The First Temptation of Daphne
Aired 2nd October 2001 · Written by Gayle Abrams · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Daphne
Hey!
Martin
[grumbling] Thanks, Daph.
Niles
He-hey, Dad!
Martin
Hey, boy. You missed me, huh?
Daphne
So, how was your trip, Mr. Crane?
Martin
Oh, the hunting was awful. I didn't bag a damned thing. [hangs up his coat] Duke and I sat there for two days just waiting for something to happen. It's like when Frasier took me to see "Nicholas Nickleby." Thank God this time I had a gun!
Niles
Dinner is almost ready. Shall I set you a place or would it make you feel better to go out and shoot your own eggplant?
Frasier
Dad, what have I told you about bivouacking in the entrance way?
Martin
I'm sorry.
Frasier
Well, how was your hunting trip?
Martin
Oh, came home empty-handed.
Frasier
Oh, dear. I guess that means for the next several weeks we'll hear you grouse about the grouse and carp about the carp. [laughs at his own joke as he carries Martin's bags over to the hallway]
Niles
You've been working on that, haven't you?
Frasier
Well, there was traffic!
Niles
Oh, Daphne - I have to take the roast out of the oven. I need the recipe for the glaze. Could you get it? It's in my briefcase; in the "Burnt Sienna" colored folder.
Daphne
No problem.
Martin
Brown. But don't tell anyone I know that.
Frasier
Dad - sorry to hear your trip was a bust.
Martin
Oh, it's all right, it wasn't so bad. You know, the worst day of hunting still beats the best day of working.
Frasier
You don't work either!
Martin
You don't think it's work talking to you? Duke, on the other hand, is a lot of fun. You know he can fit twenty- seven marshmallows into his mouth at one time.
Frasier
What was that?
Martin
What was what?
Frasier
That! That's a cricket.
Martin
How did that get in here?
Frasier
It must have stowed away in your gear, get rid of it!
Martin
Oh, don't worry - Eddie'll take care of it. Terriers are born hunters. [puts him down] Go get him, boy.
Daphne
So.... This woman is in love with you.
Niles
[concentrating on the roast] What?
Daphne
Heather Murphy. Says right here she's obsessed with you.
Niles
[realizing] Oh, wrong file - you're not supposed to look at that.
Daphne
Yeah, I can see why. And when were you planning on telling me about this?
Niles
[out of pure honesty] Em, never. [taking the files] These are session notes, they're confidential.
Daphne
But she is in love with you?
Niles
First of all I can't discuss the woman in this file... which, by the way, is clearly umber and not "Burnt Sienna!" I can tell you that it's very common for patients to displace feelings they have for someone else onto their psychiatrist. It's called transference. So even if a patient thinks she might be in love with me, she really isn't. And usually those feelings disappear as therapy progresses. Okay?
Daphne
Okay.
Daphne
So how did she tell you? Did she come on to you? Did she try and kiss you?
Niles
I can't tell you.
Daphne
All right. I understand. Your little secret.
Daphne
Just blink. Once for yes and twice for no.
Frasier
I think it's coming from in here.
Niles
What?
Frasier
Dad has brought home a cricket!
Niles
[genuine fear] A cricket?! Get behind me, Daphne.
Frasier
Everybody freeze! Don't-move-a-muscle.
Frasier
Well, I hope that cricket saw what I just did to this toasted almond!
Frasier
I tell you, Roz, it was the worst night of my life. Just as I begin to doze off, the damned cricket would start strigilating again. Honestly, have you any idea what it's like to be awaken intermittently throughout an entire night?!
Roz
I have a three-year-old, I can't remember the last time I slept through a night.
Frasier
Yes, of course, but this constant chirping and chirping, over and over — really, you can't imagine it.
Roz
Really? Did the cricket crawl into bed with you? Did the cricket throw up on you?
Frasier
Gee, I wish I had a three-year-old so I could win every argument!
Roz
Hey, Daphne.
Daphne
Hey, Roz.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Daph.
Daphne
Dr. Crane. [sits with them] Oh, that scone looks good.
Frasier
Yes, well, it's all right. They call it "Nervosa Berry," but I'm convinced it's just yesterday's banana. I have half a mind to have a discussion with someone about it.
Daphne
[agreeable] You should. [here's the reason why] So what do you know about transference?
Frasier
Hm? Oh, more than most.
Daphne
Is it true that patients can actually fall in love with their therapists?
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes, as a matter of fact it's quite common. You see, in a therapeutic setting a doctor's empathy can be misconstrued as romantic interest, especially when the patient is of a particularly vulnerable nature.
Daphne
But therapists never return those feelings, right?
Frasier
[contemplating, perhaps with Diane in mind] Well, they're not supposed to. But it does happen. Eh, well, I mean, think about it, really, it's... we are human. Transference can be very, very powerful. I remember back in my days of private practice, uh, I did have my share of female adulation.
Roz
Oh my God, were you able to cure them?
Frasier
[gives her a look] I'm not a miracle worker, Roz!
Roz
Do you smell bananas?
Frasier
I knew it! You smell it too! [to a passing waiter] Excuse me. This day-old scone is fooling no-one. [the waiter passes, Frasier stands in anger] Don't you walk away from me. Don't you dare walk away from me.
Roz
Okay, so who is she?
Daphne
Who's who?
Roz
Niles' patient?
Daphne
All right. I saw one of his files by mistake. The woman is madly in love with him.
Roz
So who is she?
Daphne
Her name is Heather Murphy.
Roz
Heather, huh? That's trouble. What else do you know?
Daphne
That's it. I only got a quick look at the files.
Roz
So what are you going to do?
Daphne
Nothing. Niles said he can't talk about his patients. So, what choice do I have? I should trust him.
Roz
If I found out some babe was after my guy I would have to know everything about her. What she looks like, her profession, what she's being treated for.
Daphne
Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Roz
What if she's a sex addict?
Daphne
You can be treated for that?
Roz
[cynical] So they say.
Frasier
[unsuccessful] Damn it!
Martin
Oh, geez, are you still at it? Why don't you go in your room? You won't even hear the thing if you close the door.
Frasier
Close my door?! And just concede defeat. I know, here's a better idea: I'll just move out and let him have the run of the place! That's good, I'll have two apartments; One for me, one for my cricket! [off Martin's look] I tried closing my door, I can still hear it.
Frasier
Dear God, can't you make him shut up?!
Martin
That prayer doesn't get answered around here!
Frasier
This is your fault! You're the one who brought him here.
Martin
[sits] What's the big deal? If you were paying a ton of money to stay in some country inn, you'd be loving the sound of crickets.
Frasier
Yes, well, I love a babbling brook too, but it doesn't mean I want one surging through my condo! I'm calling an exterminator.
Martin
No, you can't do that! The chemicals are too dangerous for Eddie.
Frasier
All right, fine. You have twenty-four hours to get that intruder out of here or I'm calling, Eddie or no Eddie!
Frasier
[looking around the room, incensed] It taunts me!
Daphne
So, how was your day?
Niles
Fine. Thank you.
Daphne
Why don't you tell me about it?
Niles
What do you mean?
Daphne
You know, couples come home, they talk about their day. Why don't you ever want to share?
Niles
Well, I-I... suppose I'm not used to it.
Niles
Maris always needed silence to cope with her chronic migraines, Mel couldn't talk because she'd be wearing the moulds from her teeth bleaching kit.
Daphne
Well, I'm interested. Why don't you tell me something about your day?
Niles
Okay. Let me think. [suddenly, excited] I saw the best pair of driving gloves!
Daphne
[less interested than him] That's good. Anything else?
Niles
I had a cob salad for lunch. [beat] You're right, that was fun. [stands] Okay, I'm going to go; brush my teeth. I'll be right back.
Daphne
[still anxious] Okay.
Hart
Julia Roberts just signed on for twenty million dollars to play a woman who falls in love with her psychiatrist. Of course, she gets him in the end. Sound familiar, Daphne?
Hart
Look in the briefcase, I know I would. And now let's hear the details...
Daphne
Oh, thank God.
Niles
[looks up] What? [smiles]
Daphne
[covering] I missed you.
Niles
Mmm. I missed you too.
Niles
Oh, my beeper's going off.
Daphne
[seductive] Well, let's see what we can do about that.
Niles
It could be an emergency.
Daphne
Who is it?
Niles
[pulls out of the hug] Ooh, uh, it's a patient.
Daphne
That woman?
Niles
I really can't talk about it. Daphne, I'm sorry, I may be a while.
Frasier
I was trying to. I'm attempting to re-arrange my schedule. Apparently, His Royal Chirpy-ness is nocturnal, so I have to be as well.
Martin
Well, I've got the answer to the problem right here in this box. [lays it down on the table]
Frasier
What, we couldn't squash him with the shoes we already own?
Martin
[taking jacket off] Not shoes. Eddie's vet told me to get a gecko. It's a cricket-predator. You know, like you get lady- bugs to eat aphids, if somebody would let me grow tomatoes on the terrace!
Frasier
Dad, I told you, it's a condo board regulation: no fruiting plants.
Martin
Whatever. Anyway, just give me a half-an-hour and I'll have that pesky cricket out of the kitchen and inside this gecko.
Frasier
I see. So we set a lizard loose to catch the cricket?
Martin
Mmm-hmm.
Frasier
Then what? [Martin looks confused] We get an owl to eat the gecko?! Then we get a tiger to eat the owl? [pause] What eats the tiger, Dad, tell me that!
Martin
An alligator, for one, smart guy! But that's not going to happen and you know why? Because we'll put a little harness on the gecko so it doesn't run away.
Frasier
[sarcastic] Oh, this just gets better and better.
Martin
I thought I had some twine here.
Frasier
Well, I used it to stabilize a veal shank. Why don't you just make a little harness out of, uh... the dental floss.
Martin
Hey, that's not bad!
Frasier
I wasn't serious... not my cinnamon waxed!
Daphne
I've changed my mind, I can't go through with this.
Roz
You have to, Daphne. You know you're not going to sleep until you see what this Heather looks like.
Daphne
I thought I'd feel better once I'd got a look at her file, instead I feel worse. She's successful, well travelled, well educated, what if she's gorgeous too?
Roz
Daphne, you've got this all built up in your head. Once you see her, you'll know what you're up against.
Daphne
I suppose. But what if we get caught?
Roz
We lie.
Daphne
I'm a terrible liar.
Roz
Listen up. Lying is all about confidence. As long as you're confident, people will believe anything you tell them.
Daphne
Are you sure?
Roz
Frasier thinks I'm at the copy machine right now!
Roz
Excuse me, we're looking for Heather Murphy.
Assistant
This is her office. And you are?
Roz
Her two 'o clock!
Assistant
[checks computer] I don't have anything on the books.
Roz
This is unbelievable. [to Daphne] Make a note: Re-evaluate all scheduling procedures, C.C. all department heads.
Assistant
Heather'll be back in five minutes if you want to wait.
Roz
Oh, we'll wait. In the meantime, two coffees, cream with sugar, think you can handle that?!
Assistant
[scared] Yes.
Roz
We'll be in her office. Let's go.
Roz
[shouts in a style we'll now call Lana-esque] NOW!
Daphne
You know, I think coffee might make me more nervous.
Roz
We're not going to drink it. I'm just trying to buy some time so that we can look around. She's got to be in one of these pictures somewhere.
Daphne
There's a lot of people there. Which one do you suppose she is?
Roz
[referring to a woman who has just appeared at the entrance to the office] I think it's the one who looks like her.
Heather
Excuse me, can I help you?
Roz
We flew in from corporate for a meeting which the geniuses in your department managed to screw up. I don't know what kind of monkey business is going on around here, but we are this close to shutting this entire branch down.
Heather
How could you fly in from corporate? Corporate's downstairs!
Heather
I'm calling security. Who are you?
Daphne
Who am I? [with growing dignity and confidence] Who am I?
Roz
[Lana-esque] JUST RUN!
Frasier
It's asleep, Dad.
Martin
No, it's not.
Frasier
Really, he hasn't twitched his tail for two minutes.
Martin
That's because he's lulling him into a false sense of security. The most dangerous part of a gecko is its mind.
Frasier
What-are-you-talking-about? A gecko's brain is, like, this big. [holds his thumb and fore finger apart by less than an inch]
Martin
Yeah, but a cricket's brain is only this big. [holds his thumb and forefinger touching each other]
Frasier
All right, fine. Where were we?
Martin
[thinks a moment, then] Ann Margaret.
Frasier
You cannot just blurt out "Ann Margaret" like that. I'm sorry, we can only take ten women to Love Island, all right? We have to put a little thought into this. I'll tell you who makes my list: that dark haired temptress who works at the bookstore.
Martin
[smiling] Lisa.
Frasier
You know her name?
Martin
Are you kidding?
Frasier
All this time you've been going down there, I... I thought you belonged to some kind of book club.
Martin
Oh, there's a club all right! You know, she got a belly ring last week.
Frasier
[off in a fantasy] That's fantastic!
Martin
[stands] Here, hold onto this for a minute, will ya, while I grab a beer?
Frasier
Sure.
Frasier
Ooh, Dad, Dad! He's making his move, I can feel him!
Martin
Oh, all right, give him a little play!
Frasier
[reels out the thread] Right, I am doing...
Martin
A little more-
Frasier
Right.
Martin
A little more-
Frasier
Right.
Martin
He got him! Reel him in! Not too fast now, not too fast, you don't want to tug at it.
Frasier
I can't believe this worked. That was amazing! [picks up the gecko with his protected hand]
Martin
Oh great work, buddy.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad.
Martin
I meant the gecko.
Frasier
Yes, yes, of course. [to gecko] Good job, well done. [places him back into the box]
Martin
Will you be using this floss anymore?
Frasier
[gives him a look] I think we'll just let him keep it, all right?
Martin
Okay.
Frasier
There we go. In you go, little man. Congratulations. [puts the lid on] Well, that's it.
Martin
Yeah. Cricket's dead.
Frasier
Gosh, even though I am savoring the newfound silence, I, uh, sort of miss the excitement of the hunt.
Martin
Yeah, well, all right.
Frasier
You know, Dad... [Martin returns] Were you aware that the male cricket chirps in order to attract the female cricket?
Martin
Wow... and that cricket was doing an awful lot of chirping.
Frasier
Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Martin
There might be another cricket.
Frasier
There might be more than one. I'd hate to go to bed and then have to get up again.
Martin
Probably we should just play it safe.
Frasier
Release the gecko.
Martin
Yes!
Niles
Well, this is an unexpected treat.
Daphne
Niles, I have something to tell you.
Niles
Is it that I'm the sexiest man you've ever known?
Daphne
No. [beat] I mean yes you are, yes, but that's not why I'm here.
Niles
Is something wrong?
Daphne
Well sort of. [carefully] It's about Heather Murphy.
Niles
Daphne, I've told you. I cannot talk about my patients.
Daphne
You don't have to. I found out by myself.
Niles
[thoughtful pause] Did you look in my briefcase?
Niles
[angry] You read her file?!
Daphne
I know, I know, it's bad.
Niles
Those files are confidential. How could you?
Daphne
Look, before you get going, you should probably know...
Niles
No, there is no excuse. That is the worse thing you could have done!
Daphne
You would think so.
Niles
What else did you do?
Daphne
I went down to her office to see what she looks like. Well, she never found out who I was or why I was there - I know it doesn't make it okay. But I was just so worried and I had to find out who she was, and [in tears] I'm so sorry, I feel so ashamed! [cries] It was all Roz's idea!
Daphne
Look, I know you're angry, but Niles, please, say something.
Niles
Anger doesn't begin to describe it.
Daphne
Niles...
Niles
You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, I... they could suspend my license.
Daphne
I am so sorry.
Niles
And you don't trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
Daphne
Because I was somebody else.
Niles
What?
Daphne
You were married to two other women while you claimed to be in love with me. Now that we're together how can I be sure, really sure, that there won't ever be another "somebody else"?
Niles
Because I would never...
Niles
Because this time it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations or... or anything I'm supposed to be. When I was with Maris, or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day or even when I was in a session, I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop.
Niles
I'm still mad at you.
Daphne
I know.