Wheels of Fortune

Frasier

Our topic today has been honesty--the courage to face each other with the plain truth. I've certainly enjoyed myself these last few hours, I hope you have too. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health.

Frasier

Well, that was a dog of a show.

Roz

They all blend. [picks up a message slip on Frasier's console] Oh, you got a message. A Blaine Sternin called--

Frasier

Blaine Sternin! [gives her back the slip] Call him back, tell him I'd dead!

Roz

[rereads the slip] Sternin? Is he related to Lilith?

Frasier

Yes, he's Lilith's half-brother, the curse of the family! What does it say when Lilith is the good one?

Roz

He sounded charming on the phone.

Frasier

Well, of course he sounded charming. Charm is the viscous grease with which he oils his flim-flam machine! The man will say anything to get what he wants!

Roz

I can't believe I haven't dated this guy.

Frasier

The only reason he'd be contacting me is to separate me from my money. The man is always coming with some sucker's sob story, while he's busy living the high life in Laughlin, Nevada! You know, he once stole from me a very precious antique: my 18th Century English salt server.

Roz

Well, if you don't mind Elvis, you can have mine. [gives him back the slip]

Frasier

[looks at it] Oh, dear God.

Roz

What?

Frasier

This number he left... it's local. The beast walks among us.

Frasier

Don't answer the front door or the phone. Lock all the windows. Blaine Sternin is in Seattle!

Daphne

Who?

Martin

[turns off the TV] Lilith's half-brother.

Niles

Is he the scoundrel that walked off with your 18th Century salt cellar?

Frasier

The very same!

Daphne

Blaine Sternin. A package came for you this afternoon, I believe that was the name on the return address. [picks it up from the bookshelf]

Frasier

What could he possibly be sending me? Daphne, you've got longer nails than I have.

Daphne

Open it yourself. [tosses it to him]

Frasier

Very well, all right.

Frasier

Well, what do you know? It's my salt server.

Niles

I've heard you speak about it, but I had no idea it was so magnificent.

Frasier

Would you look at this beautiful gilding, and the exquisite but playful scrollwork.

Niles

And... it has a tiny spoon! [lifts it out]

Daphne

Aren't you going to read the note?

Frasier

Oh yes, of course. [Niles takes the server] Thank you, Niles. [reading] "Frasier, I apologize for any trouble I've caused, and hope you'll forgive me." He must think I've got turnips growing out of my ears! He's after something!

Martin

Yeah, hide the pepper.

Daphne

Hello, Crane residence. Thank you. [hangs up] That was the doorman. Mr. Sternin's on his way up.

Frasier

So much for living in a security building!

Daphne

Come on now, Dr. Crane, maybe he wants to make amends.

Frasier

Daphne, let me acquaint you with the curriculum vitae of Mr. Blaine Sternin--or "Brad Cunningham," as he's known in Maine, "Royce Thibideaux" in Loo-siana, and "Santana De La Cruz," the pride of Albuquerque, New Mexico! This is a man who once made a living selling rare autographs, until it was discovered that Madame Curie and Sugar Ray Robinson had the same handwriting. And would you care to see the deed to my 50,000-acre kelp farm?

Daphne

It's hard to believe a man of your intellect could be so fooled.

Frasier

It wasn't my intellect that he preyed upon, Daphne. It was my kind and generous heart. Well, not this time. This time I will make it a stone.

Frasier

He may come swaggering in here, but I assure you, he will go slinking out with his tail between his legs! [opens the door] All right, Blaine...!

Blaine

Frasier, my brother. It's been too long.

Frasier

Hello, Blaine. A wheelchair? Nice touch.

Blaine

Well, the truth is, I've been in a terrible accident. I've lost all feeling from my waist down, the doctors tell me I'll be like this for the rest of my life--oh hi, everybody! Blaine Sternin.

Martin

Come on in, Marty Crane.

Blaine

Hey, hiya, Marty, how are you?

Daphne

Daphne Moon.

Blaine

Hey.

Niles

Niles Crane.

Blaine

Niles, how are you?

Frasier

[still by the door] Bravo, Blaine! This is the best one yet! But you forget with whom you're dealing. I've seen it all.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair!

Frasier

Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!

Martin

Frasier, if you don't believe him, why don't you call Lilith?

Frasier

Good idea.

Blaine

So, Martin, I see you also park in the blue zone.

Martin

Yeah, when I can. But those spaces are always filled.

Blaine

Ah yeah, well that's probably partly my fault. Boy, I sold a lot of fake handicapped plates in my time. Boy, talk about a butt-load of poetic justice, huh?

Niles

Yes, I believe that is the basic unit of poetic justice.

Niles

So, what did Lilith say? Has Blaine really lost the use of his legs?

Frasier

She says she doesn't know, but hopes so.

Blaine

Well, all right, I guess there's only one way I can prove this to you. Daphne, may I borrow that lovely pin you're wearing?

Daphne

Oh, um... [unfastens it] let's see... here you go.

Blaine

All right, here you go, Fras, my man! Stick it anywhere you'd like.

Frasier

You'd have to get up for that.

Blaine

All right, I guess I'll just do it myself.

Blaine

There you go.

Niles

That's disturbing.

Martin

Cool!

Frasier

Come on, that is nothing but a cheap parlor trick!

Blaine

You know, I thought you'd take a little more convincing than that. Daphne, would you have a butcher knife in the kitchen?

Martin

[gets up] Oh, I'll get it!

Frasier

No, no, that's enough, Dad! All right, Blaine, let's cut to the chase. What's it going to cost me to get you out of here?

Blaine

You want to know something, Frasier, you're almost right. You're almost right. It's true. I do want something from you. But what I want... is for you to get down on your knees and pray with me. I know these words sound strange, but I've had a deeply religious conversion.

Daphne

Really?

Frasier

Oh, this just gets better and better.

Blaine

I guess it started with my car accident. I was driving drunk, which I had done one too many times. You know, it was a sign.

Daphne

From God?

Blaine

No, from the highway department. It said, "Lane Ends," and I just plowed right into it. The next thing I saw was a bright light and a tunnel.

Daphne

So you had a near-death experience?

Blaine

No, it was a CAT scan. You know, when Dr. Kagan told me I was paralyzed, well, I was devastated. There I was, at the lowest point a man can be... and He came to me.

Daphne

Dr. Kagan?

Blaine

No, wrong again, hon. It was God.

Daphne

Oh, damn!

Niles

Hang in there, sweetheart, you'll get one.

Blaine

He showed me how I've squandered my life--you know, cheating innocent people. I-I was just filled with shame. And that's why I'm here, as a matter of fact. I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.

Frasier

What genius! The Lord--a credible partner who doesn't take a cut!

Daphne

Dr. Crane, you should be ashamed of yourself! The fact that Mr. Sternin has turned his accident into something positive, well, it's one of the most inspirational stories I've ever heard.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, please! You have no idea what this man is capable of-

Daphne

Sir, can I get you something to eat or drink?

Blaine

You know, I could use a beer. I haven't given up everything.

Martin

That is inspiring! Yeah, make it two, Daph.

Daphne

O.K.

Blaine

But I insist that I help. It's like a thing with me, all of a sudden. I just won't allow anyone to wait on me.

Frasier

Well, you've just witnessed the first step in the Blaine Sternin long con. He sets you up, sucks you in, and then bam! Kelp futures.

Niles

Perhaps you're rushing to judgement, Frasier. I know you two have a history, but isn't it possible that he's changed?

Frasier

Oh, don't be a sucker, Niles! Dad, you're not buying any of this medicine show, are you?

Martin

Well, the guy is laying it on pretty thick, but I guess he could be on the level. I mean, that pin thing was freaky. I want to get that on video.

Frasier

Daphne, you left him alone in the kitchen? My sub-zero's probably on the way to a chop shop right now!

Frasier

All right, Blaine, I've had enough. Get out.

Blaine

Frasier, look, I don't know how to prove this to you, but I swear all I really came for was your forgiveness--first of all, for stealing that little teapot.

Frasier

Salt server.

Blaine

Is that what that was? Man, nobody knew. And for all the times I lied and I cheated you, and for the time I posed as you and treated patients for a year-

Frasier

You what?!

Blaine

It was only a couple people, I'd tell you who they were, but you know we've got that doctor-patient confidentiality thing. [Frasier puts a hand to his forehead] The point is, that part of my life is over, Frasier. I just--I don't know, I just want to give something back.

Frasier

Really? If you wanted to give something back, you'd be mopping a soup kitchen, or reading to bedridden vets, or traveling to the Galapagos Islands to clean oil off some poor sea fowl, then maybe you'd have some credibility!

Blaine

I know I've given you so many reasons to mistrust me. But don't you believe that people can change?

Frasier

If I forgive you, will you leave and never return?

Blaine

Yes. I promise you, you'll never see my face in this house again, unless I'm invited.

Frasier

Very well. I grant you this boon, and I forgive you, now get out.

Daphne

[enters] Oh, Mr. Sternin, I hope you'll stay for dinner.

Blaine

Sounds like an invitation to me, Fras.

Blaine

This kid, no more than fifteen years old, he lives in a cardboard box under the overpass, and his mother comes to me and begs me, "Will you get my kid off drugs...?"

Frasier

Yes, yes, and then you cured him, let's eat.

Blaine

No, no, no, you don't cure something like addiction overnight. Well, look who I'm telling, you're a psychiatrist. You know.

Frasier

Well, that's true. I have found in my research with addictive personalities that... oh, for God's sake, what the hell am I doing? There probably is no kid anyway!

Martin

Oh, Frasier, let up on the guy, he's a man of God. Blaine, can I take a picture of you with a fork in your leg?

Daphne

All right, everybody, dig in.

Niles

That looks beautiful, Daphne...

Blaine

Well, who wants to say grace?

Niles

Oh... [covering] We almost forgot.

Daphne

[covering] Whose turn is it this time? [everyone mumbles]

Blaine

O.K., I will! You want to join hands?

Frasier

Ready.

Blaine

Dear Lord, bless this food, and this company. Give us your guidance, and teach us to be forgiving, as you instructed your Apostles--

Frasier

I'll give you fifty bucks if you can name three of them!

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

[puts money on table] Here you go, two twenties and a ten. Tell you what, I'll spot you John.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, we're in the middle of a prayer! [to Blaine] Please, go on.

Blaine

Thank you, Lord. Amen.

All but F

Amen.

Frasier

[sullen] Amen.

Blaine

You know, normally I get paid after I say grace.

Blaine

Nah, I'm kidding!

Niles

That was funny.

Blaine

Yeah, you know, you're a godless bunch, but I love you.

Frasier

You know, even worse than the godless are those who would use God for their own gain. They are the true hypocrites, who should burn in the fiery hell for all eternity!

Blaine

Am I picking up a vibe here?

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think that was directed at you?

Blaine

You know, I could quote you chapter and verse all night to try to prove to you that I'm a changed man. But you know what? Instead, why don't you come see me in action on Sunday?

Niles

What do you mean?

Blaine

Come and hear me preach. Witness what God can do through me in all His splendour and all His glory in the Regency room down at the airport Ramada.

Daphne

I'd love to go.

Martin

I wouldn't mind checking that out.

Niles

Sure, why not?

Blaine

Bless you people, that's just great, thank you very much. The only problem is, the advertising was just a skosh more than I thought, and I came up a thousand dollars short on the hall rental-

Frasier

A-ha! The other shoe comes cascading from the sky! One thousand dollars, you say? Well, you're not getting it out of me, you born-again Bilko! [to the others] Didn't I tell you?

Blaine

Frasier, you know, what I was going to say if you'd let me finish was, somehow, the Lord will provide. And by the way, [rapidly] Matthew, John and Thomas, Bartholomew, Jude, Judas, two Jameses, Andrew, Peter, Simon the Zealot, and Phillip. [picks up the money] $950 to go, pass the po-tah-toes, please.

Frasier

He says, "the Lord will provide" the money. But we all know who that means--me!

Roz

You know, I always had a thing for evangelists. When I first started out, I worked at this station back in Wisconsin. There was this young preacher who had a show of his own on Sunday mornings. He spent hours trying to save my soul. [chuckles at the memory]

Frasier

And?

Roz

And it worked, and now I'm a nun. What do you think happened?

Daphne

Hello.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, Niles.

Daphne

Well, Dr. Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore. He's received the thousand dollars he needs for Sunday.

Frasier

What nitwit gave him a thousand dollars?

Niles

Now, Frasier, that's not fair. Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature that I, for one, find refreshing.

Frasier

[after glaring at Niles] Oh, Daphne...

Daphne

I come from a large family of scoundrels and n'er-do-wells, who repeatedly promised me they'd change their ways, and never made any effort. Now here's someone who's actually trying, and succeeding. Now I think that's worthy of a little encouragement. Coffee, Niles?

Niles

Yes, please.

Frasier

I can't believe Daphne got snowed by that crook. Now I've got to expose Blaine for the charlatan that he is. [takes out cell phone] What was the name of that doctor he said treated him in Laughlin?

Niles

Uh, it was... Kagan, if memory serves, Dr. Kagan.

Frasier

Shouldn't be too hard to find. [speaking very slowly into phone] Laughlin, Nevada. Dr. Kagan. [to Niles] I'm being connected.

Niles

Frasier, you're sure you're not being a tad obsessive?

Frasier

Niles, this is about the truth. [into phone] Yes, hello? Uh, yes, Dr. Kagan, please. Busy? Too busy to talk with Dr. Frasier Crane, from [fake European accent] ze Nobel Prize Committee?

Blaine

Now, you may ask yourself, "Why would THIS man spend the last hour preaching the word of God, look what God did to him!" Well, I'll tell you what God did to me. He took away my legs, to show me how tall I can stand!

Blaine

Because until this happened, I was not a whole man. I was a gambler, I was a liar, I was a cheat! Everything you can imagine--that was me, I did it! Ooh, I was a BAD man. Go ahead, name something!

Woman

A thief!

Blaine

Oh, a thief! Not a day passed that I wasn't. Anybody else, come on!

Man

A womanizer!

Blaine

[snorts] Yeah, in between affairs.

2nd Woman

A tax evader!

Blaine

Yeah, but that was on principle.

Frasier

Come on, little sheep. Come on into this nice little pen.

Daphne

Shh!

Martin

I thought you weren't coming.

Frasier

I just can't stand to see people get fleeced. I have left half a dozen messages for this so-called doctor of his. I'll tell you what, the guy comes back with a different excuse every time why he can't come to the phone. Niles, I tell you, there is no such man as this Dr. Kagan. He doesn't exist!

Blaine

And yet, for the first time in my life I'm a happy man. Oh, I can't dance the way I used to, but you know, my heart's turning cartwheels. I can't run, but there's no need to hide anymore. I can't make love, but I can feel love. Now, do you want that kind of happiness? Because if you do, let me hear you say, "Yeah!"

Crowd

Yeah!

Blaine

Come on, like you really mean it! Yeah!

Crowd

Yeah!

Blaine

Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Are you willing to make these earthly sacrifices to make heavenly gains?

Frasier

BAAAAAAA! Have you people lost your senses? Do you hear yourselves? This is no man of God! He's a huckster!

Martin

Frasier, sit down! This is why I hate going anywhere with you.

Frasier

This charade has got to stop right now! I will not allow these good people to be bamboozled!

Blaine

No, no, people, it's all right. He belongs up here. He's one of God's creatures.

Frasier

I am no such thing! I will prove once and for all that this man is a fraud! See for yourselves!

Frasier

No, no, no, don't help him! That's enough of this, Blaine! Get up! GET UP!

Blaine

Wait, people. He knows not what he does.

Frasier

What?! ...Yes, Dr. Kagan. Yes, I did. Uh-huh... uh-huh... For life. I see, thank you. [hangs up] Well, it seems an apology is in order. Please, help me get this man back into his chair. [the people do] And I will match all contributions to this man's ministry here today, dollar for dollar! You want fulfillment, you want inner peace, this is your man right here: Blaine Sternin! Come on, dig deep! Brother Niles, you've been richly blessed!

Blaine

Thanks again for paying in cash there, Fras. I'd rather see that money go to poor people than, you know, Uncle Sam.

Frasier

It's my pleasure to do it. Blaine, there's something I'd like you to have.

Blaine

Well... well, thanks. You know, this is, uh, this is really gonna help some needy people now that I know what the heck it is.

Blaine

Martin, it's been a pleasure, my man.

Martin

[shakes his hand] Oh, same here, Blaine. Good luck to you.

Blaine

Well, thanks a lot.

Frasier

[extends his hand] Blaine, you are welcome in my home any time.

Blaine

[moved, shakes his hand] Well, thank you, Frasier. That means a lot to me. God bless you. Well, I'm off to spread the good word.

Frasier

Right. [opens the door] You are indeed a "holy roller."

Blaine

[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Frasier

Well, there was a lesson learned.

Martin

Yeah, don't throw a guy out of a wheelchair. Who knew?

Frasier

Well, I guess I just needed a reminder that people really are capable of change. [sits on the couch]

Martin

[sits in his Chair] Well, I got to be honest with you. I wasn't totally convinced myself until I saw him on stage. Before you came in, he was talking about all these things he did right after his conversion. Man, that guy was committed. He mopped up soup kitchens. He read to bedridden veterans. He even went to the Galapagos Islands to help clean the old off some fowls!

Frasier

He said that, did he?

Frasier

BLAAA-INE!!!