Frasier's Edge
Aired 9th January, 2001 · Written by Jon Shermanand Dan O'Shannon · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Well, Roz, I think we have just enough time for one more call.
Roz
Okay, we have Andy from Bremerton on line three.
Frasier
Hello, Andy, I'm listening.
Andy
[v.o.] Am I on?
Frasier
Yes, go ahead.
Andy
Can you hear me?
Frasier
Yes, you're on the air.
Andy
Hello?
Frasier
You're on.
Andy
Am I on?
Frasier
Not any more. [cuts him off] This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL, wishing you good mental health.
Kenny
Gather round everyone.
Frasier
Oh, Kenny, what's all this?
Kenny
I'm here to officially announce this year's SeaBea nominations.
Frasier
Oh, well.
Gil
He made us wait until your show was over. It was interminable.
Kenny
First of all, KACL has been nominated for a total of nine SeaBeas.
Kenny
Which ties us with KPXY, the mighty Pixie, for most nominations.
Frasier
Yes, the mighty Pixie, they do very well.
Kenny
Now, all the nominees were chosen by a panel of experts...
Roz
Just give me that!
Frasier
Good girl, Roz.
Roz
Oh, here's one: "Best Restaurant Critic: Gil Chesterton."
Gil
Oh, thank God I'm nominated! Now I won't have to attend "The Chestertons."
Roz
"The Chestertons?"
Gil
It's an elaborate awards show my wife and the dogs put on when I'm overlooked by the SeaBeas.
Frasier
Roz, I don't see our names anywhere.
Roz
No, nothing, we've been shut out. I don't believe it!
Kenny
Well, what do I have here?
Frasier
There are more awards?
Kenny
Maybe. I guess you'll just have to listen and find out. "Since 1962, the Seattle broadcasting community..."
Roz
Give me that!
Roz
Oh my God, Frasier! You're getting a lifetime achievement award!
Frasier
What? Are you serious?!
Roz
Yes, it says right here: "Since 1962..."
Frasier
Give me that!
Kenny
Hurts, doesn't it?
Frasier
When I was a boy, my parents told me to reach for the stars. Sadly, I later learned that stars are just massive fiery balls of gas, which, were I to reach one, would vaporize me instantly. But tonight, with the Stephen R. Schafer Lifetime Achievement Award, you tell me that I have reached you, and you, ladies and gentlemen, are my stars. [to Eddie] And that's where you would applaud.
Martin
I gotta say, Fras, it's really somethin', you gettin' this award.
Frasier
Yes, Dad, it's actually quite an honor. You know, customarily, they give them out to much older people.
Niles
Hello.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, flowers! How very thoughtful of you!
Niles
They're not from me.
Frasier
Well, thank you for bringing them up.
Niles
Well, actually, they were just outside the door.
Frasier
Well, thank you for bending over and picking them up.
Niles
Well it wasn't that far, the handle...
Frasier
Just give them to me!
Frasier
"Congratulations, Frasier. You must be very proud. William Tewksbury."
Martin
Who's that?
Frasier
He's my old mentor from Harvard, Dad. Gosh, you know, I read in the alumni newsletter that he was taking his sabbatical here at the University of Washington, I've been meaning to call him.
Martin
Niles, somethin' here for you.
Niles
For me, what for?
Martin
Well, this may be Frasier's night, but I just want you to know that I have two special sons.
Niles
Dad, how considerate.
Niles
"World's Greatest Psychiatrist."
Martin
See, your brother's not the only one gettin' a prize tonight.
Niles
Thanks, Dad. Oh, there's my little rose bud. Hello.
Frasier
Is it my imagination, or has she gained weight since breakfast?
Martin
Which seating? Eight, nine, or ten?
Niles
Oh, darling, you're undone.
Daphne
I know. This dress used to fit perfectly, now I can't even get it zipped halfway up. Those bloody cleaners must have shrunk it.
Niles
Let me give it a try.
Niles
Oh, my.
Daphne
Maybe if I put a jacket on. Would you come help me pick one out?
Niles
Sure, sure. You know, you should switch dry cleaners, that's the third dress they've shrunk this week.
Frasier
Dad, what do you make of this? [reading card] "Congratulations, Frasier. You must be very proud."
Martin
Well, I'd say he's happy for you. Of course, I was a detective, so it comes easy to me.
Frasier
He doesn't say he's proud of me, he says that I should be proud of myself. Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you?
Martin
No, you're splittin' hairs.
Frasier
You don't know Dr. Tewksbury like I do. He wouldn't say something like this unless he meant to say something else.
Martin
You're gonna let this ruin the whole night for you, aren't you?
Frasier
No, no, of course not, Dad. I just think it's interesting, that's all.
Frasier
You know, Dad, I'm gonna head over to the SeaBeas a little early. I'll see you there.
Martin
Why?
Frasier
Well, I thought I should... familiarize myself with the dais.
Martin
Frasier, it's just a note.
Frasier
I know, Dad.
Martin
It doesn't mean anything.
Frasier
I know, Dad.
Martin
Say "Hi" to Dr. Tewksbury for me.
Frasier
I will, Dad.
Frasier
Dr. Tewksbury? Frasier Crane.
Tewksbury
Of course! Frasier. It's good to see you.
Frasier
Likewise.
Tewksbury
How long has it been?
Frasier
Oh, gosh, perhaps...twenty years.
Tewksbury
That long?
Frasier
Yeah. Actually, I was on my way to the awards ceremony and I thought I'd drop by and thank you for the flowers. And the card.
Tewksbury
You're welcome.
Frasier
It was very thoughtful of you.
Tewksbury
I was happy to do it.
Frasier
Particularly the card.
Tewksbury
I'm glad you liked it.
Frasier
All right, let's cut the bull. "You must be very proud." Why not "I'm proud of you"? Why speculation rather than declaration? We both know there are no mistakes. There must have been some reason either conscious or subconscious that you chose these words.
Tewksbury
Frasier, I have a confession to make.
Frasier
Ah!
Tewksbury
My assistant wrote the card.
Frasier
Oh.
Tewksbury
You see, when I heard you were getting an award, I asked her to send flowers with a note of congratulations. I'm afraid you've been over analyzing.
Frasier
I see. Then again, perhaps, in that order to your assistant, you subconsciously transmitted an emotion that you couldn't or didn't want to acknowledge.
Tewksbury
Or perhaps your subconscious assigned new meaning to the words to reflect your self-doubt.
Frasier
But all art is self portraiture, and that includes the written word.
Tewksbury
However, we can only view art through the lens of our own psyches.
Frasier
Then there is no pure art.
Tewksbury
How would you know?
Frasier
God, I've missed you!
Tewksbury
Frasier, of course I'm proud of you.
Frasier
Thank you. It's so nice to know that, it really is. Thank you.
Tewksbury
Oh, I really wish we had more time to talk, but I'm taking my wife out to dinner tonight, I have to pick up some flowers before the shops close.
Frasier
Yes, yes, of course.
Tewksbury
This time, I think I'll write the card myself.
Frasier
Yes, that's a good idea. Gosh, it was great to see you again.
Tewksbury
Yes. Let's get together some evening.
Frasier
Oh, I'd like that.
Tewksbury
It's not often I get to dine with the recipient of a lifetime achievement award.
Frasier
Oh, please, it's just a trinket for a little radio show I do. Uh, not that by "little" I mean to minimize my achievement.
Tewksbury
I know.
Frasier
I know you know. I just want to be clear, so that you don't infer any meanings that aren't actually there.
Tewksbury
What might I infer?
Frasier
Oh, you know, that I'm somehow dissatisfied with my work, something like that.
Tewksbury
You also called the award a trinket. Can you imagine what I might have done with that?
Frasier
Exactly. A lesser therapist might say that I, I didn't think much of an award that they're willing to give to the likes of me.
Tewksbury
I suppose if one were looking hard enough, one could even say your coming down here was a desperate quest for approval.
Frasier
Well, that one's a little out there.
Tewksbury
Frasier, you don't have to worry. I'm not inferring anything. Enjoy yourself this evening.
Frasier
I will. Because tonight is my night.
Tewksbury
Yes.
Frasier
So long, Professor.
Tewksbury
Goodbye.
Tewksbury
Oh, Frasier...
Tewksbury
Frasier?
Frasier
What the hell is wrong with me?
Tewksbury
Yes, dear, I know we have reservations but one of my former students is having a minor crisis. I'll be there in half an hour.
Frasier
[shouting out the window] WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Tewksbury
Make it an hour.
Roz
Hello everybody.
Martin
Hey, Roz. Whoa! You look great, Roz!
Daphne
Yeah, that's a beautiful dress.
Roz
Thank you. And after two weeks of eating delicious fat-burning cabbage soup, it finally fits.
Daphne
Niles made me cabbage with me ossu buco last night. If I knew it burned fat, I would have had a fourth helping.
Niles
Well, we do have leftovers.
Daphne
No we don't.
Roz
[aside to Martin] I haven't seen Daphne in a while. Is it my imagination...?
Martin
No. Six squares a day.
Roz
That's not like her. Maybe she's depressed. That's when I eat. Did you say anything to her?
Martin
Nope. Timing's very delicate in somethin' like this, Roz. I figured I'd wait until after she's too big to catch me but before she needs the motorized scooter.
Kenny
Hey, has anyone seen Frasier?
Martin
No, not yet. What's the matter, you look pale.
Kenny
Well, I hate public speaking, and they roped me into giving Frasier's introduction and I want to make sure it's okay.
Martin
Well, why don't you run it by Niles? He's a psychiatrist too. And he's just as smart and successful as Frasier.
Niles
Dad...
Martin
It's true, you are. [to Kenny] He is.
Roz
Hey, Gil. So, where is that elusive wife of yours?
Gil
If you must know, Deb's on maneuvers with her reserve unit.
Emcee
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Seattle Broadcasting Awards. Let's get right to our first category: outstanding restaurant critic. And the nominees are: Merrill George for "Cafe Chat", Sheldon Hastings for "Here's Looking at Food" and Gil Chesterton for "Restaurant Beat." And... we have a tie!
Gil
They expect me to share? What is this, dim sum?
Emcee
And the SeaBeas go to Merrill George and Sheldon Hastings.
Gil
No, this can't be happening.
Roz
Oh, come on, Gil, isn't it enough just to be nominated?
Gil
You tell me, Miss Three-Time-Loser!
Frasier
I know I should be happy but I feel so dissatisfied.
Tewksbury
Well, Frasier, it's no accident that you're going through this on the day that you receive your lifetime achievement award.
Frasier
Well, duh. [then] I'm sorry, I'm just acting out. Please, please. Continue, please.
Tewksbury
As you know, men in our society commonly define themselves by their careers.
Frasier
Yes, I'll cop to that. In fact, there's nothing I'm more proud of than my career. It's because I love to help people, I always have.
Tewksbury
All right, refresh my memory. Wasn't it your mother who first sparked your interest in psychiatry?
Frasier
Yes, it was. I remember the exact day. I was eight. I'd come home crying because one of the older boys had thrown my copy of "The Fountainhead" under a bus. My mother explained to me it wasn't because he didn't like the way I walked or because I wore an ascot to school, it was because he didn't like himself. And at that very moment, I became a student of human behavior. It was as if someone had given me an instruction manual explaining why people acted the way they did.
Tewksbury
Not to mention a way to distance yourself from painful emotions.
Frasier
Oh, totally. I took a lot of grief for that ascot.
Tewksbury
So, you were drawn to psychiatry not because you like to help people, but because you feared them.
Frasier
I feared them?
Tewksbury
Psychiatry gives you objectivity. Objectivity gives you emotional distance. Distance makes you feel safe.
Frasier
Yes, yes, granted. But what does that got to do with me?
Tewksbury
How's your practice?
Frasier
I don't have a practice, I have a radio show.
Tewksbury
Distance. Any children?
Frasier
Yes, I have a wonderful son with whom I'm very close.
Tewksbury
You live with him?
Frasier
He lives in Boston.
Tewksbury
Distance. With your wife.
Frasier
My ex-wife - yes, I know, distance.
Tewksbury
Wasn't she a psychiatrist?
Frasier
Yes, she was. She happens to be a damn good one, too.
Tewksbury
Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
Frasier
Have you ever met Lilith?
Tewksbury
No.
Frasier
Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
Tewksbury
Have you had any other meaningful relationships since then?
Frasier
Well, as a matter of fact... what is your point?
Tewksbury
My point is that at the age of eight - at EIGHT - you began to use psychiatry as a way to deal with a world that scared you to death. And this lifetime achievement award has made you realize that your career is finite and once it's gone, all you'll have left is that frightened eight-year-old boy.
Frasier
Well... would you like to hear my theory? You have no idea what you're talking about. I am not an eight-year-old.
Frasier
And you know something else? You're not my mentor any more!
Daphne
Roz, you going to eat your quiche?
Roz
Are you kidding? This would be like pulling the ripcord on my thighs. It's nothing but cheese and butter and pastry...
Daphne
And bacon! You sure you don't mind?
Niles
I have good news. I just spoke to Frasier, he's on his way.
Martin
Oh, thank goodness. Not that I'm not having a good time with you, Niles.
Niles
Dad, I know what you're doing. You don't have to overcompensate. I'm not some green-eyed monster burning with envy for Frasier.
Martin
All right. But if you were, I bet you'd be a great one.
Roz
Daphne? I haven't seen you in a while. How've you been, are you okay?
Daphne
I'm better than okay. I'm in love with a man who loves me. He showers me with attention. Every morning I wake up wondering what treasures this day will bring. It really is the happiest time of my life. And how are you?
Roz
[choked] Good. [flat] Really good. [to Kenny] Could you pass me Frasier's quiche?
Roz
And the butter?
Frasier
All right, professor. You know, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I'm afraid you've lost your touch. Where's your DSM?
Tewksbury
Uh, there.
Frasier
"Emotionally stunted eight-year-old," my eye! [finds the reference] Ah, here's what I'm going through: "Phase-of-life issue: a problem associated with a particular developmental phase or other life circumstance."
Tewksbury
Please. A mid-life crisis?
Frasier
Obvious, really. You know, I'm surprised it didn't occur to me sooner. If someone had called into my show with this problem, I'd have diagnosed it inside a minute.
Tewksbury
And then what would you have done?
Frasier
That depends on the caller.
Tewksbury
All right. The caller... is you.
Frasier
Fine.
Tewksbury
On line one, we have Frasier Crane from Seattle.
Frasier
Hello, Dr. Crane. I love your show, I'm a big fan. [laughs, then] I won't bore you with all the details of my life... because you know them. Suffice to say, I'm a successful psychiatrist. My problem is that, in spite of the life I've built, I feel... empty.
Frasier
Ah, emptiness. The eternal void. If I'm not mistaken, it was John Keats who once wrote...
Tewksbury
Stalling. Deal with the feelings.
Frasier
All right, fair enough. Perhaps caller, if we reframe the issue...
Tewksbury
Redefining the problem. Deal with the feelings.
Frasier
Uh... let's run down Beck's Depression Inventory...
Tewksbury
Re-diagnosing. You know what the problem is: the caller feels empty. Go on.
Frasier
All right. Last month in the New England Journal...
Tewksbury
He's already read it.
Frasier
How do you know?
Tewksbury
The caller is Frasier Crane. If you did, he did.
Frasier
I can suggest certain visualization techniques...
Tewksbury
He knows them already.
Frasier
Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling?
Tewksbury
He told you: because he's empty. Keep going.
Frasier
Sometimes it helps to write yourself a letter...
Tewksbury
He's already got himself on the phone.
Frasier
I don't know what he wants!
Tewksbury
Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises?
Frasier
Because that's all I have!
Frasier
I'm sorry, caller, I can't help you.
Kenny
Frasier's up next. He's not here yet, what the hell am I gonna do?
Niles
Well, he'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
Kenny
[panicked] Stall? Stall?
Niles
Yes, like that.
Emcee
Ladies and gentleman, our next presenter, KACL General Manager, Kenny Daily.
Kenny
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Niles
Oh, fine, relax. I'll go up there for you.
Martin
No, Niles, let me do it. This night's been hard enough on you already.
Roz
You are such a weenie.
Kenny
[suddenly much calmer] Yeah. Weenie like a fox.
Martin
Actually, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Martin Crane. Kenny very kindly let me do the honors. You see, I'm Frasier's dad.
Martin
No, no. More than that, I'm the father of two special guys. So if it's okay with you, I'd like you to give a big SeaBea welcome to my other son, Niles. C'mon, Niles, stand up, let 'em see you.
Martin
Oh, here's Frasier.
Martin
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the winner of the Stephen R. Shafer Lifetime Achievement Award, my son, Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Ah. Thank you for honoring my life. Just wish I knew what to do with the rest of it.
Roz
What the hell was that?