Room Full of Heroes
Aired October 30th, 2001 · Written by Eric Zicklin · Directed by Wil Shriner
Daphne
Wow, look at you! You look just...[at a loss] like him.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne, come on! [indicating costume] Huh? The theme this evening is to come dressed as your hero. [He places a cigar in his mouth.]
Daphne
[guessing] Fidel Castro!
Frasier
[irritated] Sigmund Freud! [Daphne picks up a bowl of candy.] Daphne, don't you think that bowl is a little bit small for a whole night of trick-or-treaters?
Daphne
Oh, I don't think so. The children in the building are too scared to ring our bell.
Frasier
Why is that?
Daphne
They're afraid of "Old Man Crane."
Frasier
[chuckling] Poor Dad.
Daphne
It's not him, Dr. Crane, it's you.
Frasier
[taken aback] What?! I'm Old Man Crane? Good Lord, I have tousled every young head in this building from the laundry room to the rooftop.
Daphne
Yeah, apparently that's how it started. They think you're feeling to see if their brains are ripe.
Frasier
How do you know all this?
Daphne
They have a whole rhyme about you. [singing] "Old Man Crane, Old Man Crane, Make him mad and he'll eat your brain."
Frasier
That's absurd. How do children get such crazy ideas?
Martin
Whoa! Hey, hey, keep it down, will 'ya?
Boy
We're just playing.
Martin
I know, but...you know how "Old Man Crane" gets. Especially on Halloween, or as he calls it, "Harvest Time."
Martin
[indicating costume and smiling broadly] Fras...?
Frasier
[at a loss] Hello...baseball man.
Martin
Oh, come on! Joe DiMaggio [he turns to reveal the number 5]. You know who he is, don't you?
Frasier
Well, of course. Joe DiMaggio was married to Marilyn Monroe... who was also married to Arthur Miller, the playwright who wrote Death of a Salesman, The Crucible, A View From the Bridge... you see, Dad, I know a lot more about baseball than you think.
Martin
How does this party game of yours work? Is it like Charades? 'Cause I don't like Charades.
Frasier
Oh no, no Dad. It's actually much better. You see, I've devised some questions that we will answer as our heroes. What better way to learn about each other than to explore the personalities of those who most inspire us, huh? [chuckles]
Martin
Couldn't we just play Charades?
Frasier
You know, if this evening goes really well, I may consider marketing my little invention. It's a welcome change from those tiresome theme parties where someone gets murdered.
Martin
[drily] It could still happen.
Frasier
Hello? Gil. Good heavens, shouldn't you be on your way by now?...Well, yes, of course we'll be playing my little game. Oh. You don't sound sick...Oh, now I hear it. Oh, all right, feel better [hangs up].
Martin
Isn't that like your eighth cancellation?
Frasier
Yes. There must be something going around at the office.
Frasier
Hi!
Roz
[noticing Martin] Hey, it's Joe DiMaggio!
Martin
[tipping his cap] Ma'am.
Frasier
I see you've brought a little puppy.
Roz
Yes, we've been trick-or-treating all afternoon and she's exhausted.
Frasier
That's strange. The children in our building haven't even started trick-or-treating.
Roz
Are you kidding? I just rode up the elevator with five Britney Spears and a sweaty Harry Potter. I'm going to go put her down in your room. Can I change there?
Frasier
Well, as you know, Roz [assuming an Austro-German accent], change can only occur after years of hard work und analysis. [He places the cigar in his mouth.]
Roz
[to Martin] It's going to be a hell of a party.
Martin
Yeah.
Martin
What the heck are you supposed to be?
Daphne
[delighted] Reginald Dwight. You might know me as Sir Elton John.
Frasier
Daphne, I must say, I hardly think of Elton John as an heroic figure.
Daphne
[defensive] Yes, he is! He's been a great musician for over thirty years. There's also his charity work and his knighthood!
Frasier
Well, I must say I never thought about it that way, which is exactly the point of this evening. Thank you for putting so much thought into your costume rather than just throwing on something frivolous.
Roz
Ta-Da! [She twirls her cape, poses proudly, and smiles broadly.]
Martin
Wow, Roz, you look great!
Frasier
[annoyed] Oh, Roz, are you serious?
Roz
[taken aback] What?
Frasier
Your hero is Wonder Woman? You're supposed to come dressed as the person you most admire, whom you most wish to emulate. I'm not even sure you can do that to the flag!
Roz
[clearly hurt] I'm sorry. When you said "hero" I thought you meant "superhero."
Frasier
Yes, and when you saw me dressed in a beard with a cigar, what "superhero" did you think I was, hmm?
Roz
That butler who cooked for Batman?
Daphne
Speaking of which, would you help me bring out some cheese, Wonder Woman?
Roz
[in her "heroic" pose] I'd be glad to, Elton John!
Frasier
Hello? Kenny...Gosh, don't you think you should have left by now?...Well, actually, you know, there have been a few cancellations, so that will allow us to delve even deeper into our psyches... [Martin looks concerned, knowing what is about to happen.] Really, what kind of sick?...[credulous] Oh, gosh, that sounds horrible...Yes, all right, well, um, take care [hangs up]. You know, we might be wise to take some echinacea.
Niles
[imitating Martin] Somebody get me a beer!
Frasier
Niles! What in the world?
Niles
Well, you said dress as your hero. Hello, Dad!
Martin
Holy Moly! Niles, this is unbelievable!
Niles
You like it?
Martin
Oh, I love it! [embraces Niles] But Frasier said to dress as your hero, not as the handsomest man in the world!
Frasier
Niles, I thought you were going to come as Carl Jung!
Niles
Well, I changed my mind!
Frasier
But the idea of this evening is to come as a classic hero, someone who truly inspires you. No offense, Dad. You know, someone of truly unquestioned greatness! Again, no offense, Dad.
Martin
[irritated] Blow it out your whistle. No offense.
Daphne
Oh, my goodness!
Roz
Ohh, isn't that the cutest thing?
Niles
[to Daphne] What the heck are you supposed to be?
Martin
That's exactly what I said!
Frasier
Well, I guess we have a full complement. We may as well get on to the main event. Wonder Woman, Elton John, Martin Crane, Joe DiMaggio--I think you all know each other. Why don't you have a seat and we will proceed to a night of frivolity and enlightenment.
Niles
Oh, Joe, I insist you take my chair.
Martin
Thanks, Marty! [Niles takes a chair from the table.]
Frasier
All right, then, let's dive into the question bowl. Now remember, our job is to answer these questions as the people we honor tonight.
Niles
Well, what if I'm someone who just wants to watch TV. Can I do that? [He reclines and places his feet on an ottoman.]
Martin
Yeah, can he?
Frasier
Very amusing. Oh, yes, yes, I took the liberty of jotting down a few reminders and regulations for your edification. [He begins to hand out sheets of paper.]
Martin
[handing Niles a beer] Here you go, Marty!
Niles
Oh, uh,...
Frasier
Oh, Niles, you don't really have to drink that.
Niles
Well, I'm already wearing black shoes with white socks. I may as well go all the way. [He sips the beer. Martin laughs.]
Frasier
All right. Question number one. [taking a slip of paper from the bowl] The inaugural question in the first game ever of "Hero Worship." Copyright Frasier Crane, boilerplate, boilerplate. [reading from the paper] "As your hero, please share your reaction to the human genome project, not only as a scientific venture, but as a regulatory challenge to governments--foreign and domestic."
Martin
No.
Niles
Are you insane?
Frasier
[putting the paper down] Oh, all right, all right. Maybe we'll just save that for the lightning round. [He takes another paper from the bowl.] Well...as your hero [reading] "describe the most significant relationship in your life."
Frasier
I'll tell you what. I'll go first. [assuming Austrian accent and posing as Freud.] So it is common for a parent to deeply impact the life of her child. Consider the exponential power that parent wields when she loves one of the children above the rest, singling him out as "My golden Sigi," and referring to him...
Roz
Really, Frasier, mother-Freud. We get it.
Frasier
All right, very well. Now, in the first of many wrinkles, the game will proceed counterclockwise. Joe.
Martin
Oh, all right. Well, even though I had a big family, I'd have to say that my most important relationship was probably with Marilyn Monroe...although I might have been married before that, I'm not sure.
Daphne
[in a bad Elton John imitation] I wrote a song about Marilyn
Monroe
"Candle in the Wind."
Frasier
Yes, that's very good. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Wonder Woman, you're next.
Roz
OK, my...greatest relationship was with my alter ego, who was a nurse in the army and her name was Diana Prince.
Daphne
[same bad Elton John accent] Hey! I wrote a song about Princess Diana...and it was the same song I wrote about Marilyn Monroe!
Roz
That's weird!
Martin
Really weird!
Niles
You would never think that two such disparate characters across half a century of time could be connected like that.
Frasier
[very annoyed] That's because they're not connected! The song was written about Princess Diana, not Diana Prince!
Daphne
Still, it's a pretty odd coincidence...
Frasier
[cutting her off] It's not a coincidence at all! It's just two names that barely sound alike when one of them is pronounced in reverse order! Now, if we could just return to my game...
Roz
It says right here that one of the objectives is "lively conversation."
Martin
Which is what we're having.
Frasier
I think I know what my game's objectives are, and they do not include this nascent migraine! All right, Martin Crane. Why don't you tell us about your most significant relationship.
Niles
All righty. In 1952, I met a woman named Hester Palmer. And even thought she's been gone fourteen years, she was not only the greatest relationship in my life but also the greatest blessing. I miss her every day.
Martin
[touched] You're a good boy, Niles.
Frasier
Niles, could I see you in the kitchen? [He walks to the kitchen alone.]
Niles
Did Niles finally get here? Where is that boy genius?
Frasier
It's okay! Dad, can I see you in the kitchen please?
Niles
Why is he looking at me? I'm not Freud's "Dad."
Frasier
[highly irritated] Martin Crane!!
Frasier
It doesn't take Freud to see what's going on here.
Niles
What are you talking about?
Frasier
Oh, your little ploy is working out brilliantly, isn't it? Not only have you stolen my thunder as host, you have also won the approval you so desperately crave from Dad.
Niles
This is not about craving approval. This is about honoring someone I respect and admire. The fact that you're threatened by it speaks volumes about your insecurity. [He begins to drink the beer. Frasier grabs him.]
Frasier
Don't you turn this on me! I am perfectly comfortable in my relationship with Dad.
Niles
Then you should be glad that he's having fun. It rarely happens at your parties...or mine. So why don't we both take pride in that and just be happy for him? Or, as Dad would say: "Shut your big bazoo and stop thinkin' so much!" [He does the "Martin" laugh and leans backwards, then exits the kitchen.]
Daphne
Let's play "Scattergories!"
Roz
Oh, do you have one of those murder mystery games?
Frasier
[emerging from the kitchen] So that's it, then? The party's over?
Martin
What are you talking about? We're just getting started.
Frasier
You're not playing my game. This is chaos. We're just five people in costumes drinking.
Martin
Amen! [handing Roz a camera] Here, Roz, would you take a picture of Marty Crane with his hero, Joe DiMaggio?
Martin
That'll make a great Christmas card.
Frasier
[moving to the coat rack] Yeah, good idea, Dad. You've already ruined Halloween, why not ruin Christmas too? [He heads for the front door.]
Niles
Oh, Frasier, come on, relax. We're just having fun. Hey, have a beer. It really takes the edge off.
Roz
Yeah, don't be a spoilsport!
Frasier
Spoilsport? I haven't spoiled anything. I'm not the bad guy here.
Justin
Hey, that's mine!
Frasier
Did that boy just steal your candy?
Justin
Yeah.
Frasier
Tell me his name. I'll go speak to his parents for you.
Justin
His parents are my parents. He's my brother. [sits on a bench]
Frasier
Ah, it isn't easy having a brother, is it?
Justin
No.
Frasier
They can be selfish and thoughtless.
Justin
And butt-faces.
Frasier
Butt-faces, yes. And butt-faces, too. [Joins Justin on the bench] But you know what might put things right?
Justin
What?
Frasier
The smallest pinch of fiberglass in his bed. It'll get under his skin. It'll itch for days with no clue how it got there. Have you seen those spare rolls of insulation they keep in the basement?
Justin
That sounds pretty mean.
Frasier
He stole your candy, didn't he? And embarassed you in front of your friends.
Justin
I guess. But still he's not so bad.
Frasier
Seemed pretty bad a moment ago.
Justin
Well, he was just showing off. But most days he's all right.
Frasier
Still, the man stole your candy. And ruined your much- anticipated evening. [Frasier is now clearly talking about himself.] Shouldn't there be repercussions?
Justin
Are you okay?
Frasier
Yes. I suppose I'm just having a bit of a temper tantrum, that's all.
Justin
Yeah, I get those too. [Frasier chuckles.] Well, I'm going home. See you later. [He heads to the elevator.]
Frasier
Yup, see you later. Say, you know, maybe I'll go home too. [He rises to join Justin at the elevator.] If your brother doesn't give back your candy, you can always come trick-or- treating at my apartment. I got bags of the stuff. You can have all you want.
Justin
Really? Awesome! [They enter the elevator.]
Frasier
Apartment 1901.
Justin
[suddenly fearful] 1901? [The elevator door closes on his troubled face. Cut to interior of elevator.] You're the guy who eats brains.
Frasier
Now, come on. If I really ate brains, children would be disappearing from the building all the time. You haven't noticed anything like that, have you?
Justin
No.
Frasier
That's because I don't eat brains. [musing] Not human brains, anyway. [Justin is startled.] A nice fresh order of calf's brains in a beurre noir sauce, now that would be...[seeing Justin's uneasiness] I don't eat brains.
Martin
All right, stop it.
Niles
What?
Martin
I don't want to watch myself make out with Elton John.
Frasier
Hello, all.
All
Hello.
Frasier
I would like to apologize for my petulant departure. I just want us all to enjoy ourselves this evening. And Niles, I never should have questioned your motives for this wonderful tribute.
Niles
Thank you son. [He belches. He is drinking yet another beer and is clearly beginning to show the effects. We see that there are about six empty cans on the TV tray.]
Daphne
It was our fault too, Dr. Crane. We really didn't give your game a chance.
Martin
Yeah, let's give it another shot! [placing baseball cap on his head] Joltin' Joe wouldn't quit, and neither will I.
Frasier
All right, Roz, since you misunderstood tonight's theme, tell you what, why don't you answer this question as your true hero, whomever that may be.
Roz
Actually, I didn't misunderstand anything. You made so much fun of my costume, I got so embarassed, so I lied. Wonder Woman really is my hero. I mean, she's smart and beautiful, moral, and totally independent.
Niles
[increasingly inebriated] And talk about hooters!
Martin
[slightly irritated] Hey, I keep that to myself.
Frasier
Roz, I never should have criticized you. I am terribly sorry. [to Daphne, who is handing him a wine glass] Thank you.
Niles
Oh, Daphne, you didn't bring me a brewster.
Martin
I think you've had enough.
Niles
Oh, you can never have enough beer, Jodi.
Martin
That's Joe D.
Frasier
Niles, I believe that you're next.
Niles
Huh?
Frasier
Tell us about your hero's greatest disappointment.
Niles
Oh, um, that I never got to take my kids to see Joe DiMaggio play.
Martin
Oh, that's not your fault, Marty, I retired when they were infants.
Niles
Guess it's not that important. My kids wouldn't know a baseball if it hit them in the face. In fact, that pretty much describes their one day in Little League. [imitating Martin's characteristic chuckle] No offense, Joe, my kids did not care about baseball. Hell, they didn't care about anything that was important to me.
Martin
Hey, now that's not fair.
Niles
No, no, no, no, no, I'm just saying that you and me, we're regular guys. You know, we know how to hang out with regular guys and shoot the breeze and, and, and knock a few back. But, uh, not my kids. No, they're too good for that stuff. [Frasier and Daphne have concerned looks on their faces.] They got all their fancy degrees, but they never learned how to be regular guys. [Martin looks very hurt and angry.] So I guess if I had to pick my two biggest disappointments...
Martin
[angrily] You stop right there! [rises, confronting Niles] You will not put these words in my mouth. I was always proud of you boys, and I will not be portrayed as some drunken, judgmental jackass!
Frasier
[grasping] That's why I didn't dress as you, Dad!
Martin
[sincerely, while exiting] You're a good son, Frasier.
Roz
I'll go round up Alice. [sarcastically] Another great party! [She exits.]
Niles
I am so sorry. I, uh, I don't know what got into me!
Daphne
[indicating the empty beer cans] I'd say about six of these. [She cleans them up and goes into the kitchen.]
Niles
Everything was so perfect, and I just...blew it. I, I... feel terrible.
Frasier
Niles, why don't you just go talk to him?
Niles
[sadly] I'm sure I am the last person he wants to see right now.
Frasier
Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. He's not your hero for nothing.
Niles
[agreeing] Right. Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier
But maybe you should talk to him as Niles.
Niles
Ah, good idea.
Niles
Hey, uh, help me get this wig off. [He moves toward Frasier.]
Frasier
Right. [He begins to pull off Niles's wig.]
Niles
Ow!
Frasier
I'm sorry.
Niles
Ow! [slaps Frasier]
Frasier
Ow!
Niles
[louder] OW! [He fidgets and slaps Frasier again.]
Frasier
Ow! Stop it!
Niles
Ow! Ow!
Frasier
All right! You put too much spirit gum on it. You know, I'm going to need something to pry it off.
Daphne
I'll get it. [handing Frasier a ladel] Here, try this.
Frasier
Oh, thanks, Daphne. All right now, come on, now, now hold still.
Niles
Easy, Easy.
Frasier
All right.
Kids
Trick or Treat!!
Daphne
Oh, how lovely! One moment.
Niles
Wait, you're hurting me!
Frasier
That's because you keep fighting me!
Frasier
[still holding the wig] No, children, come back! I've got candy!!