The Two Hundredth
Aired 13th November 2001 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Welcome back, Seattle. Thank you for joining us for this, our two thousandth show. Hard to believe, isn't it Roz?
Roz
No, that feels just about right.
Frasier
Ah, yes, well what a festive day this is. No stop has been un-pulled. I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the anniversary luncheon spread supplied by our friends at Senor José Fong, home of the sweet and sour taco.
Frasier
And don't forget, a little later, we'll have Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, live in studio to congratulate me on my two thousandth show. Apparently, I hear through the grapevine, he is a big fan. Roz, what do we have next?
Roz
It's time for another blooper.
Frasier
Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer... [Roz grins sheepishly] didn't realize her microphone was on, during the show...
Roz
[on tape] Now what the [beep] is this!? You call this a [beep] paycheck?! How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]!? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]- damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place!
Kenny
Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
Frasier
Ladies and gentlemen, it's our station manager, KACL's own Kenny Daly.
Kenny
Listen, Doc, I got a special someone out there who'd like to say "Hello".
Frasier
By all means, let's bring him in, Kenny. Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest has finally arrived. Please welcome...
Frasier
...Bulldog!
Bulldog
Great to see you, Doc. Hey, Roz.
Frasier
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's our old friend and former colleague, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. Thanks for coming down and helping me celebrate my two thousandth show.
Bulldog
Yeah, yeah congrats. I didn't' think you'd last two weeks. Listen up, sports fans, Bulldog here! I know what you're all thinking: Bulldog's been gone too long. How can you get me back on the air? Okay, listen up. You send your cards and letters of support to Kenny Daly, KACL, PO Box.…
Frasier
Bulldog, our special guest has arrived.
Bulldog
PO Box 451, Seattle...
Frasier
Bulldog! Would you and your noisemaker wait in Roz's booth?
Bulldog
This is an air horn, Doc.
Frasier
Yes, I was referring to that flapping hole above your chin, now get out!
Frasier
Ladies and gentlemen, let's please welcome Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. Good to see you, sir.
Bill
Sorry I was late.
Frasier
That's quite all right.
Bill
I was just talking to an old friend.
Frasier
Yes.
Frasier
Well, I've got so many questions to ask you, why don't we just dive right in? I've been wondering, when did you first become a fan of my show?
Roz
Excuse me, Warren from Kirkland is on line two.
Frasier
Yes, Roz, I won't be taking any calls until after Mr. Gates has left.
Roz
Actually, it's for Mr. Gates.
Frasier
Well, go ahead, caller, you're on with Mr. Bill Gates.
Warren
[v.o.] Yeah, hi, Mr. Gates. I bought your new Windows XP program and I'm about to install it as an upgrade. Do I have to make a boot disk?
Bill
That's a very good question, you don't need to make a boot disk. You just put the CD in and it'll upgrade.
Frasier
I hope that answers your question, Warren...
Bill
It's a feature of XP, very quick, very smooth. Hey, this is fun.
Frasier
Thank you for calling, Warren. Now, where were we?
Roz
Can Mr. Gates take a few more calls? The board is lighting up! Wow, who knew we had a line seven?
Frasier
Roz, I believe Mr. Gates is probably anxious to get on with the interview?
Bill
No, no, I'm happy to.
Frasier
Very well. Go ahead, caller.
Estelle
[v.o.] Wow, Bill Gates, this is so cool!
Bill
Thank you.
Estelle
Hey, I have a question about multi-lingual user interface add-ons. What are those?
Bill
Well, the multi-lingual add-ons let you run Windows in different languages. You can use it in German or...
Frasier
Can you believe that egomaniacal gasbag? He's taking over my show!
Roz
Don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit?
Bill
Who do we have next, Roz?
Roz
We have Bob, from Freemont. He has a question about his laptop.
Bill
Go ahead, Bob, I'm listening.
Frasier
Two thousand shows.
Niles
Hurry up, Frasier, we're gonna miss the reservations!
Frasier
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Daphne
Two thousand shows. That's quite a milestone.
Niles
It certainly is. Can anyone tell me what happened today? I forgot to listen.
Martin
I just listened for five minutes in case he asks me what my favorite part was.
Daphne
I just say the call from Tacoma. There's bound to be a call from Tacoma.
Frasier
Excuse me, could I see all of you in my room for just a jiff?
Martin
But I'm hungry!
Frasier
Okay, are we all here? Good.
Martin
What's wrong?
Frasier
Something is amiss.
Niles
I'll say. I always thought that was a sweater cubby.
Frasier
Well it's not. It's a collection of all my shows. I was just examining my collection when I realized that someone had placed one of my tapes upside down.
Martin
What kind of sick, twisted... well, turn it right side up and let's go eat! You probably did it yourself!
Frasier
All right, conceivably, but... I guarantee you I would never remove my tape from the case and replace it with "The Best of Hall and Oates." All right, I won't be mad, just tell me: who did this?
Frasier
Nobody did this?
Martin
Tell you what, I did it. Now can we go eat?
Frasier
Not so fast, Dad. Okay, let's examine the evidence.
Frasier
A Hall and Oates tape. That rules you out, Dad. And it definitely rules out Niles.
Daphne
[in tears] Dr. Crane...
Frasier
Or does it? Perhaps the tape is just a red herring, meant to throw me off the scent. A psychological game. There's only one of you that would combat me on that level.
Daphne
I did it.
Frasier
Ah-ha!
Niles
You can't say "Ah ha", you thought it was me.
Frasier
Why'd you do it, Daphne?
Daphne
I didn't mean to. I was trying to listen to a tape in that boom box you gave me for Christmas. Only I wasn't getting any sound and I didn't know if it were the tape or the boom box and I didn't have any other tapes so I grabbed one of your tapes just to test the boom box out and it turns out it was the boom box after all. Only then I couldn't get it out of the boom box so I used a screwdriver to pry it out and I broke the tape, I'm so sorry.
Niles
There, there, Daphne...
Frasier
Stand down, Niles.
Frasier
Daphne, do you realize what you've done? This isn't like any other tape you can go down to your local music shop and purchase, it's unique. And irreplaceable.
Niles
Can't you just get the station to make you a copy?
Frasier
Unless I get the station to make me another copy. Which of course I can. The only transgression here is that Daphne didn't come to me with the truth.
Daphne
I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane, I will never to you lie again.
Frasier
Well, if that's what you've learned, it was all worth it. So, what are we all sitting here for. I believe we all have a two thousandth show to celebrate.
Niles
Hear, hear.
Frasier
So, did you all listen?
Niles
Oh, did we.
Martin
Great.
Daphne
I especially liked that call from Tacoma.
Frasier
Oh, which one?
Frasier
You know, in nine years this is the first time I've been down to the archives.
Roz
Oh, my God, I remember this place.
Frasier
Really?
Roz
I came down here once after a Christmas party.
Frasier
Whatever for?
Roz
Well, I had a little too much champagne, and you know how you get a little lonely around the holidays?
Bulldog
Brings back memories, huh, Roz?
Frasier
Bulldog!
Bulldog
That was some Christmas, huh? When Santa left a bit of Bulldog in your stockings?
Roz
You're disgusting!
Bulldog
What, I went too far? Why don't you come back here, I'll slip you an apology.
Bulldog
Bulldog's still got it!
Frasier
Bulldog, what the hell are you doing here?
Bulldog
Oh, this is my new job. I, uh, catalogue the archive. You know, I clean up a bit. But I figure I'll be back on the air in no time, as long as I attack this job with my trademark "Can Do" attitude.
Frasier
Great, then. We're looking for a copy of my show, episode 893.
Bulldog
No can do.
Frasier
What?
Bulldog
What? I've only been here an hour, I don't even know where the john is. Where's my Powerbar? I had a Powerbar here. SOMEONE STOLE MY POWERBAR! THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! THIS IS... oh, here it is.
Roz
Frasier, here's a box marked "Best of Crane".
Frasier
Oh, thanks Roz, let's have a look. Ah, good.
Frasier
There's just a few tapes in here. All right, keep looking.
Kenny
Oh, hey, Doc.
Frasier
Kenny, just the man I was looking for. Listen, where are all the tapes of my shows kept?
Kenny
You got 'em. Right there.
Roz
Well, where are the rest of them?
Frasier
Yes!
Kenny
There are no rest. We record over them. I mean, look around, Doc, we've got a space problem down here.
Bulldog
Hey, Kenny, where do you want me to put these snow tires?
Kenny
Oh, put 'em right to my kids' bikes.
Frasier
Good afternoon, Seattle. Before we go to the phones, I have a boon to ask of you. If any of you happens to have in your possession a tape of my broadcast from June 14, 1996, I am in need of a copy. You see, I understand that from time to time, people who call into my show record it, perhaps in order to review my advice or even to play it for some friends. Now, I realize this is a bit of a long shot, but it is the only missing tape of my collection and therefore of course has great sentimental value. Thanks for your consideration. Now, Roz, who's our first caller?
Roz
We have Joe from Bachon Island on line one.
Frasier
Go ahead Joe, I'm listening.
Joe
[v.o.] About that missing tape...
Frasier
Yes, yes?
Joe
I know what you're going through. A couple years ago, I was in a taxi cab and lost a gold cuff link.
Frasier
Yes, and this relates to my missing tape how?
Joe
Well, it's missing and I'm bummed. It had the initials "J.S." on it. If anyone finds it, I'd love to have it back.
Frasier
Yes, I'm sure you would, but unless it's about my missing tape, well then I would prefer to stick to calls about mental and emotional issues as usual. Thank you for your call. Who's our next caller, Roz?
Roz
We have Phyllis from Green Lake.
Frasier
Phyllis, go ahead, I'm listening.
Phyllis
[v.o.] My cat ran away last Wednesday. She's orange with a white chest and one white paw...
Frasier
Phyllis, all right. Hold on, hold on a minute! All right now, listen to me people. I don't want to turn this show into the lost and found bin of the airwaves. Phyllis, I'm going to let you finish your description of your cat and then we're going back to our regular show, all right?
Phyllis
Okay. She has green eyes, a rhinestone collar, and when she's happy...
Frasier
Let's recap: in the last three hours, we have located a missing engagement ring, one lost cuff link, two missing cats, and we've actually reunited Eric from Belltown with his biological parents. Still, sadly, no sign of my missing tape. To that end, listeners, please scour you attics, basements, hope chests, whatever. Meantime, this is Doctor Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health. And don't forget to look behind things.
Roz
I'm sorry, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, that's all right, Roz. It'll turn up, I mean it's only the first day. Word'll get around, I'm sure somebody has that tape.
Roz
I just don't want you to get your hopes up too high. Chances are, that tape is gone for good.
Frasier
Well, if that's the case, then so be it. Life will go on.
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane. How was your nap?
Frasier
Lovely. Daphne, could you make me a cup of tea, please, and whatever meal would be appropriate for this time of day?
Daphne
Dr. Crane, you've been in bed all weekend. How about going for a nice walk?
Frasier
No, thanks.
Daphne
Well, how about going to a movie then? Take your mind off your troubles.
Frasier
My car's in the shop.
Daphne
You could take public transportation.
Daphne
Oh, I wonder who this could be? [She opens the door.] Oh, look, it's your brother Niles, here for a visit.
Niles
[entering, he speaks very slowly and clearly] Hello, Frasier, how are we today?
Frasier
What the hell is wrong with the two of you? You'd think I'd been found walking in the park in my underwear, talking to pigeons.
Daphne
Would we like a walk in the park?
Niles
All right, Frasier, Frasier wait...
Martin
Hey, lookin' good, buddy.
Martin
Not any better, huh?
Daphne
No, and I feel just awful. This is all my fault.
Martin
Oh, come on.
Daphne
I'm the one who ruined his treasured collection.
Martin
Oh, all his crap is treasured. But look, don't feel bad. I've broken lots of his stuff.
Daphne
I've never heard of you breaking anything.
Martin
That's because I know how to cover my tracks. Take a look at that fertility god statue over there. It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.
Daphne
Oh my God! This is a Tootsie Roll! That's brilliant!
Martin
Aw, that's nothin'. Here, check out this vase. [he pulls down a piece of pottery] Two years ago Eddie and me were horsin' around and I knocked it over, it took me hours to glue it back together again.
Daphne
Why, you can't even tell. I had no idea you were so devious.
Martin
Come on, I'll show you how to make ginger ale look like fifty year-old brandy.
Frasier
Listen, Niles, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but frankly I am in no mood to endure therapy with my younger brother, no matter how well-intentioned.
Niles
I am not trying to butt in, I'm just curious as to why this tape matters so much to you. Do you ever listen to these?
Frasier
Once. When I had a date over. Proved a useful mood setter.
Niles
Okay... Well, tell me this, then: do you ever intend to listen to any of the others?
Frasier
Don't know.
Niles
So, why is it so important to you to have each and every one of them?
Frasier
Because it's a collection, Niles. That's what a collection is.
Niles
Is it possible that a harmless collection has become an unhealthy obsession?
Frasier
It's, it's just a hobby. All right?
Niles
Or an obsession.
Frasier
An eccentricity.
Niles
Or an obsession.
Frasier
You know, it's a quirk. That's it, I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
Niles
Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
Frasier
Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
Niles
Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards?
Frasier
Another delightful quirk of mine.
Niles
Not from where I'm sitting.
Martin
Hey, Fras! The station called, some guy has your tape.
Frasier
Oh, uh, well, thanks, Dad. Yes, well, I'll tend to this by and by...
Niles
All right, I'll get the car.
Frasier
I'll put on some pants.
Niles
Zipper goes in front.
Frasier
Hello.
Tom
Hello, yes, Dr. Crane. Please come in. Please make yourself at home.
Frasier
You must be Tom.
Tom
And you must be the greatest radio talk show host ever!
Frasier
You can call me Frasier.
Niles
I think I'll wait outside.
Tom
I didn't know you were bringing someone.
Frasier
Oh, Tom, this is my brother Niles.
Tom
Oh.
Niles
Hello, Tom.
Tom
Hi, yes. Uh, didn't you fill in on Frasier's show a couple of times?
Niles
Well, yes actually I did.
Tom
Yeah, yeah, you were all right.
Niles
You flatter me.
Tom
So, what's it like?
Niles
Excuse me?
Tom
Being Frasier Crane's brother? Being able to talk to him whenever you want, having access to that great brain twenty- four hours a day?
Niles
You know, I think I left my lights on.
Tom
No, no please, don't leave yet. Please, if you don't mind, I was hoping you'd take a picture of Frasier and I.
Frasier
Well, of course he doesn't mind. Actually, I've even brought along an eight by ten photo, personalized, of course.
Tom
Oh, my, that's really, I don't know...
Frasier
Yes, I thought you might like that.
Tom
I'll have to do some rearranging, but don't worry, I'll find some room for it somewhere.
Niles
I, uh, thought that was a window.
Tom
Yeah, well it was. Okay, I'm gonna go get the camera.
Niles
Frasier, this man is deeply disturbed.
Frasier
Why? Because he has a few pictures of me on his wall?
Niles
This man is obviously obsessed with you.
Frasier
What is it with you? I'm obsessed, he's obsessed. I think you're the one who's obsessed with being obsessed.
Niles
All right, I apologize. He's delightfully quirky.
Machine
Go ahead caller, I'm listening.
Caller
This is your mother, call me - and change that stupid message already!
Tom
Aw, mom, get a life, why don't you? Here we go. [he sits on the couch, his arm around Frasier] Now I want to record this historic moment, because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and find out this was all part of a dream. Because I've had this dream before. Many times. Sometimes we're in London, sometimes we're in Paris, sometimes we're riding mules down the Grand Canyon.
Tom
Oh my God! This is gonna be the jewel of my collection. I'm gonna get a special frame for it and I'm gonna look at it while I'm listening to the show and I... Oh, wait a minute. Uh listen, uh Frasier's brother, your thumb was in front of the lens. If you don't mind, just one more. And you know what, bring that chair closer come over here for a second, sit there, this is gonna be great. [He urges Frasier over to the chair.] Sit there, just like that, and this time, why don't you act like you're giving me advice.
Frasier
Right, all right. Tom, I was just wondering, have you ever called into the show?
Tom
Me? Why would I call the show?
Tom
Ooh! Did your head just touch that?
Frasier
Yes, I'm sorry.
Tom
Don't be.
Frasier
Oh, so, Tom. I take it you've been listening to the show for some time.
Tom
Are you kidding? From day one. I got so hooked that eventually I started taping them so that I didn't miss anything. I even was skipping out of work early so I could make sure to be home on time.
Niles
So, Tom, in a way you could say your obsession with your collection was bringing your life to a standstill.
Tom
Yes, yes exactly. Until I realized how ridiculous I was being. I mean, missing work to tape the show?
Frasier
Good for you, Tom. So you could say that it's possible to have a passion for collecting without losing sight of your priorities.
Tom
Yes, exactly. And that's why I quit my job. Oh, this turned out really nice. And you know, eventually, the money ran out so I got a gig as a night doorman. And that way, I could - oh [he takes the camera back from Niles] - I could, uh, you know listen to the show a second time on my Walkman and then I could do my transcriptions at work.
Frasier
You transcribe the show?
Tom
Well, you gotta have a backup.
Frasier
Listen, Tom, you know I must confess I'm a bit concerned. I'm delighted to have you as a fan, I really am. But the whole purpose of my show is to help people live better lives, and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours. I just... there should be more to life than... there should be more.
Tom
Yes, but as you always say: Life is most fulfilling when spent in the pursuit of one's passions.
Frasier
Yes, but as I've also said: Weave the tapestry of your life with many diverse threads.
Tom
Ah, yes, but you added: Make sure to weave the pattern that pleases you most.
Niles
"Weave the tapestry with diverse threads"?
Tom
Yes, Frasier said all of these things, and many others. He is a genius. Would you like some guacamole?
Frasier
Yes, thanks Tom. Look, I don't really want to talk you into anything, it seems I've done enough of that already. [Tom hands him a chip with sauce on it.] Thank you. Tom, what I'm getting at here is that I think there could be more to your life than just my tapes and pictures. Now, if you'd be interested in exploring those issues further, I can recommend someone who'd be glad to talk with you.
Tom
Why? I have you.
Frasier
Thank you. Well, you know, I think it's time we got going.
Tom
Oh no, so soon? Well I suppose someone like you has a lot of things they gotta do. I'm glad you could come at all. Please, stop by any time you want.
Frasier
Thank you, Tom, it was a pleasure.
Tom
Oh, don't forget your tape.
Frasier
You know, Tom, I'd like you to keep that.
Tom
But, this is the reason you came.
Frasier
If I ever need it, I'll know where to find it.
Niles
Um, you know those shows where I sat in for Frasier? You wouldn't happen to have those tapes, would you?
Tom
Sorry, I don't collect just anything.
Martin
Hey, there he is. Did you get your tape back?
Frasier
Actually, no I didn't.
Daphne
What happened?
Frasier
Daphne, tonight I saw an example of how an obsession can take over a man's life. I don't want to be that man. Therefore I chose to leave it and render my collection imperfect. But that's all right, you see, I don't need things to be perfect.
Frasier
Hello? Something's amiss.
Frasier
My double-handled amphora! All right, no one leaves!