Don Juan In Hell (Part 2)

Bob

So how do you know Kirby?

Frasier

Well, I was his, uh, tutor.

Bob

Yow, how much do I owe you for that?

Frasier

It was a pleasure really. So you're Kirby's dad? Lana's ex who ran off with the dental hygienist.

Bob

[unoffended] But you can call me Bob. I take it Lana filled you in about our divorce?

Frasier

Yes, well, I was a shoulder for her briefly. You know, I think she's completely over you now.

Bob

I hope not! I mean I really want her back. I'll do whatever it takes to show her I'm a changed man.

Frasier

Listen, Bob, I-I don't think that's a very good idea.

Bob

Well, but you said at the airport...

Frasier

Yes, I know, I... [seeing an opportunity to divert Bob's attention] Oh, Roz! Roz, listen, I'd like you to meet, uh, Bob. Bob, this is Roz Doyle, the brilliant producer of my radio show.

Roz

Gee, thanks, Frasier.

Frasier

Of course, beauty and brains, huh? Ha, ha. Who said God doesn't give with both hands, huh? [Encouragingly] And, Roz, I believe, if I'm not mistaken you're, uh, available right now?

Roz

[Interested] Maybe. So what brings you to this little soirée?

Bob

Well, I'm Kirby's dad and Lana's ex, although hopefully not for long. Thanks to this man, I've decided to follow my heart and come back to the woman I really love.

Roz

[realizing Frasier's motivation] Oh, really? [She walks toward Frasier.]

Lana

Kirby, what is it?

Kirby

You'll see. You'll see.

Lana

OH, CRAP!! [She runs directly to her bedroom.]

Frasier

Well, there goes that. You gave it your best try Bob. In the words of Tennyson... [Bob has run to Lana's bedroom.] Bob? Damn.

Roz

[Hits Frasier in the chest.] You jerk! I am not just some man bait that you can just set out whenever it suits you!

Frasier

I know, I'm sorry Roz. I was desperate. For God's sake, I just ended things with Claire and now I'm here to pursue Lana and then he shows up. Everything's ruined!

Lana

[yelling from the bedroom] Why don't you just leave?! You're good at that! Just go!

Bob

[emerging from the bedroom] I'll call you later, son.

Kirby

You can't quit now! If you're going to come back, you got to get used to her screaming! [Exits.]

Roz

You know, as ugly as that was, things couldn't have worked out any better for you. I mean, she's vulnerable, there's a full bar, she's already in the bedroom. Almost takes the sport out of it. [She takes a drink.]

Frasier

I know you must be upset, Kirby.

Kirby

The guy just wants to talk to her and she gets completely bent.

Frasier

I know.

Kirby

I know it's a cliché, okay. I just, I really want my parents to get back together.

Frasier

I wish I could help.

Kirby

You could talk to my mother. You could tell her to give him another chance.

Frasier

Oh, I, I don't think I'm the guy for that job.

Kirby

Talking to people is your job. You could try.

Frasier

No, I can't.

Kirby

Can't? I seem to recall a young pupil named Kirby. He said "I can't" nary but months ago. But a certain man named Dr. Frasier Crane taught that pupil that he can do whatever he sets his mind to. And the name of that man was YOU!

Frasier

Well, Bob's left. Are you all right?

Lana

I have waited over a year for that man to come back to me, and when I finally get to the point where I never want to see him again, he walks through the door!

Frasier

But you're... you're much stronger now. It'd take a lot more than just showing up to change your mind.

Lana

Well, to be fair, he did try to apologize. I mean, what else can he do? He can't take the whole last year back.

Frasier

No, he can't.

Lana

Can I ask you something? In your opinion as a psychiatrist, once you've lost trust, can you ever get it back?

Frasier

[struggling] Well, it would take work...a lot of work. Think about it, Lana. [He takes her hand.] You could have a whole new life now.

Lana

I could. I'm just so confused. Frasier, you are the only man I can trust right now. Tell me what to do.

Frasier

Well... the truth is... that you wouldn't be having this crisis if you didn't still have feelings for Bob. You should talk to him. You owe it to yourself to hear him out.

Lana

I just want you to know, Frasier, that no matter what happens, you are a really good...

Frasier

Don't... Don't use the F-word.

Lana

I wasn't about to! [Playfully tapping his shoulder.] I was going to say we're friends!

Martin

Great pot roast, Daph.

Daphne

Wow, thanks Mr. Crane. I used turnips and pearl onions for the...

Martin

[giving up] Oh, what's the use? This place will never be the same without Claire.

Niles

We all miss her, Dad.

Daphne

No one misses her more than me. She could have been the sister I never had.

Martin

You think we can call her?

Daphne

What would we say?

Niles

She's probably out on a date with somebody else.

Martin

Well, maybe not. Let's just see if she's home.

Niles

Put it on speaker.

Martin

You do the talking.

Niles

No, Daphne should.

Daphne

I don't know what to say!

Claire

"Hello?"

Niles

Well, that was childish.

Niles

She star 69'd us. Don't answer it!

Frasier

Have you all gone deaf? Isn't someone going to answer that?

Martin

You're up.

Frasier

Hello?... Claire!... I did not call you, you called me! I did not! I did not! I did...

Frasier

What was that all about?

Martin

Beats me, she always was a little nutty.

Niles

Hey, how did things go with Lana?

Frasier

Oh, I think she's going back with her ex-husband. He showed up at the party, and I ended up counseling her to give him a second chance. [He sits on the couch.] It was the noble thing to do... although my honor won't keep me warm at night.

Martin

Guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Daphne

But don't give up! There's a lid for every pot. [She stands and moves to Niles, who puts his arm around her.]

Niles

Mmm, that's right. Good things come to those who wait.

Martin

And there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Frasier

Dear God! I will choke on another platitude! Please! Can't you say something helpful for once?!

Martin

[fed up] Well, I'm sorry if the material isn't fresh anymore! It isn't easy coming up with happy talk every time you can't make it work with a woman!

Frasier

[incredulous] "Every time I can't make it work with a woman"?!

Martin

That's right! We wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't blown it with Claire!

Frasier

Is that so?! [to Niles and Daphne] Do you all feel this way?

Daphne

I'll clear.

Niles

I'll help.

Frasier

[wounded] I see. My own family has turned on me in my darkest hour! After a day of personal torment, I stagger homeward chapfallen...

Frasier

...in search of comfort in the bosom of my family, but do they indulge me and permit me to suckle? No, instead they...

Frasier

Well, I've said my piece.

Frasier

Hello? Yes, hi, Niles. Listen, I'm fine, actually. I, I just need a little time alone. I'll, I'll see you in a day or two. No, there's no need to put Dad on. He's already "consoled" me enough as it is.

Frasier

"Every time I can't make it work with a woman"! What the hell does he know?

Lilith

[o.s.] He's not wrong, Frasier.

Frasier

Yes, he is! It wasn't that I couldn't make it work with Lana. I simply stepped aside when the father of her children showed up, like the decent human being I am.

Lilith

And - speaking on behalf of your subconscious - because you realized the relationship was destined to fail.

Frasier

And why would that be? Lana could've been perfect for me.

Lilith

Is that just something you say out of habit now?

Frasier

No!

Lilith

Because two weeks ago the title belonged to Claire.

Frasier

Claire was perfect. I just wasn't in love with her. The heart has a mind of its own, they say.

Lilith

Or perhaps she wasn't needy enough for you. You have been known to love a project.

Frasier

Oh, please! I have never found neediness to be an attractive quality in a woman!

Diane

Never?

Frasier

Never! Neediness was the very reason it didn't work with Diane! Specifically her need... for another man.

Lilith

But you were attracted to her initially because her weakness allowed you to play the role of noble rescuer.

Diane

Excuse me, I have to object to the word "weakness." I was challenging, yet vulnerable, which is why Frasier saw me as the perfect woman for him, still does.

Frasier

I do not.

Diane

Then why am I in the car?

Frasier

Perhaps you represent a happier time in my life.

Diane

Frasier, do you remember the time we drove down the cape and had a lobster picnic on the bluff? [turning to Lilith] We had nothing to crack open the claws, so Frasier put them in a bag and ran over them with the car!

Frasier

[chuckles] That didn't work either.

Diane

[laughs nostalgically] Oh, we gave up and made glorious love in the dunes. Hmmm...

Lilith

Wait a minute. Wasn't that me?

Frasier

[thinks] Right, that was you.

Diane

Well then, what do I represent?

Frasier

I don't know and I don't care. Now if you don't mind, I'd like a little peace.

Frasier

Oh, dear God, not her!

Diane

That person's not wearing shoes!

Lilith

That's Nanette. His first wife.

Diane

She's going to get hookworm!

Lilith

He's obviously dredging up past relationships in order to identify a pattern.

Diane

[smiles] Why, Frasier Crane, you were a hippie!

Frasier

I was 20! That was during my impulsive, rebellious phase.

Diane

[sympathetically] Oh, pick her up! You can't ignore her.

Frasier

She's not a part of who I am anymore!

Nanette

Do you remember that song?

Frasier

[horrified] Apparently, I do.

Nanette

He composed it in college. It's how we met. He wrote it as a poem and was reciting it one night at the Human Collective when I joined in with my guitar. Would you like to hear it?

Frasier

NO!!

Lilith/Diane

Oh, yes!/Yes, please!

Nanette

It's called "Bangladesh: Dhaka before the dawn." [She begins to sing.] "I dreamt that I was riding a candy unicorn / As I went to meet my lady in the dewdrop crystal morn..."

Frasier

The Bangladesh part's coming.

Frasier

Oh... Solitude. This is what I needed!

Diane

Perhaps. But to quote Lord Byron, "It is in solitude where we are least alone."

Lilith

Smells like dirt out there. [seeing the cabin's interior] Whoa!

Nanette

Before Frasier sold out, we always dreamed of having a home like this - where we'd be surrounded by nature and need only the food that we grew and the shelter of each other's arms.

Lilith

[drily] It's amazing that marriage didn't work out.

Diane

[aside to Lilith] She was probably great in the sack.

Nanette

Actually, I made a lot of distracting noises.

Frasier

All right, all right. [closes door] This has been a lot of fun, but what's it going to take to get you people out of my head?

Lilith

Well, a little self-examination might do it.

Frasier

Fine! I'm a failure in love. [throws a bag into the kitchen/ pantry] I failed with all of you. I failed with Lana and with Claire, and with countless others in between. Happy?

Lilith

Failure is a result, not a cause. What's at the core?

Frasier

Perhaps there is no core. Maybe fate's just conspiring against me. Did you ever think of that?

Lilith

No, there's no such thing as fate.

Nanette

[now knitting on the couch] Ha! If that were true, there'd be no such thing as astrology!

Lilith

[glancing dismissively at Nanette] More avoidance, Frasier. Try to focus!

Diane

I just had a thought! [Frasier approaches her, listening eagerly.] Maybe it isn't Frasier's fault.

Lilith

Oh, denial, how nice to see you. [Frasier glares at her.]

Diane

Frasier.

Frasier

Hmm?

Diane

It's your women! We leave you. It's in our nature. I left you.

Frasier

Yes. You did! You left me for Sam.

Diane

[dreamily] I left Sam, too.

Lilith

Diane, we're talking about Frasier. When we're inside your head, we'll talk about you.

Diane

I'm just saying that his women leave. [to Lilith] You did, too.

Nanette

So did I!

Frasier

That's right! You all did.

Diane

Oh, and poor Frasier. You keep on trying.

Nanette

He can't help it! He's a hopeless romantic.

Diane

Frasier, when are you going to learn? [sings] "Falling in love with love is falling for make-believe..."

Nanette

What's wrong with following your heart? Just because we left him doesn't mean the perfect woman isn't out there somewhere.

Lilith

That's the problem. Frasier thinks every woman is the perfect woman until he finds the deal-breaking flaw. [distracted by Diane's singing] You-, we... [to Frasier] Can you make that stop?

Frasier

I'm sorry. It's stuck in my head.

Diane

[singing] "I realized that I was unable to sing..."

Lilith

Thank you. [Diane looks put upon.] It's that quest for perfection which ultimately defeats you, because the perfect woman does not exist.

Hester

[o.s.] Speak for yourself!

Frasier

MOTHER!

Hester

[referencing the three women] For such a short trip, you sure brought a lot of baggage!

Frasier

What are you doing here?

Lilith

You have to ask? You're a Freudian.

Hester

You've spent your whole life trying to replace me, but it's completely understandable. I was your first love.

Lilith

Ladies, meet the competition. [indicating Hester] This is the woman against whom we have all been measured.

Frasier

[interrupting her] Lilith, will you please be quiet! Mother is speaking!

Hester

So, a lifetime of collecting women and this is the cream of the crop: the slacker, the barmaid, and the icicle. I was so relieved when they left you.

Diane

You left him too!

Hester

Oh, I had no choice. Perhaps you heard? I died. Now, let's get down to work, shall we? [moves to the couch]

Lilith

We were doing perfectly well before you got here.

Hester

Well, if your bargain-basement psychiatry was so effective, why did he have to call in the big guns? [sits] Now, let's explore the inner recesses of your psyche like we did when you were a boy. [indicates her knee]

Frasier

I don't want to!

Hester

Perhaps we should start with the premise set forth in the definitive study done by Harlan and Watkins.

Lilith

Oh, excuse me, but the definitive study was done ten years later at Cambridge.

Hester

Oh, excuse me for not keeping up. I was busy being dead!

Nanette

That's her excuse for everything!

Hester

Don't you have a tambourine to bang?

Diane

Don't feel bad. She tried to kill me once.

Hester

Oh, not this paranoia again!

Diane

You had a gun.

Hester

Frasier, don't listen to them. These women are all liars and cheaters. I'm the only woman you can trust.

Diane

You're a fine one to talk! You cheated on Martin.

Hester

Oh, that's none of your beeswax, Missy!

Lilith

Oh, betrayal by the mother. Is there any deeper wound?

Hester

[stands] I'd say sleeping with his brother is right up there!

Diane

[gasps, to Lilith] You did?!

Hester

Mmm-hmm!

Diane

[fantasizing] Ooh, I could see that.

Diane

Don't even think about my baby like that!

Nanette

You can't control her thoughts.

Hester

Oh, shut up, you're a whore.

Nanette

[stands] You're a hypocrite!

Hester

Whore!

Nanette

Hypocrite!

Hester

Whore!

Nanette

Hypocrite! You're all hypocrites!

Hester

And you're all whores!

Lilith

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Don't you see what he's doing? He's pitting us against each other in order to avoid the real conflict within himself. We must work together.

Hester

What is the problem? Why can't you make it work with a woman?

Diane

Is it because they leave you?

Nanette

Have you stopped listening to your heart?

Lilith

Is it your unrealistic expectations?

Frasier

I don't know. [gets off the couch and runs to the door] Leave me alone! I don't want to do this!

Diane

What is it?

Frasier

It's every woman I've ever dated!

Frasier

What am I going to do?

Hester

Now, son. I know this is frightening for you, but you have to do the work.

Frasier

[gives in] Okay... [walks back to the center of the room] Okay. [sits on the couch] Fine. All right. I screwed things up with Lana. But wait, that wasn't my fault. She was still in love with her ex-husband.

Lilith

No, Lana is not the problem.

Hester

No, she wasn't right for you at all.

Frasier

Oh, mother, you would say that. You never approved of any of my relationships.

Hester

Don't pin this on me. I liked Claire.

Diane

Oh, she was perfect for you.

Nanette

Everybody thought so.

Hester

So why didn't it work out?

Lilith

Maybe because she was just right for you.

Frasier

What does that mean?

Hester

Well, Claire was everything we ever looked for in a woman.

Lilith

And that terrified you.

Diane

Because inevitably she would have left you.

Nanette

And so, of course, you ran away.

Frasier

No, no, no. I left Claire because I discovered I had feelings for Lana.

Lilith

You created feelings for Lana...

Hester

Who was extremely flawed...

Lilith

So you'd have an excuse to leave Claire.

Frasier

Yes, but I didn't need an excuse. I didn't love her!

Lilith

You didn't want to love her.

Hester

She was too good.

Diane

And that's why you were afraid.

Frasier

All right, you're saying that I'm afraid of a good woman?

Hester

You're afraid of losing a good woman. Again.

Frasier

So that's it... all this work, just to find out that I have a fear of rejection?

Lilith

That's right.

Frasier

[beside himself] So I'm alone... because I'm afraid to be alone?!

Diane

Don't feel too bad. You'll always have us. Isn't that right, girls?

Frasier

All right, wait a minute!

Frasier

That's it! That's my problem. You are always there. I have carried you with me throughout every relationship, on every date. You pick apart every woman I care about and you remind me how much it'll hurt if I open myself up. You don't help me. You hold me back. How will I ever move forward if I don't put you behind me...?

Niles

Hurry along, Daphne, we'll miss the curtain.

Martin

Yeah, and you know how strict they are about that at the Cineplex.

Daphne

Sorry. I was rushing and I put my heel through the hem of my skirt, so I had to put on another one.

Niles

Ooh, it looks nice.

Daphne

Then the top didn't go, so I changed it to this, but I couldn't wear this with a black brassiere, so I had to change that, which meant I had to change me knickers to match in case I go to the hospital. [Niles and Martin exchange a glance.] You know, coordinating undergarments are the mark of a lady and all that. Anyway, it's a long story. I won't bore you with it.

Martin

[sarcastically] Yeah, thanks.

Frasier

Oh.

Niles

Hey.

Martin

Hello.

Frasier

Hi, guys.

Daphne

How are you, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Actually, I'm-I'm fine, Daphne. In fact, my little retreat was just what this doctor ordered. I cleared my head. Came to some conclusions. So where are you guys off to?

Niles

Oh, just one of Dad's movies. You want to join us? I brought my "Itty-Bitty Book Light."

Frasier

No thanks, you guys go ahead.

Daphne

You'll be okay, won't you?

Frasier

Ah, yes, I'll be just fine.

Martin

Why don't I just stay here to keep you company?

Frasier

No, really Dad, I'm fine.

Martin

You sure?

Frasier

Yes. In fact, I'm...I'm better than I've been in quite some time. Mainly because of one very important thing I learned...

Martin

[interrupting] Great! Let's roll.