Legal Tender Love and Care
Aired 28th November, 2000 · Written by Saladin K.Patterson · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Oh, Dad, you're going to have to clear out. Daphne and I are meeting with my lawyer.
Martin
I don't know why you have to go with that high-priced lady instead of the guy I recommended.
Frasier
Please. Donny is suing me for emotional distress. Your guy wanted me to limp into court wearing a neck brace and claiming not to speak English.
Martin
Hey, you don't keep an office in the mall for twelve years without knowin' a few tricks.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Niles.
Niles
Frasier, I'm sorry I'm late. Is Abby here yet?
Frasier
No, she's on her way.
Niles
These lawsuits have me so rattled. You know me, Frasier, normally I'm unflappable.
Frasier
Niles, if you flapped any more, we'd have to lower you to half mast on Veteran's Day.
Niles
Sherry, anyone?
Frasier
Yes.
Daphne
Yes, please. I know how Niles feels. I'm a nervous wreck about that deposition tomorrow. First time I'm seeing Donny since our wedding day, and he's going to be grilling me under oath.
Frasier
Oh, don't worry. Once Abby preps you, you'll have nothing to worry about.
Martin
I don't understand you guys. Instead of you each hiring expensive lawyers, why don't you just settle?
Frasier
Because we didn't do anything wrong, Dad! Daphne merely changed her mind about getting married and although Donny is entitled to his pain, he is not entitled to sue everyone under the sun.
Martin
[rising] You guys are nuts. Donny's a pit bull. Why don't you come up with some cash, put it on a stick and shove it into his cage?
Frasier
Oh, yes, thank you, Dad.
Martin
And don't even try to get the stick back. Just run.
Frasier
You know, Dad's fear notwithstanding, I have every confidence in Abby and her litigious prowess.
Daphne
Yes, we've all seen you admiring her prowess.
Frasier
I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Frasier
Oh, hi Abby. Come on in. You know Niles and Daphne, of course.
Abby
Oh, yes, hello, Daphne, Niles.
Frasier
Here, let me take your coat.
Abby
Thank you.
Frasier
Oh, my. That suit is very becoming on you. Is it new?
Abby
Yes it is. And thank you for noticing, Frasier.
Frasier
No, thank you for being so, ah... noticeable.
Niles
[aside to Daphne] Do I sound like that?
Daphne
Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.
Frasier
Please, make yourself comfortable. Well, we're anxious to hear your, your battle plan. We realize it's going to be tough, but we're ready for a fight.
Abby
Donny's dropped the lawsuits.
Frasier
What?
Daphne
When did this happen?
Abby
He just called me on my cell phone now. I took the liberty of calling your lawyer, Daphne, to let him know the good news, too.
Daphne
Thank you.
Niles
So, what happens now?
Abby
Nothing. You've won. Congratulations.
Niles
I can't believe it.
Daphne
Did Donny say why he's dropping the case?
Abby
No, he did not. But we can call and ask him if you'd like.
Frasier
You know, I think I know why he dropped the case: because I have the finest lawyer in all of Seattle.
Niles
Hear, hear.
Frasier
[rising] Thank you for a job well done.
Abby
Oh, my pleasure. Congratulations.
Daphne
Thank you, Abby.
Abby
Congratulations. You're welcome, Daphne.
Niles
Congratulations.
Abby
Thank you, Niles.
Niles
Thanks.
Abby
Absolutely.
Abby
Oh, you again!
Abby
Well, I must say, I was actually looking forward to getting a shot at Donny in court, but for your sake, I'm glad things ended this way.
Frasier
Yes, well, you know, there's no reason this has to be goodbye. I think a celebratory dinner is in order.
Abby
Well, great. Give me a call and we'll see when all of us can get together.
Frasier
Yes, yes, all of us. Yes, well, you know, our schedules are really rather complicated. We're rarely available together.
Niles
I'm open.
Daphne
Any time's good for me.
Frasier
Well, then, dinner it is.
Abby
Great. I hate to rush, but I've got a mountain of paperwork.
Frasier
Well, then, let me walk you to the elevator.
Abby
All right. That's very sweet, Frasier. Thank you for escorting me.
Frasier
Oh, thank you, for being so... escortable.
Daphne
Bye, Abby.
Abby
Goodbye.
Niles
Congratulations again.
Frasier
Abby, I just wanted to say how pleasurable it's been getting to know you.
Abby
The pleasure's been all mine.
Frasier
Oh, you know, I'd hate to see my relationship with you end, uh, right now. I just...
Abby
Frasier, if you're going to ask me out, you better hurry.
Frasier
Will you go out with me?
Abby
Yes!
Frasier
Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz
Hey, guys!
Martin
Hey, Roz.
Frasier
Come on in, I'll get you situated.
Roz
Thanks for letting me tape your CDs.
Martin
Since when do you two have the same taste in music?
Roz
Actually, it's for Alice. I read an article that said listening to classical music makes toddlers smarter. Something about making their brain bigger, or wider... I don't know.
Frasier
I believe the word you're looking for is "smartified."
Roz
Oh, yeah? Well guess which word I'm looking for now.
Frasier
Very funny. Actually, I have the perfect piece to start Alice off with: it's Beethoven's Sonata in C-Sharp Minor. I've laid out a selection of CDs that I think will be appropriate. I'm sorry, I don't have time to put together a comprehensive program for you. But actually, Dad and I have our celebratory dinner tonight with Abby. You know, Dad, actually, you should get ready to go.
Martin
I thought I was ready.
Frasier
Think tie!
Martin
I'm way ahead of ya.
Roz
Hey, you've been spending a lot of time "celebrating" with this lawyer.
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes. Well, actually, we've been out a couple of times. I'm really rather taken with her. She has a very playful side. She took me miniature golfing last night.
Martin
Oh sure. When she takes you it's playful, when I take you it ends up as a story in the high school literary magazine.
Frasier
Dad, please, "Through the Clown's Mouth Darkly" took second in the all-city fiction contest that year.
Niles
Hello.
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Frasier, these are for you. Your doorman gave them to me. Apparently some of your mail went to the wrong box. And these are for you, my love.
Daphne
Oh, Niles, you spoil me.
Niles
I picked them myself.
Daphne
Ooh, Niles, cookies.
Niles
Sweets for my sweet.
Daphne
Let's go put these in some milk.
Niles
Hey, I was just going to say that!
Daphne
No you weren't.
Niles
I was, I swear.
Daphne
OK, this is gettin' spooky.
Frasier
Well.
Martin
What is it?
Frasier
I just opened Abby's bill. It seems... awfully high. I guess this must be the going rate.
Martin
Whoa!
Frasier
I think Abby is worth every penny.
Martin
Well, she better be, because Daphne's lawyer only charged half this much.
Frasier
Well, that doesn't seem right, does it? I mean, they did the same amount of work...
Martin
Come on, Fras, Abby isn't the first lawyer to pad a bill.
Frasier
Well maybe not, but you know, Abby is not that kind of lawyer.
Martin
Oh, what world are you livin' in? They're all "that kind of lawyer."
Frasier
I admit four thousand dollars does seem rather high for phone consultations. Who the hell's she talking to?
Martin
All her friends, braggin' about the new sucker she's got on the line.
Niles
This restaurant has a wonderful Roquefort ravioli.
Daphne
I kind of had my heart set on lobster. Come and help me pick one out.
Niles
I was just getting up to do that!
Daphne
No you weren't.
Niles
I was too.
Both
Spooky!
Frasier
So, Abby, you happen to get any interesting e-mails today?
Abby
Yes I did. But none that I feel comfortable discussing in front of your father.
Martin
Hey, Abby, you'll like this one, we used to tell it in the precinct: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Abby
I don't know. It depends on how many cops planted it there?
Frasier
Thrust and parry, Dad!
Abby
Excuse me. [into phone] Abby Michaels. Hold on. [to Frasier] It's a client.
Martin
[sotto voice to Frasier] Startin' the meter, huh?
Abby
I've already filed that motion, it's up to them, now. ... No, no, no. I don't think that they would try that. But if you like, I can call them, or better yet, I can send them a letter just so we're on the record. OK, bye now.
Abby
Sorry. Where were we?
Martin
[tapping his watch] Aren't you forgettin' somethin'?
Abby
Oh, my goodness, you're right. It's getting very late and I haven't even looked at the menu yet. My, so many choices. What are you guys having?
Martin
Well, I'm pretty sure someone's gettin' scrod...
Abby
So how were the lobsters?
Daphne
They were too cute to eat. I'm having the veal.
Abby
Well, I propose a toast: to frivolous lawsuits and the wonderful, charming clients they bring together.
Niles
Well, hear, hear.
Frasier
Abby, I'm sorry to spoil the mood, it's just... your client.
Abby
Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me.
Niles
Oh, I don't believe it. Donny just walked in.
Niles
I said don't look!
Frasier
No, you did not!
Niles
Can you imagine anything more embarrassing than seeing us here tonight?
Abby
Your menu's on fire.
Niles
Well, yes, that would be embarrassing... OH!
Frasier
No, not in the Dom Perignon.
Niles
Careful.
Frasier
Oh, thank God.
Donny
Hi, Guys.
Donny
Daphne.
Daphne
Hello, Donny.
Donny
Niles.
Niles
Hello Donny.
Donny
Look, I realize you guys must be celebrating, but do you have to start a bonfire?
Niles
Oh, celebrating?
Martin
He thinks we're celebrating.
Donny
Look, I know this is a little awkward, but I understand, don't worry. In fact, I'm celebrating something myself.
Abby
Oh, you won a big case, Donny?
Donny
No. I, uh, I got engaged.
Frasier
Really? Boy, that's good news.
Daphne
Yes, yes it certainly is.
Donny
Thank you. In fact, she's sitting right over there.
Donny
Wave, Nancy. Show 'em the rock.
Frasier
Lovely.
Martin
Well, that's a big one.
Niles
Congratulations, Donny.
Donny
Thank you. I was representing her in her divorce and we realized that we were... perfect... for each other. And, I know it's very sudden, but that's fate for you, huh?
Frasier
Well, good luck.
Donny
Thanks. I should get back to Nancy, and you guys enjoy your dinner. And, incidentally, the fire exits are located there and there.
Martin
Boy, that was weird.
Daphne
Now we know why he dropped the lawsuit.
Abby
Yes, he's in love.
Daphne
Or on the rebound.
Abby
Well, either way, it's good news for all of you. In fact let's order another bottle of champagne. And by the way, dinner is on me, or rather, the firm.
Frasier
Oh, no, no. I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
Martin
Don't worry, you are.
Niles
Oh, Frasier, I was just coming up to see you.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Niles. Say, you're looking a little green around the gills.
Niles
Please, don't even mention gills. The Yale Club had its annual luncheon at Vashon Island, all seafood.
Frasier
Ah, didn't agree with you?
Niles
Oh, no, the food was fine. It was the four-foot swells coming back on the ferry that didn't agree with me. I'm afraid I was forced to return my sea bass to the sea.
Frasier
Actually, I had sort of a rough day myself. I can't stop thinking about the bill Abby sent me.
Niles
Oh?
Frasier
Yes, well, after witnessing her rather slipshod record keeping last night, I, I can't help feeling I'm getting ripped off. So, I fired off a strongly worded e-mail today, insisting on a point-by-point accounting of my bill.
Niles
Oh, good idea. Nothing cements a relationship like calling the girl a crook.
Frasier
Speaking of relationships, how about Donny's decision to get engaged? My God, talk about classic rebound behavior.
Niles
Classic. Is it just me, or is this elevator swaying?
Frasier
Certainly not the wisest decision Donny could have made at this point. You know, maybe somebody should have a talk with him.
Niles
Stop! Don't even think about it. Right now the only thing Donny needs is to be left alone.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Daph.
Daphne
Hello.
Niles
Hello.
Niles
Where are you off to?
Daphne
I've got to see Donny.
Niles
Why in the world do you have to see Donny?
Daphne
I'm worried about him. He's making such a rash decision. I just want to make sure he's OK.
Daphne
It's not just about that. We never really had a proper goodbye, and I feel bad leaving things the way we did.
Niles
[putting his hand on hers] What you're looking for is... [he makes a dry heave] ...closure.
Daphne
Yeah, I knew you'd understand. [She looks closer at him.] Niles, are you feeling OK?
Niles
Oh, yes. I feel fine.
Daphne
Well, in that case, when I get back this will all be behind us. We can celebrate! I'll make us a nice big English country dinner: steak and kidney pudding.
Roz
Hold the elevator! Hey, Daphne. Niles! I need your opinion.
Niles
Oh, really, I was just about to...
Roz
I need some more classical music to tape for Alice.
Niles
What?
Roz
Yeah. Frasier gave me this list, but it has over three hundred names on it. Who do you think is best? [She holds the paper out.]
Niles
I would really rather not read right now.
Roz
Oh, oh, off the top of your head. Alice really loves those up-tempo numbers. Last night we were listening to "Peer Gynt," and she started doing all these little ballerina moves. You should have seen her, she was so cute! She would sway back and forth to the music and do these little spins and jumps. I was doing them with her but I started getting so dizzy. The room went around and around and around...
Roz
Oh, never mind, I'll ask Frasier.
Roz
Frasier, where are you going? What about the CD?
Frasier
I'm sorry. Take what you like and mark it down on the sign- out sheet.
Frasier
Niles, thank God you're here. Come with me. Listen, there was a message from Abby on the machine. She says she needs to see me right away.
Frasier
She must have gotten my e-mail. God, the message was so short that I can't really tell what sort of mood she's in. I guess if she had been really angry, she would have left some indication on the machine. Well, then again, being a savvy lawyer, you know, she might not want to tip her hand. Well, whatever happens, I feel confident that I made the right decision.
Frasier
Oh, thanks, Niles. You've been a support.
Frasier
Hi, Dad.
Martin
Hey.
Martin
Niles, great news: Tony the chili guy got his license back. Check it out!
Donny
Oh, you have the rings?
Best Man
[patting his pocket] Right here. You nervous?
Donny
Well, gee, yeah. I'm excited. I can't believe Nancy's gonna be my wife after all these... weeks.
Donny
OK.
Donny
Daphne, what are you doing here?
Daphne
Your receptionist told me you'd left for court.
Donny
Actually, this is not a good time.
Daphne
I know. You're probably in the middle of a big trial so I'll be brief. Donny, after seeing you at the restaurant last night, I want you to know I'm worried about you.
Donny
OK, this is about Nancy?
Daphne
I'm sure she's a lovely person. And I probably have no right saying this, but I hope you're not rushing into anything.
Donny
Uh, look, Daphne...
Daphne
I know, I know. I'm way out of line here. But, I still care what happens to you. Take the time to get to know each other. Believe me, you'll be glad you did when the day comes you finally do get married.
Daphne
Well, what do you know, it's here.
Donny
I'll meet you inside. I'll be one second, all right?
Daphne
I'm so sorry. My timing's so terrible.
Donny
Not really. If you hang around a few minutes, I'm sure we can get you on the wedding video.
Daphne
I really had no idea you were getting married so soon.
Donny
Well, call me crazy, but I've got a prejudice against long engagements.
Donny
Mom.
Mrs. Douglas
Oh, Sweety, you look so handsome. [She notices Daphne and gasps.] It's you!
Daphne
Hello, Mother Douglas.
Mrs. Douglas
MRS. Douglas. You have some nerve showing up here.
Donny
Mom.
Mrs. Douglas
You can beg all you want, but he's not coming back.
Donny
Mom, Mom.
Mrs. Douglas
He's done crying his eyes out over you.
Donny
Mom, Mom, she knows, she knows.
Mrs. Douglas
Why don't you go back...?
Donny
Look, Daphne, I don't mean to rush you, but is there anything else?
Daphne
Just this: I never really said how sorry I was about what happened. I really am.
Donny
Well, Daphne, if it puts your mind at ease, I know what I'm doing. I'm happy, I'm ready to go on with my life. So...
Donny
Yeah, I know. I'm... [to Daphne] Goodbye.
Daphne
Donny.
Daphne
Congratulations.
Donny
Thank you, Daphne.
Abby
Oh, there you are.
Frasier
I got your message. You sounded kind of urgent so I came right down. I suppose you read my e-mail.
Abby
No. Actually my computer's been down all day. But if it's anything like the last one we'll know what overheated my hard drive.
Technician
Give it a few minutes to reconnect to the server and then it will be up and running.
Abby
Thank you.
Frasier
So, ah, why did you call me?
Abby
Well, Frasier, I thought we could celebrate.
Frasier
Really. Celebrate what?
Abby
Well, this morning I was called down to the conference room and all the partners were there. I thought they were going to yell at me because they found out I'd given you a discount, but instead, they told me I made partner.
Frasier
You gave me a discount? I mean, I mean congratulations.
Abby
Thank you.
Frasier
Oh, my God, you certainly deserve it. [He pulls back.] What kind of discount?
Abby
You didn't even notice, did you?
Frasier
No, no I did notice. I did. I swear to God I noticed. I even pointed it out to Dad.
Abby
That's very sweet.
Frasier
You're the sweet one.
Abby
I'm not always... [she pulls her top open and off] ...sweet.
Frasier
Oh, Abby.
Computer
You have e-mail!
Abby
I'm not reading them! The office is closed.
Frasier
That's a very good decision. That is partner-level thinking.
Abby
Wait! What am I thinking? You sent me another one of those naughty e-mails, haven't you? Maybe we should act this one out.
Frasier
No, no! Actually, I just forwarded you an ad for reduced mortgage rates.
Abby
Why are you blushing, Frasier?
Frasier
Because they're embarrassingly low.
Abby
This says "Re: Our Relationship".
Frasier
All right, you're on to me. Just come here and sit down and relax. And I will read it to you. Prepare to be... scandalized.
Frasier
"Dear Abby, I read your column every week." Kidding. Now, here's the real stuff, now. Um, "I'm, ah, lying here in bed and I can't stop thinking about you."
Abby
Oh, this is getting good.
Frasier
Oh, you like that, do you? Uh, "Your golden hair cascades down your bare shoulders and I kiss the curve at the back of your neck."
Abby
I'm very lonely over here.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, I deleted it by accident.
Abby
Oh, no, that's too bad. I really wanted to hear the rest of that.
Frasier
Well, you know what? We can write a new ending together. But there's no need to rush. We'll just start very slowly, at the beginning. And then, we'll move, gently, into the middle. And then I'm sure you'll want to add a few plot twists of your own.
Frasier
And finally, we'll just...what are you reading?
Abby
Your e-mail. You printed it by mistake. You think I'm ripping you off?!
Frasier
No! No, no! I did not use those words! Actually, I, I just took issue with a couple of figures.
Abby
And you come in here and lie to me?!
Frasier
Well, "lie" is a very strong word.
Abby
Well, so is "chiseler".
Frasier
Abby, I realize I've made a terrible mistake, and I wrote some very harsh things. But, to my credit, I did attempt to delete it before you got a chance to read it.
Abby
Get out.
Frasier
Oh, come on! Look at the two of us. We can't stay mad at each other.
Abby
I said get out!
Abby
And to think that I almost slept with you.
Frasier
You still can!