War of the Words
Aired 12th March 2002 · Written by Saladin K. Patterson · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Frasier
Lilian, the next time your perfectionist tendencies drive you to distraction, just remember this quotation from Henry
James
"Excellence does not require perfection."
Lillian
[voice over] That's very helpful. Thank you.
Frasier
Or is it "demand"? Hmm... "require", "demand" "Excellence does not require perfection." "Excellence does not demand perfection."
Roz
Aren't they the same thing?
Frasier
Of course not, Roz! Shush! "Excellence"..."demand", "require", "demand", "require"...Oohh! Or is it "mandate"?
Lillian
[v.o.] I really have to go now.
Frasier
Oh, well, it doesn't really matter, anyway, does it? Meantime, Seattle, this is Doctor Frasier Crane, wishing you good day OH! It's "require", it is "require"! [he laughs victoriously] And good mental health.
Roz
Frasier, would you please give this to Freddie for me? It's for his spelling bee tomorrow.
Frasier
[taking it] Roz, it's not a spelling bee, it's the National Championship.
Roz
Oh. Ooh, when's Lilith coming in?
Frasier
[rising] Actually, she's not coming in, she'll be watching the competition ion from home. Her victory dance at the state finals earned her a long overdue suspension. So, what is this anyway?
Roz
It's a flattened penny. I found it at the railroad tracks once when I was going through a really bad time. But as soon as I picked it up, I started getting lucky.
Frasier
Oh, so that's where it all started.
Roz
No. Why are you turning a nice gesture into something dirty?
Frasier
I'm sorry, Roz. I know it didn't bring you that kind of luck.
Roz
Thank you.
Frasier
Because that would be one tired penny.
Frasier
Eddie Crane, from Seattle, your word is "woof".
Martin
W-O-O-F.
Frasier
Very good. Frederick Crane, from Massachusetts, your word is "onomatopoeia"
Frasier
Wrong. Where are your knees? I want to see spelling knees.
Freddie
Oh, yeah, right.
Frasier
The last thing I want is you passing out on stage because of locked knees.
Freddie
I know. Allison Sharpe, the "'Frisco Fainter".
Frasier
She went down like a sack of hammers. All right now, go to the hallway mirror and look at your form.
Martin
Aren't you two going a little overboard with this? The drills, the stance, the spelling diet...
Frasier
Dad, Freddie really wants to win this competition, I'm doing my best to help him.
Martin
Well, you shouldn't over train him. He needs to have some fun.
Frasier
I told him he could bring his clarinet! [off Martin's look] All right, I'll talk to him.
Freddie
Thanks, Dad, I think I got my stance down now.
Frasier
[rising] Good boy. Frederick, have a seat for a minute. There's something I want to tell you.
Frasier
Listen, I don't want you to get consumed by this spelling bee thing, all right? It's not important if you're a good speller or the best speller. The important thing is that you have fun. Okay?
Freddie
Okay, Dad. You know what would be really fun?
Frasier
What's that?
Freddie
Kicking butt in the spelling bee.
Frasier
Oh, Niles.
Niles
Hello all.
Frasier
Listen, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. I could only get two tickets for the spelling bee competition tomorrow.
Daphne
Oh, that's a shame. But we'll be there in spirit. It's probably just as well considering how emotional I get watching children compete. I keep thinking how much it means to them. Like the little girl who studies over candle light while her father's down at the local pub, drinking away the money for the light bill. Or the little girl on the school bus who pretends not to see her father waving at her from the pub. Then there's the little girl who thinks that by doing well she can grow up, purchase the local pub, and turn it into a circus so her father can keep his promise.
Niles
We had a little wine at lunch. Don't worry about the tickets. While I certainly would have gone to support Freddie, I have to admit wasn't looking forward to being back in that environment. [to Freddie] Don't get sidetracked by all the glitz and glamour of the bee. Spelling well is its own reward.
Freddie
What was that about?
Martin
Well, your Uncle Niles has a painful history with spelling bees.
Freddie
Really? Was he any good?
Martin
Oh, one of the best to ever compete.
Freddie
Better than you Dad?
Frasier
Son, as good as I was, my spelling couldn't compare with Niles'. He was right up there with the likes of William Karek from Akron, and that Peterson girl from Omaha.
Martin
Except your uncle was even younger. Some people thought he wasn't ready, that it was a mistake to bring him up to The Show right of elementary school, but he made it. All the way to the last word.
Freddie
What happened?
Frasier
He didn't even try to spell it. He just stood there for a moment, then turned and walked off the stage.
Martin
He was immediately disqualified and he never competed again.
Freddie
Never?
Martin
Sure, he'd spell now and again. But only to help you out and you had to really need it, 'cause he could spot a set-up a mile away.
Freddie
Wow. Sounds to me like he choked.
Martin
Choked... OR, was he the victim of an elaborate conspiracy?
Freddie
Really?
Martin
Oh, I thought I heard him comin' down the hall. He choked.
Contestant
"Logorrhea". Um, can I have a definition?
Martin
Uh-oh, always a bad sign.
Gaston
Excessive use of words.
Contestant
L-O-G-O-R-H-E-A, "logorrhea".
Gaston
I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Frasier
So long, home school.
Gaston
And that completes the tenth round. We'll begin round eleven of the National Spelling Championship after a five minute intermission.
Frasier
Freddie, you're doing great, son, great!
Martin
Yeah, you got it made. Especially since that Asian kid was eliminated. They're the ones you have to watch out for.
Frasier
Dad! Don't stereotype!
Martin
Not even a positive one? Oh geez, what's happenin' in this country?
Amanda
Hi, Freddie.
Freddie
Hi, Amanda.
Frasier
Don't let her distract you with her wiles, Son. There'll be plenty of women once you win this thing, all right? Okay, now, you were a little wobbly on that last word. Just remember, when the root word is Greek, the "uh" sound is made with the letter "Y".
Frasier
So far, all the sneaky ones have had Greek roots.
Martin
Oh, so it's okay for you to stereotype!
Frasier
Oh...
Freddie
Dad, we've run over this a million times. I got it. [to Martin] Where'd you get the soda?
Martin
Oh, c'mon, I'll show you.
John
Hey, hi there. John Clayton.
Frasier
Oh, hi.
John
My son, he's one of the finalists.
Frasier
Oh, nice to meet you. Frasier Crane, I'm Frederick's dad. You've got a great little speller there.
John
Ah, yeah. You too. First year, I take it?
Frasier
Uh-huh.
John
Look, let me give you a little advice: watch out for some of the parents. They can be kinda cutthroat.
Frasier
Well, thanks for the tip.
John
Yeah, no problem. So, you and Freddie, you work on all the usuals, roots, suffixes, prefixes?
Frasier
Yes, yes all of that.
John
Good, good. How about attitude? Breathing, endurance...
Frasier
Sure, sure. Endurance?
John
Excuse me.
John
Betsy! The Crane kid's got no legs!
Gaston
All right, we're ready to resume.
Gaston
Amanda Abrams. Amanda, your word is "milieu".
Amanda
"Milieu", M-I-L-L-I-E-U, "milieu".
Frasier
Won't be long now.
Freddie
"Syllepsis", S-Y-L-L-E-P-S-I-S, "syllepsis".
Gaston
Warren Clayton, "resipiscence".
Warren
R-E-C-I-P-I-S-C-E-N-C-E, "resipiscence".
Gaston
I'm sorry, but that's incorrect.
Gaston
If Frederick Crane gets the next word, he will be the National Champion. Frederick, your word is "hermeneutic".
Freddie
Um, may I have a definition?
Gaston
Interpretive or explanatory.
Freddie
"Hermeneutic", H-E-R-M-E-N-E-U-T-I-C, "hermeneutic".
Gaston
We have a new National Champion! Frederick Crane!
Gaston
Congratulations son.
Daphne
When you were spelling that last word, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
Roz
Weren't you scared?
Freddie
A little, but then I just kinda relaxed.
Frasier
THAT is your spelling stance working for you. Bend at the knees - spell with ease.
Daphne
Well, this calls for a toast. Is it all right if he has a little C-H-A-M-P-A-G...
Frasier
Daphne, he's the best speller in the country.
Daphne
So I should get the good stuff?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
You should be very proud of your accomplishment, Freddie. Just keep it in perspective. And don't forget the twenty six little friends who got you here.
Martin
Gather 'round, everybody, almost time for ESPN to air Freddie's interview.
Frasier
Oh, that's right!
Frasier
You know, I have no idea where ESPN is.
Frasier
Thanks Dad.
Roz
See, I told you that penny would bring him good luck.
Frasier
[sitting] Oh, well, actually, Roz, I never even gave it to him. See, with all of Freddie's hard work and dedication, inspired coaching...he had no need for your superstitious talisman.
Roz
It's just a gesture. I mean, I found it at the railroad track, not some enchanted wood.
Frasier
Oh, well, what a surprise, please come in. Everyone, this is Doctor Bernard Gaston from the spelling bee.
Martin
Oh, hi, Doc.
Frasier
Lovely of you to join us in our little celebration. Can I get you some refreshment?
Gaston
Unfortunately, this is not a pleasure visit. I must inform you that there has been an accusation of cheating.
Martin
Not the Asian kid!
Martin
What? I said NOT the Asian kid. Would somebody tell me the rules?
Frasier
Whoever the culprit is, we have no wish to soil this noble event by filing a formal protest. We're certainly happy with the way things turned out.
Gaston
I'm afraid it's Frederick who's been accused of cheating.
Freddie
What!?
Frasier
I don't know what kind of a sick joke you're playing, but my son is no cheater!
Martin
I was there, I didn't see anything.
Gaston
Well we have evidence to the contrary. Mr. and Mrs. Clayton noticed an anomaly on the tape while they were making Warren watch it.
Frasier
What sort of an anomaly?
Gaston
You were clearly mouthing the letters as Frederick spelled the last word, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
I did no such thing!
Gaston
We have it on the tape.
Frasier
Well, if I did, it certainly wasn't a conscious act. It was like singing along at a concert. You know, I remember being admonished by the ushers for joining in a particularly intense performance of Das Lieb und der Uder!
Freddie
I wasn't even looking at him!
Gaston
Let's not make this any more painful than it already is. The committee has reviewed the tape and decided to award the trophy to Warren Clayton.
Freddie
What?! You can't do that!
Martin
This stinks!
Gaston
I'm sure you'd like to avoid embarrassment as much we would so we'll just say this was all due to a technicality. That way, Frederick can keep his regional title and even attend the banquet tomorrow night for all the finalists.
Freddie
This isn't fair.
Gaston
I'm sorry, son. I hope I'll see you at the dinner.
Freddie
Thanks a lot, Dad.
Roz
You should have given him the penny.
Frasier
Great news! I have just spoken to a lawyer who believes we have a case against the spelling bee officials. Isn't that great?
Frasier
Frederick, look, I know how upset you are. I'm so sorry. Frederick, aren't you going to say something?
Freddie
I talked to Mom today.
Frasier
You're a bigger man than I am.
Freddie
That's what she said.
Frasier
I've really done it this time, haven't I? I feel terrible. He just hates me.
Martin
No, he's disappointed, that's all.
Frasier
Still, he knows that if I made a mistake it was only because I wanted him to win so badly.
Martin
Oh, he'll get over it. Remember when you were thirteen, you had that science project? I came in your room and sat on it? You forgave me.
Frasier
True. Spent six months working on that project.
Martin
Well, my point is, accidents happen. He'll come to see that.
Frasier
I suppose you're right. Three perfectly good chairs in my room, you had to sit on my hybrid orchid.
Martin
Well, let's hope Freddie's as forgiving as you are.
Niles
So, you going to go to that banquet tonight, Freddie?
Freddie
I don't think so. It'll just be a bunch of people saying bad stuff about me.
Niles
None of which is true.
Freddie
But they think it is.
Freddie
Uncle Niles, is it true that you walked out on the last word of the National Bee?
Niles
Now, where did you hear that?
Freddie
Dad and Grandpa. They said you were one of the best.
Niles
Well, they exaggerate.
Freddie
They said you were just as good as somebody named Karek.
Niles
"Just as good"? Funny. Anyway, the story is true. I never talked about it before, but I will. Since you also have the gift. Have a seat.
Niles
I was a little younger than you. I'd been winning numerous competitions, but I was obsessed with one thing and one thing only: the National Championship. The time finally came and there I was, standing on that stage, waiting for the judge to say the final word, and suddenly it happened. It all clicked. All the rules, "i before e", assimilations, etymologies, they all became one. And then, became nothing. In that moment, I realized there was no word I couldn't spell. Competitions didn't matter anymore because I was one with the higher truth that is spelling. So when the judge said that last word, I just walked away.
Freddie
Didn't you care what people said?
Niles
Oh, people said a lot of things that weren't true. "He didn't know the word." "He was scared." "Mafia this..." No, it didn't bother me. Because they couldn't take away what I knew in my heart. You know how to spell, and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.
Niles
Hey, hey, don't you want your ice cream?
Freddie
No, I have a banquet to go to.
Frasier
Ah, here we are.
Freddie
Hi, Amanda.
Frasier
Never mind her, Freddie. It's her problem, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong.
Freddie
I know. Neither did you. Excuse me.
Gaston
Good evening. I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to this year's annual Spell-abration. Because of the irregularities with this year's event, this gathering has been renamed "The Unity Dinner" and is in honor of all the finalists.
Frasier
What the hell is that supposed to mean? "Irregularities"?
Niles
Frasier, Frasier, let it go.
John
Crane, no hard feelings.
Frasier
No feelings at all.
John
Now, don't be like that. You're not the first person tempted to get around the rules, you just got caught.
Frasier
I did not "get caught".
John
Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
Frasier
[rising] And you never shut up!
Niles
[getting up] Frasier, Frasier, try to follow Frederick's example and carry ourselves with dignity.
Guard
Where are your parents?
Niles
Freddie?
Frasier
What's going on?
Guard
I caught these two fighting in the men's room.
Warren
He punched me.
Frasier
Is this true?
Freddie
He deserved it!
Niles
Why'd you do it, Freddie?
Freddie
He called my dad a cheater!
Frasier
You were defending me?
Niles
Where's your blazer?
Freddie
It's in the bathroom.
Niles
Oh, dear. If it's touched the floor, we'll have to destroy it.
Frasier
Freddie, I want you to apologize to Warren right now.
John
Yes, and Warren, you apologize too. Being a name-caller's almost as bad as being a cheater.
Frasier
I am NOT a cheater! You are a thief. My son is the true champion.
Warren
Yeah, when your dad's here to help you.
Freddie
Hey, I can out spell you anytime, anyplace!
Warren
Oh yeah? How 'bout right now?!
John
Hold on Son, we don't have to prove anything.
Freddie
I can take you in five words!
Warren
Okay, you're on! For the trophy!
John
Hey, we already have the trophy. Crane, why don't you talk some sense into your boy, there?
Frasier
Freddie...
Freddie
Dad, I want to spell.
Frasier
What's the matter, John? You scared?
John
For the trophy!
Gaston
We have already selected an official winner. If you'd like to brawl, take it someplace else.
John
Let's take it outside!
Frasier
To the streets!
Frasier
Sudden death, Scrips-Howard rules!
John
Bring it on!
Niles
People, stop please! Look at yourselves. This is wrong. What are words, after all, but a way to communicate, to bring us together? But you, you're using them as weapons! Now, we still have an opportunity to walk away from here as winners, and wouldn't that be the greatest Spell-abration of all?
Frasier
He's right, Son, let's go home.
John
Yeah, we're all winners. Except for the two cheaters!
Warren
Hey, you know how to spell "loser"? C-R-A-N-E.
John
You don't have to worry about ever seeing him again, Son. Chances are he'll end up in a state school.
Niles
How DARE you! [to Freddie] Can you take him?
Freddie
Yeah!
Niles
Then spell his ass off!