Cheerful Goodbyes
Aired 30th April 2002 · Written by Heide Perlman · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Frasier
Despite your healthy teen skepticism, Jeremy, problems that seem crushing now can actually serve to shape your life in positive ways later on.
Jeremy
[voice over] You're just saying that.
Frasier
No, well, I'll tell you what, perhaps I can convince you with a story. I recall a young man who suffered from involuntary bedwetting until he was twelve years old. Or was it thirteen? Boy, you'd think I'd remember, I slept in the lower bunk. The point is, it was very difficult for him, what with the alarms, and the bladder stretching exercises and the incessant teasing he suffered once his schoolmates found out.
Jeremy
[v.o.] How'd they find out?
Frasier
[guiltily] The point I'm trying to make here is that this man today is a prominent and respected psychiatrist. And you see, his affliction served to make him stronger, more empathic, and extremely hygenic. So, hang in there, Jeremy.
Jeremy
[v.o.] Okay. Thanks Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Thank you. And thank you, listeners. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day and good mental health.
Roz
That was...kind of brave to admit you were a bed wetter.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, pay attention! That was Niles, not me. You know, I've got to run. I'm still putting the finishing touches on my speech for the Boston conference.
Roz
Did you come up with a title?
Frasier
Yes. As a matter of fact, Niles will be introducing me on "Notes for a Critical Approach to Radio As Mediating Gateway in the Process of Psychological Demystification".
Roz
Good speech, what's the title?
Frasier
It promises to be a fun family weekend for all, actually. So what have you got planned for the weekend?
Roz
Actually, my sorority sisters are coming in for a visit.
Frasier
Oh, I suppose you'll be sharing the secret handshake, doing skits, that sort of thing.
Roz
Yeah, right. Only problem is, my apartment is just too small for everyone to stay in, and HEY your place will be empty!
Frasier
Say no more, Roz. No.
Roz
Why not?
Frasier
Look, I'm sorry, Roz, it's just the idea of strangers in my apartment. I couldn't sleep.
Roz
I'm sorry I asked.
Frasier
No apologies necessary. Oh, oh, Roz, that reminds me: since you're going to be walking Eddie for Dad anyway, I wrote down a list of a couple of other things you can do for me.
Roz
Pick up the mail and newspapers, water the fichus, fluff your pillows?
Frasier
Yes, and oh, please, don't forget to mist my bedroom with rose water. It likes it best at dusk.
Frasier
Oh, I love returning to Boston. There's just something in the air.
Niles
Perhaps the toxic gas spewing from your gigantic mouth.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, please, will you just let it go? I didn't mention your name.
Niles
Oh, no, you just said it was someone with whom you shared a bunk bed who is now a psychiatrist. I'd say that narrows the field down to... hmm, me!
Frasier
But only to someone who knows that you're my brother. And who would that be?
Niles
My patients.
Martin
The guys at work.
Daphne
One of the flight attendants.
Niles
What? Oh, so that's why she looked at me that way when I told her I spilled my drink.
Martin
Would you guys come on? I wanna see my bag come down the chute.
Frasier
All right, Dad.
Niles
You can forget about my introducing your talk.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, you can't be serious.
Niles
I wouldn't even be here if Daphne didn't want to see Boston.
Daphne
Yes, I do. So you two make up and let's go get one of those famous Boston lobsters.
Niles
No, it's Maine that's famous for lobsters, sweetheart. Boston is famous for beans.
Daphne
Beans? What kind of a city brags about bloody beans?
Cliff
Oh, that's right, your common pumpkin was once six hundred times the size of your present day variety, thereby allowing the entire fiefdom to feast all winter on the meat of a single seed.
Frasier
Cliff Clavin!
Cliff
Frasier. You old dog, how ya doin'?
Frasier
Good to see you. Say hello to the family. This is my brother Niles Crane.
Cliff
Oh, heya Niles.
Frasier
His fiancee Daphne Moon.
Cliff
Enchante.
Frasier
And this is my dad, Martin Crane.
Cliff
Hey, Marty.
Martin
Nice to meet a fellow civil servant.
Cliff
Oh, you one of the brotherhood, are you?
Martin
I was a cop for thirty years.
Cliff
Oh, couldn't pass the mail carrier's exam, huh? You know what, I can't believe you brought your entire family here for my retirement party.
Frasier
Well, actually...
Cliff
You know, when I didn't get your RS si vous plait, I figured you weren't gonna show up. But you son of a gun, you wanted to surprise me, didn't you?
Frasier
Well, yes. Surprise.
Cliff
You know what, I gotta go meet Ma's plane. She's bringing in ten gallons of punch.
Cliff
See you guys tonight, eight o'clock sharp.
Frasier
At Cheers?
Cliff
On, no, no, no. Sammy's got it booked for a Red Socks reunion tonight. We're gonna be at the Somerville Town Crier.
Frasier
Oh.
Niles
Why did you do that? This is our one free night, I had to pull a lot of strings to get dinner reservations at L'Espalier.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, you saw how thrilled he was, I couldn't say no. Besides, it'll be a chance for me to see my old friends again. I mean, these people are an important part of my past. They were there for me when I needed friends most.
Niles
How about if we move the reservation back half an hour?
Frasier
Oh, that should be plenty.
Frasier
Ha, hello, everybody!
Carla
Oh, Frasier, Frasier! Look at you. I forgot how big your head is.
Frasier
Carla, you haven't changed a bit. This is my family.
Cliff
Hey, everybody, why don't you try some deviled eggs. I used Ma's special recipe: water instead of mayonnaise.
Frasier
No thanks.
Paul
Hey, Fraizh!
Frasier
Paul, how ya doing?
Cliff
Paul, how'd you find out about this?
Paul
I live here, I just came down for some ice.
Cliff
Well, stay out of the way.
Paul
Can do.
Norm
Evenin', everybody.
Everyone
NORM!
Cliff
Hey, so what's goin' down, Norm?
Norm
My blood-alcohol level. [grabbing a beer] Suds, do your work!
Norm
Frasier's here?
Frasier
Hey Norm, how ya doin'?
Cliff
He brought his whole family, Norm.
Frasier
Yeah, yeah, say hi to my brother Niles and his fiancee Daphne Moon and that's my Dad there, Martin Crane.
Martin
Wow, that's some mug callous you've got there.
Norm
Judging from your grip, I'd say you were a can man.
Martin
Guilty as charged.
Norm
All right, well, have a seat.
Martin
Thanks.
Norm
Listen, uh Cliffy. Vera would have been here, so I didn't tell her about it.
Frasier
Yes, Vera is Norm's much storied wife.
Niles
Oh, that sounds fascinating. Let me know when we're leaving.
Frasier
Right.
Niles
[to Daphne] We're never going to get out of here in half an hour, why don't you and I just go?
Daphne
Niles, don't be rude. These are your brother's friends, just try and loosen up.
Cliff
Hey, that's quite a suit you got there, buddy boy. It what, cost over a hundred I bet, huh?
Cliff
Hey, Paul, Paul, here, feel this suit.
Phil
I'm next after Paul.
Cliff
Yeah, get in here.
Frasier
So, Carla, how've you been?
Carla
Well, two of my kids are in jail, the bank's about to foreclose on my house and, after tonight, I'm never gonna see Cliff Clavin again. Things are great!
Frasier
[to the others] Carla was never really a fan of Cliff's.
Carla
Yeah, not to talk the guy down, but he's a big blowhard who thinks he knows everything and never shuts up.
Daphne
[deadpan] Imagine.
Martin
Hey, Norm, let me buy you a beer. [to bartender] Get a beer here?
Norm
Where have you been all my life?
Cliff
Well, e-mail did hurt us, but you know, computer's gonna be dead in about five years anyway. Post Office will rise again, my friend, we'll rise again! Feel that.
Niles
Frasier!
Frasier
Hmm? Oh, say, Cliff, where's your mom?
Cliff
Ah, Ma got on the wrong plane. She went to Bosnia.
Carla
Hey, Cliff, tell us more about how you're leaving. And tell it real slow. Quiet, everybody.
Cliff
Well, Carla, tomorrow I'm gettin' on a plane and going to the promised land, Florida. Time to hang up my uniform and live in my Speedos.
Carla
I didn't think anything could live in your Speedos.
Daphne
Aren't you a bit young to retire, Cliff? I'd be worried I'd become bored.
Cliff
Oh, don't you worry about that, Missy. When I get down there to ol' Florida, I'm gonna buy myself an airboat. Give tours of the everglades, maybe wrestle a few crocodiles.
Niles
That would be alligators.
Cliff
Ah, common mistake there, Sparky. See, when a crocodile raises it's head, its nostrils get pinched shut tight, thereby cutting off its oxygen supply. Yeah, a baby could wrestle one.
Daphne
That's fascinating. Did you know that, Niles?
Niles
I, uh, I still don't. Excuse me Daphne.
Niles
Frasier?
Frasier
Hmm?
Niles
If we're going to make our reservations, we're going to need to leave now.
Frasier
Oh, is it that time already?
Niles
Already? If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories, my head will explode.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, don't worry about him, nobody takes him seriously.
Daphne
I never knew there were so many letters in the dolphin alphabet.
Frasier
I see. Well, um, is Dad ready to go?
Niles
Dad? Dad would be content to sit there swilling beer all night!
Frasier
Well, you know, it seems like everyone is having such a good time, why don't we just push the reservation back another half an hour?
Niles
Everyone ISN'T having a..
Paul
Fraizh? Sit down and tell us what it's like to be famous.
Frasier
Well, sure Paul! [to Niles] Better make it an hour.
Martin
The best thing is, on a summer's day, you open a cold one, and that foam runs down your hand and for a split second there, you're jealous of your own knuckles.
Norm
Oh, yeah. I had no idea that you were a poet. Yeah, tell me the one about the bacon again.
Martin
Which one?
Norm
All of 'em.
Carla
Hey, white-bread. What could possibly be wrong on this most wonderful of nights?
Niles
Oh, no offense, it's just we had reservations at one of the finest restaurants in Boston, and instead we're eating trail mix and drinking this... [he looks at the bottle] ...oh, dear God, it's just labeled "Wine".
Carla
Hey, Norm, doesn't he remind you of Frasier? Say "indubitably".
Niles
Must I?
Norm
It's uncanny.
Carla
Hey, remember that time you guys took Frasier on a snipe hunt?
Norm
Yeah.
Niles
What's a snipe hunt?
Carla
That's when you take some unsuspecting dope out to bag snipe, which don't exist, and then you ditch 'em in the woods.
Niles
That must have been completely humiliating for Frasier.
Carla
Well, that's the point.
Niles
Well, do you have any more of these stories?
Carla
Only about a million.
Niles
Oh, I don't have time for a million, just tell me the hundred worst.
Norm
Okay, well, when Frasier first started coming to Cheers, he was really kind of a boob.
Paul
Yeah, boob.
Paul
Sorry.
Cliff
Everyone, attention. Mr. Twitchell has got something to say here.
Twitchell
I'd like to propose a toast to Cliff Clavin. We were often adversaries, but he was a postman and I'll say this about him: he never developed a stoop. Mostly because he threw the big catalogs into the river. And even though he didn't strictly abide by the rules, especially 367 B Section 17…
Twitchell
Well, anyway, when all is said and done you have to ask what will the mail be without Cliff Clavin?
Everyone
On time!
Cliff
Twitchell, thank you very much.
Phil
I just wanted to thank you, Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers.
Cliff
Well, you were always there for me, Al.
Phil
I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, you dumb son of a bitch.
Frasier
Well, you know, I hadn't planned on making a speech, so my remarks will have to be extemporaneous.
Carla
I hope that means "dirty".
Martin
Smart money's on "long".
Frasier
It was about ten years ago when I too left Boston. But the kind wishes and outpouring of emotions from my friends remain fresh in my mind. I still remember Sam throwing me a lavish party and dubbing me the "Einstein of Cheers" against my modest protests that I was merely the Neils Bohr.
Carla
You still are!
Frasier
Carla, thank you. And then of course, Norm begging me to stay and that comical moment when Woody threw his arms around my leg and began to cry. Now another one of us is leaving this wonderful town. Good luck, Cliff.
Everyone
Hear, hear.
Norm
Great. I was gonna say "Good luck, Cliff."
Frasier
Please hold our table, we'll be there in a half hour.
Frasier
Cliff? Are you all right?
Cliff
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's just I gotta...whoo take a break from all that partyin'.
Cliff
All right, you pried it out of me. My so called friends, they don't care about me.
Frasier
Sure they do.
Cliff
Ah, your toast in there brought home the ugly truth. When you left, everybody asked you to stay. I told these mullocks six months ago I was retiring. And not one single one of 'em has said anything like "I'm sure gonna miss you there, Big Shooter." or "Gee, I wish you could stick around, Big Shooter."
Frasier
"Big Shooter"?
Cliff
It's a nickname I once gave myself.
Frasier
Well, Cliff, you know it's entirely possible that your friends are suffering from a kind of separation anxiety. They may find it difficult to admit to themselves that you are actually leaving. You know, I could have a little talk with them if you'd like.
Cliff
Huh, what kind of hollow victory would that be?
Cliff
So, if I took a walk around the block would that give you enough time?
Frasier
Sure!
Frasier
Everybody, uh, listen up. Cliff is going through kind of a crisis about leaving.
Carla
No, no he's not! No crisis!
Frasier
All I'm saying is that it would go a long way toward helping him if you could just let him know how much you're going to miss him. Tell him, you know, how sad you are that he's leaving.
Norm
I don't know, Fraizh. Look, I'm his best friend, but I am no good at the mushy stuff.
Frasier
Surely you can come up with a few words to say, Norm.
Norm
Yeah, but what if he cries? What if he tries to hug me? What are people gonna think, two guys hugging? I, uh...
Carla
Hey! You're gonna kiss him with tongue if that's what it takes to get rid of him.
Carla
Shh. Here he is. Everyone pretend that you like him.
Frasier
Carla, we DO like him.
Carla
Yeah, like that.
Paul
Um, I want to make a toast. Cliff, you've always been my role model.
Cliff
Really? You mean that Paul?
Paul
I sure do. Especially when it comes to the ladies. I'm sad you're going.
Everyone
Yeah, hear, hear.
Phil
Cliff, I will miss you too, you dumb son of a bitch!
Everyone
Hear, hear!
Daphne
I haven't known you for very long, Cliff, but I've learned so much from you. I never knew that the Indians of the rain forest used to stretch out pig intestines and use it as a primitive telephone. Or that Winston Churchill invented the modern English muffin. You're a fascinating man. Good luck.
Cliff
Oh, thank you, Daphne.
Paul
He's smooth.
Niles
Congratulations, Cliff. Stop that, stop it.
Norm
Cliffy, we've been best friends for a long long time. We've done a lot of stuff together, most of it dumb. The rest of it boring. But it's like we have this connection, you know? I mean, somehow we know when we want to be dumb and when we want to be boring. To my best friend Cliff.
Everyone
To Cliff!
Cliff
Come here, you.
Frasier
Carla? Don't you have a few words to say?
Carla
I sure do. Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but being here tonight, makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life. I'd like to say that I'll miss you... I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
Frasier
It's okay, Carla.
Carla
I'd like to say that I'll miss you...but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs! I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier
Carla!
Carla
Back off, I'm toasting! The twenty years I've known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with, with a bunch of diseased rats. But finally, you're leaving! I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again. I can live again! Finally, I can live! I can live!
Carla
Anyway, God bless.
Everyone
Hear, hear.
Cliff
Well, I can't believe my ears. I heard Paul and Norm there sayin' all those nice things about me, I actually started thinkin' maybe I shouldn't go to Florida, leave all my friends. You know, am I doin' the right thing? But when I heard you speak those words, Carla, that's when I decided. I am gonna stay!
Carla
What?
Cliff
That's right, you little dickens. You only joke about somebody like that when you really care for them.
Carla
I wasn't joking! I really hate you!
Cliff
Carla, come on, you're gonna make me cry. Everyone, the move is off!
Carla
No! No! No!
Cliff
Oh, Frasier, I owe this all to you.
Carla
Frasier! We were so close and then you had to show up and ruin everything!
Frasier
Well, we've got dinner reservations...
Cliff
Hey, everybody, thanks for all the gifts, but I don't have much use for a spear gun here in Boston.
Carla
Give me that! Give me that!
Carla
Give me that! I want that! I have use for that! No! Let me go!
Frasier
Well, see you around, Big shooter.
Cliff
Thanks Doc.
Daphne
Good luck Cliff. Anytime you're in Seattle...
Niles
Frasier has an extra room.
Norm
Marty, you're not going too, are you?
Martin
Yeah, I have to. But hey, why don't you come to Seattle sometime? I'll show you around, have a few beers at McGinty's.
Norm
Yeah? You mean that?
Martin
Absolutely, it's only six hours flying time from here.
Norm
Six hours...you know sittin' there in one place, never movin'. That's, that's just not me, you know?
Martin
Yeah, all right.
Frasier
Listen, I'm sorry that I ruined your evening.
Niles
Oh, actually, I ended up rather enjoying myself.
Frasier
Really? I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that. I knew that once you met these people you'd learn to love them as I do.
Niles
Actually, I've rethought a lot of things. I'm going to give you a much deserved introduction at that conference tomorrow.
Frasier
Are you certain?
Niles
Oh, you won't be able to stop me.