The Guilt Trippers
Aired May 14, 2002 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by Wil Shriner
Skyline
A helicopter rises above the buildings.
Niles
Yay! Did you make a wish, sweetheart?
Gertrude
Of course she did! She wished her father still loved his children enough to call his only daughter on her birthday! [She rises and moves to the couch.] Or his wife. Oh, but that's a man for you. Once he's planted his seed and you've borne his spawn, he moves on to spread his filth elsewhere!
Frasier
[attempting to divert the subject] Sounds like a toast to me! I'll get the champagne.
Martin
I'll just have a beer.
Niles
Oh, I'm not so sure we should introduce alcohol into the situation...
Frasier
Well, Daphne, why don't you open your presents.
Niles
Yes, that's a good idea!
Frasier
Yeah, here, mine and Dad's first.
Frasier
Happy birthday, Daphne!
Daphne
Oh, it's a journal! Oh, it's lovely. Thank you.
Martin
You don't need to say that for my benefit. I wanted to get you one of those robot dogs. You know, something you could really use.
Niles
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Niles.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz
Thank you. Sorry I'm late. [Niles takes her coat.]
Niles
Oh, no, not at all. Daphne's just opening her gifts.
Roz
[rushing to the coffee table] Here's mine!
Daphne
Oh, Roz, you didn't have to get me anything!
Roz
Don't be silly. Happy birthday.
Daphne
Ooh...
Niles
We love it!
Roz
Yes, Roger loved black lace. But he didn't get to see me in it... [recovering] Black lace, I mean. I bought this one for you - new!
Daphne
Thank you, Roz.
Gertrude
Some man break your heart, did he?
Roz
Oh, yeah, but I'll be OK.
Gertrude
Sure you will. Until you realize he was the love of your life and he's gone for good. Then not a night will pass when you don't beg the good Lord to take you in your sleep.
Niles
[with biting sarcasm] We all have those thoughts.
Daphne
[irritated] Niles, can I see you in the kitchen, please?
Niles
[obediently, but poutingly] Yeah.
Roz
What's this?
Martin
Heh-heh. That's what I said. I can tell you what it isn't.
Frasier
Dad, would you let it go?
Daphne
I know she's difficult, but we need to be sensitive with Mum right now.
Niles
"Difficult?" I yearn for the days of Difficult. Difficult was a picnic. I keep a picture of Difficult in a heart- shaped frame next to my bed. Difficult was a...
Daphne
[cutting him off] All right, Niles, I know! But it's harder for her now. I think she's finally realizing that Dad's not coming back. I guess I am too.
Niles
[sympathetically] I'm sorry. I will be more patient with her.
Daphne
Thank you, Niles.
Gertrude
[to Roz] And if you do it right, he'll bleed from the inside and no one will know it was you.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne! I think there's still an unopened gift left for you.
Martin
There's an unopened gift for me in the fridge. [Rising, to Niles] Try and stop me!
Niles
Daphne. [Handing her his gift.] Happy birthday, darling!
Daphne
[excitedly] Oh, Niles, it's a trip!
Niles
This weekend. You and I are jetting off to Hawaii for a five-star Polynesian retreat.
Daphne
Oh, how exciting! Oh, thank you. [They kiss.]
Niles
The first day, we are being taken by outrigger to an exclusive island for a private luau.
Roz
Roger and I were supposed to go back to Wisconsin this weekend for my family reunion.
Niles
Oh, that's lovely! [eager, barely noticing Roz] And the second day, we're going to take a cruise to Molokai.
Roz
Of course, you can't go to Wisconsin without taking a couple of cheese tours.
Niles
[completely missing the point] Well, you sure can't, no. And then we're in Molokai, we're going to go snorkeling with the sea tortoise.
Roz
And then, the Dells - Roger really wanted to ride one of those big duck boats.
Gertrude
[gets up] I've heard enough. All these lovey-dovey stories about traveling and romance. And then you with your birthday! Can't you all see that I'm hurting? I can't hide it anymore!
Niles
What are you doing?
Daphne
I want to change my wish.
Roz
I started the dishwasher.
Frasier
Thanks, Roz, I'll see you tomorrow.
Roz
Do you want me to run the vacuum cleaner?
Frasier
No thanks, I can do it in the morning.
Roz
Are you sure? I mean, it would just take a second.
Frasier
You don't want to go home, do you?
Roz
Not really. Alice is in Wisconsin with her grandmother, and it's just hard to face an empty house.
Frasier
Well, I'll tell you what, Roz. Why don't you sit down and we'll shoot the breeze for a while.
Roz
And when I think about this trip to Wisconsin, I just dread going without Roger. My family thinks I'm a total loser as it is. Now I'm just going to prove them right. "Roz is a failure at love." "Roz can't find a man."
Frasier
They don't really say that, do they?
Roz
Oh, you haven't met my perfect sister, Denise. I mean, I love her and everything, but she's a total bitch.
Frasier
Well, you know, I-I could go with you.
Roz
What?
Frasier
Sure, for moral support.
Roz
Frasier, is that how you want to spend your vacation?
Frasier
I don't know. It just might be the perfect time for me to see a giant duck and a lot of cheese.
Roz
Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier
You want to watch some TV, maybe we can find a good movie?
Roz
Yeah! [Frasier turns on the TV.] Yeah, ever since this whole Roger thing happened, you've really come through for me. It means a lot. Why can't more men be like you? I mean, you are exactly what women are looking for.
Frasier
Yeah. Women I date don't seem to know that.
Roz
Some women don't know what's good for them.
Frasier
[dejectedly] Terrific. I'm the broccoli of dating.
Frasier
[uneasily] Morning.
Roz
[quickly, shouting] Morning!
Frasier
Can I get you some coffee?
Roz
[from the bathroom] I would love to stay, but no. I've really got to run. I got the tile guy coming.
Frasier
[struggling for words] Right. So this is a little strange, huh?
Roz
Yeah, it is. But good strange!
Frasier
Yeah.
Roz
You know. Tile guy. [She returns the sheet to the bed.]
Frasier
Right, yeah, I'll get up.
Roz
No!
Roz
Okay. I really have to go. I'll see you at work.
Frasier
Roz, you okay?
Roz
Everything's super!
Frasier
Maybe we should talk about this.
Roz
And we will! Just not right now, 'cause I'm really late. You know, I mean for the tile guy.
Frasier
Let me walk you out.
Frasier
Roz, maybe we could have dinner later.
Roz
Okay, and we can talk then. I mean, not that I really need to talk because I'm fine. Unless you're not fine.
Frasier
No, no, I'm fine. A little strange, though, huh?
Roz
Yeah, but good strange!
Martin
[heard from the kitchen] Damn it, Eddie, just because I dropped something it doesn't make it yours!
Frasier
God, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done?
Martin
[entering] Morning, Fras.
Frasier
[recovering, casually] Morning, Dad.
Martin
You see the paper yet?
Frasier
Uh, no I haven't.
Martin
Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table.
Frasier
It's not what it looks like.
Martin
I know that.
Frasier
Oh, what do you mean "you know that?" Shows what you know, it's exactly what it looks like!
Martin
Oh, I knew that!
Frasier
Well, anyway, it's none of your business, so I'm not discussing it with you. [then] Oh, Dad, I've done a terrible thing.
Martin
Oh, geez, what happened? And don't tell me too much.
Frasier
Well, I-I don't even know how this happened. She was lonely. She probably thinks I took advantage of her, I mean, that's why she ran out of here. Do you think I did?
Martin
Fras, you're both adults. Where's the harm?
Frasier
Well, you can't be serious, Dad! I mean, do you realize what this means? I have probably destroyed our friendship. Do you know what she'll see every time she looks at me?
Martin
Your naked body.
Frasier
Oh, dear God! I was going to say "someone who's betrayed her trust," but oh, dear God!
Martin
Now, Frasier, don't get all worked up. When are you supposed to see her next?
Frasier
We're meeting for dinner tonight.
Martin
So everything's normal. You're going to feel weird and stupid for a while, and then you'll have a big laugh about it and move on.
Frasier
Yeah, you-you're probably right. I mean, we're adults. We can discuss this. We're going to be fine. Well, we'd better be. I told her I'd go to Wisconsin with her.
Martin
Wow, you really were lonely.
Daphne
I want to go on this trip as much as you do, but we can't leave Mum alone for a week right now. She seems unbalanced.
Niles
[helping her off with her jacket] Well, well, maybe she could stay here with Frasier and Dad.
Frasier
[reacting quickly and excitedly] Whoa! Whoa! What are we talking about?
Daphne
It's Mum again. She's been crying non-stop since we left here last night.
Martin
Sounds like a job for the prescription pad, Niles.
Daphne
I can't even get Dad on the phone. He doesn't even know I'm engaged. I guess I can forget about him walking me down the aisle.
Frasier
Hello? Roz, hi.
Frasier
Yeah, hang on one sec.
Niles
Daphne, I have a solution. I want you to use those tickets and take your mother to Hawaii.
Daphne
Are you out of your mind?
Niles
No, no, no, we are going to have a lifetime of romantic trips, but right now what's important is taking care of your mom. Like you said, she's fragile.
Daphne
Niles, that's very thoughtful, but I don't want to go to Hawaii with my Mom. I want to go with you.
Niles
Just hear me out!
Martin
Are you really going to let that old bat manipulate you out of a trip to Hawaii?
Niles
Dad, I have a plan.
Martin
Niles, you're a sucker. You know Mrs. Moon's so-called knee injury? Well, last night I noticed her limping on the wrong leg.
Niles
I know. She switches.
Martin
How's Roz?
Frasier
She's fleeing the city, thank you.
Martin
Oh, come on!
Frasier
She's going to Wisconsin without me. She's leaving immediately. I told you this was going to happen. Our friendship is in ruins.
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
What do you mean, "yeah?"
Martin
Well, I kind of thought that might happen. I was just trying to make you feel better.
Niles
Now remember, when you arrive, a car will be waiting to take you to the Nanehalaka Ha'e Alahe House.
Gertrude
I don't know why we can't go somewhere where they speak English!
Daphne
They do speak English in Hawaii, Mum.
Martin
[smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England?
Gertrude
How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry?
Martin
[biting his tongue] Have a good trip.
Daphne
Thank you again Niles. [They kiss.] I love you.
Niles
I love you too. I wish I could walk you to the gate, but security...
Gertrude
Yeah, well, we'd better hurry if we're going to pass Customs.
Daphne
[exasperated and weary] It's the same country, Mum. [to Niles] I'm going to miss you so much!
Niles
Oh, God, I know. [They kiss again.]
Frasier
[sarcastically] Well, that's going to be a good time.
Niles
I do feel a little guilty, but it's for a greater good.
Martin
Where to, Niles?
Niles
Virgin Atlantic. It's right there.
Frasier
What's this? You're going somewhere?
Niles
England. I'm going to find Daphne's father and bring him back here if I have to check every pub in Manchester.
Frasier
You can't be serious.
Martin
"I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the basket and my cane at the same time." That's what I should have said!
Niles
Daphne wants to get her parents back together. I'm going to try to make that happen. At the very least, he's going to walk her down that aisle. It'll be the biggest surprise anyone ever gave her.
Frasier
It's a beautiful gesture, Niles.
Martin
Bye.
Frasier
Why didn't you tell me he was going to England?
Martin
Same reason I didn't tell him you were going to Wisconsin. Which way?
Frasier
Oh, right. [checks his ticket] Concourse "B."
Martin
You think this is a smart plan, surprising Roz in front of her family?
Frasier
Well, what else would you suggest I do, Dad? I couldn't reach her by phone. Roz and I have got to talk before this turns into a permanent divide in our friendship.
Martin
Okay, but you know what she's going to see when she looks at you.
Frasier
Yes, yes, I know, my naked body. I'll have you know there are worse states...
Martin
All right, just stop this! I've got enough horror shows in my head. Here we are.
Frasier
Thank you. Oh, by the way, Dad. I got you a little something to keep you company while I'm away.
Martin
Oh, no way! The robot dog! Thanks, son.
Frasier
Sure.
Martin
Oh, good, you got the girl one so it won't fight with Eddie.
Frasier
[wearily] Dad, it's not a girl. That's where the batteries go.
Frasier
Hi, um, I'm looking for Roz Doyle.
Denise
Oh, well, she's out shopping with her cousin right now, but come in! I'm her sister, Denise.
Frasier
Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Denise
Oh, likewise. All we've been hearing is "Roger this" and Roger that," but we've seen no Roger. We were beginning to think that you didn't really exist.
Frasier
I'm afraid you've made a mistake, you see...
Denise
Well, obviously we did, but you can't blame us. It wouldn't be the first time that she's made up a boyfriend. We've really been having a lot of fun with her.
Denise
Oh, honey, look. Roger is here. There really is one!
Craig
Well, I'll be a son of a gun. Good to know you. Craig Dawson, Met-Life.
Frasier
[shaking hands] Hi, Roger... Hammerstein!
Denise
Well, come on in and meet everyone.
Frasier
Oh, thank you.
Denise
Roger, this is Aunt Pearl and Cousin Curtis, and Great Uncle Olaf.
Craig
Well, honey, it looks like you owe Roz an apology.
Denise
Oh, now, she knows I was just teasing her. I'm just relieved that she's finally found someone. We just want her to have the kind of happiness that we've found.
Frasier
Well, you know, I intend to do everything in my power to give her just that. I love Roz, and I intend to prove it to her. That's why I've come.
Roz
Oh my God, what's going on?
Frasier
[surprised and embarrassed] Roz...
Denise
Roger, can Craig fix you a drink?
Roz
[pausing] Roger?
Frasier
Yeah, sweetheart, hi! [He moves to embrace Roz.] I'd love that drink. [kisses her]
Denise
Well, well, well. It looks like you've really made an impression on Roger here, Roz.
Roz
Yeah.
Denise
How did you two meet again?
Frasier
Oh, gosh, well, it's the cutest story. Oh, come on, honey, sit down.
Frasier
Um, it all started when... Alice used to wave at me when I was driving my trash-collecting truck.
Denise
Oh, well, I guess Alice is sure going to be happy to see you again.
Frasier
[off Roz's look] Oh, well, you know, it's funny, as well as Alice and I get along, she always mistakes me for Roz's boss. It's weird, isn't it?
Roz
Oh, yeah!
Craig
Here we are.
Frasier
Thank you.
Craig
So Roger, I hear you're a big golfer. What do you shoot?
Frasier
Well, you know, actually, since I've met Roz, I don't get much time for golf.
Denise
Well, don't get too used to that, Roz. I've been a golf widow ever since I've been married. It's like a disease with them.
Frasier
Well, maybe with most men, but not with me. I mean, my spare time is precious, so I like to spend it with the people that I love, like Roz and Alice, and who knows, maybe someday some more little ones.
Frasier
Especially if they look like this here.
Roz
Oh, my... I hated that picture. Big ugly glasses and... I guess I was trying to look like Dorothy Hamil.
Denise
We warned you not to get that haircut, but you insisted.
Frasier
You know, if I'd met this girl in the fifth grade, I wouldn't have dated anybody else. Gosh, can I get a copy of this for my desk at work?
Denise
You have a desk?
Frasier
Dashboard.
Martin
Yeah, I looked at the "getting started" section. Yeah, I did that. Voice activation? Yeah, I did everything it said.
Martin
"Appendix B?" Where is Appendix B? I just want this damn thing to do some tricks.
Martin
Can't you make this easier? You know, you shouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to play with some stupid toy. [Eddie barks and the dog stands upright again.] Eddie, be quiet, I'm on the phone.
Frasier
So this one's getting tired. She wants to turn around and head back up the beach, when finally she sees the blanket surrounded by candles, and the food and the wine that I had set up.
Roz
[enjoying this greatly] And don't forget the diamond bracelet you gave me.
Craig
I had no idea there was that kind of money in the garbage business.
Denise
[bitingly, but retaining her grin] You have no idea about a lot of things.
Craig
What's that supposed to mean?
Denise
Well, why can't you be more like him and do something special for me once in a while?
Craig
[imitating her grin] Why can't you be like her and not be such a nag?
Roz
[ecstatic] That was the best half hour I have ever spent with my family! Thank you! But what are you doing here?
Frasier
I just had to make sure we were okay.
Roz
I told you we were okay.
Frasier
Yeah, I know, and then you ran away.
Roz
I know, I should have stayed and talked to you. It's just, usually when I'm freaked out I turn to you, and this time I just didn't feel like I could.
Frasier
I'm so sorry.
Roz
For what?
Frasier
For that. For that evening. You were vulnerable, and I feel like I took advantage of you.
Roz
Oh, Frasier, I'm a grownup, and I make my own decisions. I was just worried that... well, over the years, we've almost gone to bed a couple of times, and we haven't because we were afraid it would damage our friendship.
Frasier
Now we've done it.
Roz
Right. I was just worried that things would change between us.
Frasier
That's what I came here to ask you.
Roz
I remember the last time I sat here. Just like this. My old high school boyfriend sat right where you are, and told me that he had been accepted into college in Boston.
Frasier
Hmm.
Roz
And I just stared at his shoelaces. I was afraid I would cry if I looked anywhere else, you know? Anyway, we promised that we would always be friends. It was just the saddest thing in the world because I knew it wasn't true.
Frasier
[emotionally, clearly worried] And this time?
Roz
Oh, we'll always be friends, Frasier. Nothing's going to ever change that.
Roz
I can't believe you traveled all this way.
Frasier
Well, that's what people do when they care about someone.
Niles
Excuse me. Do you know a man named Harry Moon - and no, that is not the start of a limerick.
Niles
Mr. Moon?
Harry
Who's asking?
Niles
My name is Niles Crane. I'm planning to marry your daughter.
Harry
You look okay to me. All right, you have my blessing.
Niles
Thank you, but actually, I'm here to reunite you with your wife.
Niles
Oh, Mr. Moon... Mr. Moon...