Mother Load (Part 2)

Niles

You could live here.

Daphne

Are you asking me?

Niles

Would you like to?

Daphne

Would you like me to?

Niles

Yeah.

Daphne

Then I will.

Frasier

I gave the greatest speech of my condo board career, which led to a vote, which led to a ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the subbasement!

Martin

Think that's smart, taking on the guy who lives right above us?

Daphne

Well, the move's off.

Niles

What?

Daphne

Just temporarily. My parents are coming for a visit.

Niles

Just to clarify: you're going to stay here, but your parents are going to stay with me?

Daphne

[hugs him] Oh, I'm so glad you understand.

Niles

If she thinks you're a virgin, how are you going to explain our plan to live together?

Daphne

I wonder how important it is that she ever finds out.

Simon

Dad scarpered.

Daphne

He left?

Simon

Yeah.

Mrs. Moon

It's true. Thank goodness I have my children to lean upon.

Simon

Oh, don't cry, Mum. I really thought this junket to America would cheer you up.

Niles

It still can! [ ] Get out there and see the country.

Frasier

Yes, immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this... America.

Niles

How did you do that?

Frasier

Cam Winston!

Daphne

It was a good idea taking Mum out today, helped take her mind off Dad.

Niles

Yeah, although I'm not sure the zoo was the best idea. The sight of those amorous wolverines seemed to set her back a bit.

Daphne

Amorous? I thought they were trying to kill each other.

Niles

Well, either way, it seemed to remind her of something.

Niles

Hello, Mrs. Moon. Would you care for a bite to eat?

Mrs. Moon

Oh, that would be lovely - if I thought I could keep anything down. [sinks into a chair] How could your father do this to me? You sleep down the hall from someone for forty years, you think you know them!

Daphne

I know you're upset, Mum, but it's not like you and Dad had a perfect marriage.

Mrs. Moon

That's because there's no such thing! You young modern people think marriage is some sort of promenade through paradise, when it's more like a march through Hell with a man strapped to your back and a litter of nasty babies swinging from your teats!

Daphne

Obviously, this is a very upsetting time for all of us. But, remember, tomorrow is another day!

Mrs. Moon

You're right, dear. And the sooner you get home to bed, the sooner it'll be here.

Daphne

But it's only 9:30!

Mrs. Moon

And with every tick of the clock, your womanly resistance weakens, and before you know it he'll be on top of you like one of those bloody badgers at the zoo.

Niles

Actually, those were wolverines, and there's a chance they may have been fighting.

Daphne

It has been a long day. Maybe it's best if I leave.

Niles

All right.

Daphne

I'll see you tomorrow, Mum. [kisses her Mum and goes to the door] Goodnight, Niles.

Niles

Goodnight.

Martin

Oh, hey. You still up?

Frasier

I can't sleep. Every time I look outside, I feel like I'm living inside a giant clown's pocket. I tell you, Cam Winston has not heard the last of this. I am calling an emergency meeting of the condo board tomorrow morning!

Martin

You can't fight this, Frasier. It'll just look like you're attacking the flag.

Frasier

I'm not attacking the flag, Cam is using the flag to attack me!

Martin

You're right, but you're still going to lose.

Frasier

Yes, but-but the building has bylaws about this sort of thing. If this was anything but the American flag, people would demand that it be taken down!

Martin

Face it, Fras, Cam's got you on this one. Boy, I have to say, that guy is smart.

Frasier

Oh, really? Well, if he's so smart and you're so smart, why don't you two live together?

Martin

At least he's got a view.

Simon

Hello!

Frasier

What on earth do you think you're doing?!

Simon

Oh, sorry, I-I didn't know you was here. Uh, Frasier, this is Loretta. [she waves] Loretta... well, you know who you are. [they laugh]

Loretta

[sees the flag and gasps] I love your curtains!

Frasier

I'm sorry, miss, but we are not entertaining guests this evening. You'll have to leave.

Loretta

[to Simon] Wait, you told me this was your place! You're probably not even the Duke of England! [exits]

Simon

Oh, yeah? Then why do I talk this way?

Simon

Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you? [takes a swig]

Frasier

I've just about had it with you, Simon. [goes to the hall and picks up Simon's duffel bag] You have blown my speakers, clogged my Jacuzzi, and you have ingested half of my bath products! [throws the duffel out the door] You are no longer welcome in my home.

Simon

What exactly are you implying?

Frasier

GET OUT!

Martin

Fras, you can't throw him out, where's he gonna go?

Frasier

Oh, he'll land on his feet. Probably end up shacking up with some two-bit floozy!

Roz

Simon! [gets up and opens the door] What are you doing here?

Simon

[stepping in] Hello, love. It appears that the front door to the building is locked.

Roz

Yeah, that's how we keep drunks from wandering in. [pushes him out]

Simon

Well, I seem to be without appropriate accommodation at the moment, I just thought I'd take you up on your kind and generous offer-

Roz

I never said you could stay here!

Simon

But Frasier's thrown me out!

Roz

Sleep in Martin's Winnebago.

Simon

Well, wouldn't I love to do that. But when I got down there, there was this gigantic Humvee blocking the door.

Roz

Simon, this isn't my problem. You have got to go.

Simon

Look, Roz, I'll level with you. I know that we've had a checkered history, and I'm probably not the sort of person that you want in your house. But I'm asking for your help. As a friend, as Daphne's brother, please just let me stay one night. You won't even notice me. Just the tiniest spot on the floor would be a gift. Look, I'll be gone in the morning, I'll never darken your doorstep again. Please, Roz, I've got nowhere else to go.

Roz

...All right. I'll make up the couch for you.

Simon

Oh, thank you, Roz. You have got a good heart.

Roz

Yeah.

Simon

[boorish again] Climb on up, Susie! We're golden! [laughs] She can swing on a pole for two hours, but she can't climb up a drainpipe to save her life!

Simon

Oi, what-? [yells down] Heads up, Susie!

Niles

Two, please. [she deals him two] Thank you... ha-ha!

Mrs. Moon

Well, show us what you got.

Niles

I've got a king, a jack, a 10, and two 6's.

Mrs. Moon

Two sixes, then.

Niles

And-and a king.

Mrs. Moon

I'm sorry, love. I've got aces over deuces.

Niles

Well, that's, uh, that's the last of my mad money. I guess I'll have to win it back some other night.

Mrs. Moon

You'd better make it soon, I won't be around much longer.

Niles

Not if you keep biting those filters off, you won't.

Mrs. Moon

No, I mean I'll be going back to England soon. Well, it's nice enough here, but you and Daphne aren't the most exciting people, are you? [Niles shakes his head] No, as soon as I've sorted myself out, Simon and I are back on the plane.

Niles

Really, you are? Uh, can I do anything to help sort?

Mrs. Moon

Thank you, no. Oh, the shock's worn off, really. I've come to realize I've spent most of my life taking care of a layabout husband. Well, now it's my turn to be taken care of. Thank God I've got Simon.

Niles

Simon's going to be taking care of you?

Mrs. Moon

Oh, well of course he will! I know he plays the fool sometimes, but he'd never let me down.

Niles

Well, you've made a lot of progress in a short amount of time, so I can't tell you how happy I am.

Mrs. Moon

Oh... you good for a few more hands?

Niles

Why not? Oh! I'm out of money.

Mrs. Moon

Oh, not to worry. We can play for rubs. [props up her feet]

Niles

Oh! I'll get my coin collection.

Daphne

Still awake, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Yes. It's almost dawn's early light, and our flag is still there. [gets an idea] Daphne! As a subject of the British realm, does it make you feel uncomfortable to have your residence draped in the American flag? And if so, would you be willing to say that at a condo board meeting?

Daphne

Personally, I find it a cozy reminder of the land I dreamed of living in as a child.

Frasier

[defeated] Off I go.

Daphne

Simon! I thought Dr. Crane kicked you out.

Simon

He did, you don't see me.

Daphne

What are you doing here?

Simon

Well, I'm just getting some provisions for my trip.

Daphne

What trip?

Simon

Well, I just thought I'd go meet some mates in California.

Daphne

You can't run out on Mum, she's counting on you!

Simon

She's got the other boys back home.

Daphne

They've all sided with Dad, you know that. You're all she's got.

Simon

I'm not cut out to take care of Mum, she's too demanding. She turned Dad into a shiftless drinker. I can't have her doing that to me! [goes to the door]

Daphne

So you're just going to leave in the middle of the night and not even tell her?

Simon

Look, Stilts, if you want to take care of Mum, that's your choice, but I've got to live my life.

Daphne

You are so selfish! For once in your life you have a chance to be responsible, be a man and do right by your family! Why don't you think about that before you go flitting off to California?

Simon

Well, I'm sorry, Daphne. Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I don't have it in me. It's not who I am. I'll see you.

Niles

[whispering] Wait, wait, quiet, quiet, quiet. Don't wake your mother, I just got her down. [she comes in] What are you doing here?

Daphne

Something terrible has happened. Simon's left.

Niles

What do you mean, left?

Daphne

He's gone. He's left me to take care of Mum. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I may have to go back to Manchester with her for a while.

Niles

No, no, no, you can't do that. You have a life here.

Daphne

Well, what am I supposed to do? I can't have her stay at Dr. Crane's, there's no room.

Niles

Well, you can both live here.

Daphne

Oh, Niles, you know she'll never go for that arrangement.

Mrs. Moon

A bit late at night for a single lady to be in a man's home, isn't it?

Daphne

I'm here because Simon's left, off to California to do God knows what.

Mrs. Moon

Oh... well, but that's courageous! Good to see him finally taking charge of his life.

Daphne

He's not taking charge, he left because he doesn't want to take care of you.

Mrs. Moon

That is not so! Simon is a special boy, he wasn't meant to be kept at home. He has dreams. You wouldn't understand that!

Daphne

Now you listen to me, Mum! In case you haven't noticed, I've got dreams too! I even moved halfway across the world to make a life for myself! Do you admire that? No, you don't even acknowledge it! Oh, and by the way, I'm no virgin! Haven't been for years! You remember that boy with the lazy eye you hated so much? Yeah, he was my first! Did it right in the parlor where you take your tea! Then there was the German who fixed Dad's car! Oh yeah, and that Irish chap I fancied, who was twice my age and had his own van and a band! Then I came to America, shall I go on?!

Daphne

Well, I am a grown woman who's made her own life and her own decisions! [takes Niles' hand] Now, I plan to shack up with Niles here, and damned if we aren't going to do it every night of the week!

Daphne

That's the way it's gonna be, Mum, and if you don't like it, that's just tough!

Mrs. Moon

Is that so? Well, if that's how you repay me for all my sacrifices-

Daphne

Oh, don't even start!

Mrs. Moon

Fine! Just for that, I'm not spending another night under this roof. I intend to fetch my things, find a hotel, and be on the first flight home tomorrow! Excuse me!

Daphne

Oh God, look at me, I'm shaking! It just came gushing out, once I started I couldn't stop!

Niles

I know, it's all right, it's all right. You were great, you were great, I have never been prouder of you.

Daphne

I can't believe I talked to my mother that way. [laughs]

Niles

You must have been pretty outraged to have invented all those former lovers. [chuckles nervously]

Daphne

What?

Niles

[helping her along] All those former lovers...

Daphne

Oh, yes, right, of course! I'm actually surprised she's leaving so easily. I thought she'd milk it a bit more.

Mrs. Moon

Just so you know - I won't be needing a lift to the hotel. I shall call a taxi.

Daphne

[not turning around] Whatever you want.

Mrs. Moon

You'll see. I don't need any of you rotten ingrates, I can take perfectly good care of myself!

Daphne

Glad to hear it.

Mrs. Moon

Ow!

Daphne

Oh God, what happened?

Niles

Are you hurt?

Mrs. Moon

Well, of course I'm hurt! [they help her to a chair] Oh, get me ice-

Niles

All right, all right.

Mrs. Moon

And whiskey!

Niles

O.K.

Mrs. Moon

Not cheap stuff! Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna fly now, the pain is unbearable! Though I know I'm not welcome here. Oh, I can't say I blame you. No sense burdening yourself with an old woman... who can't take care of herself... and has nowhere else to go...

Niles

[forcing out the words] Oh, don't be silly. You can stay here as long as you like.

Mrs. Moon

Well, move along, the whiskey's not pouring itself.

Frasier

Are we fiercely patriotic? Yes. But how do we best demonstrate that? Not by infringing on the rights and balconies of others, but as most good Americans do, in our hearts, with generous spirit and quiet reverence. I respectfully submit that when we display the flag as Mr. Winston has, it flies in the face of the very freedoms for which it stands. Thank you. [sits down]

Williams

Cam, rebuttal? In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined - Ambrose Bierce]

Cam

The last thing I wanted was to create conflict. I was merely trying to boost the morale of the community.

Richman

And so you have. [the tenants murmur agreement]

Williams

I move that the flag stays. [agreement again]

Frasier

All right, all right, ver-ver-very well, then. B-but perhaps... perhaps we could display it on the north side of the building, for the benefit of our Canadian neighbors.

Cam

That was my first instinct, but it can't be illuminated at night from that side.

Richman

Lighting is a must.

Williams

Absolutely.

Richman

Then it's settled. [pounds gavel]

Frasier

All right, just-just hold on a second! I feel I'm being hoodwinked. The only reason Cam hung that flag was to get the better of me. He knows I bought the apartment for its view!

Cam

No, you bought that apartment because you're free! [agreement again]

Albert

Maybe you could have a view from your balcony in Iraq!

Richman

Yes, move to Iraq!

Frasier

No, wait, wait, wait! I am just as much an American as every one of you! Perhaps Cam would just tell us how long he intends to display our beautiful flag?

Cam

Hmm, how about until there's world peace?

Albert

Oh, that's a good idea! [agreement again]

Frasier

Oh, come on! There's never going to be world peace! [boos and hisses]

Williams

Maybe there would be world peace if there were more people like Cam and fewer people like you.

Frasier

Oh now, just a second-

Cam

[singing] Oh beautiful, for spacious skies...

All but Frasier

For amber waves of grain, For purple mountains' majesty, Above the fruited plain... America, America...

Frasier

All right, what do you want?

Cam

Your parking spot.

Frasier

You'll make all this stop?

Cam

Well, there is the matter of the flag. I can't just take it down now.

Frasier

All right, suggest the roof! I'll even spring for the flagpole.

Cam

Everyone, everyone, everyone! [they fall silent and sit] The America we love is one of good neighbors. In order to foster that, I have decided to move my flag to the roof.

Cam

This will not only serve to mend fences, but it will provide all of Seattle with a view of our precious Stars and Stripes.

Williams

You've done it again, Cam.

Richman

He certainly has.

Frasier

And, in the spirit of reciprocity, I will provide the flagpole. [no response] And any necessary lighting.

Albert

Credit grabber!

Frasier

Oh, come on, we're all in agreement here! [singing] "Oh beautiful, for spacious skies..." [no one joins in] Come on, everybody! "For amber waves of grain..."

Frasier

[gives up] Oh, all right, I'll see you next week.

Niles

How did things go at the doctor?

Daphne

Couldn't find anything wrong with the knee - big surprise.

Mrs. Moon

[holds up pill bottle] Then why did he give me sedatives, smarty?

Daphne

Because I begged him.

Mrs. Moon

Oh, fetch me my water.

Niles

Oh, I'll get it.

Daphne

[follows him] I know how she likes it.

Niles

Oh, but I know where the glasses are.

Daphne

I am so sorry about this.

Niles

It's all right, we'll manage. I can live with anything - as long as I can live with you.

Mrs. Moon

[o.s.] I'm still waiting out here!

Daphne

It's coming! Pipe down!

Mrs. Moon

Why? Am I interrupting your dirty sex?

Daphne

It's going to be interesting, the three of us living together.

Niles

Daphne, this is stupid. We should just wait until she's gone.

Daphne

No, I said I was moving in, and I'm going to.

Niles

It took you your whole life to assert your independence from this woman. I can't ask you to live under the same roof with her.

Daphne

Well, I can't ask you to live with her either.

Niles

[pouring the water] Oh well, it's just temporary. And you know what? She bothers you a lot more than she bothers me.

Mrs. Moon

[o.s.] Don't empty the sink, I'm soaking my smalls!

Niles

Well, [clears throat] we've waited this long...

Daphne

I love you, Niles.

Niles

I love you too. [they kiss and hug]

Daphne

And I promise, as soon as she's on a plane for England, I'm here!

Niles

Mrs. Moon, did the doctor mention anything about when you'd be able to fly?

Mrs. Moon

No, didn't say a word about flying. That's probably a bad sign, eh?

Niles

Yeah...