The Proposal
Aired 4th February 2002 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Wil Shriner
Frasier
Niles, are you sure you want to do this without Daphne? You know, when Lilith and I got engaged, she insisted on being involved with the ring selection process.
Niles
I appreciate your concern, Frasier, but I want to surprise her.
Martin
[pointing] How 'bout this one? It's nice and sparkly.
Niles
[looking] That's an earring, Dad.
Martin
Huh? Oh, I guess I better put on my glasses.
Frasier
Niles, prepare to relinquish your breath.
Niles
Which one?
Frasier
That one right there.
Niles
Next to the gaudy one?
Niles
The GAUDY one?
Frasier
All right, all right, which one do you like?
Niles
I was thinking of something more along the lines of that one, with the feathered band. What do you think?
Frasier
I think it's a good thing I'm here to talk you out of it.
Niles
I'm think I'm starting to regret bringing you along at all.
Frasier
I think it's a...
Clerk
Gentlemen, gentlemen, I'm sure we can find something that will bring you both a lifetime of happiness.
Martin
[laughing] Oh, no! They're not a couple! My son Niles is here to pick out an engagement ring for his girlfriend Daphne. And Frasier, who's been married twice, just came along to help him.
Clerk
I'm very sorry, I'll come back when you've had more time to look around.
Niles
Where did that come from?
Frasier
I mean, REALLY! To just assume something like that, out of the blue...
Both
Latent!
Martin
Well you gotta admit, it wasn't such a big leap, given the situation.
Frasier
And just what is that supposed to...?
Frasier
What bejeweled seraph has escaped her provenance now?
Martin
I'm gonna go see if there's a line at the Orange Julius.
Frasier
Now, I have several candidates, Niles, but before you turn up your nose at this...
Niles
That's it, right there. That's Daphne's ring.
Frasier
The very one I was going to show you.
Niles
Stylish...
Frasier
Classic...
Niles
Stunning... Daphne. [to the clerk] Excuse me? I'd like to see that one, please.
Clerk
Excellent choice, sir.
Frasier
Do you know her ring size?
Niles
Oh, even better, her ring finger is exactly the same size as mine.
Clerk
Well, perhaps you should try this on, then.
Niles
Oh, it's...
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous. I think it just hit me what this all means.
Niles
What happened?
Frasier
Nothing, it's just my back. It's been acting up a bit in the last week.
Niles
Well, here, do you want me to give you a hand up?
Frasier
No, no, here's the ring, I'll just stay down here for a moment.
Frasier
Does it fit? Oh, here, let me help. No, come on. Oh, Niles.
Niles
Frasier, it's perfect! You know, I always dreamed this would happen!
Martin
No, wait! They're not a couple!
Martin
Oh, jeez.
Roz
Hey, Niles.
Roz
Is something wrong?
Niles
No, no, I uh...
Roz
Oh my God, is that Daphne's proposal?
Niles
What? No, I don't, what are you...
Roz
Frasier told me.
Niles
That gossiping ninny!
Roz
Don't worry, he swore me to secrecy.
Niles
I swore HIM to secrecy!
Roz
So how's it coming?
Niles
I'm afraid I poured so much emotion into this speech I don't know if I can say it all without crying.
Roz
Oh, that's okay. Women like a man who isn't afraid to shed a few tears.
Niles
Last time I got all the way through it, I got dehydrated.
Roz
Well, maybe if you cut it down a little bit, you could get through it before the waterworks start. Let me take a look?
Roz
Well, what about this paragraph here? I mean, aren't words like "hopeless" and "despairing" kind of a downer in a proposal?
Niles
Oh, well this is where I describe my life before I met her. See, and then comes the part where she comes along and the meter changes to a more sprightly iambic
Roz
It's all right. I'm sure there's other stuff we can cut.
Roz
Thank you. Okay, like here: I mean, now do you really have to compare her to three different roses?
Niles
Well, which one would you have me eliminate? The one that represents her beauty or her passion or... [breaking down again] her sense of humor...
Roz
Niles, you're just making this too complicated. I mean, all we really want is for a guy to get down on one knee and say, "I love you. Will you be my... wife?"
Frasier
Excellent. Nice bite, smooth oaky blend.
Niles
Mmm, lovely finish. I think this is definitely a contender. How about you, Dad?
Martin
Well, this one dislodged that piece of pot roast that's been buggin' me since lunch.
Martin
I'm sorry, Niles, I'm just not the right guy to help you pick a wine for your proposal dinner.
Niles
Well, Dad, this is an important night for me, and, and I want you to play an important part.
Martin
I guess it is an honor to be included. Thanks. [rising] Well, time to cleanse my palate, I'm gonna get a beer.
Niles
[leans forward] Now?
Frasier
Not yet.
Niles
Well, exactly how drunk does he have to get?
Frasier
[pouring more wine] To agree to take Daphne's mother out while you propose to her? DRUNK, Niles.
Niles
You're right. Fill 'er up. Go ahead.
Martin
[offstage] Whoopsy.
Niles
You're sure he hasn't had enough?
Frasier
Dad, what was the name of that widow you dated several years ago?
Martin
You mean Claire Wojadubakowski?
Frasier
Not yet.
Martin
Well, my taste buds are all sudsy clean.
Niles
Let's dive right back in. Bottom's up.
Martin
Boy, I tell ya, I haven't had this much to drink since the night I proposed to your mother.
Niles
Really?
Martin
Yeah. That was quite a night, I was nervous as hell...
Frasier
I love this story.
Martin
And then she said "No."
Frasier
What? I've never heard this version.
Martin
Well, she wanted to get married, but she just wasn't ready.
Frasier
Well, what was it that finally convinced her to say "Yes"?
Martin
Oh, you don't want to know.
Frasier
Well, come on, Dad, what Marty Crane magic did you weave to get her to change her mind?
Martin
Actually, I didn't change her mind, Fras. You did.
Frasier
Oh, dear God!
Martin
I'll never forget the look on that minister's face when your mother waddled down the aisle of Saint Barthalelamew. Did you hear what I said? I said "Barthalamar..."
Niles
Dad, there's a question I've been meaning to ask you...
Frasier
Niles, how can you change the subject after this bombshell?
Frasier
You knew?
Niles
Well, remember that time I had the chicken pox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
Frasier
Oh, go ahead.
Niles
Thank you. So, uh, listen, Dad. Daphne and I, of course, want to be alone on the big night.
Martin
[laughs and nudges him] Oh, yeah.
Niles
And I was wondering if perhaps you could take Daphne's mother out for the evening.
Martin
You want me to take out Daphne's mother?! Is that what this has all been about?
Niles
No! More wine?
Martin
I can't stand that woman! But if it'll help you out, sure I'll do it. I'll go out with her.
Niles
Oh, Dad, thank you! I will never forget this.
Martin
Forget what? Ha! Just kiddin' ya.
Daphne
Hello, all.
Niles
[rising] Hello. How was the movie?
Gertrude
Not bad, considering my daughter's famous sense of direction made us forty-five minutes late. Then she got me popcorn without butter and kept shushing me, just because I can predict what people will say next in a movie. [sweetly] Hello, Marty.
Martin
Ah, excuse me.
Martin
I need a beer! Now, now!
Frasier
Dad, you know we were just talking about the fact that I was a, a guest at your wedding?
Martin
Yeah?
Frasier
Well, it's just the least bit startling and I have always respected you and Mother and the decisions that you made throughout your lifetime, but this information does beg one question. Dad, am I...?
Martin
A year older? No. Your birthday's the same, we just faked our anniversary all these years.
Frasier
[collapsing with relief] Oh, thank heavens!
Gertrude
You know, Marty, I'm not surprised you asked me out.
Martin
Um, you're not?
Gertrude
Oh, don't be coy. A romantic boat ride to a remote island. I know when a man's trying to seduce me.
Martin
Uh, Mrs. Moon...
Gertrude
Oh, it was inevitable, really. I mean, here we are, two comfortable old shoes, looking for new mates.
Martin
Actually, I'm not that comfortable.
Gertrude
Oh, maybe you just need someone to break you in.
Suzy
Isn't that Marty Crane, from work?
Peg
Right.
Suzy
Didn't you two have a thing goin' on?
Peg
No, we just made out at the office party.
Suzy
Then what happened? Blew you off?
Peg
Actually, I think he was kind of interested. He slipped a Note in my lunch, he drove past my house, he called me a couple of times and hung up.
Suzy
And you didn't do anything. What were you thinking? He's cute.
Peg
He is cute, isn't he?
Gertrude
What a wonderful sunset. I bet you ordered it just for me, didn't you, Marty?
Martin
Actually, the sun goes down almost every night.
Gertrude
Oh, you! Stop making me fall in love with you.
Martin
Uh, you know, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding here. I didn't mean this to be a DATE date, more of a friendship thing. You know, I really enjoy your company...
Gertrude
No, no. I should have known. [getting up] What could you possibly want with a dried-up old prune like me?
Martin
[following her] You're not a dried-up old...
Gertrude
Please, I don't want your pity. I'll just stand at the bar and drink all night. Even though my doctor told me one more episode could cost me me liver.
Martin
Oh, now come on...
Gertrude
If you want to pretend not to know me, I'll understand completely.
Martin
Look, you've misunderstood what I said.
Gertrude
Oh, then you don't think I'm unattractive?
Martin
Unattractive? You said that, not me.
Suzy
It's not too late, go over there and say hello.
Peg
He's with somebody! It'd be weird.
Suzy
You don't have to make a play for him, just say hello. You Can tell by his reaction whether or not he's still interested.
Martin
Gertrude, this is wrong. Your husband just left you, you're vulnerable.
Gertrude
I'm not vulnerable. I'm ripe and receptive.
Martin
Okay, I'll tell you the truth. You know, I was shot, right?
Gertrude
Yes, in the hip.
Martin
Except that the damage wasn't confined to the hip. There were fragments that traveled... south.
Gertrude
Ohhh. You mean...?
Martin
Yep.
Gertrude
Yes, but you can still...
Martin
Nope.
Gertrude
But they have pills now...
Martin
Nope.
Gertrude
Acupuncture?
Martin
Ooh! Don't remind me!
Martin
No, the sad fact is, it just doesn't work.
Martin
I have absolutely no sexual feeling in my groin area, period.
Gertrude
Oh, Marty, that's terrible. Oh, I am sorry I brought it up.
Martin
Oh, that's all right, no harm done.
Frasier
Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
Wolfgang
Yes, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
I, I couldn't help noticing, the crab cakes are getting just a bit... brown.
Wolfgang
They're getting beautifully crunchy.
Frasier
I see. Because when I said "brown" I actually meant more like "black"... like "burned."
Wolfgang
They're Cajun.
Niles
Is everything all right in here?
Wolfgang
With the food, no problem. [motions at Frasier]
Frasier
Everything's under control, Niles, we're all set. You just relax, okay?
Niles
I can't believe it, I've worked so hard to make everything perfect for Daphne and now the moment is... almost... [sniffing] do I smell burning crab?
Wolfgang
It's Cajun!
Niles
It's her!
Frasier
Go! God speed!
Niles
Everyone, everyone, places, places!
Niles
Coming, my sweet!
Niles
Are you all right?
Daphne
Don't touch me, I have the flu.
Niles
Oh, you poor dear. Here, here, here, come here. Sit right down here until we're ready to eat.
Daphne
I can't eat. I need me mouth to breathe. I hope you didn't go to too much trouble with dinner.
Niles
Oh, no, no. I uh... Hey, you know what? A good cup of tea and you'll be rallying in no time. [rising] You'll never guess what I have planned for tonight.
Daphne
All I want to do is stuff Kleenex up me nose, collapse on the couch and pray for death.
Niles
Keep guessing.
Daphne
I'm sorry, Niles.
Niles
Oh, that's all right. You lie here. I'll go heat up some soup in the kitchen.
Niles
Dinner's off.
Wolfgang
[turning] What did you say?
Frasier
Look, Niles, even if the crab cakes are a total write-off, we can still salvage a meal...
Niles
No, no. Daphne's sick. Oh, oh, Wolfgang. Could you open up a can of plain chicken broth and heat it up for me?
Frasier
You're just canceling everything? The choir, the string quartet, the dry ice?
Niles
Yes, all of it. I want this proposal to be the greatest night of Daphne's life. What's the point of doing it if she's too sick to enjoy it?
Frasier
Yes, but we spent weeks pulling all of this together.
Niles
Well, we'll just get everybody back sometime when she's feeling better.
Wolfgang
[muttering] Not everybody.
Niles
All right, all right, listen. I'll take Daphne into the guest room to lie down so you can get everyone out of here. Just be quiet, I don't want to spoil the surprise for next time.
Frasier
Rest assured, she won't suspect a thing.
Daphne
[from the other room] Niles? I think there's a bird loose in here.
Frasier
[guiltily] I thought doves might be a nice addition.
Daphne
It looked like a dove.
Niles
Oh, I think your fever is causing you to hallucinate.
Niles
[loudly] Come along, let's take you to the guest room for a good lie down.
Daphne
[rising] Why are you yelling?
Niles
Because your ears are all stuffed up.
Daphne
No, they're not.
Niles
They're not? Oh, maybe mine are. Gee, I hope I'm not getting what you have.
Frasier
Shh, shh, everyone! Very quietly, I have an announcement to make. I'm terribly sorry, but tonight's festivities have been indefinitely postponed, due to illness.
Angel
But we still get paid, right?
Frasier
Yes, you still get paid. Now, I need all of you to file, quickly and quietly, out the front door. It is imperative that the young lady not know any of you were ever here.
Daphne
[from off stage] I'm telling you, that room has a draft.
Frasier
Hit the dirt!
Daphne
[o.s] Why can't we sit in the living room and build a nice fire?
Niles
[as they come in] No, no, no, we can't go in the living room, it... has... that... [looking around] of course we can go in the living room and have a nice fire! Come here and sit down. Do you want to borrow my pajamas?
Daphne
No, I feel silly in those, they're so big and baggy.
Niles
I'm the only one here who's gonna see you.
Niles
Oh, how about some tea?
Daphne
Not now.
Niles
Oh, I have some of those raspberry candies you like.
Daphne
[pats the arm of the couch] No, you stay right here next to me, Niles Crane.
Niles
Get you a blanket, you'll catch a chill, darling. Get you all comfy.
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.
Niles
Oh, you did nothing of the sort.
Daphne
I don't know what I did to deserve you.
Niles
You kidding? I got the better end of this deal.
Daphne
Oh, yeah, look at me: nose running, hair a mess, I must look a real fright.
Niles
You are simply the most adorable creature I have ever seen on this Earth.
Daphne
Oh, I'm sure.
Niles
No, I mean it. From your beautiful toes all the way up to your crusty nose, there's not an inch of you that I don't adore.
Niles
You know, it's funny. You could take a million years to plan the perfect evening, and you'd never come up with this. Daphne, I have to ask you a question.
Daphne
Hold on.
Daphne
You were saying?
Niles
Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... [holds up the ring] Will you marry me?
Daphne
...Oh, Niles! Of course I will.