Don Juan In Hell
Aired 25th September 2001 · Written by Sam Johnson & Chris Marcil · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Claire
I'm crazy about you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here with me.
Frasier
Oh gosh, nothing could be further from the truth.
Frasier
I'll tell you something else. I'm happy.
Lana
I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy, too.
Frasier
I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, Claire - a woman who, by all conventional measures, is "perfect" for me. And yet I've just had a vivid, sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely. [ ] It's a woman named Lana...
Diane
Excuse me, but why do I have to sit in the back seat? Seriously, my legs are starting to cramp back here-
Lilith
Seriously, why is she here at all?
Diane
I have just as much right to be here as you!
Lilith
"Here" doesn't mean the front seat!
Frasier
All right, listen, ladies, we've got about an hour to go. I would like to have a little quiet, I'm going to turn on some music.
Niles
Morning, gang. [they all ad-lib hellos]
Daphne
How's my natural man?
Niles
Mmm, as hungry as I am hairy. [kisses her]
Claire
No kidding, that goatee sure came in fast.
Niles
I know. I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical paradise — that and our nearly constant nudity. [Daphne chuckles] Gone is the citified dandy of just last week. In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysius, a lusty, insatiable - ooh, scones!
Waiter
Here is your special order.
Claire
Thank you.
Martin
I'm starving. Claire and I have been up fishing since 5 A.M.
Daphne
You've already got more fish than we could eat in a year.
Martin
Well, we didn't just fish! We went for a swim, we explored some caves, and watched a school of dolphins-
Claire
But the best part was when he taught me how to hypnotize a lobster.
Daphne
You what?
Martin
It's all in the eyes.
Claire
Hey, Marty, try this. [offers a bite of pancake]
Martin
[eats it] Mmm, not bad! Hey Niles, try this pancake! Claire had them crumble the bacon right into the batter.
Niles
Oh, I don't really like pancakes.
Martin
Well, that's 'cause you're used to Daphne's. Here.
Niles
Oh, those are magnificent!
Martin
Yeah! And Claire invented them!
Daphne
Yes, no doubt on the seventh day while You were resting. [laughs]
Frasier
Good morning, all. [everyone greets him]
Claire
Hello, my sweet darling man.
Frasier
[kisses her] Hello... kiddo.
Daphne
So, have they found your luggage yet, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
If they had, would I be wearing this shirt three days in a row? Huh, fat chance.
Photographer
Souvenir of your stay?
Martin
Oh, sure!
Frasier
By all means.
Martin
Yeah, this is a brunch to remember.
Niles
It's not a vacation until Dad takes a picture of one of his meals.
Frasier
Very good! Thank you very much, well done. [tips him]
Photographer
You can pick them up at the front desk.
Frasier
Thank you.
Claire
[gets up] Well, sorry to run off, but I have to finish packing.
Frasier
Right.
Claire
I'll see you up at the room.
Frasier
OK.
Martin
Oh, she's a real find, Fras.
Frasier
Yes, she is, isn't she? [waves the photographer back] Oh, excuse me?
Photographer
Yes?
Frasier
Do you think we could have another picture, of just the family?
Photographer
No problem.
Frasier
Thank you.
Martin
Well, what about Claire? She's practically family.
Frasier
Oh, very much so, but there may come a time when... say, she isn't.
Frasier
Thank you again.
Martin
[checks his watch] Oh, hey! We better get going, Daph. We got fish to pack! [he and Daphne get up] Oh, and I didn't fillet 'em, because Claire said you can use the heads for soup!
Daphne
Well, when I'm chopping them off, I'll be thinking of her.
Frasier
Niles, listen, I didn't want to say anything in front of the others, but I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Well, it's not so much a quandary, really, it's more of, uh, a pickle. Well, not so much a pickle, but well, but, no more than a, a... a cornichon.
Niles
What is it?
Frasier
I think I want to be with Lana, not Claire.
Niles
Forgive me, Frasier, but that's one big-ass cornichon.
Frasier
I know, I know. I'm having a perfectly wonderful time with Claire, it's just that my mind keeps drifting back to Lana.
Niles
For God's sake, why? She's loud, she's crass-
Frasier
Yes, yes, but she's also challenging, and sexy, and exciting. I'm just afraid I may have let go of that too hastily.
Niles
Frasier, you do this every time. You are in a great relationship with Claire. Don't overthink it. Embrace it.
Frasier
You're right, Niles. Thank you. Yes, I should just go with it. Gosh, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I keep insisting on overanalyzing everything.
Martin
[whispering] Because you're crazy, that's why!
Martin
Claire's perfect for you, but I like her too! How many times does that happen?
Frasier
But what about Lana?
Martin
Oh, forget Lana! Stay with Claire. [stares at Frasier, chanting] Stay-with-Claire. Stay-with-Claire.
Frasier
Dad, I am not a lobster. Of course I'm going to stay with Claire. I was just going through some momentary doubts, and I needed your guidance.
Martin
Well, glad you got what you needed.
Frasier
Thank you. I feel completely at ease now. No more doubts, no more nagging questions. I'm just being a little overly cautious, that's all.
Daphne
Who could blame you?
Daphne
I'm not sure about Claire either. God knows she has quite the fan club around here, but I think you can do much better. You'll know when you meet the right person. You feel it in your gut.
Frasier
It's true. But you see, I don't want to feel like I'm leading her on. Maybe I should just tell her what I'm going through. You know, be completely honest.
Guy
Whoa, that's just what you don't want to do.
Frasier
So, you vote for Claire?
Guy
I don't know. Lana has her good points. And don't underestimate the crush you had on her in 11th grade. But Claire can give you sophisticated conversation. And she leaves a clean area!
Guy
I don't envy you your choice. Lift your feet, please.
Niles
Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?
Roz
[glances up, then checks her watch] Yes, it's- [double-take] Niles?
Niles
[Jamaican accent] Ya, mon!
Roz
You look... did you get hit on the head by a coconut?
Niles
The coconut of revelation. I discovered a whole new side of myself in Belize, and I'm not going to abandon Island Niles just 'cause my vacation's over.
Roz
Well, Island Niles might want to rethink the short pants.
Niles
Island Niles would prefer not to wear pants at all. You should have seen us, Roz - out in the elements, nothing on our bodies but sunblock 120. It was exhilarating and primal, and... frankly, it's disappointing to have to strap myself back into these fabric shackles.
Roz
So you're going to be spending your time at the nude beach now?
Niles
Seattle has a nude beach?
Roz
Well, not officially, but just south of Alki, there's this little strip near the White House.
Niles
Thanks for the tip, Roz.
Roz
Here's another one: don't go on Thursdays, it's Senior Volleyball Day.
Frasier
Oh well, Roz, I see you've met Island Niles. At least he did you the courtesy of putting a shirt on.
Niles
[proudly] I'm still not wearing underpants.
Frasier
[to the counter person] May I have a latte, please? [sits down] Well, Roz, you'll be pleased to know I have come to a decision: Claire it is; So long, Lana!
Roz
Are you sure?
Frasier
Trust me, Roz. The brain is racked, the soul is searched, the window is closed. Claire in, Lana out.
Roz
I'm glad to hear it.
Frasier
Yes.
Lana
Hey, Roz. Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
Lana, uh, hi, uh... hello.
Lana
Wow, you look great.
Frasier
Not as great as you do. I mean, thanks.
Kirby
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Kirby.
Kirby
It's been too long.
Roz
No, it hasn't.
Kirby
Or has it?
Roz
No.
Frasier
So, what brings you here?
Lana
Well, actually we just picked up the invitations for Kirby's graduation party.
Frasier
Oh!
Lana
Roz, you're invited too. After all, you motivated Kirby to study.
Roz
Well, no, Frasier was the one who helped him. I was just his last-minute prom date.
Kirby
You were the prize that I kept my eyes on! And, uh, for your FYI, I'm cool for hanging out, just as platatonic friends, or whatever.
Lana
Um, Kirby, we should go if we're gonna pick up your inhaler.
Kirby
Thanks a lot, Mom! [to Roz] I only need it in the fall.
Lana
Well, we'll see you at the party.
Frasier
Right.
Lana
Hey, Frasier, don't you be a stranger.
Frasier
Oh, no, I-I won't. Uh, don't you be a stranger, either. To me.
Roz
Let me guess: Lana in, Claire out.
Frasier
What, that? Oh, that was nothing. It's just, she merely caught me off guard. Don't go reading anything into that.
Roz
OK, if you say so. [gets up] Listen, Frasier, I got to go.
Frasier
Oh, alright.
Roz
But let not... either us... be strangers... be.
Clerk
Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience, but, uh, at least there's a happy ending, right?
Frasier
[sarcastic] My suitcase is inside this to keep it safe?
Clerk
So...
Frasier
That is not my bag.
Clerk
Right. I'll keep looking.
Man
Have you been waiting here long?
Frasier
Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell — a place where even despair dies. Prepare yourself for a lifetime...
Man
Oh, here it is!
Frasier
Oh, well, how nice for you.
Man
Hey, you're Dr. Frasier Crane, aren't you? I'm a big fan!
Frasier
[shakes his hand] Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan.
Man
Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you give advice, you know, off the clock?
Frasier
Well, this isn't really a good time.
Man
Well, because I've really gotten my life into a tangle.
Frasier
I'm sorry.
Man
No, but, you see, I'm torn between these two women!
Frasier
I'm listening.
Man
I'm with this woman, her name's Kathy, she's great. But the only problem is, I can't stop thinking about my ex. I mean, she was a real handful, but now that we're apart, I just miss her like crazy.
Frasier
Of course you do! And no matter how hard you try to focus on this new relationship, your mind keeps drifting back to her.
Man
Exactly! I mean, I even have these, um...
Frasier
Dreams!
Man
Yes! Wow, you're good. What should I do?
Frasier
Well, what are you thinking of doing?
Man
Classic shrink response. Um, I'm thinking... do I really want to break things off with this woman?
Frasier
Who you thought was so perfect for you.
Man
OK, but how perfect could she be if I'm obsessing about another woman?
Frasier
That's the conundrum!
Man
I know, but am I sure enough to break her heart?
Frasier
Especially when the rest of the family just loved her.
Man
Yeah- no, they don't.
Frasier
Alright, stick with me, stick with me. It all boils down to this: which of these two women do you see spending the rest of your life with?
Man
Right. Right, of course. Well, I think it's pretty obvious what I have to do. What a relief! Thanks, Doc. [starts to leave]
Frasier
Wait, wait! Let's go back! Just so I'm sure you're sure-
Man
Yeah.
Frasier
Who are you picking?
Man
My ex! I mean, if I'm really honest with myself, she's the one I love. As long as I stay with Kathy, I'm just being a jerk.
Frasier
No, well, to be fair, you have struggled with these issues.
Man
No, I've really just been trying to have my cake and eat it too. [shakes his hand] Thanks, Dr. Crane. I know what I have to do now.
Daphne
I'm sorry I'm a little late, I'll start your lunch right away.
Martin
Oh, no need. Claire made the best deviled ham sandwich in the history of deviling.
Daphne
Oh, too bad. I missed her.
Martin
Mm, more good news! She's still here.
Claire
Here you go, Marty.
Martin
Oh, thanks, toots.
Daphne
Claire! I can't imagine you came all the way over here just to make sandwiches.
Claire
Oh, no. Here, let me take those. [takes the groceries] I'm making fish jerky. [heads back to the kitchen, but stops] You know the secret to making fish jerky, don't you, Marty?
Martin
No idea.
Claire
Feed 'em coffee.
Martin
Feed 'em...? [laughs uproariously, Claire laughs with him] That's terrific! You hear that, Daph?
Daphne
I'm standing right here.
Martin
Don't you love her laugh? It's like music.
Claire
Marty, you are just the sweetest! [goes to the kitchen]
Daphne
You used to think my accent sounded musical, didn't you... Marty?
Martin
Yeah, but now I'm used to it.
Niles
Afternoon, Daphne, Dad.
Martin
Niles.
Daphne
What happened to my noble savage?
Niles
[hangs up his coat] I'll tell you what happened. Roz told me about this wonderful nude beach, so I went down there this morning to check it out for us. Well, it was so peaceful I decided to do my sunrise Tai Chi, have my naked body caressed by the rosy fingers of the new dawn, you know?
Martin
Oh, jeez.
Niles
Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down to the beach and settled in for my first exercise, "Grasping the Bird's Tail."
Niles
Just at that moment, the sun peeked over the mountaintops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society.
Martin
They went to a nude beach?
Niles
No, and neither did I. Uh, the next few minutes are a blur, as I zig-zagged my way back to the car, while being pelted with driftwood and Bibles. Needless to say, Island Niles died on that beach.
Daphne
Oh, honey. Will he ever be back?
Niles
Maybe at Christmas.
Frasier
Hello, all. [sees Niles] Oh, Niles, welcome back.
Claire
Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
Claire.
Claire
Did you get your luggage?
Frasier
Uh, no. They didn't have it. Uh, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?
Claire
Sure.
Daphne
OK, Mr. Crane, it's time for your exercises.
Martin
Already did 'em.
Niles
When have you ever done your exercises before lunch?
Martin
Claire and I did 'em together. She has a way of making them seem like fun!
Daphne
Yeah, well, if they're fun they're not really working, but all right!
Martin
Actually, Claire says-
Daphne
Oh, shut up.
Claire
If we need privacy, it's either very good or very bad.
Frasier
Well, it's-it's not so good, I'm afraid. Uh, I realize this is sudden. It's just that I've been tossing and turning for the last several days, and I just can't keep going like this.
Claire
Well, what are you talking about?
Frasier
Well, Claire, I'm talking about... parting ways. I'm sorry.
Claire
It's over? Just like that?
Frasier
Claire, I realize how painful this must be for you.
Frasier
Ow! You kicked me!
Claire
Well, you dumped me!
Frasier
I said I was sorry!
Frasier
OW!
Niles
Well, I guess I'll go home and take down the hammock. I love you, darling. [kisses her]
Daphne
I love you, too.
Niles
Hello? Hello, Roz. The wrong beach, really? Thanks for the warning, that would have been embarrassing.
Daphne
Well, see you later.
Claire
Well, actually you won't. Frasier just dumped me.
Daphne
What? What happened?
Claire
I honestly don't know! I was having such a good time, and... now I'm out here. I-I don't even know what went wrong!
Daphne
Oh, um, I'm sorry.
Claire
I really liked him. I liked all of you so much. I was starting to feel like part of the family. I was... hoping we'd end up like sisters.
Daphne
Sisters?
Claire
I never had a sister, [voice breaks] just brothers.
Daphne
[voice breaks] Same here!
Martin
What the hell happened? Claire just ran out of here without even saying goodbye.
Frasier
We broke up.
Martin
What?!
Frasier
Well, I broke up with her.
Martin
You are a piece of work, aren't you? You just couldn't stand a good thing, could you? I bet you were planning on this since Belize.
Frasier
I have not!
Martin
Ah, don't give me that. You did the same thing you always do: you go around asking everybody's advice, then you just do whatever the hell you want - and it's usually wrong, by the way!
Frasier
Look, I was just being true to my feelings, Dad. There's no reason to be mad at me.
Martin
I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I knew this was coming and I let myself get attached.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Dad. Claire's great, it's just she's not the right person for me. Daphne knows! [to her] Will you tell him?
Frasier
OW! Would you people stop doing that!
Lana
Oh, come in! [sees gifts] Oh, you didn't have to do this!
Roz
[as she takes them, to Frasier] Told you.
Frasier
I sense a scholar in our midst! [shakes Kirby's hand] Ha-ha, congratulations, Kirby! Let's see the sheepskin!
Kirby
Dude! Wait until the party gets going a little.
Frasier
[trades a look with Roz, then] Good thinking. I'll just, uh, see what your mother's doing. [goes to kitchen]
Kirby
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Kirby.
Kirby
Got our prom pictures back.
Kirby
I had them retouched a little. You're smiling in them now.
Roz
[looking at the pictures] I notice you also have your hand on my ass.
Kirby
Where? Oh, you mean now. Do you not like it?
Frasier
You know, I'm having a devil of a time with this cheese can.
Lana
Just hold the nozzle close to the cracker so you make a little flower, like this. [does] Here, try one. [feeds him the cracker]
Frasier
Mmm, well, I can honestly say that is the best canned cheese I've ever had. [they laugh] Lana, listen, there's something I'd like to talk with you about.
Lana
If this is about Claire, I already know.
Frasier
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, it's just I-
Lana
Frasier-
Frasier
She's a perfectly wonderful girl-
Lana
You don't have to explain it to me. I mean, sometimes you just don't feel it. That's OK.
Frasier
Really? I thought you'd be mad at me.
Lana
Well, why would I be mad? I mean, it's not like I get a commission on every match I make. [laughs]
Frasier
So, we're OK?
Lana
Well, sure we're OK. We're better than OK.
Frasier
Right. Better than OK.
Girl
[o.s.] You total slut!
Frasier
Oh. Oh no, Roz. Uh... [gets up]
Kristi
You told me not to come because this was just gonna be some boring party with your mom's friends!
Kirby
Roz is my mom's friend!
Kristi
She was your prom date!
Kirby
...Damn, baby, why you got to be this way? I'm trying to show you respect by keeping you from seeing my other lady!
Roz
I was never his lady!
Kirby
Damn, baby, that's cold.
Kristi
She's old enough to be your mother practically!
Roz
Damn, baby, now THAT'S cold.
Kristi
Whatever!
Kirby
Wow. That did not go so great.
Frasier
Well, those things rarely do, Kirby.
Bob
Hey, buddy!
Kirby
Dad, you're here!
Bob
Oh, I wouldn't miss it for anything! [hugs his son] Where's Mom? I really need to talk to her.
Kirby
I'll go get her. [exits]
Bob
[sees Frasier] Wow, small world! What are you doing here?