Juvenilia

Skyline

The light atop the space needle flashes.

Roz

Oh, thank you for the coffee, Kenny.

Kenny

Oh, you don't have to thank me. We're not keeping score. Life's too short to keep track of who owes who for this or that or whatnot. Let's just enjoy ourselves.

Frasier

Whatever you want, Kenny, the answer is no.

Kenny

[caught] Just hear me out. Look, I need a favor but before I tell you what it is, I want you to look at this.

Frasier

"KACL Psychographics."

Kenny

We hired a firm to sift through the program data and give us a kind of profile on each show's average listener.

Frasier

All right, let's see. [reading] Gil's average listener is a woman, mid-30's, well-educated, hmmm... What about my average listener. Who is she?

Kenny

[taking the papers] Well, actually, uh, she's an older gentleman... [Frasier reacts unhappily] who likes to keep the radio on for company.

Roz

Ouch.

Frasier

Oh, and Roz, it seems a number of listeners think you're a man.

Roz

What?!

Frasier

[indicating the data] I'm sorry the-the station spent its money on this nonsense, but this research is patently absurd.

Kenny

Regardless, you could really stand to increase your audience in the youth market.

Frasier

Well, I thought we upped the advertising budget for that very reason.

Kenny

I did, but I need some help. How would you like to be a guest on Teen Scene?

Frasier

I'm sorry, Kenny. I've done that show before, I'm not doing it again.

Kenny

Doc, you could use younger listeners. You've seen the research.

Frasier

My show is fine. That so-called research is nothing but a bunch of... confounded correlations and mediocre deductions.

Lucy

Excuse me, are you Dr. Frasier Crane?

Frasier

Yes, as a matter of fact I am.

Lucy

Can I get your autograph?

Frasier

What's your name?

Lucy

Lucy. But make it out to Paul. I volunteer at his hospice, and I think you're just about the only friend he has left anymore.

Frasier

[to Kenny] Fine, I'll meet the kids.

Niles

I have a little something for you.

Daphne

Ohh... Earrings. They're beautiful.

Niles

Try them on. I've disinfected them with peroxide.

Daphne

Niles, it's a lovely thought, but you kind of gave me the exact same pair last summer.

Niles

No, I did not.

Daphne

Yeah, take a look.

Niles

I am so sorry.

Daphne

Oh, don't be silly. It was bound to happen sometime after all the nice presents you give me. I'll just have to get pierced somewhere else.

Niles

Still, I...

Daphne

Well, well, look who's up. How was your company party, Mr. Crane?

Martin

Fine.

Niles

Sounds like it was more than just fine if you're getting up this late.

Daphne

He came in late, too.

Martin

[sitting at the table] Didn't know there was a curfew.

Daphne

[rising, moving toward him] Oh my God! Is that lipstick on your chin? It is!

Martin

I got kissed, okay? Big whoop.

Martin

There's no lipstick on my chin.

Daphne

Busted!

Niles

Well, so what's her name?

Daphne

Yeah, when can we meet her?

Martin

Her name's Peg, and nobody's meeting anyone. It was just a little fooling around, that's all.

Niles

Well, are you going to see her again?

Martin

No, and if she calls I'm not here, got it? I don't want to encourage her.

Daphne

Well, why not? It sounds like you had fun.

Martin

See, this is exactly the conversation I'm trying to avoid with Peg. You kiss a girl, and suddenly she wants to know "What does it mean?" and "When can I see you again?" "Why don't you call me?"

Daphne

[disdainfully] That's a wonderful attitude.

Martin

Hey, it was great and I loved it, but I don't want to ruin it by making it more than it was. Women never let you have a bite of ham. They always make you sit down for spinach.

Kirby

Whoa! This is embarrassing, huh? All three of us going to the same place when we're skipping out on work.

Frasier

We are not skipping out on work.

Kirby

Right, we're all at the doctor's. [chuckles "knowingly"]

Frasier

Kirby, we don't work the same hours that you do. We're done for the day.

Kirby

Oh, yeah, that's good. It's better if we don't all use the same excuse. [He sits.]

Frasier

Kirby, I think it's time for you to straighten up. You show up late every day. You are inattentive, and you have a bad attitude. How do you expect to thrive in this job or any other job? I am this close to giving you a lecture!

Kenny

Hey, guys. Uh, Doc, you got a minute? There's someone I want you to meet.

Kirby

Oh, dude, that's Emily Crowther - one of the nimrods from Teen Scene. You're not going to do that show, are you? Those guys go to my old high school. A bunch of losers.

Kenny

For your information, Kirb... Hey, I thought you were at the doctor.

Kirby

I was. Uh, he says everything is fine. He also said I probably shouldn't come in tomorrow until about 11:30.

Kenny

How dumb do you think I am? You will show up first thing tomorrow morning - after your "Meals on Wheels" delivery.

Kirby

You got it.

Frasier

[rising] Listen, Kenny, I'm actually just on my way out. Perhaps I could meet this young lady tomorrow at the station?

Kenny

Oh, come on. Say hi to the kid. She's a big fan.

Frasier

Really? Well, gosh, I would hate to appear standoffish. After all, the young lady has built up a certain image of me in her mind, and that shouldn't be crushed certainly. [He puts on his coat.]

Roz

Do we have to go through this every time? Go over there!

Kenny

Emily Crowther. Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier

Hello, Emily.

Emily

Pleased to meet you, Dr. Crane! I look forward to having you on our show!

Frasier

Well, technically, I haven't agreed to do it yet. You see, I had a rather bad experience on Teen Scene the last time.

Emily

[exuberant] Are you familiar with the new Teen Scene?

Frasier

Well, uh, no, actually I'm not.

Emily

[jumping in excitedly] Well then you don't know that we do hard- hitting journalism with a youthful bent! [slipping into obvious flattery] Of course, it's not nearly as distinguished as your show, which I adore.

Frasier

Really.

Kenny

Big fan!

Emily

Dr. Crane, may I be frank? Having you on our show would be, In your own words, "a great boon" to us.

Frasier

A boon.

Frasier

Do you really think so?

Kenny

Oh, major boon.

Frasier

Well, then, consider it granted. I'm sure we'll have a splendid time.

Frasier

Who knows, I may even learn something from you.

Emily

Oh, you flatter me, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Ah, Niles.

Niles

Who's manning the Pasquini?

Frasier

Jimmy Ray! [he exits]

Niles

Capital. [he takes off his coat and moves to the counter] Cappuccino, please. Hello, Roz.

Roz

Hey, Niles. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out buying Daphne another pair of earrings?

Niles

Oh... please, don't make me feel any worse.

Roz

Actually, I thought it was sweet.

Niles

Well, I feel just awful.

Roz

You want to know what I would do?

Niles

[hesitating] Oh, what the hell? [He sits.]

Roz

First of all, enough with the earrings. Everything doesn't have to be so fancy. Don't get me wrong. Jewelry is terrific, but sometimes a woman likes to know that you're paying attention. Mix it up a little. Do something crazy - I mean totally out there.

Niles

Are you talking about scarves? [The waiter hands him his cup.] Thank you.

Roz

[regrouping after Niles's question] OK, let me give you an example. When I was 20, my boyfriend stole a "Doyle's Pub" sign for me. We were drunk and we saw it, and he said "Hey, that's your name on that sign. You should have it." It was spontaneous, and a little dangerous... and very romantic!

Niles

[thoughtful, the wheels turning] Spontaneous and dangerous... Thanks, Roz. You've given me something to mull over during my herbal wrap.

Daphne

Oh, good. I thought you were going to miss Dr. Crane on the radio.

Martin

How many times a day is that guy on?

Daphne

It's not his show, it's Teen Scene.

Martin

Oh, I don't have time for that teenage crap. [taking off his coat] Did I get a call from a girl today?

Daphne

[carrying the tray to the coffee table] You mean Peg?

Martin

Or any girl. Or Peg. [fishing] Did Peg call?

Daphne

No. It's been a few days, hasn't it?

Martin

I really thought she'd try to spring that relationship stuff on me. Well, I guess I misjudged her. [He sits in his chair.]

Daphne

Unless she didn't like her free sample.

Martin

[grinning and chuckling] I think we can rule that out. When a lady gets the full Marty Crane treatment, she doesn't forget it.

Daphne

[coyly] And Peg got the Full Marty?

Martin

I never give anything less. So, yeah, I guess I am a little surprised she hasn't called. I mean, mostly relieved, of course, but... also surprised.

Daphne

Don't feel bad. Maybe you had an off night.

Martin

[snorting sarcastically] Anything's possible, I suppose.

Daphne

Hello? [excitedly] Well, yes he is! One moment please.

Martin

[imitating Al Pacino ("Scent of a Woman")] Hola! [Daphne rolls her eyes.] Uh-huh. Oh, I think that would be fine. Thursday at 9:00? See you then.

Daphne

Well... look who's suddenly in a relationship!

Martin

Shows you what you know. That was the dentist.

Daphne

Thank goodness, right?

Martin

Right!

Emily

I agree with you, sir. The difference between valedictorian and salutatorian is largely arbitrary.

Frasier

Thank you, Emily. I didn't mean to go on like that, but... the wound is still raw.

Frasier

Hello, Kirby.

Kirby

[icily] Hello Emily. How's Honors everything?

Emily

Splendid, thank you. [disdainfully] How's carrying a bunch of boxes around a radio station?

Kirby

Good.

Frasier

You know, Emily, I was thinking that perhaps after the show I could invite you and your friends to a... a cheeseburger or some such.

Emily

Oh, we'd like that very much. [Her grin is cheesier than the proposed burger.] Can I get you a coffee?

Frasier

Oh, yes. Thank you, Emily. You know I asked for one a little while ago, but it never showed up.

Kirby

[shouting down the hall at Emily, dodging Frasier's anger] Now who's carrying a bunch of stuff around a radio station?

Andy

Hi, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Oh.

Andy

Andy McNiff. [They shake hands.]

Frasier

Andy.

Andy

I'm the moderator. I'm really glad you could make it.

Frasier

Yes, well... likewise, I look forward to some intergenerational byplay.

Frasier

Uh, by the way, Andy, are you going to be smoking all night?

Andy

[looking at his pack, which is apparently full] Yeah. [Frasier's displeasure shows.] Look, no matter what happens, I'm on your side.

Frasier

[confused] Thank you. What does that mean exactly?

Andy

Well, uh...

Andy

Hi, guys! Your guest has arrived.

Emily

[handing Frasier a mug] Here's your coffee, Dr. Crane. These are my colleagues, Ryan and Trent.

Frasier

Trent. [They shake hands.]

Trent

Pleased to meet you, sir. We're very excited.

Frasier

Likewise. Hello, Ryan.

Andy

[on a signal from a producer in the booth] Ten seconds, guys. [He puts on headphones.]

Frasier

[somewhat nervous] Ah, right. [He sits back down.] You know, you may be surprised to learn that it was not so very many years ago when I myself occupied those tough years 'twixt 12 and 20.

Andy

Hi, and welcome to Teen Scene, Seattle's premier talk show for young people. I'm Andy McNiff, and for the next 60 minutes we'll be engaged in some straight talk with our special guest. [Frasier grins.] And here to get things rolling is our Teen

Trent

Tonight, we're talking to Dr. Frasier Crane, a man who knows what makes us tick. But what do we know about him?

Emily

Dr. Crane, you're a popular psychiatrist and radio personality. What would you say is the secret of your success?

Frasier

I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I am a good listener and have a friendly voice, and I also try to pass along some real psychological insight and advice.

Emily

[glancing at her notes] My research shows that your replies Are typically less than five minutes long. Doesn't seem like a lot of time for substantive psychological advice.

Frasier

Yes, well if I believe there's a real problem than I usually refer the caller...

Emily

[interrupting him with an evil grin] So if it's a real problem than you pass the buck.

Frasier

Excuse me?!

Ryan

February 9, 1993. Does that date mean anything to you?

Frasier

Should it?

Ryan

According to the Boston Globe you spent two hours on a ledge threatening to jump if your wife left you.

Ryan

How many of your listeners are aware that they're taking advice from a man who was nearly a stain on the sidewalk?

Frasier

Andy, isn't it about time for a commercial break?

Andy

Actually, this show is a public service, therefore commercial- free.

Frasier

[resigned] Splendid.

Martin

Well, hi, Peg! Geez, I didn't know you were working the graveyard tonight.

Peg

All this month. What brings you here?

Martin

Actually, I was in the neighborhood, and I wanted to make sure they'd fixed that elevator camera. But see, I thought Rich was on tonight, which explains why I didn't know you'd be here. [He grins nervously.]

Peg

Right. Well, it's... fixed.

Martin

Well, that's good.

Martin

Somebody broke it.

Martin

Okay, then.

Peg

See ya later.

Martin

See ya.

Martin

Hey, how come I never heard from you?

Peg

[flustered] Oh, geez!

Martin

Well, I was under the impression we had some chemistry going. I think I deserved at least a phone call.

Peg

Hey, we made out a little. Let's not ruin it by making it more than it was.

Martin

Just what I was thinking.

Peg

Good. Then it won't be awkward or anything if we pull the same shift, right?

Martin

[with feigned indifference] What are you talking about? Don't worry about me. Watch yourself.

Peg

Okay. No worries. [They shake hands.] So I'll see you around then.

Martin

Yeah, see ya.

Peg

Hey! You going to Jerry's retirement party?

Martin

I might drop in for a pop or two.

Peg

Yeah, same. Maybe I'll see you there.

Martin

Yeah. Maybe you will.

Frasier

Again, I freely admit that I assisted my ex-wife in psychological experiments on lab animals. However, at that time, putting a pair of sunglasses on a monkey did not constitute cruelty!

Emily

[smugly, confrontational] We'll just agree to disagree.

Frasier

You know I scarcely see how this line of questioning about my personal life can benefit your listeners!

Emily

Well, Dr. Crane. Every day you ask your listeners to blindly trust you. Isn't the public entitled to know a little bit more about that "friendly voice" that seems to know all the answers?

Frasier

Oh... I understand. This isn't about me at all. You see, Your combative line of questioning is completely age- appropriate. The challenging of authority, the zeal for truth...

Ryan

Speaking of truth, I have a few questions about your last tax return... [of which he has a copy, rifling through it]

Andy

I hate to interrupt, panel, but it's time for our regular news break. We'll be back with more Teen Scene fun after this.

Kirby

Dr. Crane, can I borrow you for a second?

Emily

[with the old grin] You're doing great!

Kirby

Dude, you're in trouble here.

Frasier

Thanks for the update!

Kirby

Take it easy, Mr. Snappy. I'm here to help you.

Trent

Can you believe that Kirby guy works here?

Emily

I can't believe they finally graduated him.

Andy

Now, remember, guys, you're still goodwill ambassadors...

Emily

[cutting him off disdainfully] We weren't talking to you.

Andy

[giving up, taking another drag] Oh-kay.

Trent

Everything okay, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Absolutely. I didn't fully appreciate the hard-hitting nature or your journalism, but I... I think I know how to handle it now.

Andy

We're back with more Teen Scene and our special guest, Dr. Frasier Crane.

Trent

Now, Dr. Crane, where were we?

Frasier

I believe we were discussing my competence as a mental health professional. And though it is true that I have suffered several emotional setbacks in my life, if we are to be honest... haven't we all?

Trent

And that's your defense... that we all have problems.

Frasier

Perhaps I can better illustrate my point by reading from a Poem entitled, "An Onion for Trisha."

Trent

[taken aback] Where did you get that?

Frasier

[reading] "My heart is like an onion, filled with layers of tears. Why, oh, why did you leave me, Trisha?"

Trent

Okay, give me that.

Emily

[clearly upset] Trisha Sharpe? You said you never liked her!

Frasier

[gleefully] Ooh, Trent, tough blow! Yes, it seems that youthful relationships are fraught with emotional hazards. Especially in the case of a — [flips to another page] a young woman who finds her first love at Math Camp.

Trent

What happened at Math Camp?!

Emily

[highly distressed] I don't want to talk about it!

Ryan

[trying to save the situation] Uh, Dr. Crane!

Frasier

Yes, Ryan. [leafing through the notebook] Or as the boys on the swim team call you...

Ryan

[cutting in desperately] So, do you have any good advice for kids that want to go to college?

Frasier

As a matter of fact, I believe I do.

Frasier

In short, caller, there is nothing wrong with you, and you're not going to get sick. But remember, the more frequently you do it, the less special it becomes.

Frasier

I hope that answers your question.

Mike

[v.o.] Uh, yeah. Well, uh, thanks a lot.

Andy

Well, that about wraps it up for tonight's Teen Scene. For Trent, Ryan, and Emily, this is Andy McNiff - reminding you we're still taking applications for the moderator's job - and wishing you a teen-tastic week. Good night!

Frasier

Thanks, kids, I had fun!

Trent

[icily] Yeah, thanks.

Andy

Thank you. You made my month.

Kirby

Way to go, Dr. Crane, that was sweet!

Frasier

I'm not exactly proud of myself, Kirby.

Kirby

Oh, you should be, man, those dinks brought it on themselves. They were, like, "We're gonna get this old dude!" and then you were, like, "Old dude! Say what?" and then they were like "Wham bam!... [he descends into gibberish imitations of their arguing.] It was awesome.

Frasier

Well said, Kirby. And thank you for helping me out. By the way, how did you dig up all that stuff?

Kirby

Uh, let's just say I've got a few operatives who were, uh, Held back.

Frasier

Ah.

Kirby

Hey, you know, why don't you and I continue this conversation over a... a cheeseburger or some such.

Frasier

I'd like that very much.