Bla-Z-Boy
Aired 6th November 2001 · Written by Jon Sherman · Directed by Robert H. Egan
Daphne
I love it when he plays the piano. No matter how gloomy it is outside, it makes everything seem a little brighter.
Martin
I feel the same way about bacon. [serves himself]
Daphne
He's so lucky to be musical. [to Niles, who has stopped] I'd give my right hand to be able to play the piano the way you do.
Niles
Hmm, sounds a bit like O. Henry meets Steven King... [kisses her] but still, if you're serious, I'd be willing to give you lessons.
Daphne
I'd love that! I've wanted to play ever since I was little, and my family would sing rugby songs after my brothers' matches. I can still see them, all muddied and bloodied, belting out songs like "The Old She-Crab" and "I Like A Moose." Once, one of Michael's teeth fell out right in the middle of "Four Old Whores"!
Martin
Hey, Fras. How was your date last night?
Frasier
I'm having breakfast with you. You do the math.
Niles
Coffee?
Frasier
Oh, please. Thank you, Niles.
Martin
Well, here's something that will cheer you up: eight years ago today, I moved in with you.
Frasier
Eight years? Are you sure?
Niles
Tbis is quite an anniversary. You weren't even with Lilith for eight years.
Frasier
Please, Niles, I hardly think it's the same thing.
Daphne
It's not that different. If you were a woman, you'd be his common-law wife by now.
Frasier
Oh, well now, I don't think that's-
Daphne
And think about this: if that date of yours had been the perfect woman, you'd still have to be with her nine years before you overtook him!
Niles
Yes, and actually if you add the eighteen years he spent at home prior to college; well, they've been together twenty- six years.
Martin
So we just missed our silver anniversary?
Frasier
All right...
Niles
Yes, but good news: your 30th is Pearl! [chuckles]
Daphne
Well, I think it's a remarkable accomplishment. Happy anniversary, Dr. and Mr. Crane!
Niles
Yes, hear hear...
Frasier
[as they clink their cups together and grin at him; sarcastic] Ha, ha!
Roz
I'm so sorry it didn't work out with Lucy last night, but don't worry. I have tons of other friends better than her.
Frasier
Well, thanks for starting at the bottom and working your way up.
Daphne
Hey Roz, Dr. Crane.
Roz
What, are you taking piano lessons?
Daphne
Yeah, Niles is gonna teach me.
Roz
I'm so jealous! I've always wanted to learn to play.
Daphne
Well, why don't you sit in with us?
Roz
Really? Well, do you think Niles would mind?
Daphne
Of course not - and even if he does, he's so polite you'll never know.
Waiter
Hi, I'd like to tell you about our new frozen coffee drink, the "Caffalanche." It comes in three flavors: "FrostyCoffee," "So Cocoa Cold"... [checks his pad] and "Chilla In Vanilla"!
Daphne
I'll try the "So Cocoa Cold."
Martin
Uh, black coffee, thanks. [the waiter leaves] I hate what's happened to coffee.
Frasier
Dad...
Martin
Well, I'm just saying I'm a regular joe and-
Frasier/Martin
...I like my joe regular.
Frasier
I know, I know.
Martin
Well, what's wrong with liking plain old coffee, the way God made it?
Frasier
Nothing! What is wrong is subjecting me to the same shop- worn bellyaching every time you come in here.
Martin
Well, excuse me for having an opinion you don't agree with, I thought this was America. [looks around] Oh look, it is. [gets up] I'm going to get my coffee to go.
Daphne
That was a bit harsh, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
It has been eight years of the same complaints about the same things in the same places. Honestly, sometimes I think he does it just to antagonize me.
Roz
[to Daphne, laughing] They're just like an old married couple! It's cute, isn't it?
Daphne
Yeah...
Martin
[as he leaves] Well, I got my black coffee - of course, it was more expensive than a whole meal used to be. Time was, you could get two eggs, potatoes, choice of breakfast meats-
Frasier
And still get change back from the nickel! Will you just take your coffee?
Martin
[to the girls] See how he talks to me? And on our anniversary, too.
Frasier
Oh!
Niles
Now, I want you to position your hands over the keyboard, fingers relaxed... [they wiggle their fingers] elbows loose... [they wiggle their elbows] Good. O.K., shoulders low... [they droop their shoulders] Good, good, how are we doing?
Daphne
Fine.
Niles
Excellent.
Roz
O.K., I guess.
Niles
Good, good.
Roz
So when do we get to press down on the keys? [accidentally presses one]
Niles
Whoa, whoa! We have a lot to learn first. It could be weeks before we press down on the keys.
Daphne
I want to play a song!
Roz
Yeah, isn't that why we're here?
Niles
Well, all in due time. Here, wait, just watch my hands while I play a scale. Watch this...
Frasier
Pardon me, Niles, but there was a television program I planned on watching.
Niles
Oh, of course. Uh, we'll continue the lesson in Daphne's room.
Daphne
Well, how can we learn without a piano?
Niles
With these workbooks, and a box of adhesive stars!
Martin
[shudders] That guy sure looks cold. What are we watching?
Frasier
I'm watching "Lost on the Mountain."
Martin
Ah.
Martin
Is that the mountain?
Frasier
[coldly] Yes.
Martin
Well, they sure don't look lost.
Frasier
That's the search party.
Martin
Oh. [beat] So who's lost?
Frasier
Apparently you are. If you don't stop interrupting, I will be too.
Martin
[mouth full] Pretzel?
Frasier
Do you mind?
Martin
Sorry!
Frasier
Oh, honestly, Dad! Is there nothing you can do that doesn't create some sort of cacophony?!
Martin
Well, I didn't do it on purpose, I was trying to be considerate!
Frasier
If you were considerate, you would have oiled that chair when it began squeaking five years ago!
Martin
Boy, I don't know what's gotten into you, but you've been a real jerk lately. Maybe you should watch TV somewhere else.
Frasier
I should go elsewhere? I? Just what do you suggest, that I find a documentary barn and watch it on their big screen? [gets up] You know what, I am- I'm just going to go take a walk, all right, and leave you with the television. [grabs a coat from the rack] You enjoy yourself. Good day!
Frasier
I wish you would stop hanging your coat on my peg!
Niles
Dad?
Martin
[from behind the Chair] Down here.
Niles
[sees the Chair, alarmed] Oh my God, Dad! [runs over and sees him] Oh, I thought you'd capsized.
Martin
No, I was oiling my chair. The squeaking was bugging Frasier.
Niles
Oh. [gasps] The carpet is a whole shade lighter under there. Ooh, except for those little black dots you just made.
Martin
Oh, shoot! I better get a towel. [gets up]
Niles
No, I'll get it.
Martin
No, it's all right, I'll get it-
Martin
Oh my God!
Niles
I'll get something to pick up the grease and clean it up!
Frasier
What the hell's happened?
Martin
Now, don't get upset. I was oiling my chair, trying to get rid of the squeak, and I had a little spill.
Frasier
A little spill? I just this carpet cleaned!
Martin
Well, I'm sorry, it was an accident.
Frasier
Sure, Dad! "It was an accident."
Niles
[applying paper towels] It was an accident, I saw him step on it.
Frasier
Niles, you know as well as I do there are no accidents! Just admit it, Dad: your latent hostility toward me has been building through the years, little by little, until you've finally struck the Achilles Heel of my decor, the Berber carpet!
Martin
I did not do this on purpose!
Frasier
No? I suggest you dig deep into the twisted caves of your subconscious, where malicious acts abide, clothed in the robes of plausible excuses!
Martin
For the last time, this was not malicious, it was an accident!
Frasier
I don't think you know the difference!
Martin
Yes, I do! That was an accident! [squirts oil all over Frasier's shirt and face] THIS is malicious!
Niles
What color is the new carpet?
Frasier
I'm going up a shade... to "Harvest Wheat."
Niles
I thought the next shade up was "Buff."
Frasier
It used to be, but they've discovered a whole new color in between.
Niles
So now it's "Tofu, Putty, Oatmeal"...
Both
"Almond, Harvest Wheat"...
Frasier
"and Buff."
Niles
That's going to be hard to get used to. [Frasier nods] Where's Daphne? [checks his watch]
Frasier
Oh, she's out taking a walk with Dad. An extra-long walk. Things have been a little tense around here since the quote- unquote "accident."
Niles
It was an accident. [goes to refill their sherries]
Frasier
Well, maybe. But don't you think the man should work on some of his unresolved anger toward me?
Niles
If you're asking me to choose sides, I'm not going to do it.
Frasier
The man just brings such... hostility into the room! [sighs; Niles brings his sherry] Thank you. You know, I've been thinking, of, uh... sending him someplace.
Niles
Like to a resort?
Frasier
Like to live with you.
Niles
Oh yes, the last resort. Making Dad move in with me does not solve your problem, it simply avoids it.
Frasier
Oh, don't you start preaching to me about avoidance. You've been avoiding living with him for eight years.
Niles
I refuse to discuss this.
Frasier
And I refuse your refusal!
Niles
I- [stops and sniffs the air] Is something burning?
Frasier
[sniffs] Smells like it.
Niles
Are you cooking?
Frasier
And what is that supposed to mean?
Frasier
Oh dear God! The chair!!
Both
Oh my God!
Frasier
Here, Niles, Niles, hand me this drop cloth here, I'm going to smother it with it!
Niles
Right! [does] Be careful, be careful, be careful! Quickly, quickly, quickly, just-just-just...
Frasier
All right...
Frasier
OH MY GOD!!!
Niles
[yelling down] OH, LOOK OUT!!!
Daphne
...Dr. Crane's moods never last very long. I'm sure we've seen the worst of it.
Frasier
What do we do?! What do we say?!
Niles
All right, all right, calm down. The important thing is it didn't hit anyone.
Frasier
Yes, at least we have that! But how do we explain this?!
Niles
We-we just tell them what happened as clearly and rationally as possible.
Frasier
Right! Right! Rational!
Frasier
Oh my God, did you feel that earthquake?!
Martin
What the hell happened?!
Niles
Where's Daphne?
Martin
She's down cleaning up the mess!
Frasier
Dad, I can explain!
Martin
You threw my chair off the balcony?!
Frasier
I'm so sorry! Just hear me out...
Martin
Are you crazy?
Frasier
Well, I didn't mean to!
Martin
Forget what it means to me, you could have killed someone!
Frasier
It was an accident!
Martin
You said there are no accidents!
Frasier
But clearly I was wrong! I mean, why on earth would I do such a thing?
Martin
[seething] Because you've always been gunning for that chair! I accidentally stain your carpet, and you set fire to the one thing in this apartment I care about and HEAVE it out into the street!
Frasier
Dad, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to! Please, forgive me! I'll buy you another chair-
Martin
Ah, don't do me any favors! [stalks to his room]
Frasier
No, please, Dad, look, I know you're angry right now, and that's normal. I'll tell you what, the healthiest thing you can do right now-
Martin
Want to know the healthiest thing you can do?
Frasier
Shut my yap.
Martin
BINGO!
Niles
[as she slowly plays each note] Yes... yes... yes... [she hits two keys together] No.
Daphne
[gets up in frustration] I don't like this exercise, it's too hard!
Niles
[takes her place] No, no, no, no, you're doing fine, you just have to loosen up. Look, I'll show you. See? [plays a fluid ripple of notes with one hand] It's just a little finger exercise.
Daphne
[fondles his ears] I know another little finger exercise.
Niles
[chuckles, then] Daphne, you're not paying attention.
Daphne
Yes, I am. [sits next to him] Why don't we just cancel the lesson and spend the day together?
Niles
No, no. What kind of teacher would I be if I did that?
Daphne
Oh, that's right. You're the teacher... [strikes a prim and penitent pose] And I'm the naughty student who wouldn't do her homework.
Niles
[stops] Oh. That'll be Roz. [realizing his hard-on] Could you get that?
Daphne
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Daphne.
Niles
Hey, Roz!
Roz
Niles!
Niles
How'd it go this week?
Roz
OK, I guess. [hangs her coat up] But those exercises aren't easy.
Daphne
See?
Niles
All right, all right, look, if I'm going too fast, we'll make some adjustments. Just-just do the best you can.
Niles
[ecstatic, slaps her shoulder with the book] That's great! Do it again.
Niles
You see, Daphne, that's a song.
Daphne
You said we weren't going to be playing songs.
Niles
[to Roz] Wait, wait, go down one.
Niles
Yes, good!
Roz
Oh my God, this is so cool!
Daphne
I want to play a song.
Niles
Well... and you will, Daphne, as soon as you master your exercises. You know, why don't you try playing along on your practice pad?
Daphne
[makes another mistake] Oh, shoot.
Martin
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Dad. Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
Martin
Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony. [goes to the counter]
Frasier
You see what I'm putting up with?
Niles
Are you going to let this go on forever?
Frasier
Me? He's the one who keeps insisting I was lashing out deliberately - which I was not, although God knows it would have been justified.
Niles
What, because of the oil?
Frasier
This is a lot deeper and a lot darker than oil, and you know it. The man will not get off my back.
Niles
It seems to me you've been giving as good as you've been getting.
Frasier
Oh, please. Ever since our so-called anniversary, he keeps insisting on-
Niles
Wait, whoa, whoa. What does your anniversary have to do with this?
Frasier
Well, I guess it just set me off. It was as though everyone was saying that the only significant relationship I'll ever have again is with my father.
Niles
So you're not mad at Dad. You're just mad that he isn't a woman.
Martin
Well, I got my coffee, nothing fancy. But if you don't like it, you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony. Bye, Niles.
Niles
No, wait, Dad. Frasier just said something very interesting to me...
Frasier
Niles-
Niles
-that I think you should hear.
Frasier
Niles-
Niles
No, please, let me help you through this. [sits Martin next to Frasier] Don't forget, I've done my share of couples' counseling.
Frasier
We are not a couple!
Niles
I'm sorry, I only meant that I'm an experienced mediator. Now, Frasier, tell Dad what you were just telling me.
Frasier
[long pause] All right. I think... that anniversary talk stirred up some issues for me. That our relationship is the only one I'll ever have. That for all intents and purposes... you are my significant other.
Martin
And that's my fault?
Frasier
I didn't say it was your fault, Dad!
Martin
You know, you think it's a picnic living with you? It's not exactly my dream either, you know...
Niles
OK, no, wait, wait, honesty, this is good.
Frasier
I'm just saying, that I-I've had a bit of a breakthrough.
Martin
Oh, dandy! You've had a breakthrough and I've lost my chair! Maybe I can sit on your breakthrough!
Frasier
I'll tell you what you can sit on...!
Niles
[as they lean towards each other, glaring] OK, OK, OK, wait, wait, wait. Let's just keep this constructive. Now, if you're going to make any progress, you're both going to have to compromise. Now which one of you is willing to take the first step?
Frasier
Allow me.
Martin
Do this for a living, do you? [leaves]
Niles
[chokes out the words] I do it because I enjoy working with people!
Daphne
Niles, I've been thinking: maybe you and Roz should continue without me.
Niles
Why would we do that?
Daphne
Because she's good!
Niles
Just a second-
Daphne
No, no, no, don't worry about me. I'll find something easier to play - like a stick.
Niles
Daphne, I'm not going to let you quit. You're just a slow starter. It may require a little more time, but you'll improve.
Daphne
You really think so?
Niles
You have to trust me. [kisses her] I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to make a pianist out of you.
Daphne
Thank you. [hunches over the keyboard again] You know, you're much nicer than my old piano teacher. [starts playing slow, halting notes]
Niles
[taken aback] You took lessons in this before?
Daphne
Oh, yeah. Eight years of them. Mr. Cruikshank. You know, he once played at the Royal Albert Hall.
Niles
Oh. Why did you stop taking the lessons, honey?
Daphne
Well, it turns out Mr. Cruikshank was an unstable man. Took his own life. Do you know, I was the last person to see him alive.
Niles
Dad! Frasier's here!
Frasier
What's this?
Martin
It's something I got to tell you how sorry I am for being such a sorehead.
Frasier
Oh, Dad... I'm overwhelmed.
Martin
Tied the bow myself. Just pull on it, it'll come right off.
Frasier
Oh... oh, how unexpected.
Martin
You don't like it.
Frasier
No, no, I-I do. It's just that-
Martin
I got some guy named Eduardo to help me, I figured I couldn't miss.
Frasier
It's divine.
Martin
That's what Eduardo said.
Frasier
There's just... one problem.
Martin
Well, now, if you don't like it...
Frasier
I know - I can set it on fire and throw it over the balcony.
Martin
No, I just meant you could take it back. I want you to be happy.
Niles
[pointedly] Frasier, I think this is a wonderful gesture on Dad's part.
Frasier
I do, too, Niles, I do. I'm-I'm very touched, Dad. Thank you, thank you so much. [hugs Martin] Uh, it's just that... I had something else in mind. Uh-
Martin
Well, I give up. Try to do a nice thing...
Niles
Frasier, what is the matter with you?!
Frasier
Ah, good, gentlemen, come right in, please. Uh, just set it right over here. [moves the new chair out of the way, they set it down]
Martin
You bought a chair? Thanks for telling me!
Frasier
No, just give me a chance here, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Man
I need somebody to sign for this.
Frasier
Yes, of course. Uh, in just a moment, please. Could you wait for me at the door? [they do] Thank you.
Frasier
Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family!
Martin
Oh!... Where did you find this?
Frasier
You can't find that, Dad - it doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it!
Daphne
It must have cost a fortune!
Frasier
Yes - ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment!
Niles
It's beautiful!
Martin
[as he sits down] Thank you, son!
Niles
Well done, Frasier.
Martin
Oh, it feels just the same - I don't want to get up!
Frasier
Well, that's a shame, because I was planning on taking us both out to dinner this evening, Dad - anywhere you'd like!
Martin
[gets up] Even the steakhouse?
Frasier
Even the steakhouse! [gets their coats] Niles, Daphne, you're welcome to join us.
Daphne
Oh, sorry, but we're in the middle of my piano...
Niles
Oh, we'd love to.
Frasier
You know, I'll bet we can get free pie if we just tell them it's our anniversary!