Junior Agent
Aired 27th November 2001 · Written by Bob Daily · Directed by Scott Ellis
Zach
[on tape] Janet from North Seattle, you're in bed with Dr. Zach. How can I make you feel better?
Roz
Oh, yeah... [laughs]
Janet
[on tape] My husband isn't the man he used to be, if you know what I mean. It's ruining our marriage.
Zach
Are you sure it's just his fault? The signs on "Love Street" don't all point one way.
Frasier
My God, this is the competition? Dr. Zach? Please! It's nothing but suggestive, smarmy sleaze.
Roz
And he's great at it!
Frasier
Roz! You know what, I tell you what, I give this guy four, five weeks, tops.
Kenny
He's been on the air ten weeks. And frankly, we're getting spanked.
Roz
Oh, he did a whole show on that yesterday.
Frasier
Stop it! So, well... all right, he's the new flavor of the month. We've seen them come and go before. Dr. Mary, Professor Hugs, "On the Couch With Jeff and Lars."
Kenny
I don't know, Doc, I think this guy's got staying power.
Roz
He did a whole show on that Tuesday.
Frasier
Cut it out, Roz!
Kenny
Hey, you know, maybe we should try some of those theme shows.
Frasier
You know what, actually we have done theme shows. You know, I still get letters about the show we did on existential angst!
Roz
No, we don't.
Frasier
I get them at home.
Kenny
You know, I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to spice things up a little. You know, mention people's privates once in a while.
Frasier
Oh, absolutely not. My show is fine the way it is. What it needs is a little more support from this station. How about some advertising?
Kenny
Whoa, whoa, I don't want to just throw money at the problem.
Roz
Thirty seconds, Frasier.
Frasier
Right, right. Well, then how about airing some more promos on my lead-in? I mean, they get a sizable audience.
Kenny
Yeah, they do. That's why we're moving them to evening drive time.
Frasier
You mean I'm their lead-in now?
Kenny
Yeah. They're not too happy about it.
Roz
[on air] And we're back, the final hour of the Frasier Crane Show. Our next caller is Garth from Mercer Island.
Frasier
Go ahead, Garth. I'm listening.
Garth
[v.o.] See, this is kind of weird talking about to a psychiatrist, but it is something couples go through, and since I'm not using my real name, maybe it's okay.
Garth
It's... our household budget.
Martin
Any more sausage, Daph?
Daphne
I told you five links ago, you're cut off.
Martin
Oh, come on! I'm being good, I took my cholesterol pill.
Daphne
Yes, and that was the last one. You'd better call Dr. Stewart.
Martin
Oh, he'll make me go through a whole physical just to get a refill. Hey, Niles, couldn't you write me a prescription?
Niles
Oh, I can't, Dad, sorry.
Martin
Why not?
Niles
I don't have your chart, I'm not familiar with your medical history-
Martin
Oh, come on, you see me every day, you know I'm fine. Just get your little pad out and write "more pills."
Niles
What's the big deal? Why do you hate going to the doctor so much?
Martin
Everybody does.
Daphne
Not my brother Billy. He loved going to the doctors. From the time he was a little boy he'd start getting undressed in the car. And mind you, that was just for the dentist. As he got older, he volunteered for medical studies, supported himself getting all sorts of experimental drugs pumped into him. [goes into the kitchen]
Martin
Think she's finished?
Niles
Wait for it.
Daphne
[comes back with a rack of danishes] One year, he grew little boobies!
Niles
Hey, there.
Martin
Hey, Fras.
Frasier
Ah, good morning, all. [sees the paper] Dear God. Do you believe this? A full-page ad!
Daphne
[reading] "Cuddle Up With Dr. Zach."
Frasier
Yes. As if some air-brushed picture of a pretty boy has anything to do with effective therapy!
Daphne
He is awfully cute.
Niles
[looking] Yet not so much you hate him for it.
Frasier
All right! You know, that's the reason I keep losing to him in the ratings. His station keeps flooding the marketplace with this useless tripe! It's my turn now. I'm going to call my agent. Let her earn her ten percent. Tell you what, once Bebe gets through with the station, my face will be splattered all over this city! [picks up the phone and takes the paper to the couch]
Daphne
That Bebe is a monster, I don't know why you chose her.
Niles
What possessed you? Yeah, right - she did.
Frasier
Yes, well, Bebe's evil, but she's my evil. [takes a pen and starts marking the paper]
Martin
Better bring a newborn baby in case she gets hungry.
Niles
Frasier, all this over a picture in the paper, it seems a little petty.
Frasier
It is not petty. It's about getting my due as a respected member of this community, and as a titan of Seattle radio psychiatry! [finishes marking the paper and laughs] Ha-ha! Yeah, you're not so pretty with a mustache and a hairy mole now, are ya?
Bebe
Frasier Crane! I wish my eyes were sore so you could be a sight for them!
Frasier
[kisses her cheeks] Thank you, Bebe, thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Bebe
Oh, there's no such thing as short notice for my favorite client! [to her secretary] Get Dr. Crane some coffee, please.
Bebe
So, how may I serve you?
Frasier
Well, uh, actually KACL is not doing all it should to promote my show.
Bebe
Say no more. We'll put the fear of God into them. We'll hold their feet to the fire until their skin crackles!
Frasier
Thank you, Bebe, I knew I could count on you.
Bebe
Well, it won't be me personally. I think now is the time to unleash the newest member of Team Crane.
Frasier
What do you mean?
Bebe
Well, you've become too big to be served by the efforts of one adoring mortal. That's why I'm bringing on more firepower!
Frasier
Oh, I like the sound of that!
Bebe
I thought you might! Frasier, meet your new agent, Portia Sanders.
Portia
Pleased to meet you.
Frasier
[shakes her hand] We've met. Several hundred times. [to Bebe] This is your assistant.
Bebe
Not anymore. Now she's a full-fledged junior agent.
Frasier
She brings me coffee. [takes the cup she's brought]
Bebe
She'll bring you Juan Valdez on a donkey if that's what you want!
Portia
I thought we should start by scheduling a meeting to get more acquainted.
Frasier
We've met!
Portia
You've only met Portia the assistant, the girl who's spent the last four years answering phones and getting your coffee just right. Well, Portia the agent plans to take that same attention to detail when representing you.
Frasier
I'm sorry, but you've never gotten my coffee right. [hands it back]
Portia
You never said anything before.
Frasier
Yes, I have, every time.
Bebe
Portia, will you give us a minute?
Portia
Is this about me? Because I would love the opportunity to address any concerns.
Bebe
Just go outside.
Portia
I'll be outside if you need me.
Frasier
Yes, yes, that's good to know.
Bebe
Seems innocent, doesn't she? Almost naive. That's the quality that sets the trap. Then, when she's lulled her prey, she pounces, pounces like a tiger-
Frasier
All right! Bebe, what's going on here? Are you fobbing me off?
Bebe
Ouch! Do you want the knife back, or shall I just keep it in my heart? Portia will merely be looking after the day-to-day details, freeing me up for the big picture.
Frasier
Really?
Bebe
Of course. You are the rock upon which this agency is founded, upon which we continue to thrive!
Zach
Oh, sorry to interrupt, Bebe, but we have reservations at one o'clock.
Frasier
Dr. Zach! What is he doing here?
Bebe
Dr. Who? I'm confused, who are you?
Frasier
For God's sake, Bebe!
Bebe
[pushes Dr. Zach out] You were supposed to meet me in the restaurant - whoever you are! [closes the door]
Frasier
Bebe, how could you? I feel so betrayed.
Bebe
And I am just as outraged as you are!
Frasier
You know, I see what's going on here. You're trying to pass me off to your assistant so that you can devote all your attention to your new number one client!
Bebe
Nonsense. There is no one more important to me than you.
Frasier
Then let him have the junior agent.
Bebe
Frasier... we have done great things, you and I. We've climbed this mountain together and planted your flag. Now I've discovered another young man who... wants to plant his flag. Would you deny me the chance to share in that adventure?
Frasier
Yes.
Bebe
Oh, come on, don't be selfish! You'll be fine with Portia. Don't forget, she reports directly to me.
Frasier
Bebe... throughout our relationship, I have put up with a lot. But I never doubted for an instant your devotion to my career. Apparently, that is at an end. And so, therefore, is my association with this agency. [goes to the door] And, screw, may I add, YOU!
Portia
I was thinking we could have that meeting next Tuesday.
Frasier
We have met! [leaves]
Martin
Hey, Fras. You just missed your new agent. She sent those. [points to the flowers]
Frasier
I didn't miss her. I was hiding in the stairwell until she left. And Portia is not my new agent. She's Bebe's minion! Her little winged monkey! The woman has been hounding me - you know, I had to turn off my cell phone. God only knows how she got the new number.
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, did the woman from the Publisher's Clearing House reach you? She seemed quite insistent.
Martin
Wow, she sounds like a real go-getter.
Frasier
I don't care if she is, it'll be a cold day in hell before I go back to Bebe's agency.
Martin
Well, uh, you're not going to send back the flowers and muffins, are you?
Frasier
I don't see any muffins.
Martin
I mean, if she had sent muffins.
Frasier
Don't worry, Dad, there will be muffins a-plenty. Now that I am agent-less, the word will spread like wildfire! You be prepared for this phone to start ringing right off the hook!
Frasier
I didn't mean literally.
Daphne
I know, but how great would that have been? You saying, "phone's gonna start ringing," and boom!
Frasier
Yes, yes, yes. The truth is, I'm excited. I'm excited about having a new agent, I'm excited about being excited about my career again!
Daphne
Ooh, so close! [Niles tries to take away her sherry, but she waves him off]
Frasier
And so it begins. The sharks smell Crane in the water. Let's just see which one of them's hungriest, shall we? [picks up] Hello? Yes, could you hold on for just one moment, please? [holds out the phone] It's for you, Dad.
Martin
Oh, thanks.
Martin
Hello? Oh, hi, Dr. Stewart, thanks for calling me back. Um, I was hoping you could refill my prescription without me coming into the office. Oh, come on, doc! My son's a doctor, he says I look fine. [smaller voice] A psychiatrist. Okay, okay, I'll be in there tomorrow. Bye. [hangs up; to Niles] I hope you're satisfied.
Niles
Oh, Dad, we've discussed this. I'm happy to drive you to the doctor, but I can't just write you a prescription. I would never violate my ethics like that. Have you asked Frasier?
Martin
Yeah, he said the same old baloney you do. Look, I've been taking this medicine for four years, Niles. I don't need an exam, I just need a refill.
Niles
No!
Daphne
Here's a thought: Niles, you're a doctor. Why don't you give your father a full medical examination? That way you'll both be satisfied.
Martin
Can you pick me up at one?
Niles
Yeah.
Frasier
[on air] I'm telling you that most problems are resolved...
Portia
Knock, knock. I'm looking for Frasier.
Roz
Oh, he's not working today.
Portia
Then why am I hearing his show?
Roz
Well, we play "The Best of Crane" on Wednesdays.
Portia
Oh. Well, would you please ask him to call Portia? It's really important. [gives Roz her card]
Roz
Sure.
Frasier
And I know it's never easy, Rachel, but you and your husband won't get anywhere until you confront your problems head-on. [disconnects] We'll be right back, Seattle, after the news.
Roz
Can't dodge her forever.
Frasier
I won't have to, Roz, as soon as I have a new agent. Have there been any calls?
Roz
Nope, sorry.
Frasier
What? What the hell is going on? Surely someone would be interested in representing me. I still have a viable career, even if, arguably, it may or may not be going through what might be perceived by some as a... tiny lull.
Portia
[re-enters] There you are! [Frasier turns and gasps] I was leaving you a note on the windshield of your car, and I said to myself, "His car's here, so he's here, so why am I leaving a note on his windshield?" [giggles, and hands him the note] Here.
Frasier
Portia, I'm sure you're a lovely person, and I applaud your effort to find a new career - but not at the expense of my own.
Portia
But you haven't heard my ideas yet.
Frasier
Nor will I. [hands back the note] How can I make this any clearer to you? You are not my agent. You're not going to be my agent. Not now, not ever. So go practice on someone else's time, and leave me alone.
Roz
That was brutal.
Frasier
[sighs] Don't worry, Roz, I'll be okay.
Roz
She seems very persistent. That's not such a horrible thing to have in an agent.
Frasier
I'd rather have no agent at all, than let Bebe win! [thinks] You know, that's not such a bad idea. I don't need an agent, I can represent myself! I mean, I have some insight into the human mind. I think that would be helpful in negotiations. My God, I should have thought of this sooner! Just think of the money I could save!
Roz
Isn't that what you said when you cut your own hair?
Frasier
No! That was just an emotional response to an unruly cowlick.
Roz
Okay, fine. So, you represent Frasier Crane. Now what?
Frasier
Well, for one, I'll do what Bebe couldn't do: I'll get Kenny to boost the advertising budget for our show. [knocks on the glass]
Roz
Yeah, but you already asked him that and he said no.
Frasier
Yes, that was Dr. Frasier Crane asking. Now, it's Agent Crane - licensed to charm.
Kenny
[enters] What is it, Doc? Is this about promos?
Frasier
No! [laughs, to Roz] Will you believe this guy? No, Kenny, listen, I've been thinking. You know, I think it's high time that you and I got together outside of the workplace. So, there's a little club downtown that I go to. How would you like to join me tomorrow for a little... uh, a little massage, and a little steam, huh? What do you say?
Kenny
Are you kidding? I'm front and center with a fistful of singles!
Frasier
[taken aback, laughs] Kenny, hah! It-it's not that kind of club.
Kenny
Oh... fives?
Roz
What is wrong with you?
Frasier
It's an athletic club, with squash courts and a swimming pool.
Kenny
Oh, right! [confidential whisper] Gotcha. [leaves]
Martin
Hmm, I'm sure you're happy. You're not gonna be spending the next hour sitting bare-assed on some cold steel table.
Niles
And neither are you, you big baby. I'm sorry, I'd help if I could, Dad, but I swore an oath.
Niles
I wonder what this is about. [pulls over] I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
Niles
Good afternoon, officer. Uh, I didn't do anything wrong, did I?
Martin
Actually, son, you made an illegal left turn back there.
Niles
Thank you, Dad.
Cop
License and registration, please.
Niles
[as he's fishing them out] Uh, you know, officer, my father here is no stranger to the rules of the road. Isn't that right, Dad?
Niles
Yes, sir, he is, uh, intimately acquainted with Lady Law. Aren't you, Dad?
Martin
Just a concerned citizen.
Cop
I'll be right back. [walks back to his car]
Niles
Why didn't you flash your badge and get me out of the ticket?
Martin
Well, I would have, Niles, but I took an oath too. However, if you were to take out that prescription pad...
Niles
Are you blackmailing your own son?
Martin
I'd write fast, there's nothing I can do once he writes that ticket.
Martin
Officer?
Cop
Yes?
Martin
Uh, yeah, officer, I was wondering if maybe you could give my son a break. [flashes his badge] I don't think he'll be doing that again.
Cop
Well, uh, I guess this time I could let it slide. [rips off the ticket and gives it to Niles] Drive carefully.
Niles
Oh, I will. Thank you, sir.
Niles
What?
Martin
I got news for you: you didn't make an illegal left turn. That's a buddy of mine. I set the whole thing up to get you to write me my prescription! [laughs]
Niles
[fastens his seat belt] I got news for you: I just drew you a picture of a dog.
Niles
[starts the car again] R-R-Ruff!
Frasier
So, what'd you think?
Kenny
Oh, I could get addicted to that! What was that stuff?
Frasier
Steam!
Kenny
Oh, it felt so great! Everything's great here! I can't believe I never heard of this place. [sits on a bench] They should advertise or something.
Frasier
[sits opposite him] You know, speaking of advertising, I think our recent dip in the ratings is due to a lack of advertising.
Kenny
What's to advertise, Doc? Your show's nine years old. Unless there's some new angle to promote, it's money better spent elsewhere. Now if you'll excuse me, I noticed a basket of free combs by the sink.
Portia
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
[gasps, jerks his towel back on] Portia, what the hell are you doing here? This is a private club and a men's locker room, get out!
Portia
Not until you give me a chance.
Frasier
Look, I told you, I'm not interested.
Kenny
Hey, Doc, can I borrow your roll-on? I left mine at home- [unwraps his towel, turning around] HEY!
Portia
You must be Kenny Daly. I'm Portia Sanders, Frasier's agent.
Frasier
She is not my agent!
Kenny
I'm naked.
Portia
How much are you prepared to increase this man's advertising budget?
Kenny
Zero, and again, naked.
Frasier
[hands him his towel] Kenny, look, I apologize for this. Portia, you're leaving!
Portia
Not until he hears me out.
Kenny
[grabs his pants] Well, forget it, I'm out of here. [Portia snatches them away] Hey! What are you doing?
Portia
Taking your pants. You'll get them back when I'm finished. Okay, you're saving a few bucks on advertising, but with a little investment now, you can make a bundle when we syndicate!
Kenny
Are you kidding? Who's gonna want to syndicate Frasier?
Frasier
Hey!
Kenny
No, no, no offense, Doc, but if you were to syndicate-
Frasier
Kenny, I take offense! [they start arguing]
Portia
[Bebe-ish] All right! Sit down, and listen up!
Portia
Legs together!
Portia
All right, maybe you two don't see the potential for syndication... but I do. Sure, the big markets are harder to crack. But we'll start smaller - KBCD in Medford, KBAB in Boise. They're both changing their formats. After the beginning of the year, they're going to need new programming. Soon, we'll have a vast and viable audience. [gestures with the pants] Oh, think of it! The obsessive-compulsive on his tractor... the bipolar cop on his beat... the soccer mom seething with rage! [points to Frasier] And they're all out there across this great land of yours, just waiting for you to help them!
Frasier
[enraptured] I've always thought that!
Portia
Yes! [to Kenny] But I can't do any of this unless you start backing us up with some advertising! [to Frasier] And you! You've got to be ready to schmooze every station manager from Portland, to the other Portland! [steps back] I'm hungry for this. I need you both to be as hungry as I am! Are you hungry?!
Frasier
[jumps up] I'm starving!
Kenny
[jumps up] Me, too!
Portia
[normal voice] Great. Call my office Monday morning, we'll go over the details.
Frasier
Wow! That was my very first locker room pep talk!
Kenny
Mine, too!
Frasier
She took your pants, you know!
Kenny
[laughing] I know!