrong?
Frasier
That politicking Alan Murchie has just been elected president of the opera board!
Martin
Yeah, I'll never forget where I was when I heard the news.
Frasier
This pinhead is president, I can't even get on the board!
Ferguson
And what will you be sending to congratulate Mr. Murchie, sir?
Frasier
Curses and epithets is all he'll get from me!
Ferguson
Quite right. However, a well-chosen gift might draw the eye of Mr. Murchie as he considers a replacement for his now- vacant seat on the board.
Frasier
Well, if it'll make you happy, Ferguson, let's send him a bottle of Chateau Belle Veux.
Ferguson
If I may, sir, I'm overheard Mr. Murchie speak fondly of the family villa in Umbria. He may consider a wine from that region especially thoughtful.
Frasier
It's a little on the nose, but fine.
Daphne
I love you, too. Bye. [hangs up]
Ferguson
Manchester, right?
Daphne
Is it that obvious?
Ferguson
To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
Daphne
Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can! Here, let me give you a hand tidying up.
Ferguson
Oh, thank you, miss.
Daphne
You know, you needn't stand on ceremony for Dr. Crane's father. He prefers it if you're more informal.
Ferguson
Oh, it's rather difficult for me. I'm accustomed to formality.
Ferguson
Besides, I find it's more professional. It helps draw the line between a family and its servant.
Daphne
Are you referring to Niles and me?
Ferguson
Oh, that's none of my business.
Daphne
No, it's all right. We're together. He told me he'd been in love with me for seven years, and [giggles] I couldn't help but fall head over heels. It's like a fairy tale.
Ferguson
Seven years? He sounds shy.
Daphne
Oh, he is. He was also married for much of the time.
Ferguson
Mm... but now your prince is free.
Daphne
Almost. He married someone else.
Ferguson
I see.
Daphne
No, you don't understand. Once that divorce goes through, we'll be together forever.
Ferguson
Well, I hope it's moving swiftly through the course.
Daphne
Oh, he hasn't filed yet.
Daphne
But when his wife thinks the time is right, which is soon, he will. Well, not that she's in charge of us... [flustered] Oh look, I'm giving you the wrong impression-
Ferguson
Miss Moon, please understand that this is not meant to be cruel. But I've witnessed much heartbreak in my career, and I've come to know that an employee-employer romance has little chance of success. The status relationship will always exist.
Daphne
Oh, thank goodness I'm not as cynical as you are! True love is stronger than status. I don't care what anyone says or thinks, Niles and I are in love. [turns to go, then] And don't spread that around, it's a secret.
Martin
Next.
Martin
Next.
Martin
Next.
Martin
Ooh, Shark Week! At ease.
Frasier
Good day, all!
Martin
Hey, Fras! How'd your lunch go with that opera guy?
Frasier
Excellent! Not only did Murchie rave on and on about the bottle of Umbrian wine I sent, but he intimated that I was "Opera Board timber!" [chuckles] Now all I have to do is continue on my charm-offensive with the other board members.
Ferguson
Then might I suggest a party, sir?
Frasier
Oh, I'm way ahead of you this time. I was thinking of a little post-opera soiree next week after the opening of Turandot.
Ferguson
If I may take the liberty, sir, perhaps holding the party prior to the opera might be easier on the older guests.
Frasier
That's good thinking. Yes, yes, it's a very nice spin on my initial, uh... insight of the party.
Ferguson
You flatter me, sir.
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Hello, Frasier. Ah yes, Ferguson!
Ferguson
How do you do, sir?
Niles
Very well.
Ferguson
May I take your coat, sir?
Niles
Certainly.
Ferguson
Sherry, Dr. Crane?
Niles
Oh, thank you, Ferguson, but even as we speak I have a bottle of Veuve Clicquot chilling in my apartment, and you know the old caution: "champagne after sherry makes tummy grow wary."
Ferguson
You have your brother's wit, sir.
Frasier
So Niles, you're awfully chipper today.
Niles
And why not? Daphne and I are going out on a date!
Frasier
Wha-? Niles, what if somebody sees you and reports back to Mel?
Niles
Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment - not only that, she's going in my car, in my backseat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!
Niles
Oh, cell phone.
Ferguson
Shall I?
Niles
Can he?
Frasier
Uh, would you?
Ferguson
[answering] Dr. Crane's line.
Daphne
I'm ready.
Niles
Oh Daphne, you look ravishing.
Daphne
[giggles] Oh, thank you.
Ferguson
It's Mrs. Crane, sir.
Niles
[taking the phone] Hello, Mel. What? Wait a minute, I thought we agreed twenty-four hours' notice, you can't just... all right, fine. I'll see you then.
Frasier
Everything all right, Niles?
Niles
It's Mel, she's having tea with her sorority sisters and would like me to show up - late, of course, and preferably boorish.
Martin
Oh, for Pete's sake, I thought this was supposed to be over by now.
Niles
Yes well, so did I, but as Mel so politely reminded me, if I want this divorce to be quick and simple, I have to dance to her tune.
Niles
I'm sorry. You understand, don't you?
Daphne
I guess so.
Niles
That's my girl. [kisses her cheek] I will make this up to you, I promise.
Daphne
You better get going.
Daphne
You heard, didn't you?
Daphne
No, I don't need that! I mean, I know he loves me... and it took him seven years to tell me. His ex-wife walked all over him, and now Mel's doing the same thing! What, is it going to take another seven years before he stands up for himself, or for us?
Ferguson
Why do you suppose he hasn't?
Daphne
I don't know. For the first time I'm beginning to wonder if... if maybe there are too many differences. Maybe he feels he has too much to lose. Oh God, Ferguson, maybe you were right.
Ferguson
I hope everything meets with your approval, sir.
Frasier
Oh yes, indeed, indeed. [notices] Where's Dad's chair?
Ferguson
I took the liberty of removing it for the party.
Frasier
But Dad'll be furious! And I completely forgot: he'll be here! Swigging from a can and guessing women's weight, I'll be blackballed!
Frasier
Oh, Dad, uh, listen, about tonight-
Martin
Yeah, yeah, I'd love to hobnob and whatnot, but the Towncar's waiting to take me to the game. Thanks for the tickets, Fras. [clears throat] Fergie?
Ferguson
Your meatloaf sandwich, sir, and your finger.
Ferguson
I hope you don't mind, sir.
Frasier
[still surprised] Not at all.
Frasier
Ferguson, positions.
Frasier
Oh Niles, what are you doing here?
Niles
Oh Frasier, don't panic, I'm not crashing your party. I'm here to pick up Daphne. We're going to the mall.
Frasier
Really? Well, no chance of running into Mel there.
Niles
It should be a night to remember. We're going someplace called "the Limited."
Niles
Daphne! Why aren't you dressed?
Daphne
I'm not sure if I'm up to going out tonight. I really hate all this sneaking around.
Niles
It's not sneaking around! We're going to be out in public, at the Tacoma Mall! But the most important thing is, we'll be together.
Daphne
All right, I suppose that really is what matters.
Niles
All right, now tell me again, what are we going to eat?
Daphne
Curly fries!
Niles
Ooh...
Ferguson
Good evening, and welcome to the home of Dr. Frasier-
Frasier
Oh save it, it's just Roz. [Roz is not flattered] What are you doing here?
Roz
[holds up boxes] Um, your gift-wrapping came in.
Frasier
I thought I just ordered a few rolls!
Roz
You were more generous than you thought.
Ferguson
I'll put it in your room, sir.
Roz
You look like a gift-giver-
Frasier
Roz, you put it in my room, he's working!
Frasier
Alan Murchie, lovely to see you!
Murchie
[shaking hands] Likewise. I don't think you've met my wife, Diane.
Frasier
Enchanté.
Murchie
And this is Henry Worth, another board member.
Frasier
Ah, Henry, lovely to meet you.
Ferguson
May I take your coats?
Murchie
Oh, thank you.
Diane
Frasier, isn't that the colonel's old butler?
Frasier
Yes, Ferguson. My sense of duty compelled me to take him in after the colonel passed.
Murchie
[amused] Yes, we felt the same sense of duty toward his art collection.
Frasier
[laughs nervously] Oh, that's very droll...
Frasier
Excuse me.
Roz
...collection. And the family pack really is your best value-
Frasier
[grabs her] Roz, what are you doing out here? I'm sure Mr. Worth isn't interested in gift-wrapping.
Worth
Nonsense, she's delightful. Now, what kind of deal would you give me if I bought a hundred rolls?
Roz
Oh, I'd take off twenty percent.
Worth
And what would you take off if I bought five thousand rolls?
Roz
[unfazed] Everything but my bracelets.
Worth
[laughing] Yes, sir!
Frasier
Ah, Ted and Lois! Oh please, come in.
Lois
I hope you don't mind, but we had an extra ticket, so we brought a friend.
Frasier
Well, of course, the more the merrier!
Mel
Good evening, Frasier.
Frasier
Mel... what a delightful surprise. I had no idea you knew the Fischers.
Frasier
Niles, uh, look who's here!
Niles
[stops dead] Darling!
Mel
Niles, I didn't think I'd see you here tonight, I thought you were working late... [sweet] Oh well, lucky me!
Niles
No, [kisses her] lucky me!
Frasier
[before Daphne can scream] Lucky all of us! Please, won't you sit down?
Niles
What, uh - what are you doing here?
Mel
Look, I didn't know we were stopping by here on our way, so just put on your party face and deal with it.
Niles
Well, I'm sorry, I have plans.
Mel
Yes, you do - to be by your wife's side.
Frasier
Everybody good? Everybody happy? Let's try to respect the feelings and long-held dreams of others.
Mel
Don't worry, Frasier, everything's going to be fine.
Frasier
"Fine?" Fine for whom? Is that code, what does that mean?!
Niles
Daphne, Daphne, I'm so sorry. Listen, this party can't last more than an hour, after that we'll have the whole evening together, I promise.
Daphne
Please don't make any more promises you can't keep.
Mel
Oh, Niles! Come over here and listen to Tedd's funny joke about communists in heaven!
Niles
Oh, I'm laughing already!
Murchie
Frasier, this party is a triumph! I shouldn't be telling you this, but if my straw poll is any indication, we may be seeing you at the next board meeting.
Frasier
Oh well, I-I hope you don't think that's why I did this! But it's certainly a nice fringe benefit.
Murchie
[amused] I'm no farmer, Crane, but I can smell manure a mile away. You'll be a welcome addition.
Frasier
Oh, Ferguson, Ferguson, listen, make sure that everyone has champagne. I have a little toast in mind that I daresay will seal the deal.
Ted
By the by, don't make any plans for New Year's Eve. Lo and I are having a blowout at our Mercer Island Place.
Niles
Well, that's a very generous offer, but, uh-
Mel
Oh, we'd love to. It'll give you a chance to wear that new Valentino I might be getting you-
Ferguson
Miss Moon?
Niles
Uh, Mel, may I see you for a moment?
Mel
Uh, well actually I-
Niles
Yeah, thank you, thank you, excuse us, excuse us, just one second.
Niles
New Year's Eve with you? Are you out of your mind?
Mel
Keep your voice down!
Niles
Look, I have gone along with this charade because I hurt you, but now you're just dragging it out to be vindictive. I'm not going to tolerate it any longer.
Mel
Oh, really? And what are you going to do about it?
Niles
Keep pushing me, you'll find out.
Mel
Don't threaten me. You made a promise, and you're going to keep it!
Ferguson
[handing Diane her wrap] Your wrap, madam, Dr. Crane thanks you for coming...
Frasier
Ferguson, Ferguson, what in blue blazes are you doing?
Ferguson
Perhaps to spare you some embarrassment, sir, I took the liberty.
Frasier
Stop! You're taking far too much liberty with the liberty- taking! Please, just see that everyone has some champagne.
Ferguson
[obeying] Sir.
Frasier
There's no need to leave. Uh, I would like to propose a toast...
Niles
No Mel, why don't you listen for once? I'm through!
Mel
I'll tell you when you're through, you spineless twit, AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!
Frasier
Opera time, opera time! On to the show!
Niles
That's it, Mel, I'm sick of these games!
Mel
Niles, don't make a scene.
Niles
I don't care! I love Daphne, and I'm not putting her through this torture another second! This sham of a marriage is OVER!
Diane
It's all right, dear, we've known for some time he doesn't deserve you.
Mel
Well, you've seen what I have to put up with. I've tried so hard, I really have.
Lois
I don't know how you've put up with him this long.
Mel
I just want out.
Ted
Don't worry, I'll handle the divorce papers personally! This jackass will be out of your life by the end of the week!
Niles
You mean it?
Murchie
See you around, Crane.
Daphne
I love you, too.
Roz
Oh, come on, Frasier, you don't want to spend the evening with those snobs anyway.
Worth
Coming, Roz?
Roz
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Roz
[off everyone's looks] I'm just getting an early start on the candy drive.
Niles
Frasier, I'm-I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
Frasier
It's all right, Niles. It's a small price to pay to finally see you and Daphne together.
Niles
It's true - we're free! [Daphne laughs] No more hiding! Where do you want to go? Dinner? Dancing? London? Paris?
Daphne
Why don't we go for a walk?
Niles
Even better.
Ferguson
If you'll allow me.
Niles
Thank you, Ferguson.
Ferguson
My pleasure, sir.
Daphne
[with all her heart] Thank you, Ferguson.
Ferguson
It was my privilege, Miss Moon.
Frasier
All right, Ferguson, we got some fences to mend with the board. What do we send and to whom do we send it?
Ferguson
Actually, sir, I regret to inform you that I must tender my resignation.
Frasier
Please, don't be upset that things didn't go so well this evening. I'll make it up to you - send yourself something!
Ferguson
Thank you, sir, but it's not you. It was your brother and Miss Moon. His willingness to break social rank has inspired me. And there's a certain Lady Westerfield whose acquaintance I'd like to renew.
Frasier
Ah. True love and all that. Well, [extends his hand] good luck, Ferguson.
Ferguson
[shakes it] Thank you, sir.
Frasier
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've had rather a difficult evening. Think I'll just go take a sad soak in the tub.
Ferguson
Sir, after such an evening, it's not right for a man to draw his own bath. So, if I may take the liberty...
Frasier
Carry on, Ferguson.