The Return of Martin Crane
Aired 9th October 2001 · Written by Dan O'Shannon & Bob Daily · Directed by David Lee
Roz
We have Tom on the phone from Woodenville.
Frasier
[presses button] Hello, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom
[v.o.; anxious, speaking rapidly] Thank God, I thought I'd never get through. Dr. Crane, I'm-I have a problem, and I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to get married soon, but I'm having second thoughts. Do you think it's just cold feet, or-or what?
Frasier
All right, Tom, just calm down, let's work through this thing together, you and I. Are you in love with this girl?
Tom
Of course - yes - I, I think.
Frasier
Now remember, Tom, this is the person with whom you'll be spending the rest of your life. That is a long time.
Tom
It is, isn't it?
Frasier
Yes. In fact, getting married is probably the biggest decision you will ever make in your life. It requires time, temperance, and thought.
Frasier
Tom, what's that music?
Tom
Sorry, Dr. Crane, no time to talk, I have to tell Monica the bad news.
Frasier
Wait, wait, wait, Tom, no!
Frasier
Oh, dear. Well, if anyone out there happens to know Monica, just tell her to call in on Monday and I'll move her right to the head of the line. Um, meanwhile, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying good day, and good mental health.
Kenny
Please, Roz!
Roz
[half-laughing] No way!
Kenny
Come on! I wouldn't be asking you if it wasn't an emergency!
Frasier
[coming in] Is everything OK?
Kenny
[quickly] Yeah, fine, good, everything's good. [sighs] I'm supposed to stop on the way home and pick up some new... underthings for my wife.
Frasier
So?
Kenny
So? Every time I'm in one of those places I start thinking about... you know... man-and-wife stuff. I turn all red, I start to sweat, I hyperventilate. Try getting somebody to wait on you when you look like that.
Roz
Well, sorry, Kenny, but I am not going to Victoria's Secret for you.
Kenny
Victoria's Secret? Whoa, whoa, Rockefeller, I'm talking Kmart!
Roz
No.
Kenny
Before you say no, let me remind you that employee evaluation season's-
Frasier
Kenny! Roz Doyle is no gofer, she is a producer. And if she should earn a promotion - which she richly deserves - it will be based on her merits as a producer!
Kenny
Fine. I'll go myself. Why do they have those mannequins so damn sexy?
Joe
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes.
Joe
Your cake's ready.
Frasier
Oh, splendid! Well, let's just have a look here. [opens the box; reading] "Congrats"? It's supposed to say, "Congratulations, Dad."
Joe
There wasn't room.
Frasier
People have written the Declaration of Independence on a grain of rice!
Joe
Not with frosting.
Frasier
Listen, my father's starting a new job this evening. This cake is meant to show him how proud we are, how much we care, and that we believe in him, all right? It has to be special.
Joe
If it was so special, how come you ordered the smallest one?
Frasier
We're also having ice cream, if you must know!
Joe
[takes it back] Fine, you can pick it up in half an hour.
Frasier
Thank you. [Joe leaves] Oh, wait! I haven't got half an hour to- [but he's gone; sweetly] Roz?
Roz
[unsurprised] You want me to pick up the cake?
Frasier
Oh, bless you. Oh, and listen, could you pick up some ice cream on your way over, too?
Roz
Sure.
Frasier
[hurrying out] That's a love, bye!
Daphne
Hello, honey. [they hug and kiss]
Niles
[as he hangs up his coat] I have a surprise for you.
Daphne
I have a surprise for you, too.
Daphne
[thrilled] Oh my God, tickets to the Billy Joel concert!
Niles
Yes... tickets to the Mongolian Music Festival? [looks up, no less thrilled] That's four solid hours of throat singing!
Daphne
How in the world did you get these?
Niles
Oh well, I know a guy who knows a guy who has a friend that was able to pull a few strings. How did you get these?
Daphne
I called the box office.
Niles
Oh!
Daphne
[hugs him again] Oh, thank you so much!
Niles
No, no, thank you.
Both
Oh, when is it? [laughs, then] Tonight.
Both
Oh...
Daphne
Wow...
Niles
So, em, which one shall we attend?
Daphne
Well, it's always been a dream of mine to see Billy Joel live.
Niles
Yes... but has it been a lifelong dream, like my dream of seeing Mongolian throat-singers?
Daphne
Yes, but didn't we just do a "you" thing last week when we went to the opera?
Niles
Yes, but you're forgetting that the next night, we rented "Mrs. Doubtfire," which was definitely a "you" movie.
Daphne
Except they didn't have it, so we rented "Tampopo," which I believe we found in the "you" section. And we listened to NPR on the way there and on the way back, don't think I didn't notice that.
Niles
Well, perhaps I have been a bit piggish lately. We'll see Billy Joel! [she starts to hug him] But-but-but, I am not going in any mosh pit.
Daphne
OK! [hugs him]
Daphne
Well, look at you, Mr. Security Guard.
Niles
Yes, beware, criminals - Martin Crane is back on the streets.
Martin
Yeah. Actually, Martin Crane is sitting on his butt in a fancy lobby, staring at a bunch of monitors. [holds out ties] Daph, are any of these navy blue?
Niles
Here, I can help you with that, Dad. Daphne, would you- would you get us some coffee?
Daphne
Sure.
Niles
Dad, uh, are you, uh - you ready for all this, you know? Going back to work?
Martin
Niles, we talked about this, it's only three nights a week.
Niles
Oh, I know, I know, but, uh...
Niles
You're going through your old routine. Putting on the badge, going back on duty, you're even going to be working with some of your old friends from the force. Just be aware, it, uh, it might bring up buried memories.
Martin
Like what?
Niles
Well, the last time you worked, some crazy person pointed a, uh, a, uh... [makes a gun with his hand] you know, at you, and you were almost, uh... [starts shifting in his seat] you ended up in the, uh, the, uh... [starts flicking his ear with his finger] Well, you could've, uh, could've, uh, you could have actually... well, I just - probably you're going to have a lot of issues. [stops fidgeting]
Martin
Well, thanks for being concerned, Niles, but, trust me, I don't have any buried memories. I remember every detail of that day.
Martin
[v.o.] Frank and I were near the end of our shift. He wanted to get a drink. I said no, but he was thirsty. So we go to a convenience store. There was a robbery in progress. I got shot.
Martin
It was a hell of a thing.
Niles
Sure was.
Martin
Well, I got to get going. A few of the guys are taking me out for dinner before my first shift.
Niles
Oh, uh, Dad, you can't leave yet. We're having a little send- off party. Frasier's on his way with the cake.
Daphne
Here's your coffee, Mr. Crane.
Martin
Thanks, Daph.
Waitress
[v.o.] Here's your coffee, Marty.
Martin
Thanks, doll.
Frank
[lifting the bag] You going to carry that fish around all day?
Martin
Hey, he has a name. [takes the bag] That's Eddie.
Frank
Why don't you get yourself a real pet? You know, like a- like a dog?
Martin
Ah, I'm not really a dog person. I just wanted someone in the family I could get along with. Did I tell you Frasier's not coming home for Thanksgiving?
Frank
[many, many times] Yeah, you did.
Martin
And have I told you about my weekly Sunday brunch with Niles and Maris?
Frank
Yeah, you have.
Martin
Ah, I'd rather be at church. I'd get more to eat.
Frank
Hey, speaking of Niles, isn't that him?
Frank
Hey, Niles. [motions to the seat] Take a load off.
Martin
What's up?
Niles
[as he wipes the chair] You know very well what's up. Maris just called me. You booted her car. [throws the hankie on the table]
Martin
Oh, yeah, I remember having a car booted earlier. It was parked kind of close to a hydrant. Was that hers?
Niles
The license plate says "Maris"!
Martin
Well, it's a very common name, isn't it, Frank?
Frank
My mother's name is Maris.
Niles
Dad, Maris is very upset, and so am I. I can't believe you booted her.
Martin
Hey, I wouldn't be upset if you booted her.
Martin
Niles, she's loaded. She'll probably just ditch it and go buy another one.
Niles
That's not the point! I think you owe her an apology. [to Frank] Good day... [disdainfully] Frank.
Frank
You booted a car just to irritate your kid? Now that's a lot of trouble.
Martin
No, the real trouble was getting four guys to lift it and move it closer to the hydrant. [they laugh]
Daphne
Here you are.
Martin
Oh, thanks.
Daphne
Honey, get a picture of your father with his thermos.
Martin
Oh, enough with the pictures! People didn't make this much fuss when I shipped off to Korea!
Frasier
Well, Dad! Very snappy.
Martin
Uh-huh. Where's the cake?
Frasier
Roz'll be bringing it by in a minute.
Niles
Hey, Frasier, if you're interested, I have two tickets to tonight's throat singing concert.
Frasier
Don't toy with me, Niles!
Martin
What the hell is throat singing?
Frasier
Oh, Dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can actually produce two distinct tones simultaneously, allowing him to harmonize with himself!
Martin
Kind of like the Everly Brothers.
Frasier
If they shared a throat and came from Mongolia, yes. [trades another look] Niles, why aren't you going?
Daphne
He's taking me to see Billy Joel.
Frasier
[aghast] Billy Joel?!
Niles
[putting the best face on it] He's the "Piano Man."
Frasier
Well, seeing as how you're otherwise occupied, I'll guess I'll try to just wrangle myself a date. [picks up the phone]
Martin
Hey, wait a minute! Who's going to walk Eddie? I told you he has to be walked every night at ten.
Frasier
Yes, yes, of course, Dad, of course, Dad. Uh, well, you know, customarily this would fall under the description of, uh... Daphne's job.
Daphne
[piqued] Customarily, Dr. Crane, it's not my job. I do it as a favor for your father.
Frasier
Will you do it as a favor for me?
Daphne
No.
Niles
[checks his watch] You know, Frasier, you could catch the first two hours of throat singing and still get back in time to walk Eddie.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, you know damn well their throats are just starting to warm up after two hours!
Daphne
Well, I'm not missing Billy Joel.
Martin
[gets up] Gee, I hate to put you all out like this.
Frasier
Dad, I'm sorry. Don't worry, we'll work this out, I promise.
Frasier
Say, what about that nice Mrs. Curdsman who lives right across the hall?
Daphne
She's ninety-four - someone comes to walk her everyday!
Frasier
There's got to be somebody on God's green earth that can walk this dog.
All
Roz!
Roz
Hi, cake's here.
Frasier
[takes it] Yes. You know, Roz, we were just talking about you - say, listen, are you busy this evening?
Roz
No.
Frasier
Oh, that's terrific news! Well then, you won't mind coming by and walking Eddie about ten o'clock?
Roz
[had enough] Forget it, Frasier. I am not your assistant, I am a producer. A producer does not give up her evenings to walk a dog.
Frasier
Would a senior producer walk a dog? [she doesn't even answer that one] Well, someone has got to walk this damn dog.
Martin
[coming out] All right, that's enough. You all said you'd be supportive if I went back to work.
Martin
Yeah, for the first two or three seconds until it gets inconvenient, then all you think about is yourself. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm not in a party mood.
Martin
What do you want?
Roz
[o.s.] It's me, Roz.
Martin
Oh, come on in.
Frasier
[o.s.] Are you people insane? How can paper beat a rock!
Martin
Well, I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house.
Roz
Well, I didn't want you to go before I had a chance to give you this. [gives him a small jewelry box]
Martin
Oh, you didn't have to do that! [opens it] Oh, a tie pin! Oh, look at the little handcuffs!
Roz
Well, we don't want that tie to escape.
Martin
Thanks, Roz.
Roz
So it's a big day, isn't it?
Martin
Mmm-hmm.
Roz
You feeling good?
Martin
Oh, I feel better than that; I feel useful. It's been a long time. You know, when I was a cop, we used to make fun of security guards. I guess now I'm going to have to make fun of crossing guards.
Roz
Who do crossing guards make fun of?
Martin
I don't know. Uh, kids, I guess.
Martin
Hello? Oh, hey, Frank. Yup, got my W-4. Uh, listen, I want to thank you again, for getting me in, you know. I know you had to push, what with my hip and all... No, I'm just thanking you again, that's all. That's not mushy! Huh? Oh, that's too bad. OK, well, maybe next time. Bye. [hangs up]
Roz
What's too bad?
Martin
Well, a bunch of us are going out for dinner, but one guy can't make it. Evidently he got called to check on a possible perv at the Kmart.
Martin
I got to tell you, Roz, hanging out with a bunch of guys again is - well, something I've really missed.
Roz
Oh... [comes up behind him] well, I am happy for you, Martin. [kisses his cheek]
Martin
Thanks, Roz.
Daphne
[o.s.] Let's just all leave now and then Roz will have to walk him.
Roz
Hey!
Frank
[v.o.] Hey, Marty, we've got a Code-9 over here on the right.
Martin
Are you blind? She's a Code-7 at best.
Frank
Oh. Am I mistaken, or is she swerving?
Martin
I'm not pulling her over, Frank. Last time I did that, you ended up in divorce court.
Frank
Ah...
Martin
Did I tell you Frasier's not coming home for Thanksgiving?
Frank
Yeah, you did.
Martin
Means I'll have to spend it with Maris and Niles. Last time she didn't even eat anything, she just sucked air through a rice cake. Boy, he sure picked a winner.
Frank
Marty, you sound like a broken record. You know, I get it: you can't stand your kids.
Martin
No! No, no; they can't stand me.
Frank
Well, maybe you've got to be the one that takes the first step. You know, reach out. And most importantly, listen. Not just with your ears, but with your heart.
Martin
What the hell are you talking about?
Frank
I'm seeing a court-appointed family therapist. I have to admit, it's only been a few sessions, but... she is hot!
Martin
You've come a long way.
Frank
I think it's making me a better dad, you know? I'm getting involved with their school stuff, I talk to them at the end of the day; I make sure I kiss them goodbye before I go to work.
Martin
Hmm... You really do that?
Frank
Yup. According to Dr. Hottie, you have to make an effort.
Martin
[thinks, then smiles] You know what I should do?
Frank
What?
Martin
I ought to just call Frasier out of the blue and see how he's doing. Niles, too. They'd probably think I was dying or something.
Frank
You should.
Martin
Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do. I'll do it tonight when I get home.
Frank
Good for you, Marty. [looks out the window] Hey, can we stop? I need to get another Slushie.
Martin
You just got that one!
Frank
I got rinds in it.
Martin
All right, but I'll go in and get it. You stay here and clean this mess up.
Frasier
Good news, Dad! We worked it out.
Martin
You did?
Frasier
Yes. Listen, Dad, I'm sorry. I hope our little tiff didn't spoil the occasion. We're all so proud of you, I want you to know that.
Martin
Thanks, son. So who's walking Eddie?
Frasier
I am. I figured if I just take him out right now, I still have time to make it to the concert, and he'll be OK until I come back around midnight.
Martin
I told you, he's got to be walked around ten o'clock, that's his routine!
Frasier
Well, can't his routine just bend a little?
Martin
Fine, then I hope your Berber carpet is waterproof.
Niles
What's wrong?
Frasier
Apparently, His Nibs will explode if he doesn't go out around ten!
Niles
OK, OK, OK, OK, how's this: I will stay and walk Eddie.
Frasier
Really?
Daphne
You just don't want to see Billy Joel.
Niles
That is patently untrue. I'm just trying to help my father.
Roz
If he isn't going, can I?
Niles
Well, that would work perfectly.
Frasier
But since you're free, Niles, I've got this extra ticket for the throat singing concert!
Niles
[excited] Oh?!
Frasier
Well, then it's settled!
Martin
Ed-die.
Frasier
Oh, dear. All right, OK, OK, we will work this out, Dad.
Daphne
So what happens when your nibs explode?
Frank
[v.o.] You should see it, Marty...
Frank
They're using your rookie picture on the news.
Martin
Oh, what's all the fuss about? It's only my hip. Ten bucks says I'll be back on the job in a couple of weeks.
Frank
I just keep thinking, you know, it should have been me.
Nurse
Can I do anything to make you more comfortable, Mr. Crane?
Martin
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Frank
Seriously, it should have been me. [they laugh]
Niles
Hey, Frank. Hello, Dad.
Martin
Niles.
Niles
How-how are you, uh... how are you feeling?
Martin
I think I'm going to be fine.
Niles
Well, thank God.
Frank
Well, I'd better get going.
Martin
Oh, no!
Niles
No, no, hey, don't go on my account, Frank.
Frank
Nah, you guys got plenty of things to talk about. [claps Martin on the shoulder] Listen, I'll never drink another Slushie again.
Martin
Well, then it was worth it.
Frank
All right. [to Niles] See you.
Niles
I just got off the phone with Frasier. He is flying in.
Martin
Good.
Martin
Doc says I'll be out of here in a couple of days.
Niles
Good. They have, uh, they have a great staff here.
Martin
Oh.
Niles
I knew this was going to happen some day.
Martin
Hey, it comes with the territory.
Niles
I'll never understand how you can take these risks.
Martin
No, you probably won't.
Nurse
I'm sorry, visiting hours are over.
Niles
Um, thank you. [beat] Well... [gets up and goes to the door] I'll be back tomorrow.
Martin
OK.
Frasier
All right, we're running out of time! I'll tell you what: I will offer a hundred dollars to anyone who is willing to walk this dog.
Niles
I'll kick in a hundred!
Frasier
That's two hundred dollars! [towards Roz] That's an awful lot of money, isn't it, Niles?
Niles
[towards Daphne] It sure is, Frasier!
Frasier
All just to walk a little dog!
Niles
Yes, mmm-hmm.
Daphne
[hits Niles] I can't believe you'd try to buy me off!
Roz
You, too! [hits Frasier]
Frasier
Ow! For God's sake...
Martin
I'm leaving! [they continue arguing] SHUT UP!
Martin
You ought to be ashamed, I can't even depend on my own kids.
Frasier
But, Dad...
Martin
You two, come here. [points to his feet]
Frasier
We're sorry.
Niles
Frasier started it.
Martin
I'm going to work now. I'll be home late. [kisses Frasier on the cheek] Don't wait up. [kisses Niles on the cheek]