Deathtrap
Aired 2nd April 2002 · Written by Jon Sherman · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Frasier
There he is, Niles. That's our Yorick.
Niles
He's perfect, Frasier! The missing link to our backyard production of "Hamlet!"
Frasier
Exactly what I was thinking. [makes a basket with his hands and leans over] Now get up there.
Niles
Why me?
Frasier
Because I'm the director, that's why.
Frasier
Come on! Just get up there.
Niles
[strikes a Shakespearean pose] Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him.
Frasier
Knock it off!
Frasier
Ow! [picks up the skull]
Niles
Are you okay?
Frasier
No!
Frasier
You cracked my skull!
Frasier
[speaking quickly] Yes, may I get a double latte please, one shot of decaf espresso, one shot of regular espresso, with some steamed low-fat milk and some non-fat foam?
Barista
[staring right back] Sure.
Niles
Well?
Frasier
He didn't even blink an eye. The man's unflappable.
Daphne
He's amazing, isn't he?
Niles
He made me a chai spice ristretto americano con panna as if people had been drinking them for centuries.
Frasier
Truly this is a golden age.
Niles
Oh, did Dad tell you? Our old house is on the market.
Frasier
No, but it doesn't surprise me. That whole area's undergoing what they call a "revitalization." Of course, they'll probably just tear it down and put up a Bennetton, or Bath & Body Works, or Sunglass Hut.
Niles
Actually, I sort of like Bath & Body Works.
Frasier
I do too.
Niles
Well, I had this crazy thought, Frasier. What if we bought the house?
Frasier
You mean as a rental property?
Niles
Perhaps, or as a guest maisonette for our out-of-town visitors?
Frasier
Daphne's mother, perhaps?
Niles
Oh, I hadn't thought of that!
Daphne
That's a good idea. Buy her a house and she'll never leave.
Frasier
You know, Niles, we could open it up to the general public.
Niles
That's not a bad idea. A warm bed...
Frasier
A freshly-baked scone...
Niles
For a moderate fee...
Frasier
It could pay for itself...
Niles
As a B & B!
Daphne
If you two break into song, I'm leaving.
Roz
Hello, everybody.
Frasier
Oh Roz, listen to this!
Roz
I'm so sorry.
Frasier
That's all right. Here, have a seat. [pulls out her chair]
Roz
I just bought Alice a new hamster, and it's kept me up all night just running around that squeaky damn wheel.
Frasier
Oh...
Daphne
Why don't you get it a quieter wheel?
Niles
Or oil the squeak.
Frasier
Or take the wheel out at night.
Barista
[bringing Frasier's coffee] Or put the cage in another room?
Roz
Thank you. Where were you all at 3:00 this morning, when I was trying to shove a Sominex into a carrot?
Daphne
I used to have the same problem when I was raising show rats.
Niles
You don't mean the nasty, plague-propagating vermin, do you?
Daphne
No. I mean purebred rats, as in Siamese or Himalayan or Husky. My most prized one was an Andalusian Blue named Lady Prissy - and she wasn't sick a day in her life, so don't go blaming all rats because of a few bad apples!
Frasier
A few bad apples? Daphne, they spread a disease that nearly wiped out half the population of Europe!
Daphne
Shows what you know. Those were common European brown rats.
Frasier
Yes, but the point is-
Daphne
Oh, no, no, no! I'll sit here and listen to you prattle on about wine and opera. But when it comes to rats, you're in my house.
Martin
Old Man Lasskopf must have owned this place fifty years. Wonder why he's selling?
Frasier
Probably because he can get fifty times what he paid for it.
Martin
Yeah, he sure knew how to squeeze a penny. You know, he never gave me back my security deposit. I might just bring that up.
Niles
Oh no, you won't. Once we turn this place into a B&B, we'll make it all back in tips.
Martin
What the hell is that supposed to mean-?
Frasier
Oh, Mr. Lasskopf! So good to see you again, it's been a long time.
Lasskopf
What has?
Niles
We used to rent this house from you.
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
Uh, I'm Niles Crane, this is my brother, Frasier, and our dad. Do you remember?
Lasskopf
[looking at Frasier] Nope. [at Niles] Nope. [at Martin] You sort of look familiar.
Martin
Yeah, I should. I paid you rent for ten years, left the place in perfect condition, and you never gave me back my security deposit.
Lasskopf
Nope, don't remember you either. Come on in.
Niles
Go ahead, Dad.
Martin
Oh boy, this brings back memories.
Frasier
Oh Niles, do you remember doing our homework up here at the dining room table?
Niles
Oh yes, and afternoon piano lessons...
Martin
Getting haircuts from your mother...
Frasier
And Mom's roll-top desk on this wall over here.
Niles
Where we wrote all the "Crane Boys Mysteries." I can still see you pacing in your writer's tweeds and half-glasses, dictating.
Frasier
And you in your shawl-collar sweater, hammering away at the keys of that old Royal typewriter.
Niles
Gosh, when did those two crazy kids become such a pair of old fuddy-duddies?
Frasier
Oh, Niles! Do you remember? Here's the window we used to sneak out of after curfew. [opens it]
Martin
Really, you did? I never knew that.
Frasier
Sure, Dad, we, uh, we used to go out and, uh, chase the girls, and, uh, get a drink or two.
Martin
Well! [to Lasskopf] Boys will be boys.
Niles
Um, Frasier?
Frasier
Hmm?
Niles
We didn't chase girls, we went out to foreign films.
Frasier
You think Dad wants to hear that? Throw the guy a bone.
Martin
So, what made you finally decide to sell?
Lasskopf
Moving to the Cayman Islands.
Martin
Whoa, that'll be a change from Seattle.
Lasskopf
Gee, you think?
Martin
I hear they have great scuba diving down there. You scuba?
Lasskopf
Do I look like I scuba? I'm lucky I don't need a tank to breathe on land.
Martin
Just looking for a change of scenery, huh?
Lasskopf
Looking to be left alone. I'm not what you call a real social type.
Martin
[turns away, muttering] You sure made friends with my security deposit.
Frasier
You know, Niles, you're right. It's not big enough for a bed-and-breakfast.
Niles
No, but it did give us a nice walk down memory lane.
Frasier
Yes... Niles?
Niles
Hmm?
Frasier
Didn't we stash a memory box underneath one of these floorboards right around here?
Niles
Well, I thought you took that with you when we moved.
Frasier
I thought you took it! Do you suppose it's still here?
Niles
Well, it must be!
Frasier
Mr. Lasskopf, uh, would you mind if my brother and I had a look underneath one of the floorboards here? You see, we left a sort of time capsule underneath there.
Lasskopf
No, you don't. Nobody's pulling up any floor here.
Niles
Oh, no, no, we don't need to. The board was always loose.
Lasskopf
There's no loose boards. They've all been nailed down, I made sure of that.
Frasier
Well, couldn't we just check?
Lasskopf
Look, I came here to sell this place, not have it torn apart. Now are you serious buyers, or are we wasting our time here?
Niles
Well, allowing us to reclaim a small part of our past is hardly a waste of time.
Lasskopf
Well, it sounds like a load of tomfoolery to me. Let's go.
Frasier
Mr. Lasskopf, I assure you, my brother and I give tomfoolery no quarter! We never have!
Lasskopf
Oh, no? What do you call sneaking out to drink and chase girls?
Niles
No, no, no, that wasn't true! We went out to see foreign films.
Martin
I knew it.
Niles
There we go. Well done, Frasier. You've still got it.
Frasier
Thank you, Niles. Like riding a bicycle.
Niles
Here we go...
Frasier
All right, let's just find our memory box and get the hell out of here. I think it's around... here somewhere.
Niles
I've got it, I've got it, I've got it. This one.
Frasier
See if I can get this in here... [does]
Niles
Yes, that's it. There it is, there it is, good.
Niles
A-ha, well done, Frasier. Yeah, I think that's as far as it'll go.
Frasier
All right, reach your hand in there and see what you can find.
Niles
I'm not going to put my hand down there, there could be rats.
Frasier
Maybe they're just down-on-their-luck show rats!
Niles
I know, what was that?
Frasier
Don't ask me, you're marrying her. All right, I'll do it.
Niles
Careful, careful. All right, all right [looking over his shoulder] I can't see anything. Oh, it's not there, is it?
Frasier
Well, I don't know, hang on a minute. Hang on - wait, wait, wait!
Niles
Yeah?
Frasier
I've got, I've got - there's something... here it is.
Frasier
Oh my God, Niles! Look...
Niles
[recoils] Don't give it to me! Is that real?
Frasier
It certainly feels real.
Niles
Well, what's it doing under the floor?
Frasier
How the hell should I know? I wonder who it could be?
Niles
Well, perhaps it's a builder who got trapped during construction, or a, an exterminator who was overcome with fumes.
Frasier
Excellent hypotheses, Niles. But unfortunately, neither is plausible.
Niles
Why not?
Frasier
Because, Niles, when you die, your head doesn't pop off like a champagne cork! It remains attached to the spine. And look here, Niles. The temporal bone has been fractured... as if struck by a blunt object.
Niles
So perhaps the poor fellow met his end in some-some sort of violent accident.
Frasier
Violent, yes. But an accident?
Niles
Murder!
Frasier
Murder most foul.
Daphne
Hey Roz, Alice, come on in. [they do]
Roz
Hey, Martin. Is Frasier home?
Daphne
No, he and Niles went out - wine club or something.
Roz
Uh, he'll be back soon?
Daphne
Hard to say. Is everything all right? You seem a little edgy.
Roz
[lowers voice] Can I talk to you in the kitchen?
Daphne
Of course.
Roz
Martin, can Alice watch TV with you for a second?
Martin
Oh, sure she can.
Martin
What kind of TV do you like?
Alice
Cartoons.
Martin
Oh, really? Your mom lets you watch that stuff - the anvils and dynamite, and people falling over cliffs and things? [Alice nods] Great, then you should be all over this hockey game.
Daphne
So, what's up?
Roz
Do you remember Alice's hamster I told you about?
Daphne
Yeah, still keeping you awake?
Roz
Not anymore. The dog ate it. Well, half of it.
Daphne
Oh, no. Something like that happened when I was a girl. One of our cats got into one of my rat cages and took little old Pink Bottom right out of show business.
Roz
Well, I don't mind the hamster dying. I just don't know how to break it to Alice. She's never had anything die before.
Daphne
Well, how did you parents explain it to you?
Roz
[exhales] The wrong way. When I was six, my canary died. And that evening, my dad sat on the bed next to me and said, "dying is just going to sleep and never waking up." Then he turned off the light and said good night.
Daphne
Well, I'm sure Dr. Crane will have some good advice on how to handle this.
Roz
Yeah. I mean, I know we kid him and stuff, but when it comes right down to it, he's one of the smartest people I know.
Frasier
One thing is certain: someone is very dead.
Niles
Well, Poirot, you've done it again. Look, can we just put that thing down and call the police?
Frasier
No, no, no, hang on a minute, Niles! I mean, this skull's been underneath there for a long time now, what's another hour going to hurt? Niles, we have a real Crane Boys Mystery here. Why don't we see if we can dig up a few more clues?
Niles
Ooh, all right, fair enough.
Frasier
Here.
Niles
So, uh, what do we know? We have a victim - or part of one.
Frasier
Correct. Can we establish motive?
Niles
Not without knowing who the victim is.
Frasier
Correct. Can we establish opportunity?
Niles
Whose opportunity?
Frasier
Whose indeed? It would have to be someone who's had access to this house over the years.
Niles
Yes well, we can rule out Mom and Dad.
Frasier
And of course what would you and I be doing with a human skull?
Frasier
[realizes] Oh wait, Niles! [laughs] Oh, dear God, we're idiots.
Niles
[still as investigator] Why are we idiots?
Frasier
Niles, use your brain! Think back... to elementary school.
Niles
I'm not following.
Frasier
Oh, don't you remember? That was about the time when...
Frasier
Mrs. Lasskopf disappeared.
Niles
Oh my God, you're right. And-and you know, they used to fight all the time.
Frasier
Yes, and then suddenly she stopped coming around.
Niles
Well, I always thought that was because they split up.
Frasier
Did they? Or did he split her up? Cutting off her head and hands, so that the body couldn't be identified by dental records or fingerprints!
Niles
I don't know, Frasier, that's pretty out there... although it would explain why Lasskopf didn't want us poking around under the floor. Frasier! We have a victim and a suspect.
Frasier
All right, not so fast, Niles. Are you forgetting Item One from "Top Truths for Teen Sleuths: A Crane Boys' Mysteries Workbork"?
Niles
"A case is rarely elementary, but-"
Both
"Always evidentiary!"
Frasier
Yes, exactly! The only evidence we have is the skull. Niles... hand me those tools. Unless I miss my guess, this floor isn't done talking!
Frasier
Niles, you'll never guess what I just found in the...! Niles, where are you?!
Niles
I'm here! I found our memory box, [lifts it out] and I think... [holds up a large rock] this rock could be the murder weapon.
Frasier
Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
Niles
It's pointier.
Frasier
Drop the rock, Niles. The garage has given up something far more interesting.
Frasier
Take a look at this financial statement.
Niles
[gasps] It appears the Lasskopfs had quite a windfall.
Frasier
Yes, and it was just before the time they asked us to leave.
Niles
[stands up] I see, I see. So, he killed her, collected the insurance money, and then evicted us, so he'd have a safe place to dispose of the body!
Frasier
Bravo, Niles! But no! Insurance is messy. They always require a body and a death certificate before they'll pay off. And messier still, he would have had to kill her, conceal the body, get rid of us, and then bring the body back here.
Niles
Well, if that's not insurance, then...? [sees Frasier's expectant look] Inheritance.
Frasier
Exactly! Her parents die, and leave everything to her. Which means that now the Lasskopfs want for nothing, but she's the provider.
Niles
And never misses an opportunity to remind him of it. He's emasculated!
Frasier
Desperately!
Frasier
And so, he hatches a plan. "Darling, why don't we evict the Cranes? We don't need their rent money anymore."
Niles
[old lady voice] "No, thanks to my family's frugal nature and untimely death."
Frasier
And so, out go the Cranes, and the house is empty. "Darling, why don't we go see in what condition the Cranes have left the house, hmm?"
Niles
"You go, you lazy parasite, I'm having my nails done!" [off Frasier's look] I mean, "OK!"
Frasier
So... in they stroll - he with murderous intent, she with nary an inkling of the tragedy about to befall her.
Frasier
He pretends to inspect the house... "Darling, why what's this mark over here on the wall?" [points to the wall]
Niles
"Where?" [walks over to the wall]
Frasier
"There, look." [Niles bends over] "Closer, closer..." And as she leans in... [comes up behind Niles] he does her in!
Niles
"No, Alfred, no!" [normal voice] - oh, that makes perfect sense.
Frasier
Yes! We have a victim, we have a motive, and we have evidence for both!
Niles
If only we had a murder weapon to tie it all together.
Frasier
Niles, don't you remember? As in many a Crane Boys case, the absence of a weapon does not mean the absence of a crime! Perhaps he pushed her down the stairs, as in "The Case of the Unhappy Landing!"
Niles
I always thought the title gave it away.
Frasier
Mmm. Well, then we can rename it once we have them published.
Niles
Do you think that would ever happen?
Frasier
Are you kidding? Once this hits the papers?!
Daphne
[whispering] I'm just gonna go down and check on the laundry. If Alice wakes up, keep an eye on her, will you?
Martin
What happened to Roz?
Daphne
Alice's hamster died, so Roz just stepped out to the pet store to get her a new one.
Martin
Sure, no problem.
Alice
Where's Mommy?
Martin
Oh hi, hon. Uh, your mom'll be right back.
Alice
Can we watch hockey?
Martin
Uh, no, the game's over, sweetheart. Canadiens won, by the way, so you owe me ten bucks.
Alice
I miss my hamster.
Martin
I know you do, sweetheart. [lifts her onto his lap] and I'm sure he's up in Hamster Heaven missing you too.
Alice
What is Hamster Heaven?
Martin
Well, that's where hamsters go when they die.
Alice
Mommy said he was lost.
Martin
[realizes] Oh, oh... oh, no.
Alice
When will he come back?
Martin
Oh, boy. Well... when a hamster goes to hamster heaven, it can't come back. But that's OK.
Alice
Why?
Martin
Oh, 'cause it's great up there. They got exercise wheels on every corner, and the streets are paved with... what do hamsters eat?
Alice
Hamster food.
Martin
Ah well, that's what the streets are paved with. And there aren't any cats to chase them.
Alice
Does cats have a heaven too?
Martin
Oh, sure! Yeah, same deal, except no wheels, and their streets are paved with fish.
Alice
[looks at Eddie] What about dogs?
Martin
Yeah, dogs too. Just about all animals have a heaven.
Alice
Is Eddie going?
Martin
[surprised, laughs] Oh, no! Not-not Eddie. Not for a long time anyway. I mean, he's really still just a puppy.
Alice
How old is he?
Martin
Uh, he's about ten.
Alice
That's not a puppy!
Martin
Well... uh, hey, why don't we see if there are any cartoons on TV?
Daphne
Look who's here.
Roz
Hey, everybody! Look, Alice! Look what Mommy found.
Alice
A new hamster!
Roz
New? What makes you think he's new?
Alice
Because animals don't come back from heaven. Right, Uncle Martin?
Martin
Right. [to Roz] We sort of had a little talk.
Roz
You what?
Martin
Well, uh, look, I didn't mean-
Roz
Having little talks with Alice is my territory, not yours.
Martin
Well, look, uh, it was an accident. Like I said, I'm sorry.
Roz
Okay. [lowers voice] But death is a tough concept for a kid, I don't want her to be scared or confused.
Alice
[re: hamster] I like this one better.
Roz
[chuckles] Well, I guess she'll pull through. [touches his shoulder] Thanks for handling it.
Martin
No problem.
Roz
Come on, Alice. Goodnight, Martin.
Martin
Goodnight, Roz. Goodnight, Alice.
Alice
Goodnight, Uncle Martin. Bye, Eddie.
Martin
Here, boy.
Lasskopf
Oh my God! My house! What have you done to my house?
Cop
Is this the man you told me about?
Frasier
Yes, it is, Officer.
Lasskopf
Well, what the hell's going on?
Niles
We dug up your wife, that's what's going on!
Lasskopf
[horrified] You dug up my wife?!
Frasier
I'll bet you thought nobody ever would, didn't you?
Lasskopf
[truthfully] No!
Niles
Well, you didn't count on the Crane boys.
Lasskopf
But, uh... how could you?
Niles
Oh, a little luck and some simple deductive reasoning.
Frasier
That's enough questions out of you! I think this officer here has a few questions he'd like to ask you himself.
Cop
That's right, sir. Come this way, Mr. Lasskopf.
Frasier
Nice work, men. Well, Niles, another Crane Boys Mystery solved.
Niles
Wait'll we tell Dad!
Frasier
Oh, oh, we almost forgot our memory box. [chuckles] You know, we never even looked inside.
Frasier
Oh Niles, look.
Niles
Oh... this is the program for our backyard production of "Hamlet!" [lifts it out]
Frasier
I'd totally forgotten about that!
Niles
So had I!
Frasier
You know, Niles... we may owe Mr. Lasskopf an apology.