Frasier Has Spokane
Aired 7th May 2003 · Written by Eric Zicklin · Directed by Wil Shriner
Frasier
So just remember, when you're standing there, that what you're going through...
Kenny
Why hasn't Frasier mentioned the Spokane thing yet?
Roz
I don't know. I'm sure we'll get to it by the end of the show.
Kenny
Well, he'd better, because I left him a memo and an email specifically asking him to promote the Spokane thing. Now ignoring an email is one thing, but a memo and an email? Well, I may have to bring the hammer down and leave a Post-It on his desk.
Frasier
Which brings me to a bit of news. Starting Monday, there will be a new addition to the Frasier Crane radio family: the city of Spokane. [smiles at Kenny]
Kenny
Oh, thank goodness. Man, that was like the Cuban Missile Crisis for a moment, wasn't it?
Frasier
In fact, KQZY is not only going to be carrying the show, but they've invited Roz and me to conduct Monday's broadcast from their studios in Spokane. But fret not, Seattle. Although my body will be 300 miles away, my heart will be firmly lodged in your radios. [beat] You know, that sounded a lot better this morning in the shower. Anyway, good day and good mental health.
Roz
I thought Friday was your bath day.
Frasier
Ah, I woke up late. So, Roz, what time do you want me to pick up you and Roger on Sunday?
Roz
Oh, there's been a change in plans. Roger is not coming to Spokane.
Frasier
Really? Well, nothing wrong, I hope.
Roz
We broke up.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, I'm so sorry.
Roz
We just talked about some problems we'd been having and decided, you know, we'd be better off apart.
Frasier
When did this happen.
Roz
Last week.
Frasier
Last week-?
Roz
I didn't tell you because I didn't want to have a long conversation.
Frasier
I understand. You must be going through a lot right now. You know, back in private practice I used to tell my grief group...
Roz
See, this is exactly what I mean. I appreciate your concern, but I am fine, really.
Frasier
Okay. Boy, what a surprise. No more Roger.
Roz
I know.
Frasier
Yes, he had a rare kind of dignity and integrity you don't see much of nowadays. Especially among people who own a bench press. You know, I don't believe I've ever met anyone else with that combination of gentility and brute strength. Well, not anybody single, anyhow.
Frasier
I'm not helping, am I?
Roz
No.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Hey.
Frasier
I thought you and Daphne were going out tonight.
Niles
She's still getting ready. Hey, Frasier, am I dressed appropriately for something called "Banana-rama"? [he says wearing his traditional suit]
Frasier
You're in Armani, who could object?
Martin
Hey, guys.
Frasier
Dad.
Martin
Uh, just lean it up against the window there, will you? [they do]
Frasier
What is this?
Martin
It's mahogany. Real straight grain, too. I found it outside the construction site next door? Can you believe they were going to throw it away?
Frasier
Dad, I thought we had this discussion when you found that mattress on the side of the highway.
Martin
But this isn't for resale, I'm going to make a TV table out of it. [tips the workmen as they leave] Thanks, fellas. Isn't it a beaut?
Niles
[inspecting the underside] There's a ketchup packet stuck to it.
Martin
Oh, it's going to feel good to break out the tools, roll up my sleeves, and make something with my own two hands.
Frasier
Dad, are you sure this is a good idea? Woodworking has never been your strength.
Niles
Yeah, I think the scariest words of my childhood were, "Your father needs your help down in the basement."
Martin
Well, I must have done something right. I made a lot of good stuff.
Frasier
Even with directions, you could never assemble anything. I remember a play set where the slide ended right in front of the swings.
Niles
I don't remember that.
Frasier
I know. Sorry.
Martin
Now, I'm gonna build a TV table, and I need a number one helper. Whose turn is it?
Frasier
No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I am leaving for Spokane on Sunday, I will not be available.
Niles
Your show's not till Monday!
Frasier
Yes, well I have sponsors to meet, I have press interviews and photo sessions. Niles, this is a very big step in my career. If I can prove that my brand of radio travels well, perhaps I can parlay Spokane into Denver, Chicago... maybe even New York City.
Martin
[to Niles] Well, you win, buddy. I'll see you tomorrow. Be sure to wear some work gloves. Oh, and some coveralls. We don't want a repeat of that necktie-in-the-band-saw incident.
Niles
Oh, great. With my luck, there'll be a baseball game on the radio, too.
Frasier
It won't be so bad.
Niles
Oh, how can you say that? You once tried to report him to the Child Labor Board.
Frasier
Well, at least I was being proactive. I recall you used to lock yourself in the bathroom to cry.
Niles
I didn't go in there to cry. I went in to re-gather my patience.
Frasier
Say, Niles, why don't you just ask Daphne to fill in for you?
Niles
Daphne?
Frasier
Well, why not? She's gonna owe you big time after dragging you to this banana event.
Niles
No, no, it's a concert. And I hardly think it compares to the torture of assisting Dad.
Daphne
All right, I'm ready. [sees him] Oh, Niles, you're not going in those clothes. Come with me. [takes his hand] I got you some hair gel and parachute pants.
Herm
Okay, here's the drill. Now, I'll introduce you to the reporters, they'll ask you questions. Try not to go on too much. The faster we get them to the courtesy liquor, the better.
Frasier
Oh, don't worry. I'll be able to get my message across. You see, I'm a bit of a puppeteer when it comes to the press.
Herm
Good. [walks away, but turns back] But still, liquor.
Kenny
Oh, sorry I'm late, Doc. I, uh, had a situation at the hotel but it's under control now.
Frasier
Judging from the pillow wrinkles on your cheek, I'd say it was a nap situation.
Kenny
The point is, it's under control.
Herm
Kenny Daly! Don't say hi or anything?
Kenny
Herm Evans! [shakes his hand] So, how's our star doing? Everything go okay with the CPS's?
Herm
Terrific.
Kenny
And your ExecComm?
Herm
Oh, they're thrilled.
Kenny
What about the M-and-M's?
Herm
[hands him a bowl] Help yourself.
Kenny
Thanks.
Roz
Hey, everybody. [they all greet her]
Frasier
Oh listen, let me introduce you to Herm Evans, the station manager here.
Herm
[shakes her hand] Nice to meet you, Roz.
Roz
Thanks.
Herm
Now that everybody's here, I'll go get the reporters.
Frasier
Right, right. [Herm leaves] Uh, Roz, listen. Sure you're up to this?
Roz
Yeah, why? Why wouldn't I be?
Frasier
Well, it's been a tough time lately, you know, with the Roger situation.
Roz
Oh, knock it off, Frasier. I'm fine.
Frasier
You sure?
Roz
Yes.
Frasier
Because, believe me, I wouldn't blame you if you were struggling a little bit. I mean, believe me, my head would be filled with "what if's" and "if only's" and, God forbid, the looming question, "What if I'll never again have the chance..." Oh, here comes the press! All right, big smiles!
Herm
Thanks for coming, everybody! [to a heavyset photographer] Hey, Matt, is that a new tie, or did you just have it cleaned? [laughs] Hey, there'll be plenty of time for that cheese plate after you've fallen in love with KQZY's proud new addition, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Thank you, thank you very much. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce my lovely producing partner, Roz Doyle. [puts his arm around her] I must say, I'm looking forward to becoming part of the radio landscape here in Spokane.
Frank
[male reporter] Dr. Crane, how do you feel about taking over Neal Sullivan's time slot?
Frasier
I'm sorry, who?
Herm
Nobody, it's just the guy you're replacing.
Cathy
[female reporter] A nobody? He's been a Spokane institution for 30 years.
Herm
Yes, we all saw your column. You know what would make another great column? Dr. Crane went to Harvard and Oxford. Wow.
Frank
No offense, Dr. Crane, but all your degrees aren't going to make us forget about Sully.
Frasier
And I don't intend that they should. I don't want you to forget about anyone. I'm here to help people.
Cathy
Sully helps people. Every Fourth of July, he organizes a group of troubled teens and cleans up all the trash on the riverbanks.
Frank
Will we be seeing you on the Fourth of July?
Herm
[turns to the table] Oh hey, what's this over here? Free liquor?
Frank
Hey, Sully! [all the reporters greet him]
Sully
Hey, guys. Don't let me interrupt. I'm just clearing out a few things from my desk. Wanted to stop by and wish my successor luck.
Frasier
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, Mr. Sullivan. And as someone who has served Spokane so well, your blessing is deeply appreciated.
Sully
Oh, you don't need my blessing. I'm just a simple man with a passion for Spokane in his heart, and a termination notice in his pocket.
Cathy
Sully, will you be listening to Dr. Crane's show tomorrow?
Sully
Not sure, Cathy. I've been going around on that one like the horses on the Looff.
Frasier
I'm sorry, the Looff?
Sully
It's a carousel. But I guess you have to be in the city more than three hours to know that.
Frank
Sully, what are you going to do with your time now?
Sully
Good question, Frank. When my dad retired, he died a month later. Take that any way you like. But, uh... you know what, fellas, you really should be asking Dr. Crane the questions. Anyone needs me, I'll be down the street at Mulligan's, buying rounds. Keep smiling.
Cathy
We'll miss you! Let's hear it for Sully.
Press
[singing] For he's a jolly good fellow...
Daphne
Now, I think we're going to need a smaller drill bit. Where's the chuck key?
Martin
The what?
Daphne
You know, [points behind him] that thing there.
Martin
[holds it up, condescending] The tighten-er.
Daphne
It's called the chuck key.
Martin
Well, maybe in England. Here in the U.S., it doesn't have a specific name.
Daphne
Did you get the wood screws?
Martin
Oh, damn! I forgot to pick them up at the hardware store.
Daphne
Well, don't worry, I'll run out and fetch them.
Martin
[getting his coat] No, it's all right. I'll get them. Why don't you get started on the foot pads?
Daphne
All right. [points] Watch out for the extension cord. [he stops] That's the orange electricity hose.
Martin
I know what it is.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Martin
Hey, Niles. I thought you were busy with an emergency at Northwest.
Niles
I-I was. Actually, I just finished. [points to his lapel] See, this is my guest badge, that has today's date on it? You can't fake that.
Martin
Uh-huh. See you in a half-hour. [leaves]
Niles
All right. [to Daphne] You look adorable. [kisses her] You look like the princess of safety. Look, I'm so sorry for roping you into this.
Daphne
Oh, don't be. Reminds me of when I used to mess about in the garage with my brothers. Used to build all sorts of things. Splints, crutches, peg legs.
Niles
Still, you're very sweet to help Dad out. I don't think I could take his bossiness.
Daphne
Oh, he's not so bad. Could you hand me a rag?
Niles
[looks] Uh... sure. [does] Any interest in sneaking off to your room while the foreman's away?
Daphne
That sounds lovely, but first I have to get these pads on. Can you press on this for a moment?
Niles
Yeah, no problem. [does] Maybe later we'll try out my "Wagner for Lovers" CD.
Daphne
I need another rag.
Niles
Oh, coming up... a rag. [grabs one while keeping one hand on the pad]
Daphne
Could you grab me some sandpaper, too?
Niles
[fumbling] Uh, yeah, sure. Of course.
Daphne
Don't press too tight or the pad will slide.
Niles
Oh.
Daphne
Careful, even pressure. [fixes his hand] Like this.
Niles
Yeah, that's-that's what I'm doing.
Daphne
Well, then why is glue squirting out? I need the rag.
Niles
Okay. [hands it to her] Never said I was good at carpentry.
Daphne
Carpentry? This is gluing felt. Can you hand me the square?
Niles
Ah, yes. [does] Here's the square.
Daphne
No, no, no, [points] that one. Why is the pad hanging off the side?
Niles
Well, I think that it slipped when I was handing you the rags and the sandpaper and the square, and by the way, you're welcome.
Daphne
By the way, still waiting for that sandpaper.
Niles
[straightens up] Okay, let's stop.
Niles
This is as bad as working with Dad.
Daphne
Look, Niles, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to get this done and get it done well. Okay?
Niles
Okay.
Daphne
I love you.
Niles
I love you, too.
Daphne
And yet, I'm still waiting for that sandpaper.
Frasier
You know, this layout doesn't really allow us to do any call screening. Well, I guess you can still just check the sound levels.
Roz
Oh boy, the sound levels? "Dear Diary, after years and years of wishing..."
Frasier
Yes, all right, Roz.
Kenny
Hey, Doc. Everything all right here?
Frasier
Yeah, it's fine.
Roz
But guess who gets to check the sound levels?
Frasier
I said all right, Roz.
Kenny
Just wanted to make sure you're relaxed and ready to go... and haven't read today's paper.
Frasier
I read it. Everything from the adoring salute to Sully, to the cartoon of me and Satan doing a jig on Sully's coffin.
Herm
About that - it might be a good idea to steer clear of any on-air references to Sully.
Frasier
On the contrary, I intend to confront this situation head-on. I intend to reach out to the listeners, ease their suffering, and thereby demonstrate what we do best.
Herm
Now, that's the kind of attitude this station needs. Of course, if your ratings are low, I still have to fire you. [laughs] What a crazy business, huh?
Roz
Ten seconds.
Kenny
Knock 'em dead.
Roz
[whispering] Good luck. [points]
Frasier
Hello, and welcome from Seattle to Spokane, this is the Frasier Crane Radio Network. We are broadcasting today from the Lilac City where we have just replaced a beloved local icon, Neal Sullivan. Now, Sully did a lot for this city and in my own way I hope to make the same kind of contribution that he did. With that in mind, let's go to the phones.
Frasier
Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
Caller 1
[v.o.] Go back to Seattle. [hangs up]
Roz
How was the level on that?
Frasier
Now, now, people, I understand how you might be angry, and there's nothing wrong with venting that feeling, but please stay on the line long enough for me to respond. [presses another button] Go ahead, I'm listening.
Caller 2
[v.o.] Hi, I'm just letting all the Sully fans know we're boycotting KQZY until he comes back.
Frasier
Now people, please, we need to talk. We need to move forward. Otherwise, we're just going to be going around and around like the horses on the Looff!
Frasier
All right, well, you know, perhaps our callers from Seattle could help show the new folds how it's done. [looks at his alternate board] I'm afraid we don't have any calls from Seattle. This is strange. Um... perhaps this would be a good time to go to a commercial break here on the Frasier Crane Radio Network.
Kenny
Hey-hey, you're doing great.
Frasier
I am not, they hate me.
Kenny
Okay, since we're being straight... um, Herm doesn't think it's going very well.
Frasier
Yes, well, where's my support? Where are the callers from Seattle?
Kenny
Seattle isn't getting the signal. [looks at Herm]
Herm
Well, something's obviously screwed up at KACL.
Kenny
Oh, it's not KACL. It's probably that transmitter you bought off the Ukrainian Internet. [exits]
Herm
[follows him out] Hey, 20 minutes ago you were really impressed with that Ukrainian Internet.
Frasier
I'm sure the people of Spokane would just get on board if they could get some understanding of what we actually do. We could use a... like an example. You know, a sample call. [looks at Roz]
Roz
Are you asking me to call in?
Frasier
Roz, please? I tell you what - just make up something, anything at all.
Roz
Okay. Five seconds.
Frasier
Hello, and welcome back to the Frasier Crane Show. We are broadcasting today from KQZY in beautiful Spokane. [Roz holds up four fingers] Let's go to the phones. [presses line four] Hello, caller. I'm listening.
Roz
Hi, Dr. Crane. My name is Ro... berta, and, um... I'm afraid of the dark.
Frasier
What is it about the dark that frightens you?
Roz
Um... I don't know. Um...
Frasier
Often a fear of darkness is a fear of the unknown. It is in darkness where our imaginations give shape to our deepest anxieties. What image comes to mind for you?
Roz
Nothing, actually.
Frasier
[eyes furious] Nothing?
Roz
Yeah, when everything disappears, there's nothing. Just emptiness.
Frasier
I see. And what is it about the emptiness that frightens you?
Roz
It's... lonely, for one thing.
Frasier
Have you always felt this way?
Roz
For a while I didn't.
Frasier
What was different then?
Roz
I had somebody. A guy I really liked. And then we broke up... [breaks down crying] Oh God, Frasier. I miss him so much. I-I don't know how I fell in love again. I mean, I swore I wouldn't. I knew better. I should have known better! And then, sure enough, six months in, he tells me there's no fireworks. And what am I supposed to say? [sobs]
Frasier
I'm so sorry. But listen to me. You can't blame yourself for letting someone into your heart. Love is always a risk. But you have to take it. The pain you're feeling now will pass in time, and you'll find yourself ready to take that risk again. Until then... take comfort in your friends. They want to help you. They love you.
Roz
Yeah, thanks.
Frasier
You're welcome.
Frasier
Okay, Spokane. Let's hear what you have to say. [presses button] Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
Caller 3
[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. I was going to say "you suck" but while the phone was ringing I heard that last caller and I just want to tell her to hang in there.
Frasier
[smiles at Roz] That's very kind of you. [presses another button] Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
Carl
[v.o.] Hi, uh, my name's Carl.
Frasier
Hello, Carl.
Carl
I'm kind of going through the same thing as that Roberta woman.
Frasier
Really? Well, then perhaps you could share your experience with us and possibly help Roberta and some of our other listeners.
Carl
Well, it's hard to talk about. She hasn't technically dumped me yet, but I'm pretty sure it's coming. And I don't know if I should bring it up first, or just avoid the whole subject and hope things get better.
Frasier
Well, Carl, uh... these problems rarely resolve themselves. I realize that an honest conversation at this point may be a little daunting, but...
Daphne
I'm finished! It turned out great.
Daphne
I'm sorry I yelled at you. You were a big help. I couldn't have done it without you.
Martin
You mean it?
Daphne
Absolutely. Come and take a look.
Martin
Oh, that is sharp! Niles, come look at the table.
Niles
[sulky] I like the footpads.