Three Blind Dates
Aired March 5, 2002 · Written by Gayle Abrams · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Skyline
Red, yellow, and blue balloons rise over the buildings.
Roz
Hey, Daphne!
Daphne
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Come on in.
Roz
Is Frasier here? I need him to approve the latest version of his bio.
Niles
[taking it from Roz] Why does he keep updating his bio? What's changed in the last few years. [reading] Oh, his date of birth! He's now four years younger than I am.
Daphne
Well, that's silly. Does everyone fake their age in radio?
Roz
[with anxiety] No! [Daphne chuckles.]
Daphne
Oh, Roz, sit down. I'm glad you're here. There's something we want to ask you. [Roz sits between Daphne and Niles.] When Niles and I get married, it would make us very happy if you would serve as maid of honor.
Roz
[flattered] Really? I'm so touched. I don't know what to say. Well, of course, of course I'll do it. [She embraces Daphne.]
Niles
Now, uh, set aside September 1st.
Roz
Oh, is that Labor Day weekend?
Niles
Yeah, is that a problem.
Roz
Well, there's this picnic that I always go to, and I make the potato salad. [Daphne and Niles look bemused and slightly hurt during this speech.] What am I saying? Your wedding is more important than potato salad or any salad! [She and Daphne embrace again.]
Daphne
Then it's settled!
Roz
I'll make the potato salad the night before, and then I'll get someone...[off Niles's look] I'll figure it out.
Frasier
Hello, all!
Roz
Hi!
Niles
Well, look who's here, it's my little brother Frasier!
Roz
I brought your bio.
Frasier
[hanging his coat] Oh, yes, well I'll have to deal with that tomorrow, Roz, I've got to be across town in half an hour. I'm previewing a new Benjamin Locklear exhibit and then I'm having dinner with the artist afterward. Promises to be a very exciting evening!
Daphne
And what lucky lady are you sharing it with?
Frasier
Well, I'm going alone.
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry.
Frasier
Well, don't be. Truth is, I'm a pretty terrific date. I know when to arrive, I know when to call it a night, and frankly, I always leave myself wanting more. [He exits, smiling.]
Daphne
Oh, it's too bad Dr. Crane doesn't have anyone to share these things with.
Roz
I know. When was the last time he seriously dated anyone?
Daphne
Well, that would be Claire, but that was months ago.
Roz
We should set him up with someone.
Niles
Well, it seems to me he's choosing not to date.
Daphne
[ignoring him] I have this friend at yoga he might like.
Roz
No, she sounds flaky. I have the perfect person for him!
Niles
You know, he's always been completely capable of meeting people on his own.
Daphne
[again ignoring him] No, we should go with my person first. You don't have the best track record.
Roz
Me? Whenever you've set me up with guys, I knew they were losers the second I saw them. They turned out to be bad in bed, too.
Daphne
Well, there's no reason why we both can't try to set him up with someone.
Roz
Okay, but we have to find someone who's gorgeous, sexy, and smart.
Martin
Smart's good, but I'm not a fanatic about it. [He moves to sit in his chair.]
Daphne
It's not for you, it's for Dr. Crane.
Niles
Yes, even though he's expressed no dissatisfaction with his love life whatsoever, these two have decided to make it their mission to find him a mate.
Martin
It's not a bad idea. It's been a long time since Frasier was excited about someone. I kind of miss that spring in his step, you know. The nervous energy he gets where every first date might be "the one." The electricity of that 30-point self-inspection before he rolls out of the showroom.
Niles
But he says he's happy!
Daphne
Isn't that what you would have said too before your brother helped bring us together?
Niles
That's my point exactly, let's start calling babes!
Daphne
What about Caroline? She'd get along great with your brother!
Niles
Is she the one missing a tooth?
Daphne
She had it replaced. That dental school did a good job too. You can only tell it's fake under a black light. [Niles glares. She turns to another page.] What about Jennifer? She's pretty, smart, she has those perky breasts...
Niles
I wouldn't call them perky so much as, uh...[stopping himself] I don't remember Jennifer. [faking an attempt to recollect and then giving it up] Well, besides, didn't Frasier already go out with her?
Daphne
Oh, you're right. Well, that's everyone I know. Oh, it's too bad. I was hoping we could help.
Niles
[reflecting] There is this one woman I know--Lisa. She'd be great. They share a lot of interests. She even owns a bookstore.
Daphne
You've been holding out on me!
Niles
Well, she's a former patient, so that's kind of an ethical gray area. I'm not sure I'm comfortable setting her up with Frasier.
Daphne
What if she didn't know you were setting her up? You could point her out to me and then I could strike up a friendship! We could go out for coffee, see movies, tell each other everything. [moving to the kitchen] Maybe I was a little hasty making Roz my maid of honor.
Niles
[following her to the kitchen] As soon as she finds out you're my fiancée, well...there's my ethical dilemma again.
Daphne
Well, what if they just happened to meet by themselves?
Niles
Like at her bookstore?
Daphne
Exactly.
Niles
Frasier is always going into bookstores. She does own a bookstore. [rationalizing] Over time, it's highly probable he would find himself...in her bookstore. Perhaps I could just place them within range of one another, and I'd just stay out of sight.
Daphne
That'll do. So what does she look like, anyway?
Niles
Oh my God, she's gorgeous! She has these...[sighs and stops himself] I'd have to check my notes.
Niles
Oh, hi, here we are. [They enter the bookstore.]
Frasier
Well, it's a lovely little bookstore, Niles, but I hardly see how it's worth driving all the way across town. Doesn't seem to have much of a selection.
Niles
Well, they don't cater to all tastes, but I'm confident you'll find something to confident your interest.
Niles
Um, Frasier, Frasier. [Frasier approaches him.] Um, Daphne had asked me to provide her with a reading list, you know to broaden her mind.
Frasier
Oh, that's admirable.
Niles
Yeah, and I was thinking of starting with Shakespeare. And, uh, you have such a grasp of his work, I was wondering if you could help me make a selection.
Frasier
Well, of course, although I'm a bit surprised. You always considered yourself the more well-versed.
Niles
Well-versed, yes, but you're the expert.
Frasier
[beaming] I've waited since third grade to hear you say that!
Frasier
Hmm...
Niles
Um, you know, maybe she'd appreciate Shakespeare more if she knew something about him. Perhaps a biography.
Frasier
That's good thinking.
Frasier
Ah.
Niles
[following him] Although, philosophy is the basis of all thought. Any mind-broadening exercise should begin with philosophy.
Frasier
[seeming a bit confused by Niles's behavior] Very well.
Niles
Or sports.
Niles
No, philosophy.
Frasier
You're certain?
Niles
Unquestionably. Go. Go.
Frasier
Here we are. Plato's Republic. Can't say I agree with everything in there, but it's a place to start.
Niles
Ooh, there's a little tear in the cover. Would you get me another copy?
Frasier
Good heavens, Niles, what am I, your lackey?
Niles
No, no, no, I-I'm just engrossed in this [mispronouncing] "Heroes of Nahz-KAR."
Frasier
Fine.
Frasier
Here you go. Pristine condition.
Niles
[defeatedly] Thank you.
Frasier
You know, while we're here, I'd like to try to find a book on the early British monarchy. I've recently read The Isles: A History, and they didn't go into as much detail as I might have liked about the Plantagenets.
Niles
Hmm. [He sees Lisa approaching them.] Well, um, you know, why don't you ask someone here? I found the staff her very knowledgeable.
Frasier
Well, um, yes, all right, all right, I'll be right back.
Frasier
Ah, excuse me. Um, do you happen to have a book on the Plantagenets?
Clark
That's like a banana, right?
Frasier
Never mind. [He returns to Niles.]
Niles
Any luck?
Frasier
Finding dunderheads, yes.
Niles
Oh, well, uh, maybe you should ask someone else.
Frasier
All right, um...
Lisa
Can I help the next person?
Niles
Or maybe what we should do is just pay for our books and go.
Frasier
Niles, we just got here! You're acting very strangely.
Niles
No, I'm not.
Frasier
What the hell is wrong with you?
Niles
Dizzy spell.
Frasier
There's a footstool in the Shakespeare section. Why don't you just go have a seat for a minute?
Niles
I'll be fine, you just pay for the books!
Frasier
Right, yes, of course.
Lisa
Clark, can you take over?
Clark
Sure.
Clark
Hello again!
Frasier
Hello.
Clark
So, did you find what you were looking for?
Frasier
Not really, no.
Clark
OK. [He begins to ring up Frasier's books.]
Frasier
Oh, I have Book-Lover's Discount.
Clark
Ah, we don't accept that.
Frasier
Independent Booksellers?
Clark
No.
Frasier
Uh, Bibliophiles? Dewey Decimal Discount? Dust Jacket Gang?
Clark
I'm sorry. We do have our own card. It's $25.
Frasier
$25? For a little card?
Clark
You get 50% off all purchases.
Frasier
[putting away his cards] Very well. How much will I save today?
Clark
The discount starts with your next purchase.
Frasier
What? What kind of a Ponzi scheme are you operating here?
Clark
Store policy. [We see Niles notice Frasier's raised voice with concern. He approaches the register.]
Frasier
I would like to speak with the store owner please.
Niles
[approaching rapidly] Ooh, what's going on?
Frasier
I'm going to give the owner a piece of my mind.
Niles
Ooh, that's all right, that's all right, forget it, I don't want the book.
Frasier
Yes, you do, you're getting the book!
Niles
No, I don't.
Frasier
You're getting the book and a discount!
Clark
Lisa, we have a card challenge at checkout!
Niles
[nervously] No, no, no, challenge withdrawn.
Frasier
Over my protest!
Niles
No, no, look, we're leaving. Everything's OK.
Frasier
All right, all right. [Niles begins to hurry them out.] You know, by the way, you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!
Roz
I just know the two of you are going to hit it off.
Susanna
I thought you were always complaining he's such a tight-ass.
Roz
Not complaining, bragging, you know? That I work with someone whose got such a tight ass! [She rings the doorbell. Frasier answers.] Frasier! Susanna. Susanna, this is Frasier.
Frasier
Come on in! Roz has told me all about you.
Susanna
She's told me all about you, too.
Frasier
Oh.
Susanna
I thought since you were making dinner, I'd add a little contribution of my own. It's nothing special, just a key lime pie.
Roz
[exuberantly] "Nothing special!" She made the whole thing herself from scratch! The crust, the meringue--she even baked it in a pie plate she fired in her own home kiln!
Susanna
[downplaying Roz's compliments] In my spare time, I use my power of invisibility to fight crime.
Roz
Am I overselling this a little?
Frasier
Just a bit, yes, Roz. Um, I'll just go put this in the kitchen. Why don't you ladies make yourselves comfortable?
Frasier
Would anyone care for some wine?
Susanna
Thank you, sure!
Roz
Frasier knows pretty much everything there is to know about wine. [exuberantly, selling again] Tell us some things about wine, Frasier!
Frasier
[teasing Roz] Sometimes you have to know when to put a cork in it. [He pours the glasses.] So Roz, where's Roger?
Roz
I don't know. I'll call him and see what's holding him up. [strongly encouraging] You know, Susanna, now would be a good time to show Frasier your portfolio. [She sits on the arm of the couch and puts her arm around Susanna.] Susanna's an artist. She even has a gallery that shows her paintings exclusively!
Susanna
[feigning embarassment but clearly pleased with Roz's praise] It's not so much a gallery as a restaurant-slash-bowling alley.
Roz
[placing both hands on Susanna's shoulders and hugging her with admiration, with great exuberance] She's a hell of a bowler too! Someone better snatch her up before she joins a league and there go her Saturday nights! [She has given Susanna's shoulders several enthusiastic shakes during this speech.]
Frasier
Roz, go make your call, all right?
Frasier
[handing Susanna a glass] Here we are.
Susanna
Thank you. I don't usually travel with my portfolio, but she made me bring it.
Frasier
I'm glad she did. I actually fancy myself a bit of collector. I'd love to see it.
Susanna
Oh, all right, but be gentle!
Frasier
Of course.
Frasier
[observing] Oh, boy. Well that is interesting, it's quite remarkable, really!
Susanna
Thanks, the original's hanging over the shoe rental.
Frasier
Wonderful texture...and these blues...so much sadness.
Susanna
[flattered] Most people don't get that.
Frasier
Yes, and your elongated figures are actually reminiscent of Modigliani.
Susanna
That's interesting. I used to love Modigliani as a girl. Maybe I was subconsciously influenced by him.
Frasier
Quite possibly, yes. I see you're also a fan of Benjamin Locklear.
Susanna
[suddenly taken aback and defensive] What?
Frasier
Benjamin Locklear. He has a show...
Susanna
[abruptly and nervously interrupting] I know who he is! His stuff isn't anything like mine!
Frasier
Well, maybe you haven't seen his latest work. You see, I was just in attendance at his most recent opening. I purchased a fantastic piece myself. [He rises and goes to a side table, from which he retrieves a polaroid.] Here, let me show you. Hmm?
Susanna
[taking the picture and rising] Oh, my God!
Frasier
Yes, it's magnificent, isn't it. You know, I'm thinking of putting it in my bedroom to set off the duvet.
Susanna
That hack ripped me off!
Frasier
[shocked] That's quite an accusation.
Susanna
The guy is a thief. Everyone in the art community knows it.
Frasier
[defensively] I consider myself a member of the art community. All I've heard is good things...
Susanna
[with increasing agitation] Oh puh-leeze! The guy steals from lesser-known artists and markets himself to suckers with more money than taste!
Frasier
[calmly, taking the picture] You know what. You're right. Maybe he did copy you. [instantly venomous, with great disdain] Maybe he got his inspiration one evening when he was out bowling a few frames! [He returns the picture to the side-table drawer.]
Susanna
I do not need to be insulted by someone who buys art because it matches his bedspread!
Frasier
It's a duvet and you're delusional!
Susanna
Dilettante!
Frasier
Forger!
Susanna
Man who uses the word "duvet!!" [She marches toward the door with her portfolio.]
Roz
Hey, guys! How's it going?
Frasier
She is crazy! That's how it's going.
Susanna
And for your information, Benjamin Locklear is as overrated as your ass! [She exits in a huff.]
Frasier
What the hell was that supposed to mean?
Roz
[exiting hurriedly] I have no idea. Have a nice weekend.
Martin
What's going on out here?
Frasier
I let Roz set me up on a blind date with one of her friends.
Martin
Ah, big waste of time, huh?
Frasier
Well, there's pie.
Martin
Homemade?
Frasier
Yeah.
Martin
Cherry?
Frasier
Key Lime.
Martin
[excitedly] I can live with that!
Martin
Sorry, son, tough break. [observing the pie] Ooh, I bet it's got a lard crust! Ooh!
Frasier
I brought you a fork, Dad.
Martin
Thanks!
Frasier
I wish I'd never let Roz set me up on that date.
Martin
Well, you can't hit the ball unless you take a swing. Oh!-- Now, there's this gal in the building where I work...
Frasier
[interrupting] Dad, Dad. You're not proposing another blind date?
Martin
Now, she's a beautiful young lawyer, and she couldn't be nicer.
Frasier
I am not interested.
Martin
Now, don't say that. You've got to see her!
Frasier
Dad...
Martin
Frasier, listen to me. [suggestively] You've got to see her!
Frasier
[giving in] A young lawyer, you say?
Kris
Thanks for meeting me here.
Frasier
Sure.
Kris
I thought it would be nice to have a drink before dinner.
Frasier
You know, I don't think I've ever really been here before, but it does have a nice sort of neighborhood feel to it.
Kris
It is my favorite place.
Frasier
Ah. So my dad tells me that you're a lawyer.
Kris
Actually, I'm a legal secretary. But I'm planning to go to law school next fall.
Frasier
Oh. Well, that's admirable. [The bartender hands him a drink.] Thank you. Of course, you know, paradoxically, you'll have to pass the bar if you expect to pass the bar.
Kris
[laughing] You're so funny!
Clint
Hey, Kris.
Kris
Hey, Clint.
Clint
Nice to see you. Hey, that's a great sweater.
Kris
Oh, thank you!
Frasier
[a bit uncomfortable] So, uh, what did my dad tell you about me?
Kris
Oh, he talks about you all the time.
Frasier
Really?
Kris
Yes, he's very proud of you. But what he didn't tell me is how good-looking you are.
Frasier
[flattered] Well, thank you.
Bartender
Compliments of the gentleman in the Hawaiian shirt.
Kris
Thanks, Graham! [She waves. Graham waves back.]
Frasier
[again uncomfortable] So you, uh, you know him?
Kris
[laughing] Oh, you know...
Jason
Hey, you!
Kris
Hey!
Jason
Wouldn't mind stopping and smelling those roses! [He refers to Kris's shirt, which is decorated with white flowers.]
Kris
Oh, you are so funny!
Kris
Jason, this is Frasier. Frasier, Jason.
Frasier
[shaking his hand] Nice to meet you.
Jason
[to Kris] So you owe me a pool game!
Kris
Another time.
Jason
Oh, sounds like somebody's scared!
Kris
Yeah, you! Scared of getting your ass kicked.
Jason
Uh-huh.
Kris
But it'll have to be another time. I'm on a date.
Jason
Frasier doesn't mind. You don't mind, do you?
Frasier
[looking at his watch] Well, uh, actually...
Jason
Thanks, champ.
Kris
I'll be right back!
Jason
Mind if I break?
Kris
Sure, go ahead.
Kris
Looks like you're stripes!
Jason
[flirtatiously] And you are definitely solid.
Kris
[flirting back] Shut up!
Graham
I got next game!
Clint
I'm after Graham! [He stands next to Frasier.]
Frasier
So, uh, how do you know Kris?
Clint
Oh, you know...
Frasier
No, I really don't!
Harry
I got her next! Oh, Kris. I got my car checked out. You were right. It was the transmission.
Kris
[taking a pool shot] Then you owe me a pitcher!
Harry
Oh!
Frasier
[to Harry] So, you've known Kris a long time.
Harry
Who are you?
Frasier
I'm her date.
Harry
Nice job! She's hot tonight. So who are you?
Frasier
Excuse me.
Frasier
Hello. Oh, Dad. Yeah...Oh, yeah, she's very pretty, and, uh, and nice. A little too nice, perhaps.
Kris
Frasier, the table only takes quarters. Would you get some change?
Frasier
You know, Kris, maybe we should cancel our plans for tonight.
Kris
What?! Why?
Frasier
Well, you're having such a good time with your crowd here.
Kris
No, I--I just have to teach this one guy a lesson, and then I'm all yours, I promise.
Frasier
Well, I guess I could ask the bartender for some change.
Kris
Oh, Smitty's too busy. But try next door at the dry cleaner's. Tell them it's for me.
Frasier
Thanks for the tip. [He takes the bill.]
Kris
You are so sweet. [shouting] Isn't Frasier sweet, guys?
Martin
I thought for sure that Frasier was going to hit it off with Kris. She's really popular in the office!
Daphne
Poor Dr. Crane! I feel like we failed him.
Martin
Well, I'm not ready to throw in the towel. There's this woman at the dog park...
Daphne
[interrupting, to Niles] Well, if you're going to try again, we should try again too.
Niles
Maybe Frasier had the right attitude by leaving it up to fate.
Daphne
There's nothing wrong with lending a helping hand. Maybe we were destined to fix him up with someone.
Niles
[as the voice of wisdom and reason] No, I'm afraid whatever we wanted for Frasier, fate had other plans.
Frasier
Hi, uh, can you give me change for a dollar.
Andy
No change.
Frasier
It's for Kris.
Andy
Oh, yeah, sure!
Andy
Here you go.
Frasier
Thank you.
Andy
Hi, Lisa.
Lisa
Oh, Andy. Can you get out spray paint?
Andy
How did this happen?
Lisa
I was at the new Benjamin Locklear exhibit--and this crazy woman came in and started ranting about how he'd ripped off her work. And then she started spray-painting everything! Actually, I don't know if I should clean it or hold onto it until after she dies. [Andy does not react to the joke.] You know, because art increases in value after the artist...[Andy still does not react.] Think you can get this out?
Frasier
Excuse me, you only gave me three quarters and a nickel.
Andy
Huh, I guess I don't have any more quarters left. You want your dollar back?
Lisa
Oh, I might have some change! Let me look.
Frasier
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Lisa
Um, gum, candy. Oh, oh, oh, oh! There you go. [She hands him a quarter.]
Frasier
Thanks. Um, say, uh, don't you have a coat? It's kind of cold outside.
Lisa
[showing him the claim check] I just got spray paint on mine. I wanted to get it cleaned as soon as possible.
Frasier
Did you put seltzer on it?
Lisa
Of course.
Frasier
You know a lot of people mistakenly use...
Both
Lemon juice. [They laugh.]
Lisa
Which never works.
Frasier
No. No, and it attracts bees.
Lisa
I did not know that!
Frasier
Well, I'm not exactly certain that it attracts bees, but, I mean, um, it does make sense, doesn't it?
Lisa
Not really, but you say it with such authority, I bought it.
Frasier
[laughing and smiling] Oh...say, uh, do you play pool?
Lisa
[finding the question strange] No.
Frasier
[beguiled] Neither do I. Hi, my name is Frasier.
Lisa
[equally delighted] Hi!