Love Stinks
Aired 16th October 2001 · Written by Saladin K. Patterson · Directed by Katy Garretson
Frasier
Cranberry muffin, please. And, uh... a vanilla latte.
Niles
Oh, dear, comfort food. What happened?
Frasier
Niles? Do you think I'm elitist?
Niles
Of course I do. You needn't worry about that.
Frasier
No, not in the good way. At work today, I discovered an injurious graffito about me. Scrawled on the men's room wall.
Niles
No.
Frasier
Yes. Quote: There once was a man, Frasier Crane, Who says he can feel your pain. But he acts like a snob, To the guys at his job, And I think he's totally lame.
Niles
That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired...
Frasier
Niles, you're missing the point! I have always striven to be approachable, the embodiment of the words "If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue..."
Niles
"Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch."
Frasier
Exactly!
Frasier
Thank you. If maligner truly knew who I was, he'd have found that a more apt characterization than "snob."
Niles
Assuming he's familiar with Kipling.
Frasier
What are the odds?
Frasier
Well, Roz. I'd ask you to join us, but I see you've already had happy hour. Well, here, please, join us.
Frasier
So?
Roz
Well, his name is Roger, and we've been kinda goin' out for the last couple of weeks.
Frasier
All right, tell us about him.
Roz
He's very sweet - and he's a garbage man, so go ahead and make your jokes.
Frasier
What jokes? Why does everyone assume I look down on the common man?
Niles
Oh, I've got a good one: So, even in his off time, he's taking out the trash.
Frasier
Technically, that's really more about Roz. Now if I were to make a joke about him, which of course I wouldn't, I'd say he has a thing for Roz's can.
Roz
You two finished?
Roz
And don't worry, I won't get dumped.
Niles
I'd already passed on that.
Frasier
Yes, it's a bit on the nose.
Niles
Dad, Daphne.
Daphne
Hey. [she holds up a photo] Look what your father found: a picture of you in a teddy bear costume.
Niles
Why do you have all this out?
Martin
Well, I was makin' room in the storage closet and I found some of your old stuff.
Niles
What else is in here?
Martin
Well, here's your cap and your blazer from Bryce academy.
Daphne
Oh, I bet you were the cutest thing in that.
Niles
Oh, well, here's a picture of me in it.
Daphne
[a bit flat] Oh.
Niles
[picking up a plaque] Oh, oh, oh, oh. Bobby Fisher's autograph.
Martin
Well, son, it's been enough years, I can probably tell you the truth about that.
Niles
[holding the plaque to his chest proudly] What?
Martin
[covering] Oh, look! A picture of you in your first little league uniform. [wistfully] Don't know why I said "first."
Daphne
[taking it] Was that your game face?
Niles
Oh, no, no. I'd just lost a tooth to an errant pitch.
Martin
Tell her who was pitchin'.
Niles
I was.
Frasier
Flowers from your new beau?
Roz
Yeah.
Frasier
Must be nice to be liked.
Roz
[coming back] Are you still obsessing over that limerick?
Frasier
People are making additions. Good lord, I've read anthologies with fewer contributing authors.
Roz
I'm sure they'll all wash right off.
Frasier
If only there were a solvent that could remove the stains they've left on my spirit.
Roz
It was a joke. What's the big deal?
Frasier
[following] Oh, yes, I know. Being written up on the bathroom wall is no big deal to you. But that limerick made a point, as all good limericks do. It seems to have resonated with everyone around here. I want these people to know the real Frasier Crane.
Roz
Wouldn't it be better if you tried to make them like you?
Frasier
Yes. And to that end I was thinking along the lines of... oh, say a little party. For the entire staff, at my place. Hey, you could bring Roger!
Roz
Thanks. But I think it's a little too soon. I don't want to put any pressure on him.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Roz. You're always saying you don't have a date for these things.
Roz
There's gonna be a lotta radio talk, and I'm not sure he's gonna be that comfortable with this crowd.
Frasier
Who is? Come on, Roz, I'd like to meet him.
Roz
I don't know. Maybe next party.
Frasier
Does this have anything to do with his occupation, you know, his being a refuse collector?
Roz
No, I am completely comfortable with his job. I just don't want him to feel awkward around other people.
Frasier
Okay.
Roz
Not that he should. Or would.
Frasier
Yes, all right, fine, fine. If you change your mind, he's more than welcome. It promises to be a real wing-ding. If being a snob is the reputation I've built around here, then this party will be the wrecking ball of congeniality that tears it down.
Roz
Yeah, say stuff like that.
Roger
Say "Come on, Mom."
Alice
Come on, Mom.
Roger
Say "Don't be a wuss."
Alice
Don't be a wuss.
Roz
I'm not a wuss.
Roger
Ohh, I know you said you were gonna make dinner, but why not just open a can of something?
Roz
How'd you think I was gonna make dinner? Alice, go pick out some PJs.
Roger
[pulling a book from his backpack] When you're ready, I've got a special book for you. It's called "Make Room for Monkeys." Now hurry up, get outta here, go on.
Roz
"Make Room for Monkeys"? Where did you find this? You know it's out of print.
Roger
Yeah, well, a certain very bad skater told me it was her favorite book when she was growing up, so I kept my eyes open and I found it in a pile of old books.
Roz
[nervously] You mean like at the dump?
Roger
No, not a dump! Please, it's a secret underground landfill accessible only to garbage men. And the Mole People who live there. I used to be one of them, but then I decided to join the surface dwellers and find my queen.
Roz
Thank you. That's very thoughtful.
Roger
And you will make an excellent Mole Queen. Of course, after a year underground, your eyes will fuse shut. Your sense of smell will stick around...
Roz
Okay, stop, stop, stop. Do you joke around about your career because you're uncomfortable talking about it?
Roger
You mean deeply and utterly ashamed?
Roz
Whatever, your words.
Roger
I don't know, I've never really thought about it as a career. I mean, it's just a job to me. You know, it's got great benefits, and afternoons off and... when I have a family, I'll get to spend a lot of time with them. How sweet will that be?
Roz
Would you like to go to a party with me on Saturday?
Roger
I'd love to. I found a great pair of shoes this morning. They damn near match.
Frasier
Good to see you, glad you could come, make yourselves at home.
Martin
Hey, Fras, why don't you introduce me some of your friends?
Frasier
I wish I could, Dad. I don't know any of these people myself.
Martin
You don't? I better go hide my beer in the crisper.
Jason
Hey, Frasier, thanks for inviting me to your party.
Frasier
Well, it's my pleasure... man.
Jason
Did you see the game today?
Frasier
Actually, I did not.
Jason
Aw, man, it was a real squeaker. U-Dub pulled it out at the end with a last minute field goal. It's all about special teams, am I right?
Frasier
Ah, right. You know, I think they prefer the term "challenged."
Frasier
Roz, Roz! Come on in, Good to see you. And you must be Roger.
Roger
Yeah.
Frasier
Lovely to meet you.
Roz
Hey, Jason.
Frasier
Right. Jason, this is Roger. Yeah, the ol' J-man here and I were just shootin' the breeze, ya know. This guy. Okay, so enjoy yourself there. [He turns to Roz as Jason heads away.] So, Roz um... Roger, do you suppose I could borrow Roz for just one minute?
Roger
Yeah.
Frasier
Thank you so much.
Frasier
Roz, please, don't leave me alone here, I don't know any of these people's names.
Roz
Frasier, I can't leave Roger alone in a room full of nosey strangers.
Frasier
Oh, look, look, he's already met Dad. He knows as many people as I do.
Roz
I'm sorry. You're gonna have to find yourself another patsy.
Frasier
Well where the hell am I supposed to find another... [noticing] ...Kenny!
Noel
Hey Roz! Lookin' su-weet!
Roz
Hey, Noel.
Noel
So, that's the competition? Or, are you just using him to make me jealous?
Roz
Actually, I forgot you were gonna be here.
Noel
I'll bet you regret bringing the arm candy now. So, uh, what's he do?
Roz
He... works for the city.
Noel
So, in a manner of speaking, I pay his salary. Which makes me his boss. Does that turn you on?
Roz
Roger, would you like something to drink?
Roger
Yeah, I'll come with you. Nice meeting you, Martin.
Cheryl
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Cheryl.
Cheryl
Introduce me to your friend.
Roz
Roger, this is Cheryl.
Roger
Hey, Cheryl, how you doing?
Cheryl
Hi, nice to meet you. I think I know you from somewhere.
Roger
Yeah? Maybe I work in your neighborhood.
Cheryl
Oh, what do you do?
Roz
What doesn't he do? He sends me flowers and gives me massages and he's just great.
Cheryl
Really? You know she has a kid, right?
Roz
Okay, Cheryl!
Roger
So, uh, why didn't you tell her what I do?
Roz
And have her stalking you at work? I don't think so.
Dennis
Great party, Frasier.
Frasier
Thanks. Glad you could come...
Kenny
Dennis.
Frasier
Dennis. You too...
Kenny
Emily.
Frasier
Emily. Say, when are you expecting?
Kenny
NNNOOO!
Frasier
...this weather to change?
Noel
Well, you're not the first rustler who's tried to cut my filly from the herd.
Frasier
So, did you guys happen to see the game today?
Dennis
No, I missed that. Who won?
Frasier
Actually, it was a real squeaker. U-Dub pulled it out at the last second with a real clutch field goal. Say Dad, what's goin' on?
Martin
I don't know.
Kenny
Yeah, the station manager's sort of the head honcho. You know, the go-to guy. You could replace virtually everybody at the station except for me. [he notices Roz behind him] And Roz! So, uh, what do you do?
Roger
I'm a...
Roz
Roger, could you please get me a sandwich?
Roger
Yeah, okay.
Kenny
So I take it handsome's not in the biz, huh? So, what's he do?
Roz
What difference does it make Kenny? Why are people so obsessed with what you do? Every party you ever go to, all anyone ever asks you is "What do you do?" "What do you do?"
Roz
You know, not everyone has a job they're proud of, did you ever think of that? Why can't you ask him about music or sports or books, for God's sake. "Have you read a good book, lately?" Why don't you ask him that instead of embarrassing everybody.
Roger
Here's your sandwich, Roz.
Kenny
So, have you read any good books lately?
Roger
No, actually, us garbage men don't have a lot of time to read books. We've gotta get up pretty early in the morning, so I guess I'd better get out of here. Bye, Roz.
Roger
Hey, Frasier, thanks a lot.
Frasier
Right.
Roger
It was really nice meeting everyone.
Frasier
[calling] Goodbye.
Kenny
[whispering] Roger!
Frasier
I know that.
Dennis
Hey! Crane man!
Frasier
Dennis, Lisa. Hi. Patty, lookin' good.
Frasier
Kill me.
Roz
What are you talking about? You're Mr. Popularity.
Frasier
Yes. And it's a living hell. I have spent the entire morning exchanging fake pleasantries with a bunch of people that I have absolutely nothing in common with. I miss being unapproachable.
Roz
I thought you wanted to be loved by the common man.
Frasier
Yes, but couldn't they have sent just one representative?
Frasier
Roz?
Roz
I'm sorry. Ever since Roger and I broke up, I can't look at trash the same way.
Frasier
Do you want to talk about it?
Roz
No, it's okay. It's just so weird. You go through life meeting people who are all the same, you know. And they just think you're the same, too. And then one day, you meet this guy, but he's not the same, because he actually sees that you're not the same. And he knows, because he's the same way.
Frasier
Roz, sounds to me like you're in love.
Roz
I can't be. I know this is shallow and I hate myself for it, but I can't be in love with a garbage man.
Frasier
Well, then, you need to move on and realize that you've learned something about yourself.
Roz
Great. I learned that I'm a snob.
Frasier
No, no. Just that you have certain standards that it may be difficult for others to live up to. You know, Roz, it seems you and I are more alike than we thought.
Roz
Okay, now I'm really miserable. Look at me, I'm a mess.
Frasier
Well, tell you what, we've got a few minutes before the show starts, just go clean yourself up.
Roz
Okay. Thanks.
Jason
Hey, hey.
Noel
Dr. Crane, what's goin' on?
Frasier
Uh, my show, actually, in about two minutes. What can I do for you gentlemen?
Jason
Sue invited us all over to watch the fight on pay per view.
Frasier
Right. Well, as tempting as that sounds, I'm going to have to decline.
Jason
Okay, we'll catch you next time.
Frasier
Well, actually, you won't. Jason, Noel... you there. I've been living a lie. Let me tell you a little something about a few things I don't like: Boxing for one. Sporting events of any kind. Barbecues, office parties, buddy movies. Any dish made with marshmallows. Things that I DO like: the opera, the symphony, Elizabethan revenge dramas et cetera. So, if you're not inclined toward any of these interests, well, then, our association can be civil at best. Are we all clear on this concept?
Noel
I told you.
Niles
Hey, what's going on?
Daphne
I found another box of pictures from your childhood.
Niles
Oh, no.
Daphne
Oh, look at this one, you're adorable.
Niles
Yes, it's all adorable. My retainer and the membership card to the young magician's club and that picture of me in my choo-choo jammies.
Martin
Yeah, with your caboose hangin' out.
Daphne
Adorable.
Niles
Can we just give my childhood a rest for a while? I mean, how would you feel if I took your most humiliating moments and put them on display?
Daphne
You know, I think I've got the perfect picture frame for this one.
Martin
So she puts a few pictures out, what's the big deal? There's a whole part of your life she missed out on.
Niles
I guess.
Martin
Besides, I like seein' your old stuff.
Martin
Ah, no one around here draws pictures any more. What the hell is this supposed to be, anyway?
Niles
[coming over to him] Oh! That is an Egyptian battle scene from "Aida." That's Radames and that's the jealous Amneris... Oh, I misspelled "Amonasro." Oh, to be six again.
Niles
Oh, what is that?
Daphne
Some things from my childhood. You asked how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot, go ahead, take a look.
Niles
Okay. Ooh, well, that's a wonderful drawing of a... uh... turtle.
Daphne
No, that's me Dad crawling home from the pub.
Niles
Well why did you sign it "Dappy"?
Daphne
Oh, me Mum did that. My family called me "Dappy" because I couldn't say "Daphne."
Niles
Really?
Daphne
Yeah, I hated it. My brothers would sing "Dappy, Dappy, wet her nappy."
Niles
Well, I think it's precious... Dappy. I'm gonna call you that from now on... Dappy.
Daphne
No you won't.
Niles
Well, how about I call you "Dappy" until you put my mementos back in the box. How does that sound, Dappy?
Daphne
Well, that's not fair.
Niles
Oh, Dad. [Martin comes back in with a beer.] You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child.
Martin
[heading for his room] Was it worse than "Piles"?
Daphne
Well, that can't bring up fond memories.
Alice
Roger's here.
Alice
Let's go see him.
Roz
I don't think so, sweety.
Alice
Why?
Roz
Well, it's hard to explain.
Alice
Why?
Roz
It's complicated.
Alice
Why?
Roz
Mommy works in an office and Roger works in a truck. And people in offices and people in trucks... it's complicated.
Alice
I like Roger.
Roz
I know, honey.
Alice
Do you like Roger?
Roz
Yes, but...
Roz
Yeah.
Alice
Okay...
Roz
Okay. Sarah, can you look after Alice? I'll be right back.
Roz
Roger!
Roger
Hi.
Roz
I'm so sorry that I've been such an idiot. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is that I miss you like crazy. Do you still have an opening for a Mole Queen?
Roger
You sure?