Moons Over Seattle

Niles

Mr. Moon?

Harry

You again! Didn't I toss you out of here last night?

Niles

Six times. But if you'll just give me a minute to...

Harry

[rising] Gentlemen, this lad has traveled all the way from America to reunite me with my wife.

Niles

[loudly] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You never gave me a chance to buy a round of drinks!

Harry

All right, the usual, Ray. Start talking. You got one pint.

Niles

Mr. Moon, a great man once wrote that "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference."

Harry

Done. Get out!

Niles

Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, your wife, your wife is miserable without you. I think you should give her a second chance. After all, you were married for forty years.

Harry

Forty years too long! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work.

Niles

Sorry.

Harry

Hallo, aren't you a pretty thing? Fancy a roll in the hay?

Man

No one talks to my woman that way!

Man

[to his girlfriend] Let's go!

Man

Here's a tenner, Harry. Hope I didn't hurt you.

Harry

All in the line of duty. Good luck to you, she's a nice bit of skirt.

Man

Ta.

Harry

Same again, Ray.

Niles

What was that?

Harry

My job. I let lads give me a thumpin' to impress their dates. I tell you it's a cake walk compared to being married to Gertrude. At least when these lads hit me, they hold something back.

Niles

Mr. Moon, you wouldn't recognize your wife. She's mellowed.

Harry

You're wasting your breath.

Niles

All right, all right, forget about your wife for a minute. Think about your daughter. She's heartbroken.

Harry

My Daphne?

Niles

Yes, yes, the separation is tearing her apart. If you care about her, come back to Seattle with me and talk to your wife. If you don't patch things up, at least your only daughter will know you cared enough to try.

Harry

Well, you know, I'd love to see my baby girl again. But I can't afford to travel across the Atlantic whenever I please.

Niles

Oh, I would pay for the ticket, of course.

Harry

I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!

Niles

I insist!

Harry

All right. For Daphne. You know, you're lucky you caught me on a light work week. Oh, here's my two o'clock now.

Harry

Hallo. Aren't you a pretty thing?

Frasier

Mind if I join you, Roz?

Roz

Oh, please. You can help me kill some time. Roger's picking up his things from my apartment and I don't want to run into him.

Frasier

[sitting] Ah. Afraid you'll fight?

Roz

Worse. I'm afraid we'll end up in bed. I don't know, there's something about him that is irresistible.

Frasier

I understand.

Roz

Trust me, you don't. Roger is the best lover I've ever been with.

Roz

Oh, my God, what am I saying? You were great too!

Frasier

Roz, really, there's no need to do this.

Roz

It's just that I forgot and, well, technically it wasn't really sex because it was you, but whatever it was, it was great!

Frasier

Roz, please, there's no need to discuss it.

Roz

I was one satisfied customer.

Frasier

Glad to hear it.

Roz

Oh, here, let's pretend this comment card is about you.

Frasier

Roz, please, there is no need to do that. All right, if you insist. Just remember that it was late at night and I am really more of a morning person.

Roz

[handing it to him] Here you go.

Frasier

Let's see. High marks for courtesy and neatness of appearance, that's good. You were served in a prompt and timely manner.

Roz

Absolutely.

Frasier

Now, I see here that you're not planning a return visit.

Roz

Only because we agreed. I mean, as you can see, I will highly recommend you to friends and family members.

Frasier

Well, that was very kind of you, Roz, thank you. Would you like me to fill one out for you?

Roz

No. I think you made your opinion clear when you screamed "Outstanding!"

Harry

Oh, thanks for a tour of your city, lads. Now, where's your loo? I need to splash me boots.

Niles

It's just an expression. Or so I've chosen to believe.

Frasier

Niles, are you and Daphne planning on having children?

Niles

Someday, why?

Frasier

No reason.

Niles

Now, all I have to do is stash Mr. Moon at my place, pick up Daphne and her mom at the airport, then get them all together, and lay the groundwork for a reconciliation.

Martin

Hey, guys.

Frasier

Oh, hi, Dad. How was work?

Martin

Great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Buttes" on the sign-out sheets.

Frasier

So, who was it?

Martin

Senior Vice-President Buttes. I'm on probation for a week.

Harry

Good God, you American police are persistent. [He pulls something from his pocket.] I suppose you're looking for this.

Martin

[taking it, confused] A Space Needle snow globe?

Harry

I meant to pay for it. I put it in me pocket, but between there and the register, I forgot about it. Why don't you take it back?

Niles

Mr. Moon, I think you're mistaken. This is our father, he works as a security guard.

Martin

Yeah, Marty Crane. How do you do?

Harry

Oh, Harold Moon.

Martin

Oh yeah, you did a terrific job bringing up your daughter.

Harry

Well, you know, you do your best. I'll be needing that back, then.

Frasier

[rising] Harry, let me get you a beer.

Harry

Oh, get a man a beer, he drinks for five minutes; teach 'im where they are, he drinks all day.

Niles

Oh, Dad, Dad, I need you to do me a favor. Mr. Moon is a little bit reluctant about getting back together with his wife.

Martin

Huh, can you blame him?

Niles

It occurs to me, there's no woman so attractive than the one some other guy seems to be attracted to. So...

Martin

No way!

Niles

But-but-but-but... it would mean a lot to Daphne. And, it'll get Mrs. Moon out of the country.

Martin

Well, if it means a lot to Daphne.

Martin

Well, she's a hell of a woman, your Gertrude. I don't blame you for comin' over here to fight for her.

Harry

Really? What's so great about her?

Martin

Well, you know. I mean, like I have to tell you... The whole package. She's got... hair... skin... Et cetera. And she's a good little drinker.

Niles

Dad, Dad, why just last week you were commenting on her twinkly eyes and her sunny smile.

Martin

Definitely. Yes, I was. Yeah they sure don't make women like that in America. [to Eddie] Come on, boy.

Harry

Wait a minute. I think I know what's goin' on here. The dog, the cane... He's lost his vision, hasn't he?

Gertrude

And then, she drags me to another luau. Where I come from, you bury a dead pig because it's diseased, not because you're going to dig it up and eat it.

Niles

Yes, well, Hawaii's not for everyone. Things may be looking up. I have a surprise.

Daphne

Oh, a surprise. I hope it's not another trip, darling, or I might just have to kill you in your sleep.

Harry

Niles, good news! Our feet are the same size!

Daphne

Daddy! I knew you'd come!

Harry

Hello, Stilts! Ah, give your old dad a kiss!

Daphne

Mum, look who's here, all the way from England!

Harry

Hallo, Gert.

Gertrude

"Hallo, Gert"? That's all you have to say for yourself? For forty years I've been a good wife to you, raising your children and boiling your meals and letting you work off your animal lusts and all I get for my trouble is a cheery "Hallo, Gert"?! Well your fatal charm is not going to work this time, so you can just drag your sorry arse back to that barstool it normally sags over and leave me the hell alone!

Gertrude

[cheerily] Thank you, Niles, that was a nice surprise.

Harry

You're right. She has mellowed.

Daphne

See? And I'm sure if you just give her a little more time, everything will work out.

Harry

I gave it me best shot. I'm going to go pack.

Daphne

Daddy...

Daphne

I don't understand. He came all this way and he's just going to give up?

Niles

Well, actually, he didn't even want to come. I sort of... flew to England and persuaded him.

Daphne

You what?

Niles

I wanted to surprise you.

Daphne

How could you do this without talking to me first?

Niles

That would've spoiled the surprise?

Daphne

Niles, I could have flown to England and talked to him, too, but I didn't because I know my parents. When they fight they need time apart to miss each other. And you would have known that had you consulted me first!

Harry

I'm off.

Niles

Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, wait. Just stay one more day and spend a little more time with your daughter. I'll put you up in a hotel.

Harry

I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!

Daphne

I'm sorry I yelled at you last night.

Niles

No, no, I'm sorry. I, I was thinking about it, you were absolutely right. We're a team now and bringing your dad back should have been our joint decision.

Daphne

Thanks for understanding. Anyway, what's done is done. Mum's taken her claws out of the ceiling and Dad's headed back to England.

Niles

Actually, I convinced him to stay an extra day. I thought I should tell you since we're a team.

Daphne

You what?

Niles

Well, I thought you'd want to spend more time with him, plus, since they're both in the same city, we can get them together tonight.

Niles

Or not. We're a team! Totally up to you.

Daphne

I don't know, maybe we should let them work it out for themselves.

Niles

Yeah, or on the other hand maybe our love will inspire them and come October, they'll be dancing at our wedding.

Daphne

That would be wonderful.

Frasier

Oh, hi, Niles.

Niles

Hey, Frasier, listen: Daphne and I are taking her parents out to dinner tonight. Can you get a reservation at Chez Henri?

Frasier

Chez Henri? Niles, they're booked up months in advance.

Niles

Well, I know that I wouldn't stand a chance, but I was hoping if I cloaked myself in the mantle your greater renown...

Frasier

You should know better than that, Niles, I am NOT susceptible to flattery.

Niles

I know that. You're the most grounded, down-to-earth person I know.

Frasier

Thank you. I'll make a call.

Niles

Hey, Roz.

Roz

Oh, hey, Niles.

Roz

Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, Roz. I wanted to talk to you about this.

Roz

Oh, my God, you still have that?

Frasier

Yes, well, I was glancing at it. I couldn't help but notice the overall score you gave me: out of a possible five cups of coffee, it was a four.

Roz

Yeah, that's a good score.

Frasier

It's a fine score. But it occurs to me that this presents an opportunity for me to learn something about my performance that might... benefit me. So, what might I have done to earn that elusive fifth cup?

Roz

Oh, I'm a tough grader. No one's a five-cupper.

Frasier

Nonetheless, there is a theoretical fifth cup out there. Now, I'm going to put ego aside, this is all about self- improvement. My commitment to "sexcellence" if you will.

Roz

You just lost a cup.

Frasier

Oh, please Roz?

Roz

All right. Um, you know that thing you did at the end?

Frasier

At the very end?

Roz

Just before.

Frasier

I know exactly what you mean.

Roz

I coulda done without that.

Frasier

Really? You didn't like that. Well maybe that's just your taste.

Roz

No.

Frasier

'Cause I've received high kudos for that in the past.

Roz

Look, don't take it personally. It would have been impossible for either one of us to get a perfect score that night, given the circumstances. We were both tentative, and more than a little vulnerable.

Frasier

That's true.

Roz

And it was tough to concentrate with the TV blaring away in your dad's bedroom.

Frasier

I didn't hear that.

Roz

Don't you remember? Sting was on Letterman. He was talking about the rain forest and the plight of the Yanomama Indians. It was really sad. I mean, the whole Orinoco River Valley is being forested into extinction.

Frasier

Well... I'm glad my woefully inadequate performance didn't distract you from your ecology lesson. Did Sting happen to mention anything about you shaving your legs? Because that's a rain forest that could use some pruning!

Roz

Frasier! That is exactly why I didn't want to do this! Forget it.

Roz

You know, you're a very good kisser.

Frasier

No, I'm not. You are, I'm not.

Roz

Yes, you are. Do I need to fill out another card?

Frasier

Oh, please! [his expression turns hopeful] Would you?

Henri

We have some magnificent specials this evening.

Gertrude

[as they sit] Just so you know, Henry, I won't eat frogs, snails, slugs or eels. And don't try slippin' 'em under the sauce. I'm on to you people.

Henri

I shall repeat this to the chef and I'm sure some other delightful surprise will find its way onto your plate.

Niles

Isn't this lovely? Candlelight, romantic music. Must take you back to the days of your courtship. Where did you two meet?

Harry

At a soccer riot. She stopped a Spanish bloke from smashin' a chair over me head.

Gertrude

He wasn't Spanish, he was Portuguese.

Harry

I believe he was Spanish.

Gertrude

Well I believe I know the difference between a bloody Spaniard and a bloody Portuguese!

Niles

Okay, okay, moving on... Your first date?

Harry

She had me over for dinner.

Gertrude

Oh, do you remember, I cooked you bubble and squeak.

Harry

And then we went out, got squiffy and half starkers and snogged behind the chippy.

Niles

You lost me after the word "dinner," but the language of love is universal.

Gertrude

Listen, we had some good times back then, hey?

Harry

Oh, you should have seen her, Daphne, she was a real firecracker.

Daphne

[to Niles] Maybe we should order some champagne.

Niles

Actually, I brought a very special bottle from home. It's in the car. [getting up] You two, you just keep reminiscing, I'll be right back.

Niles

Hello, lovely dog.

Gertrude

Take that back!

Harry

I will not!

Daphne

Mummy, Daddy, please!

Niles

What happened to snogging behind the chippy?

Gertrude

Get out of my country!

Harry

I can't leave soon enough!

Harry

You're Martin Crane's problem now.

Gertrude

What?

Harry

Did you think I wouldn't find out about your little fancy man? He says he can't stop thinkin' about ya!

Gertrude

Well, that's because he knows a good thing when he sees it!

Harry

He can't see anything!

Gertrude

Take me home, Daphne. I've had enough of this horrid man!

Niles

Wait! Now that the lines of communication are open...

Daphne

Oh, leave it alone Niles! Come on, Mum....

Martin

No, Gertrude, I never said I had a thing for you... No, I'm not playing hard to get... Yes, I guess if I was playing hard to get, I'd say that I wasn't, but I'm not.

Frasier

Henri, you can't ban me from your bistro! It's my chez away from chez! ...Very well. Goodbye, Henri.

Martin

Goodbye, Gertrude.

Martin

Great, I cheated death in Korea for this!

Niles

Hello.

Frasier

[darkly] Hello.

Niles

I see word travels fast.

Harry

Is Daphne here?

Martin

No, she's not back from taking her mother home.

Harry

Oh, well... I was hoping to see her before I left. I guess I'll leave her a note, then.

Niles

Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.

Harry

Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.

Frasier

Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out.

Martin

Well, she can't say you didn't try.

Niles

Hello.

Daphne

Hello.

Frasier

Well, uh, Dad, why don't we go into your bedroom? I want to show you how to use the closed captioning on your TV so you won't have to have it up so loud at night.

Martin

Yeah, sure.

Niles

Your dad's here in your room, leaving you a note. How's your mom?

Daphne

[sitting on the couch] Apparently there's nothing left for her in England, so she's thinking about putting down roots here.

Niles

Daphne, from the bottom of my heart...

Daphne

Niles, it's been a very trying day. Could we talk about this later? I'll drive Daddy to the airport.

Niles

I'll move his suitcase to your car.

Harry

There you are. Well, back to England, then.

Daphne

Yes. No chance of you and Mum getting back together?

Harry

Don't think so, love. Not this time.

Daphne

Maybe if you give it another chance. You could...

Harry

Daphne - I'm sorry. It's over. Has been for a long time! I mean, I've got no complaints, I got something wonderful out of it: you!

Daphne

If you don't love each other, why did you stay together for forty years? Through all the fighting and the screaming and the hitting?

Harry

That was for you kids.

Daphne

I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, maybe I'm naive, but I always thought love would save the day.

Harry

Well, you know, we all think that when we're young. But then life beats us around a bit and you learn to dream a little smaller.

Daphne

So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.

Harry

But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.

Daphne

You barely know him.

Harry

Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy. I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell ya, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing: [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.

Daphne

Dad!

Harry

Oh, sweetie...

Daphne

I want to marry you!

Niles

I want to marry you!

Daphne

No, I want to marry you NOW!

Niles

As in... now?

Daphne

Yes!

Niles

Why?

Daphne

Why? Because you'd do anything, even put up with my insane family, to make me happy. Because you'd travel halfway around the world to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones. And because I can't spend one more minute without being your wife, Niles Crane. Because I adore you.

Niles

But... I thought you always wanted a big wedding.

Daphne

Do you want to make my dreams come true? This is my dream.