Bully for Martin
Aired December 11th, 2001 · Written by Eric Zicklin · Directed by Stuart Ross
Skyline
Nothing Happens.
Frasier
Terrence, I'm afraid we're nearing the end of our program, and we still haven't gotten to the heart of your problem.
Terrence
Well, uh, I guess I'm just sick of being single. I mean, I'm almost forty. What kind of loser am I?
Frasier
A single man in his forties is not a loser.
Terrence
I said I'm almost forty. Don't make it worse than it is.
Roz
Can I jump in here, Frasier?
Frasier
Please.
Roz
Listen, Terrence, I know that I'm not as old as you - or Frasier - but I've been through plenty of heartache and loneliness. I remember thinking: "Love is never going to come to me," so I gave up. And that is when a handsome, sweet-hearted man named Roger jumped off his garbage truck and into my life. And I have been deliriously happy ever since, and I feel sure that the same thing will happen for you.
Terrence
So I have to give up on love first?
Roz
No, I'm saying don't give up.
Terrence
But you said you met this garbage man after you gave up.
Frasier
Terrence, I think what Roz is trying to say is that whether we seek love or not, we are always at the mercy of its mysterious rhythm.
Roz
Exactly.
Terrence
That's not what she said, Frasier.
Frasier
[hanging up] I think we know why this guy's still single. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying Good Day, Seattle, and Good Mental Health.
Roz
Your dad called during the last segment.
Frasier
Oh, great.
Roz
There's the number.
Frasier
Thank you. Yes, he's working the early shift today, so we're going to have a dinner together this evening.
Roz
I'm going out to dinner too.
Frasier
Yes, with Roger. You mentioned that.
Roz
Did I tell you he's taking me on a moonlight picnic?
Frasier
Yes, you did.
Roz
In a canoe?
Frasier
Check.
Roz
How romantic is that? He said all I have to bring is my appetite for caviar and affection. I told him all he had to bring was his appetite because I'll be wearing my edible...
Frasier
[interrupting at this fortuitous moment] Dad, Hi! Yeah, listen, um, I've made our reservation for... [aside] Sorry, Roz.
Frasier
Yes, hello, is Martin Crane there, please? [Pause] Dad, Hi! I made a reservation for, uh, 7:30, so I'll pick you up around 7:15, all right? Oh. Oh dear. Hey, you know what? Why don't I stop by with a pizza? Okay, great. I'll see you then. Bye.
Roz
More flowers from Roger, and you have to hear this poem he wrote me.
Frasier
[into phone] Hang on a second, Dad. I've got to get a pen. I'll write that down. [aside] I'm sorry, Roz.
Woman
Good night, Marty!
Martin
See you tomorrow, Babs.
Frasier
Hey, Mister, pizza delivery!
Martin
Hey, you made it! Oh, that smells good. What kind did you get?
Frasier
Prosciutto and Fontina.
Martin
Oh, I had my heart set on a ham-and-cheese. [opening the box] Oh, you were just messing with me! Good one, Fras! [They begin to clear the desk.] Uh-oh, my boss is coming.
Frasier
Where?
Martin
I can see him on the monitors.
Frasier
I'd love to meet him.
Rich
How many times do I have to tell you to stay off this damn frequency!
Martin
Uh, maybe just go read the directory for a minute.
Rich
[approaching] Food has to stay out of sight, Crane.
Martin
Oh, right. [He begins to put the box of pizza under the desk.]
Rich
I'll take a slice, though.
Martin
Oh, sure.
Rich
[taking a slice] Hey, did you notice anyone messing with the camera in the east tower?
Martin
Oh, yeah, that was me. The way it was pointed you couldn't really see the stairs.
Rich
So you left your post?
Martin
I just thought, you know, it made more sense if...
Rich
[interrupting angrily] We don't pay you to think, Crane! We pay you to watch the monitors and keep the sign-in sheet in order.
Rich
We also pay you to button the top button of your shirt!
Man
See you tomorrow, fellas.
Martin
Good night!
Rich
[simultaneously] Good night, now!
Rich
Maybe when you were a cop you could play fast and loose with the rules, but here at Kechner security, regulations have to be followed.
Martin
Yes, sir. Do you want to look over the sign in sheet?
Man
Do you need any help?
Frasier
Uh, I-I'm sorry, no. No, thank you.
Man
You hate to ask for help, huh? You know what people who never ask questions never get? [off Frasier's gesture] Answers.
Frasier
Very interesting. Yes, um... [pointing to the directory] Ah, there it is. UCB industries.
Man
You're a UCB man?
Frasier
Yes.
Man
I'm with DNR associates. So I guess technically, we shouldn't be talking. But, uh, who takes that corporate competition stuff seriously anymore.
Frasier
I do.
Man
Oh. [He walks off.]
Rich
Look, Crane, if you really want to put that busy brain of yours to work, why don't you mastermind a way to lift the pizza stain out of your tie?
Frasier
I can't believe the way that guy talked to you!
Martin
Oh, it's no big deal. Why don't you just go home?
Frasier
But he has no right to do that!
Martin
Just go home.
Frasier
All right. I'll see you there.
Man
Well, this is awkward. Especially with the, uh, Reliance Bearings account up for grabs. Whoever wins it, wins it. Good luck.
Frasier
[with obvious enjoyment] Don't you mean congratulations?
Man
You're kidding!
Frasier
An hour ago. Don't they ever CC you guys on this stuff?
Niles
You're sure you're not exaggerating?
Frasier
Well, I'll tell you, Niles, I stood there, slack-jawed, as Dad was reprimanded like an errant child!
Daphne
[serving coffee] Well maybe his boss was having a tough day and needed someone to take it out on. You know, sometimes an employer gets so caught up in his own world that he...
Frasier
[cutting her off, increasingly indignant] I mean, after all, this is a man who served his country in Korea, who had a distinguished career as a detective, and yet he is being treated the way you [indicating Niles] would treat a grocery store bag boy!
Niles
What does that mean?
Frasier
Oh, don't you play coy with me just because Daphne's here. I have seen you when your avocados are packed under your ice cream.
Niles
Excuse me, that young man was on drugs and everyone in the store knew it!
Martin
Hey, guys.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Frasier
Dad.
Daphne
Mr. Crane. How was work today?
Martin
Oh, same old, same old. Boy, I'm beat.
Martin
Eight hours of staring at those monitors can really wear you out.
Frasier
So, Dad, did you speak with your supervisor?
Martin
Oh, don't start this again. Everything's fine.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Dad, after the way that man eviscerated you?
Martin
That's just Rich. He's one of those tough guys. It's no big deal.
Frasier
You're a tough guy yourself. Why didn't you set him straight?
Martin
I'm not going to talk back to my boss. You have to respect the chain of command. It's not always easy, but that's the way I've always done it.
Frasier
So you're just going to sit there and take it?
Martin
Oh, come on, Fras. Now, we're men. We know how to gut these things out. We don't whine and cry. You know that.
Daphne
[disparagingly] Ha! [All three of them stare at her.] H... How true. You do know that, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
You know, I'll bet the owner of the company would like to know how this Rich is behaving.
Martin
The owner of the company is Rich's son.
Frasier
Nepotism, huh? Golly, this problem just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Martin
It's not a problem!
Frasier
Dad!
Niles
Frasier! Would you listen? He said it's not a problem. I'm sure Dad's more than capable of handling himself.
Martin
Thank you.
Niles
See, he thinks you're completely out of line.
Martin
No, I just...
Niles
[interrupting] No, Dad, Dad. I got this.
Frasier
Look, you've got to have at least some kind of plan to deal with this guy.
Martin
I've got a plan. Once Rich knows I'm not fighting, he'll drop it, which is what you guys are going to do. Now I'm tired of talking about this.
Niles
See, now you've mad Dad tired.
Martin
Can it, Niles!
Niles
And cranky.
Charlie
Frasier Crane, right?
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes.
Charlie
I'm Charlie Kechner of Kechner Security. [They shake hands.]
Frasier
Mr. Kechner, nice to meet you. Please sit down. Would you like some coffee?
Charlie
Nothing for me, thanks.
Frasier
I'd like to thank you for meeting me like this.
Charlie
No problem. I like face-to-facing with new clients - especially those in the public eye who need the kind of custom-tailored security that we specialize in. So, what is it? Stalker, blackmailer, random nut job?
Frasier
I'm sorry, but I'm not actually... in the market for security services.
Charlie
Well that's strange. [reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out a paper] Because your phone message said "I'm in the market for security services."
Frasier
Yes, I can see how that may have been misleading. I, um... I wanted to meet you in person because I have a...a matter of some delicacy to discuss with you. You see, my father works for your company, and I understand your father does as well
Charlie
What does this have to do with anything?
Frasier
Well, it seems that... your dad has been picking on my dad.
Charlie
[puzzled] What? That doesn't sound like my dad.
Frasier
Well, perhaps you don't know your dad as well as you think you do. I saw the whole thing.
Charlie
Well, maybe my dad was just defending himself. Did your dad provoke him?
Frasier
No, no. I can assure you that your dad started it.
Charlie
None of the other guards has any trouble with my dad. Maybe your dad just needs to toughen up a little.
Frasier
My father fought in Korea.
Charlie
Did he? Or did you fight the Koreans for him?
Frasier
[who has no response for this] Now, Charlie, I'm sure a man of your inspired leadership has resolved conflicts between employees before.
Charlie
Sure.
Frasier
It's that kind of enlightened management that has made the name Kechner synonymous with security.
Charlie
All right. I'll look into it.
Frasier
Thank you. [They rise.] Thank you so much. Oh, and if you don't mind, could we keep this meeting between us? I'd hate to have my father think that I went behind his back.
Charlie
You're asking me to conceal something from my own father? I don't know if I can do that. On the other hand, if you were a client, I'd be obligated to keep this confidential.
Frasier
If you're implying what I think you are, Mr. Kechner, I hope, for your sake, you brought some brochures. Please...
Rich
Good night.
Martin
Hey, Rich.
Rich
Hey, Buddy! Everything all right here?
Martin
Uh, sure.
Rich
Nothing to complain about then?
Martin
No. Want some coffee?
Rich
No, no, no. I keep my eating and drinking to the break room. That way, nobody...complains.
Martin
Okay. Uh, I could use your initials on my time card if you've got a sec.
Rich
Oh, for you, I've got all night. I'll be sure to do it neatly, so there'll be no complaints. [He hands back the time card, smiling insincerely.]
Martin
Okay, what's going on?
Rich
You tell me. My son chewed me out for being too tough on the guards. Now I wonder who might have put him up to that?
Martin
Could have been any of the guys?
Rich
I think it was you!
Martin
It wasn't me. I'm not a complainer.
Rich
Good. Then you won't complain about doing a few graveyard shifts next week?
Martin
No problem.
Rich
Good. How's Tuesday, Wednesday work for you?
Martin
Actually, that's not so good.
Rich
Oh? [with increasing anger] Then how's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday?
Martin
[stoically] Better.
Roz
Hey Niles! Hey Daphne...
Niles
Hey Roz.
Roz
I called you this morning. Where were you?
Daphne
Sleeping. Mr. Crane's been working the overnight shift. It's thrown my whole schedule off.
Roz
Oh. Roger and I have been working overnight too, if you know what I mean. Let me grab a muffin and I'll tell you all about it.
Niles
Grab one for me too.
Roz
Okay.
Niles
So I can stick it in my ears. I'm just a little tired of hearing about it.
Daphne
You're tired? I've heard double whatever you have. Did you know Roger wrote her a song to the tune of "I Believe I Can Fly?"
Niles
I do now, don't I? Look, let's just not talk about Roger this one time, okay.
Daphne
That's impossible. She brings everything back to him.
Niles
Well, just leave it to me.
Daphne
Good luck.
Roz
[returning] So what are you guys talking about?
Niles
Um, medieval French history.
Roz
I've always wanted to see Paris.
Niles
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Roz
Roger says he's going to take me there someday. He says you haven't truly made love...
Niles
Oh, look at this.
Roz
What?
Niles
It says interest rates might go down again.
Daphne
Oh, just when we thought the interest couldn't get any lower.
Roz
I don't know about interest rates and all that garbage... [correcting herself] Oops. It's a good thing Roger didn't hear that. He doesn't like it when I use "garbage" in a derogatory way. [Niles and Daphne exchange glances.] Of course, he always forgives me. Isn't he a doll?
Niles
Oh, you know, speaking of dolls, I understand that the Nordic Heritage Museum is planning a huge retrospective of Icelandic dolls of the 19th century.
Roz
Hmm, is the Nordic Museum the one near Sunset Hill? Because Roger and I had the best bottle of wine there...
Niles
No. The Nordic Museum is in Ballard.
Roz
Oh. I guess I don't know that place after all.
Daphne
That exhibit sounds fascinating, Niles. When is it?
Niles
February 14th.
Roz
Valentine's Day? I guess I won't be there. Roger and I are spending the whole day together. He says it's going to be full of romantic surprises. I mean, but he gives me, like, a romantic surprise every single day...
Niles
[interrupting] Oh, well, I know girl talk when I hear it. Excuse me.
Roz
Girl talk? He's the one going to a doll museum.
Niles
Forget your coffee. Let's get out of here.
Frasier
What? And leave Daphne?
Niles
It's too late for her. We have to keep moving.
Frasier
Niles, I can't. I'm meeting Dad here in a few minutes. His schedule's been so topsy-turvy lately, I haven't seen him in days.
Niles
[sitting] Is he still having trouble with his supervisor?
Frasier
Well, yes, yes, but I believe we'll be hearing some good news on that front. No thanks to you.
Niles
What does that mean?
Frasier
Let's just say I took appropriate action.
Niles
After Dad asked you to butt out?
Frasier
I'm sorry, Niles, but if you had seen the way this man treated Dad, you would have done the same thing.
Niles
Well, perhaps.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
I just wonder if you're doing this for Dad or for yourself.
Frasier
All right, what are you on about now?
Niles
I just think it's telling that the whole thing bothers you a lot more than it bothers Dad. You can't stand to see him being bossed because to you he's always been this larger-than- life figure, and you're desperate to keep that image intact. More importantly, why is that man staring at us?
Frasier
That's Sanchez, my bodyguard. [Niles glances back at Sanchez.] It's only on a trial basis. It's a long story.
Frasier
Dad! How are you doing?
Martin
I'm mad as hell, that's how I'm doing!
Martin
I just got beeped. Rich wants me to work tonight. I'm going to have to cancel our dinner.
Frasier
You haven't had a day off in a week!
Martin
I know, but apparently he thinks I went over his head to complain about him, so now he's really turning up the heat.
Niles
No kidding! [staring at Frasier] As if things weren't bad enough for you already, Dad. [Frasier glares at Niles.]
Martin
I used to take a lot of pride in working through tough spots like this, but I don't know if it's worth it this time.
Frasier
Dad, I'm so sorry.
Martin
Oh, it's nobody's fault. I'm just getting too old for this sort of stuff. If he keeps up with it, I'm just going to call it quits.
Frasier
Dad, that's a horrible idea. You can't run away from these kinds of problems. I mean, it only encourages the torment. [Martin begins to leave.] Where are you going?
Martin
Oh, I'm going to grab a quick nap before my shift starts.
Frasier
Well, I'm trying to help you decide what to do.
Martin
I know, that's what reminded me to take a nap. [He leaves.]
Niles
Well done, Frasier.
Frasier
All right. My plan backfired. I guess there's only one option left.
Niles
Tell Dad the truth.
Frasier
All right, two options. [Niles looks at him expectantly.] I've got to go to the source this time and speak directly to Rich.
Niles
Don't you ever learn?
Frasier
He needs to know that Dad is not the one who complained about him. All right, I'll tell you what, Niles, why don't you come with me? The two of us can help him together.
Niles
Forget it, you know how I feel about this. You're on your own.
Daphne
[to Niles] Good news, dear! Roz is going to join us for shopping today.
Niles
Oh, no, I just promised Frasier I'd help him with something.
Roz
You know what Roger says is the most erotic organ?
Daphne
[hopefully] The mind?
Roz
[laughing] No!
Frasier
Well he's not even here! I can't believe this. I mean, after the way he came down on Dad for doing the very same thing. I tell you, Niles, I am not by nature a violent man, but I swear, if I have to, I will page Sanchez.
Niles
[leading Frasier away] I think you need to calm down.
Frasier
Yes, yes, you're right. I came here to talk to the man. Still the blood runs hot!
Frasier
That's him! That's him!
Rich
Let me ask you something. They pay you to fix the elevator or just spread your tools all over my lobby? [He kicks the toolbox.] You ever hear of putting down a drop cloth!
Niles
You know, by letting Dad handle this himself, you'd be empowering him, and isn't that the greatest gift of all?
Frasier
No, Niles, I came down here to stand up to that man. The time for running away has passed. [Martin's voice is heard.] Dad's here! Oh, God, we can't let him see us! Come on!
Martin
Hey, Rich.
Rich
Hey, Crane, you're early.
Martin
Yeah, I thought I'd get a head start on the checkpoints.
Rich
Well, la-de-da.
Niles
Great. Now what?
Frasier
Well, Dad says he makes his rounds every 20 minutes. We'll just wait till the next one and then slip out then.
Rich
Oh, what's this?
Martin
What's what?
Rich
There's two guys in the storage room. [grabbing his club] Stay here! I'll take care of it.
Martin
[looking at the monitor] No, No!
Rich
Why not?
Martin
Those are my kids.
Rich
Well, what the hell are they doing in the storage room?
Martin
I don't know, but knowing them, they probably came down here to fight my battle for me.
Rich
What battle?
Martin
With you. They know we don't get along.
Rich
Wait a minute! They wouldn't be the ones who complained about me, would they?
Martin
Well, I wouldn't be surprised. They're always sticking their noses into my business.
Rich
Sounds like my kid. He thinks just because I work for him he's my boss. [Martin shakes his head.]
Niles
Can you hear anything?
Frasier
No, but I guarantee you Rich is being a jerk. You know, I wish Dad would just tell this guy off.
Niles
And that would make Dad feel better?
Frasier
Oh, I don't know. But it'd make me feel a lot better.
Niles
So, this is all about you.
Frasier
To some extent. All right, to a great extent. It's just that all our lives, Dad's been the guy in charge. I just hate to see him powerless like this.
Niles
Well, how can you call him powerless? The minute you saw him, you ran into a storage closet.
Frasier
That's true.
Niles
You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
Frasier
You're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
Niles
Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
Frasier
Shut up!
Niles
[sniffing] Do you smell ammonia?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
What is that?
Frasier
[indicating] Ammonia.
Martin
The thing fell 19 stories and landed right in front of me on the sidewalk.
Rich
[laughing] That's nothing. My kid ran over my foot while I was sweeping the driveway. [They both laugh.]
Martin
You know, the scary thing is, that generation's going to be running the country one of these days.
Rich
Not as long as I'm voting, Marty.
Martin
Ain't that the truth. What are the geniuses doing now?
Rich
One of them's down there trying to breathe through the crack under the door.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake, Niles, get up, there's plenty of air!
Frasier
[in a strained whisper] Hello?
Martin
Hey, Fras, it's me.
Frasier
Dad, hi!
Martin
Why are you whispering?
Frasier
I'm in a very quiet restaurant. Yes, I'll have the pan- seared ahi with the ginger-mushroom cream sauce, and-and for a starter, I'd like the sesame-tempura string beans.
Niles
[imitating a waiter] And for the lady?
Frasier
Shut up!
Frasier
Sorry about that, Dad!
Martin
Oh, no problem!
Frasier
So, Dad, when are you starting your rounds?
Martin
I don't know. Let me ask. [to Rich] Uh, Rich, should I start my rounds now?
Rich
[feigning anger] You'd like that, wouldn't you? You're staying here!
Martin
Hear that, Fras? No rounds. Guess I'm just stuck here at the desk for five hours.
Frasier
[crestfallen] Tough break.
Martin
Well, I'll see you later.