The New Friend
Aired 5th December 2000 · Written by Bob Daily · Directed by Scott Ellis
Skyline
The full yellow moon rises over the skyline.
Frasier
Hello? Niles, you're forty minutes late! Listen, I've just finished my third basket of bread, and there is an angry mob breathing down my neck. What? Oh, you've torn your trouser cuff, I'm so sorry. For God's sakes, will you hurry it up! More hemming, less hawing! All right, I'll hold our table.
Frasier
Roz, Roz Doyle!
Roz
[to Luke] I'll be right back. [goes over to Frasier, nervous] Hi, Frasier. I'm on a date, please don't screw it up.
Frasier
No, I won't. Niles is running a little late, and I-I was just hoping maybe I could join you and your lucky chap for a drink while I wait for him?
Roz
I-I really don't think so, it's kind of a romantic evening, and-
Frasier
Roz, this crowd is starting to get ugly, would you please just let me come over there till Niles gets here, please?
Roz
Oh, all right! Come on.
Frasier
Thank you.
Frasier
Hi.
Roz
Luke Parker, Frasier Crane, he's joining us for a quick drink.
Luke
Oh, great! I've heard your show, nice to meet you.
Frasier
Oh, likewise. So, uh, well, how did you two kids meet?
Luke
Actually I just moved to Seattle a month ago. I live on a boat, and as I was pulling into the sloop, Roz was standing right there on the dock.
Frasier
Right there on the dock, you say? Well...
Roz
I do live next to the marina!
Frasier
Ah, yes, yes, yes. So Luke, you're a boat enthusiast?
Luke
You know anything about boats?
Frasier
Well actually, on my show I sometimes compare the human psyche to a sailboat that's borne along the surface of the conscious mind, while the deeper waters of the subconscious navigate the rudder.
Luke
So I guess the answer would be "no."
Frasier
Yes.
Roz
Oh, my babysitter! I'll be right back.
Frasier
Right, of course.
Luke
So...
Frasier
So... you know, uh, actually I'm-I'm not a total stranger to the old H20. I did row Crew at Harvard.
Luke
I went to Harvard!
Frasier
Ah, Harvard. Mmm, God, those were the best years of my life. You know, there's nothing quite like that sense of accomplishment you get when they actually hand you that diploma, is there?
Luke
I dropped out.
Frasier
Well, you didn't miss much.
Luke
I just got frustrated reading about other people's experiences and never having any of my own. So I dropped out, I built my own boat, and sailed around the world. Yeah, sometimes there's more adventure than I bargained for. Like, uh, twenty-foot seas off the Hebrides, or the time pirates rammed my boat and robbed me at gunpoint.
Frasier
Oh yeah, those guys can be pretty rough.
Luke
Oh, you've had experience with pirates?
Frasier
No, I, uh, saw a special once on "60 Minutes." You know, you should really write down some of these stories.
Luke
Yeah, I've thought about it, but I'm not much of a writer.
Frasier
Oh, don't let that stop you. All you got to do is just get it down on paper, then sort it out later. You know, I'd be happy to lend a critical eye.
Luke
Thanks. Might take you up on that.
Frasier
OK.
Roz
I have to go, Alice got a bead stuck up her nose. There's got to be some way to baby-proof her nostrils! I'm sorry, Luke, we have to go.
Frasier
You know, I-I could drop him off.
Roz
Well, Frasier, that's very nice, but-
Luke
No, no, it's fine. You go take care of Alice and, uh, I'll hang out with Frasier.
Roz
Yeah well, don't you have to meet Niles?
Frasier
Oh, he's had a tailoring emergency, it could be hours.
Roz
Well, I'll call you tomorrow, Luke.
Luke
OK.
Roz
Bye.
Luke
Bye, Roz.
Roz
[whispering] He thinks I'm thirty-one and I was in a Whitesnake video.
Frasier
Hey Dad, welcome home.
Martin
Oh, Fras! Didn't hear you come in.
Frasier
How was the fishing trip?
Martin
Oh, it was great. The worst day of fishing beats the best day of working.
Frasier
Well, now that you've proven it, can we take the sign out of the bathroom?
Martin
Oh, uh, Fras, you had a phone call a little while ago. Some guy by the name of Lou, or maybe-
Frasier
Luke.
Martin
Yeah, Luke, that's it, yeah. Said he'd call back later. Real friendly guy, who is he?
Frasier
Roz's new boyfriend. They're getting quite serious, and actually he and I have hit it off as well.
Martin
Oh, that's great.
Frasier
Actually, it is. You know, with Niles spending more time with Daphne, I-I don't have anybody to pal around with. And he's a really interesting guy. He sails around the world, locating shipwrecks and salvaging treasure.
Martin
Oh!
Frasier
God, you know, he tells some incredible stories! Yeah, it's refreshing, really - usually I'm the cool friend.
Martin
[biting his tongue] Sounds a little free-wheeling for you.
Frasier
Oh, really? Well, he's planning to salvage a French trader off the coast of British Columbia next, and he's invited me along.
Martin
Oh, that should be fun. You need a Dramamine patch just to get into the bathtub.
Frasier
Ah, Niles.
Niles
Hello! Behold, the prodigal pup returns!
Martin
Oh-ho, look who's here! Come on, boy!
Martin
[cuddling] Yeah, there you go, oh yeah. Thanks for taking care of him while I was gone, Niles.
Niles
You're quite welcome.
Martin
It was very thoughtful of you, unlike some people I know!
Frasier
Dad, it was absolutely essential that I have my floors refinished, thanks to Edward Scissor-Paws there!
Frasier
Oh thank you, Niles. [into phone] Hello? Yes, this is Frasier Crane. What? I never touched your wife! Never! But I've never even heard of... oh Luke, [laughs] you got me again! You know, that's six to one! I did so get one!
Daphne
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Hello, my love.
Daphne
Oh I'm sorry, I must look a mess. I've been cleaning fish all afternoon.
Niles
Oh please, your beauty cannot be obscured by mere entrails, [looks her over] or scales, or... is that an eye?
Daphne
I'll go wash up. [gives him a kiss]
Niles
If you like.
Martin
Hope Eddie wasn't a lot of trouble.
Niles
Please Dad, he was the perfect houseguest.
Martin
Well, give me the details. Did he eat?
Niles
Oh, like a horse!
Martin
Slept well?
Niles
Like a log!
Martin
Was he regular?
Niles
We're done here, Dad.
Martin
Just want you to know I really appreciate what you did for me.
Niles
Please, it was my pleasure. I'm really gonna miss the little guy. We actually started to bond.
Martin
Ha-ha, that's great.
Martin
[noticing] What's this tag?
Niles
Oh, uh, that's nothing. That's, uh, they put that on at the park.
Martin
[reading] "Bark Avenue?" That's a kennel! You dumped him off at a kennel?!
Niles
No, no, Dad, actually it's more of a spa than a kennel.
Martin
I trusted you with Eddie and you betrayed that trust! Why'd you do it, son?
Niles
Well Dad, it took Italian artisans three weeks to stain my Venetian umbrella stand and it took Eddie about twenty seconds!
Martin
[getting up] If I wanted him in a kennel I would have put him in one myself!
Niles
Well Dad, uh, I'm sorry.
Martin
Well, so am I. Come on, Eddie, I'll give you a bath. Who knows what you picked up in that flea trap!
Niles
Well, it was a lot nicer than that place you made us stay at Yellowstone!
Frasier
Oh hi, Roz.
Roz
I need a drink and I need it fast!
Frasier
I'll get the sherry.
Roz
Don't waste your time, I've got grown-up problems!
Frasier
Ah, the twenty-five year-old Glen Farcas. Excellent choice, no sense going for the twelve-year old stuff.
Roz
Luke's a slime bag!
Frasier
Oh, what happened?
Roz
I saw him sitting in a café with his arms around some blonde. They were all over each other! I told him off, and we're through.
Frasier
I'm so sorry, Roz. [hugs her]
Roz
I really liked him.
Frasier
I know.
Roz
And I thought he liked me.
Frasier
Yes. Gosh, you know, I just got off the phone with him. He didn't even mention it! He can't possibly think I'd still be his friend after he treated you this way.
Roz
Well, I'm really glad to hear you say that, Frasier. I mean, you were my friend first.
Frasier
Yes, of course. Oh come on, [hugs her again] I'll get you through this.
Roz
[sniffles a little] Thank you, Frasier. You know what? I'm feeling better already. [notices her drink] Oh, maybe I don't even need this.
Luke
Frasier? [Frasier comes down] What are you doing?
Frasier
Uh, I was just returning your "Chapman's Nautical Guide" there. Uh, I-I just wanted to drop it off, actually.
Luke
Without saying hello?
Frasier
Well, I had a talk with Roz.
Luke
Oh, I see. Well look, if it makes any difference, that woman was an old girlfriend. She came to town, invited me to lunch, we ordered martinis, and the next thing you know, she was all over me! You know how it is.
Frasier
[covering] Of course, I mean... But Roz is my friend. Take care.
Luke
[shakes his hand] You too, Frasier.
Luke
By the way-
Frasier
Hmm?
Luke
Thanks for your advice. I, uh, I started writing down some of those stories.
Frasier
Oh?
Luke
Yeah, I wrote the one about the pirates, and the South American one.
Frasier
Oh great, don't forget the one about the giant squid!
Luke
That was just a joke.
Frasier
[laughs] Gosh, you did it again, didn't you? Oh, you know, I'm gonna miss that. Ah, see you around.
Frasier
Say Luke, uh, you know, here's a tip: you might try writing in the present tense. It has a way of giving things a sense of urgency.
Luke
That's great! I'll try it.
Frasier
[thoughtful] Of course, if you hadn't been so thoughtless, we'd be heading for that sushi bar right now and be reviewing those notes.
Luke
Yeah, and that waitress would be there. I think she likes you.
Frasier
[chuckles] Oh, she does not.
Luke
You know what's ironic?
Frasier
Hmm?
Luke
If I had met you separately from Roz, this wouldn't even be an issue.
Frasier
No, it wouldn't. You know, the truth is our friendship does exist independently of her.
Luke
That's true. I mean, if you take Roz out of the equation, does our friendship disappear?
Frasier
It shouldn't. Of course, for Roz's sake, we'll have to keep this between ourselves.
Luke
No need to rub it in her face.
Frasier
Agreed. But, uh, for the record, I do not condone your behavior.
Luke
I wouldn't expect you to.
Frasier
I hope they haven't run out of Yellowtail.
Roz
Well, thanks for dragging me out of the house. It's been a rough week, and it sure helps to have a friend like you.
Frasier
Yeah. Roz, trust me, you will eventually get over Luke.
Roz
Well, he's not having any trouble getting over me. I saw him leaving his boat last night with someone.
Frasier
Really? Did you, uh, get a good look at them?
Roz
Only from behind. Some fat chick.
Frasier
Fat? Well, it was kind of cold out last night, there may have been layers involved.
Roz
Yeah, layers of fat. [checks her watch] Frasier, it's getting so late, I should go!
Frasier
Oh, uh, right, OK.
Roz
[getting her things] Thanks for listening.
Frasier
Well, of course, Roz.
Roz
You ever see me falling for some creep like that again, smack me.
Frasier
Don't give it another thought. You know, I think he's not worth it, all right?
Roz
Good night.
Frasier
Good night.
Frasier
Luke? It's Fras. Yeah, uh, listen, I'm free, and I thought maybe I'd swing by. We can, uh, go over and catch Marsalis at the jazz café, because "thar he blows!" [laughs] No, no, it just came to me. All right, Luke, I'll see you soon, bye. [hangs up]
Daphne
Some friend you are! How can you be with that rutting pig after what he did?
Frasier
I don't see what's so wrong about being friends with Roz's ex-boyfriend!
Daphne
Well, if you think there's nothing wrong with it, why are you hiding it from Roz?
Frasier
Well, because I, um, uh- [Martin comes out] Dad! A man has a right to choose his own friends, doesn't he?
Martin
Sure! 'Course, I think you're a rotten Judas for stabbing Roz in the back this way.
Frasier
You hear that? He said "sure!"
Niles
Guess what I have? Two tickets to the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra!
Frasier
The Orpheus! Oh Niles, nobody handles Handel like they handle Handel! [they laugh] But wouldn't you rather take Daphne?
Niles
Oh, she wouldn't enjoy it. I took her to the opera last week. Halfway through "Das Rheingold" she fell asleep.
Frasier
Astonishing!
Niles
Yes, well, it gets worse. She snorted in her sleep, and startled Wotan, causing him to drop his spear on an unsuspecting gnome. So, are you free tonight?
Frasier
Gosh Niles, I'm sorry, I've got plans with Luke.
Niles
Oh yes, your much-ballyhooed new best friend. Is that who the gift is for?
Frasier
Uh, no, no, this is for Roz.
Niles
Oh, a guilt offering!
Frasier
Well, I suppose there's some truth to that. You know, frankly I'm torn. Part of me thinks I should tell her, but I just know it would devastate her. She's a broken woman.
Luke
[as they break] I'm glad I bumped into you yesterday.
Roz
And twice this morning.
Luke
Buy you coffee?
Roz
Sure.
Roz
[gasps] Oh my God, Frasier's in there! He can't see us, I don't want him to know we're back together!
Luke
Oh, I don't think he'd really have a problem-
Roz
No, you don't know him. He's been very supportive, and if he sees us together again, he'll just think I'm weak! Which I am.
Niles
Come on, there are no pirates!
Frasier
Sure there are! Luke was pillaged!
Niles
That is so cool!
Roz
Hi, guys.
Frasier
Oh hi, Roz.
Niles
Hey, Roz.
Frasier
[she sits down] I have a little something for you. [gives her the box]
Roz
For me? Oh, what's the occasion?
Frasier
Oh, why do I need an occasion, Roz? I'm just trying to show a good friend that I'm thinking of her in her time of crisis.
Roz
[guilty] Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
Frasier
No, I do not deserve your friendship.
Niles
I deserve my own table, excuse me.
Roz
You know what? I'm gonna take you out to dinner tonight.
Frasier
Tonight?
Roz
Yes, you've been so great about this whole Luke thing. I mean, the least I can do is buy you a meal.
Frasier
Well, all right, Roz, I accept. [takes out his cell phone] Uh, would you excuse me?
Roz
Sure.
Frasier
Luke-o, F-Man. [Niles's ears prick up] Yeah, listen, uh, something's come up tonight and I won't be able to make it, all right? Great, bye.
Frasier
So Roz, where would you like to go tonight? Chez Henri has the most splendid ox-tail suree-
Roz
Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Oh, hi. Just a sec. [to Frasier] I really need to take this.
Frasier
Of course.
Roz
Hi, Luke. [Niles looks up again] Oh damn, I just made plans... Well, if you put it that way, how can I say no? I'll see you at eight, OK.
Roz
Bad news, Frasier. My babysitter's all booked up, so can we rearrange dinner?
Frasier
What a shame. [takes out his phone] Excuse me.
Frasier
Yeah Luke, it's Fras again. Listen, um, my plans just got canceled and I was thinking maybe we could... oh, really? Well, that's-that's kind of quick, wasn't it? [Niles nods to himself] Well, no problem. All right, yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow, bye.
Roz
Frasier, this is the bracelet I wanted!
Frasier
Yes, I remembered.
Roz
Oh, you're such a good friend. You're so caring and thoughtful and... loyal. I got to make a phone call, I'll be right back!
Roz
Luke, it's Roz again. Bad news...
Frasier
[as Niles goes by] Oh Niles, listen, as it turns out I am available for that concert tonight-
Niles
No you're not.
Daphne
Going out with Luke, I suppose?
Frasier
As a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with Roz. And I will have a clear conscience, because first I am going to stop by Luke's and end our friendship.
Daphne
Oh, I guess our little chat had an impact.
Frasier
So it did.
Daphne
Imagine that - me giving advice to a psychiatrist. Maybe I should be on the radio and you should do the laundry.
Frasier
Yes, what a merry time of misrule that would be.
Frasier
Oh Niles, what are you doing here?
Niles
Well, I'm taking Daphne to the concert.
Daphne
Yes, he said he'd rather go with me than anyone else.
Frasier
Indeed. Well, sweet dreams.
Daphne
Hello, sweetie.
Niles
Hello. This is for you.
Daphne
Oh, truffles, [kisses him] my favorite!
Niles
Oh, you are so sweet, you say that about everything I bring.
Martin
Oh Daph, you look great.
Daphne
Thanks.
Martin
[frosty] Niles.
Niles
Dad, I know you're still peeved about me taking Eddie to the spa-
Martin
[not stopping] Kennel.
Niles
Anyway, I-I brought a little peace offering-
Martin
Bribe.
Niles
Dad, it's from Smokey Mountain Farms!
Niles
Five different meats in one big box!
Martin
[disbelieving] Not the "Slaughterhouse Five."
Niles
They don't make a Slaughterhouse Three.
Niles
Dad, I'm so sorry.
Martin
Oh well, I was disappointed, but-
Niles
I don't want you to think you can't trust me. I will never let you down again.
Martin
Well thanks, Niles. Listen, I'm taking Eddie out for a walk. Why don't you come along, we can shoot the breeze.
Niles
Oh, uh...
Daphne
[mouth full] Go on, I need a few more minutes to get ready. [unwraps another]
Niles
Well, uh, once around the block.
Martin
Come on, Eddie.
Daphne
Take your time!
Niles
Dad, thanks for not holding a grudge. I know how much Eddie means to you.
Martin
Oh, I forgot my jacket. Here, [hands Niles the parcel] hold on to this, put the leash on him and I'll be right back.
Niles
All right, all right.
Niles
Oh, uh, it's all right, I'm waiting for someone.
Niles
[breathless] Thank you, thank you. It's OK, it's OK...
Niles
Come on, slowpoke!
Roz
Luke? Surprise, it's Roz! Luke? Luke, are you home? I got an hour to kill before dinner.
Luke
[o.s.] Come on board, I'll pour you a drink.
Woman
[o.s.] You really live here? I think boats are so sexy.
Frasier
Hello, Roz.
Roz
What are you doing here?!
Frasier
Well, I stopped by to see Luke, I heard you coming, and I came inside and hid-
Luke
[o.s.] Watch your step.
Roz
After everything he did to me, you stayed friends with him, didn't you?!
Frasier
Well, you started seeing him again without telling me!
Luke
You have the most incredible eyes.
Roz
That bastard! He told me I had the most incredible eyes!
Frasier
Roz, Roz, we can't let him know we're here!
Woman
What are all these pages?
Luke
Oh, writing a book. But I'm having a little trouble... maybe you could be my inspiration.
Frasier
That bastard! He told me I was his inspiration!
Roz
Shh!
Frasier
[sighs] We may as well make ourselves comfortable.
Roz
I guess I should have told you we got back together.
Frasier
No, I should apologize, actually. After the way he treated you, I shouldn't have been hanging around with him.
Roz
You liked him.
Frasier
Truth be told, I don't really make friends very often. In fact, the last true friend I made was you.
Roz
Oh, yuck.
Frasier
Too much?
Roz
No, I'm sitting in something wet.
Frasier
Well, just get up.
Roz
I can't, I'm caught on something.
Frasier
Here, all right, give me your hand.
Roz
Uh-oh...
Frasier
[taking the offensive] You've got a lot of explaining to do!